My mother-in-law is the caregiver for her husband who has dementia, and I do all the driving for both. My MIL is too sick/depressed to leave the house, so I go with my FIL to all his many appointments, some of which are quite early in the morning. I've been doing this for a year, and I just found out today that she has no functioning alarm clock. And she doesn't use her phone for an alarm either. Instead, when he has an early appointment, she just wakes up in her bedroom at whatever random time she happens to in the middle of the night, and then sits up awake all night until it's time to wake him up. It sounded so crazy, I had to double check to make sure. I flat out asked her, "So on the days he has an appointment, instead of setting an alarm clock for him, you just get up at 1 or 2am and stay awake staring at the clock in complete darkness and silence until dawn comes and it's time to wake him?" And she said yes. She said she just doesn't own an alarm clock even though they have tons of money. I told her that she shouldn't have to stay awake at night like that, that I would go and buy her an alarm clock ASAP, but she doesn't want me to. Once I started really pressing her, she claimed she would learn how to set an alarm on her phone, but I know when the time comes, she never will. What the heck is going on here? Is this normal elderly behavior? I feel bad for her sitting in the darkness half the night like that, but it's also baffling and frustrating and downright creepy. Can anyone give me some insight into her thought process or how to respond to this? Just to clarify, she does NOT have dementia. I guess the important thing is that her husband makes it to his doctors on time, and she has managed to do that, but my mind is just so blown by this whole surreal issue, it does worry me.
Why does husband have so many doctor appointments? It may be time to reevaluate all of them and reduce them.
A lot of times these doctors have the senior come to see them every 3 months just because it's money in their pockets for the office visits.
If he's not getting tests done every time or is not actively sick it may be time to start looking at and questioning the need for all these appointments. He's got dementia why does he need to see all these doctors? What are they treating him for?
What she means is "I have enough problems, I don't want to talk about getting a new gadget or any other helpful suggestions for that matter, leave me alone."
What we would do, in the ideal world where our service really would be a reablement service - and not a safety-net crisis care provider of last resort with added reablement designed to allow our county authorities to claim they're meeting their statutory responsibilities, excuse the rant - is arrive at the gentleman's home in time to support him with getting up, washed, shaved if he wishes, dressed, medicated and breakfasted before escorting him to his appointment.
Would that be in any way feasible for you?
People have different ways of expressing the complete sentence of no. Yesterday I was with a lady who has been advised by Therapy (OT and physical) to use a standard wheeled Zimmer frame, and not only advised but given the correct one at the correct height for her, because the bariatric model she already had is too wide for her, not necessary for her size and weight, and won't fit through her doorways. She's not having it. Sympathizing with the OT who was trying to explain, I even gave the client a quick demonstration. She's still not having it. The standard frame is stored by her back door. She likes scraping her elbows and wrists, presumably. And having to back up sideways into her downstairs cloakroom.
Her granddaughter told me apologetically that the client threw the catalogue I gave her of frozen ready meals (delivered by security-checked drivers who will also put them in the freezer for you if you need help) in the recycling bin. She is living on soup and omelettes. She told me that what she'd really like is a gammon steak with croquette potatoes. "Let me get that catalogue out of the trash for you!" I said. "They do those! In different sized helpings!" Nope. She likes "proper food."
She left the gas hob on the other night, no harm done but not a habit we want her to develop. I suggested putting red dots on the 0 setting of the controls so that she can see at a glance that they're all off. "No, I'm all right thanks," she said. (She flat out refuses to learn to use her new microwave. She's destroyed two by placing soup cans in them and is convinced that technology is beyond her.) Well, her version of all right is that her granddaughter arrived late to check on her, smelled the gas, aired the house, rescued and scoured the saucepan, then rang the emergency helplines for health services and social services; so that the next morning the client's GP rang and the social worker rang and her granddaughter came round all while I was there for my 30 minute (ho ho ho) service review...
This lady has been with us for two weeks (it seems longer). On day one she couldn't stand up without assistance. She is now managing all of her activities of daily living independently and thriving on the attention of our team, the Therapists, the District Nurses, the social worker, her granddaughter; but she is doing this in her own way and so she will continue. Until she blows her house up, anyway.
The GP and social workers are circling before swooping in to do a formal mental capacity assessment. She will pass it easily. She is not demented, she was starved of company and attention and she is loving all this; and you only get to cite the gas incident as a concern if you have never in your life omitted to turn off an appliance.
Sorry to have hi-jacked, back to MIL. You mention that she's depressed, which would explain her insomnia much more satisfactorily than the lack of an alarm clock. Besides your kind support, does she have anyone else helping her?
Just as an aside, you should be setting up dad's appointment since you are the driver. You can start be calling each office to reschedule on your time. You do not have to accept the first appointment offering. My doing my mom's appointments allowed me to avoid rush hours and my workday
On the morning of the appointment when YOU get up could you call MIL (or your husband could do this) and tell her that you will be there in "X" hours.
Figure out how much time she needs to get him ready and make sure that there is enough time for her to get him ready.
(I would also wonder if MIL has some cognitive impairment herself.)
Would a Holiday gift of an Alexa or other device like that be helpful. There would be nothing to "set".
What time would they get up on a "normal" day?
Can appointments be made for later if that is convenient for you?
Really, for someone who does not understand how to do it, setting a phone alarm may not be easy. I agree, get one that is very simple like the old ones. Maybe you are going to need to be the alarm. Maybe its time for an Assisted living.
Looking back, one of the earliest signs that my mom was declining cognitively was her inability to cope with the simplest of technologies, like simple clocks and phones.
I'd be concerned.
Get her an old fashioned alarm clock - like the ones she would have used as a little girl. Or, show her the alarm clock on her phone and see if she can set it for a few minutes in the future.
Her situation is very, very sad. Please try to get her to socialize with healthy people her own age before it's too late. But it may be. I don't know. But it's worth a try to get her to recoup a little bit of cognitive functioning.