My mother now (83) and with Alzheimer's did not leave nor want to talk about what to do when she passes. What can I do to take care of this? -

My mother now (83) and with Alzheimer's did not leave nor want to talk about what to do when she passes. What can I do to take care of this?

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My mother would not talk about it. I would initiate this conversation maybe once or twice a year for decades ( me until I was around 40 & mom 66-67. Wouldn’t talk about funeral plans or what to do or nothing. All I knew is she didn’t want to be cremated.

My brother and I did have a pre paid contract with a local funeral home and mom’s transfer from NH to the undertaker went very smoothly as did everything else.

If I were you I would ask her a couple of more times (set a limit for yourself as you’ve already asked a zillion times). And if she remains ambivalent after your last attempts then make the decisions for her. My mother passed at 3am in her NH & she was retrieved and brought to the funeral home by 5:30am.

Also gather up any life insurance or mom’s savings and pre pay for the funeral, etc. It cost us (her) $10k for minimal services in northern NJ( just across the Hudson from upper Manhattan). But it was worth it as all went without a hitch- low key but respectful and joyful as well (she was 89).
Yep, if mama leaves no instructions then it’s up to we the children or other close family/friends to set something in motion. You’ll be relieved that  you chose to pre plan the funeral and have time to rightfully grieve the loss of your mother. 
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Reply to Shane1124

My parents never confided in me since we are not close and when dad died, my brother cremated him without asking any family and picked up the ashes in his trunk and gave them to me and said "take him to his plot in .... and bury him" What a jerk and then said it cost him $160 for the cremation, like he wanted some money(he has POA). We did our own burial and he never showed up. Needless to say I haven't seen him since.
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Reply to cougar310

Laprofe, since your Mom didn't leave any instructions, you do what you think Mom would like.

I remember my Dad saying he wanted to buried in Iowa.... I thought, thanks Dad for narrowing that down :P Later I learned he already had a plot for him and my Mom, and I found out what cemetery.

So if your Mom has any files, start digging just in case she did purchase a plot decades ago. Or if your parents were together a long time, and your Dad had already passed, if there is room where he is buried.

So plan whatever is the tradition in your family.
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Reply to freqflyer

Only thing I would add is that you have to also consider the family - older relatives would likely not be able to sit through a long drawn out service. My elderly aunt said, 'well I won't be there anyway, so what does it matter?'
I'm just doing the best I can with the money available, and the fact that so many friends and relatives are getting feeble also.
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Reply to LivingSouth

It's going to be hard discussing this with an ALZ patient. To me, it depends on money. Keep her funeral simple. I chose the same coffin Mom chose for Dad. Keep flowers simple. Have a viewing before the service. If cremated, you can have a memorial service in her Church cutting out the funeral home. I kept Moms luncheon to just family and close friends.
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Reply to JoAnn29

While some elderly people relish talking about passing and the kind of funeral they want, some people avoid it like the Plague. My parents took out a pre-planning contract which really didn’t pay for much, but at least I knew what they wanted and didn’t want. Hubby is one of those who has only said he doesn’t want “a big Catholic Hoo-hah” when he passes, but nothing else. To be fair, I haven’t said much to him or my kids about what I want, either.

You can’t exactly approach your mom and say, “Hey, Mom, what are we supposed to do with you when you die?” How about, in a casual conversation, mention you” went to “a friend’s funeral last week” and...describe the scene. It was “so over the top” or “I can’t believe how beautiful the service was!” Wait for her to comment. Wash a few dishes. Get a cup of coffee. Then say something like “You don’t want a big party like that, do you, Mom?” Does she have a gravesite? Want to be cremated? Has she ever said ANYTHING about her wishes to anyone? Badgering her about it won’t work. No one wants to face their own mortality. If she absolutely and positively won’t deal with it, your only option is to casually shrug and say “Well then, Mom, you’ll just have to trust me to do what I think you would want,” and drop the subject.
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Reply to Ahmijoy