My adult daughter moved into the upstairs apartment in my mother’s house. She’s just starting out and can’t afford an apartment on her own. My wife and I thought it would be a “win-win” because my 89 year old mother had been living by herself since my father passed in 2002. We felt that our daughter could look after and be company for her. Here’e the issue. My mother is constantly in my daughter’s apartment moving things to where she wants them, unplugging things (she’s of the mindset that leaving things plugged in will cause a fire even though all the outlets are properly wired), adjusting the thermostat down to where it was when my grandparents were alive, and over feeding her cat. She will not respect my daughter’s space. I have tried to explain repeatedly that it’s her space now, and that time marches on. She refuses to accept it and we do nothing but fight with her. Any suggestions would be appreciated as my wife and I are at the end of our ropes with her.
She should begin looking for another apartment.
Is this a NEW PROBLEM, or has your mother always lacked the ability to respect other's boundaries?
Therein lies the answer to your question.
If mom has always been like this, moving daughter in to an unlocked apartment wasn't a good idea. And leaving your daughter to fight it out with her elderly gma is no solution. Either a lock goes on the door or daughter moves out.
If this lack of boundaries is a new issue, then your mom has had some cognitive changes. Not understanding how electricity works, violating personal space and the like are executive functions. Mom has lost those abilities and may need better/different/more care than she has right now.
Cut everyone's losses now and tell your daughter it was a mistake to move in with gram. Let her get a job and save for her own place where she can do what wants when she wants w/o interference. Or find a room to rent with other gals her age.
Or, butt out of this chaos totally and let THEM work it out!
Save your relationships with BOTH of these women, that's the wise thing to do.
It does sound like she has cognitive decline. I’m very sorry that you and your wife are having to deal with this. How long have you been helping mom out?
As far as any suggestions. I would get mom checked out with a neurologist.
Do you already pay the bills, do the shopping, take her to appointments? Does she still drive? Make sure you have a DPOA.
Regarding the apartment.
Put a lock on the door. Make sure mom doesn’t have a key. (This seems so obvious it makes me wonder if that isn’t easy to do in this older home?)
Cover the thermostat or install a Nest or similar.
If the cat has the run of the house, that’s not good. I hope it’s not calling to Your mom all day.
Have an electrician come check the wiring if it hasn’t been done in a long time.
If possible you could put a gate at the foot of the stairs to discourage mom.
Is daughter the only one who complains or does mom also complain about your daughter? Did you tell daughter to let you know of problems instead of talking to her GM or does she just call to vent and then you try to fix it? In other words did you inadvertently put yourself in the middle?
What is the plan for when mom can’t be left alone?
If daughter can find a better deal, she should move out, cause it will be one thing after another. Really, all of these issues daughter has are pretty common with elders. Mom is just being 89 with cognitive decline.
If no one is moving and you think mom is mentally ok, I would tell them both don’t call me about it. Take it up with each other.
If daughter came here to vent everyone would tell her to go live her life, which would be good for all concerned because having daughter there to keep an eye is just kicking the can down the road a bit and daughter needs to be making her own life happen.
If mom is in good shape physically at 89 she could live another 10+ years. Life expectancy table has it about 5 years but that’s for all conditions. You are already burned out and you haven’t gotten to the personal care years. Go see a certified elder care attorney and examine your options. You don’t want to leave your daughter holding the bag too long. It takes a long time to get over caregiving.
And do come back and let us know how any actions you take work out, we learn from one another.
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The granddaughter is living in the upstairs apartment which is a separate residence from the grandmother's.
More likley what's going on is the grandmother is bored, lonely, and probably has some dementia. She was probably expecting her granddaughter to become her companion/servant, chauffeur, chef, and whipping post that she can be ornery to and probably lash out at. She also likes being in control. That's why she's letting herself in to turn down the heat and rearrange the furniture.
What did you think the situation would be like for your daughter when moving into the home of an elderly person who's lived alone for a long time?
There is no "helping out" a little bit with the elder. No. The reality of a situation like this is the young family member moves in and now the elder owns them. They will not respect privacy. They will expect an account of every moment of that person's time too. This often happens when an elder owns and lives in an income property too. They expect the renter to spend every minute with them.
Years ago I moved into an apartment owned by a little old lady. She lived on the first floor. It seemed like a dream come true. The place was nice and the rent was next to nothing. Before I moved in, I went and met with the lady and her adult son who lived elsewhere. They were both super nice. It seemed too good to be true because it was.
A couple weeks after I moved in the aking for "favors" started. A ride here or running an errand there which would have been fine if it was once in a while, but it wasn't. The old woman wanted all of my time and starting letting herself into my place when I was at work or out because she'd swear she "heard something" or smelled smoke. The truth was she wanted to snoop around and was getting resentful because I wasn't spending time with her.
Her and her son turned very cold towards me and tried raising the rent but they couldn't because I had a lease. The real reason why the rent was so cheap is because the old woman and her son didn't want to hire a caregiver/companion and pay for it. The wanted the tennant to do it for free.
I explained that I worked 50 hours a week spending time with old people. My time off was limited and so precious to me that I wasn't going to use a second of it being a caregiver/companion to my landlady.
The law was on my side. I was able to get the locked changed on the apartment. I left after my lease was up.
If your daughter pays rent she has some renter's rights. That means the landlord (grandma) can't just let herself in to snoop and turn the heat down. You can also change the locks on the apartment.
The best outcome for everyone involved is if your daughter gets a roomate and moves into another apartment.
Change the locks. Put locks on doors that did not have one. We always had a lock on our bedroom door. When my one daughter was living here with her son, my other daughter wanted a lock on her door to keep him out. We out one on.
I would say there is some cognitive decline on Moms part. You may not be able to reason with her. So you do what u need to do to keep her out of the apartment.
It's all there for an epic fail, I'm sorry to say.
IF your YD was paying rent, or you had drawn up some kind of contract they both agreed to--you'd have a voice in this.
Bottom line-it's Grandma's house and yes, she has the 'right' to go into whatever rooms she likes, so I'm sorry to say, that isn't going to change.
You don't need the stress. YD doesn't. This will eventually destroy any relationship she's had with Gma.
Probably better for YD to move out and for Gma to hire in home CG's if she needs help. Leave the relationship thing out of the situation.
My niece just moved into the apartment that my mom had occupied in my brother's (this niece's dad's) home. So, basically, she moved downstairs and has her own kitchen and bathroom & sitting room---BUT, she has her other 3 adult sisters and her folks wandering in and out all the time. Not a lot of privacy.
Mom LOVED that she had family wandering in and out all day. It's a totally different dynamic with a young adult who is trying to be a little more independent.
IF you move somebody else in with Gma. make up a document that states what the parameters are for living there and what is expected in return.
And put a lock on the door.
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