surgery that she put off because my dad was dying. Now she is much stronger and feeling better except she has a walker. Because of her lying, gaslighting, etc, I am very stressed and am burnt out. I thought things would have been different but I’m not happy with this living situation and I’m married. She knows where I am 24/7 and we have no privacy. I feel she can be on her own with occasional help or with visiting caregivers. I’m trying not to feel guilty but it’s taken a toll on me and our relationship. We had a great relationship before this but now I see a different side of her and don’t fully trust her whereas I do everything with my heart but I feel I can’t anymore. Should I ask her to go back to being on her own?

Thank you to all who answered. I’m going to try and talk to her this weekend about how I think it’s best if we go back to the way things were: living separately. It’s taken a toll on me and I can’t go on living like this. I feel like a caregiver only rather than her daughter. She hasn’t really treated me like one since she moved in. Before my dad passed away he said she changed. I feel like I don’t know her truly because I see how narcissistic she is. I feel like I will never do enough for her. I feel tension between us because she isn’t very warm as I am with my children. It’s nothing like I thought it would be and the sad thing is she never sees herself as to blame. Every two months it seems we have words. It was never like that in my life til she moved in.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Cher68
Beatty Sep 24, 2022
Best of luck with The Chat.

Just a small warning.. I was told it can take at least 6 chats before an elder starts to hear your concerns. If they don't want change, it may take even more.

Remember the sandwich approach? "Been great to have you stay - now time to live apart - can help you to choose your next home".

If you get stuck in a loop at The Chat, start the next stage - Action!

This sweetly veiled threat can be used "Choose your AL or someone else will!" 😉

(I've had to choose one...)
See 1 more reply
I feel your pain. My mum moved in with me 6 years ago and it has ruined my life. My relationship ended as did my Job and my social life. I've been desperate to be free for years and need to be me again. I've let it carry on because of guilt but I've decided she will go into a home next April when she will be 97 so that I can have a life before it's too late for me. It's taken it's toll physically and mentally and I've been in a bad place for too long now. Please look after yourself as it won't get any better and you could lose everything like me.
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Reply to NannaJ

It doesn’t sound like a good living situation for anyone. It’s a truism that if it isn’t working for all then it’s working for none. Look into the realistic options your mother has, given her current and most likely future needs, her finances, her need for socialization, and her need for help. Find some doable options and have an honest talk with her, no accusations or blaming, simply letting her know that you all need a new plan going forward. Even if she doesn’t react well, it’s still best to act on this. A burned out, resentful daughter as a caregiver isn’t any good, not judging, just know that we all have limits
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Reply to Daughterof1930

You were having these feelings this time last year. Did you wait because of the surgery? If so, start your chat out that way. "Mom I waited to bring this subject up till after your surgery but I think its time to discuss you moving to an Assisted Living or finding something you can afford. You living here is not working. Our personalities just don't mesh. I have found I need my privacy and I am just not getting it. I have found a few places I think you can afford not far from me. I'd like to take you to see them and pick the one you like." If she argues tell her these are the options she has. If she doesn't pick one, you will.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Beware that only you will see the current living arrangement as unsatisfactory. From a previous post, I see you have (at least 2) brothers. Also, "I think she just wants this to be her last place of residence." Your mother and your brothers8ikk;lljkly want things to remain as they are. Their votes do NOT outweigh yours! Having 2 x chromosomes does NOT automatically mean caregiver!

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford caregivers and her own apartment? Could she become Medicaid-eligible? Who is her POA/HCPOA?

Tell everyone that either she goes to live with a brother or she goes into a facility. Please don't wait yet another year to make this change.
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Reply to CTTN55

Yes, you should discuss it with her and have some options for her to consider before you start the conversation. Don’t ask her to move - tell her in a kind and loving way. Then give her a deadline and make sure she meets it.
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Reply to Fawnby

Unless you invited your mother to live with you 'forever', then it was only a temporary living arrangement to begin with and you have nothing to feel 'guilty' about by honoring the original agreement. You'll need to look into moving her back into her own place but help her get caregivers to come in to help her out with her needs; cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping, etc. If she needs a walker then she can't be expected to clean or do as much around the house as she once was. If she agrees to having help come in, then you can feel good about getting her out of your hair and back to autonomy again in her own home. Living together has to work for ALL concerned, or it's not working. You did enough for 2 years and now it's time to make a change. Who knows, she may welcome the chance to move out and be back to own place again! And if not, oh well.

Wishing you the best of luck getting mom out of your house and back into her own home again.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1

She may be capable of independent living with caregivers now, but she also needs a plan for her future care, in the event that her health declines, which is expected as people age. Moves are difficult for seniors, try to have an arrangement that will also work for her as she needs more care. Her basic choices would be independent living with caregivers, or an assisted living facility. You most likely will have to do the initial legwork to look at a few assisted living facilities near your home. Try to find a couple that you think she would like and can afford (friendly staff, nice facilies, well run, etc.) Having a place near your home will mean that it will be easier to visit her often, oversee her care and be her advocate. Continuing care facilities have independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing all on the same campus. Much will depend on her finances. You can also connect with a local social worker or senior networks to get recommendations. Then have a talk with her about having a plan for her own care that will last for the rest of her life, including a time when she may not be capable of caring for herself at some point in the future. You'll have to tell her that her care is getting to be too much for you and your husband to handle. Make sure that her paperwork is in order (and you and your husband should also do this if you haven't already done so) - you can present it as something for all of you to do. She needs to set up powers of attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. If you will be her POA, you also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. My mother made me joint owner of her accounts, which makes things much easier. I also got a credit card with my name on it for her cc account so that I could purchase things for her. This will be emotional for her and she may resist. Be kind and loving, but you are entitled to draw your own boundaries.
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Reply to NancyIS

Start the conversation and begin touring facilities that have 3 levels of care. Independent Living, Assisted Living and Memory Care (In case that is needed in the future)
The thing to keep in mind with Independent Living is if she needs ANY assistance the staff can not help her.
So if you think that she might need a "little" help then Assisted Living would the the better option.
The cost will increase with the amount of help that she needs. If she needs very little help now but in a month or two she needs help getting dressed or toileting that will eventually increase the cost.
I would do the research and narrow it down to 2 or possibly 3 places to tour (you can tour on your own to narrow them down) and let her select. I think choosing from more than 2 or 3 places would be over whelming.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954

Good Morning,

Sounds like you need a vacation...what about trying a morning day respite program in the neighborhood. Sometimes a little change can make a big difference, a little paint and some curtains.

Every Tuesday morning my mother attends a 4-hour program. They provide transportation but I drive her to and from because in case she has to go to the bathroom.

They provide continental breakfast, hot lunch, I have Mom enrolled in Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy. There is a fee for the facility and a co-pay with insurance for the therapies. An RN is on duty at all times. The ratio is 5:1 for assistance. Sometimes they paint, watch a documentary, plant tomato plants, make things, tile coasters. Blood pressure is also checked.

This gives me (4) hours each week to get things done without worrying. Of course you can increase the days' but it cost more $$$. I think if my mother attended more she would backslide as with dementia patients a lot of them are out of it. It's sad to think that someone who had an interesting past life can hardly remember their name. I know my mother is safe, fed and there is medical personnel if need be. The staff are absolutely wonderful and all work very hard.

Exercise is so important for all of us. The windows open and fresh air in everyday. Flowers on the table for each season.

Oftentimes these facilities have different tiers, assisted living, long term care, NH, Memory care, etc. That's the new model.

The bottom line is: Everything comes down to $$$.

If you have a lot of $$$ you have more options. I don't know a lot of people at least in my social circle that can afford the assisted livings with all of the add-ons--everything is a la carte. (laundry, medications, accompanying to the medical appointments).

Start with the finances first and realistically look at everything and say what can Mom afford "in the area" so you can check on her.

Hope this helped...
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Reply to Ireland

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