My mom's self-destructive behavior is ruining all of our options...

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So my mom is an alcoholic and gets really mean when she's drunk (but never remembers). Her fantastic home health company, who has stuck out 7 months with her (longest of all other companies), has finally given their 30 day notice because of her evening drinking. Absolutely zero complaints about her when she's sober.


I have a new home health company starting soon for her despite knowing about her issues, but obviously I don't expect them to stay. She has exhausted all the home health companies in town. If this new company quits, she will have to go to a nursing home, and from past experiences in nursing homes I know she will throw a fit every single day to the point they will have to sedate her. I have tried EVERYTHING to keep her in her own home.


My current plan is using CBD oil for her pain because she told me she drinks due to her nerve pain and she doesn't want opioids. She also agreed to go to treatment for real this time and admitted she lied her entire way through rehab 10 years ago. I also want to find her something to do during the day so she doesn't drink. I obviously understand pain + boredom + being stranded at home would worsen any addiction. If this doesn't work, though, NH is my last resort. To compensate that inevitable reality, I have her on the wait-list at my Dad's NH so at least they would be together.


I just don't know anymore... when you run out of options you also run out of people who can/want to help you. Could I just run away? Yes, but I don't want to be on my death bed regretting leaving my poor mom in the dust. Alcoholism is a disease that she formed slowly over time, probably not realizing it. It's not like she decided to do meth one day knowing it was bad and getting hooked. She's just sick is all, and she sounds like she does want to be better so she can live longer. I told her she would not survive the next 5 years, and I think that scared her in a good way.


I know if she goes into a nursing home again, I can definitively say she put herself there. I have worked so, so, so hard to make life stable for my parents, but at the end of the day I still wasn't able to keep it that way.


Is there anyone out there like me who's loved ones have ruined all their options? Let me know. What did you do to cope? Did things work out?

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We just lost my beautiful sister to the disease of alcoholism. They only things she had in the end were whatever booze she could get her hands on and her cigarettes. Her body was so ill from drinking for so long that if she were to go into the hospital one more time, we would have been happy to have her seque into a nursing home. She would have to be sedated at first until the alcohol was out of her for a while, but that would be the only place where she wouldn’t be able to get it. We tried interventions with her twice, but it only led to her not talking to us and threatening to call the police if we dared to reach out to her. It is a terrible disease.

I have learned that we did NOT cause her to drink and we could not make her sober. It has to come from her. My sister’s health finally took a bad turn and she died at home in her recliner. A glass of wine and a full ashtray was next to her. No food in the house, and he dog neglected. It is a heart-breaking place to be. We never stopped worrying about her, but we would have felt better if she was being cared for in a NH. There is only so much we can do for them.

If she winds up in a NH, don’t feel bad about it. Without the ability to drink, your mother can tend to other problems she may be having with her health. Easy for me to say, but for me to say that at the point we are at now, I can say that it would have been the best turn of events rather than what we had to deal with in her death. At least I could still see her in a NH alive. It is sad either way.
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Reply to nymima
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Well, I don't have a loved one who ruined all of their options but as an alcoholic myself, sober for 21 years, I'm familiar with ruining options.

It sounds like you're working very hard to take care of your mom and see that she gets the help she needs. I have to wonder, what's your mom doing to help herself?

Your mom says she drinks because of her nerve pain so trying CBD oil sounds like a logical idea. Except that your mom drinks because she's an alcoholic and not because she's in pain. The CBD is definitely worth trying but don't get your hopes up. If it does help with your mom's pain there's still the alcoholism to deal with. Sneaking in the back door to alleviate your mom's pain so she won't drink anymore won't work. She drinks because she's an alcoholic not because she's in pain. The alcohol abuse most likely makes her pain worse. And drinking because she's in pain is just an excuse to drink. I had a million reasons why I had to drink. And they were good reasons!

I hope your mom makes it to treatment. I hope she takes it seriously. I also hope that you get some help as well. You suffer from alcoholism too--your mom's alcoholism. We don't do our alcoholic loved ones any favors when we take care of them. We just make them worse. And an alcoholic who's being cared for and fed and housed and fussed over will have no reason to get sober. Why should they get sober when they've got it so good?

If your mom goes to treatment there will probably been therapy available to you as well. I encourage you to participate. You're living in the disease of alcoholism as well and you need help to get out. Professional help.

Good luck.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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I have a father who did himself in too. My father has paranoid personality disorder and was neglected and abused in childhood by an alcoholic and drugged addicted father. Because of that he doesn't really trust anyone, even my mother who has been absolutely loyal to him for decades.

Dad developed high blood pressure in his 40s. Dad never wanted to take any kind of medicine (that was what his mother called his father's phenobarbital) so he wouldn't take his high blood pressure medicine as prescribed. He wouldn't drink extra water or avoid high salt foods either. Decided he wanted his blood pressure to be a "little high" because he felt better. Didn't want to take enough medicine to control it because he didn't like the side effects. His blood pressure kept climbing higher until it was frequently in the 220/140 range and he started having TIAs. Still wouldn't take that medication... Developed vascular dementia, anxiety, depression, then had a major heart attack - still would not take medication as the doctors prescribed. So he kept having panic attacks, TIAs, and became high risk for fatal heart attack or stroke. Dementia advanced to the point he was verbally and physically aggressive with my mother.

So I put him in memory care where for this first time in his life he is taking his medicines as prescribed. Even though he doesn't like being there, his overall condition has improved, mentally and physically.

I came to understand years ago that Dad couldn't help some of the things he did because the scars from his childhood limited his choices. Yes, one way of looking at it is he did himself in with self defeating behaviors. Once the dementia took control he had little to no control over those behaviors.

I feel regret and guilt over some of the choices I have made for his care. Because some of your care giving choices are so difficult and one decision may only be slightly "better" than another (choosing from bad options), I have come to the conclusion that guilt just goes with being a decision making care giver. I tell myself I made the best choice I could with what I knew at the time and I try to forgive myself and move on. Some days that works better than others.
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Reply to TNtechie
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