My mom has lived with me for almost two years. In 2020, she moved in because I wanted her safe with me. Any advice?

It doesn’t sound like a good living situation for anyone. It’s a truism that if it isn’t working for all then it’s working for none. Look into the realistic options your mother has, given her current and most likely future needs, her finances, her need for socialization, and her need for help. Find some doable options and have an honest talk with her, no accusations or blaming, simply letting her know that you all need a new plan going forward. Even if she doesn’t react well, it’s still best to act on this. A burned out, resentful daughter as a caregiver isn’t any good, not judging, just know that we all have limits

Yes, you should discuss it with her and have some options for her to consider before you start the conversation. Don’t ask her to move - tell her in a kind and loving way. Then give her a deadline and make sure she meets it.

Unless you invited your mother to live with you 'forever', then it was only a temporary living arrangement to begin with and you have nothing to feel 'guilty' about by honoring the original agreement. You'll need to look into moving her back into her own place but help her get caregivers to come in to help her out with her needs; cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping, etc. If she needs a walker then she can't be expected to clean or do as much around the house as she once was. If she agrees to having help come in, then you can feel good about getting her out of your hair and back to autonomy again in her own home. Living together has to work for ALL concerned, or it's not working. You did enough for 2 years and now it's time to make a change. Who knows, she may welcome the chance to move out and be back to own place again! And if not, oh well.

Wishing you the best of luck getting mom out of your house and back into her own home again.

Your mom may find it more difficult to be on her own in some ways as she will have grown dependent.
However, since she was acting as your dads caregiver and needed to focus on her own health when she moved in, she has now had an opportunity to rest.
At almost 91 does she drive?
If she doesn’t, she might qualify for home health. They aren’t caregivers but they can monitor her vitals, set up her meds and provide a CNA and therapy when needed. My mom and my DH aunt enjoyed many years with Home Health assistance.

Had you taken over her bills and shopping? That can be managed to a great extent online these days. MOW might be available. Daycare may be an option. A regular housekeeper or a daily aide for a couple of hours can be a great help.
Think through all these aspects beforehand so you don’t get pulled back in too soon.

You need to also think through how much time you want to contribute if any.
Also know which hospital and or facility she would be taken to for when she has a health issue. Even if this only lasts a year or two, even six months, it will give you a needed break.

And even if you did imply that she would live with you forever, you have the right to change your mind. You don’t have to be angry or to justify your decision.
That’s a waste of time and can cause problems you don’t need.

It is something you need to do for yourself. That’s all you need to say. You aren’t abandoning her, only moving her to where she can still get whatever help she might need.

I hope it works for you both and you can recover some of the relationship you enjoyed in the past.

Thank you to all who answered. I’m going to try and talk to her this weekend about how I think it’s best if we go back to the way things were: living separately. It’s taken a toll on me and I can’t go on living like this. I feel like a caregiver only rather than her daughter. She hasn’t really treated me like one since she moved in. Before my dad passed away he said she changed. I feel like I don’t know her truly because I see how narcissistic she is. I feel like I will never do enough for her. I feel tension between us because she isn’t very warm as I am with my children. It’s nothing like I thought it would be and the sad thing is she never sees herself as to blame. Every two months it seems we have words. It was never like that in my life til she moved in.

You were having these feelings this time last year. Did you wait because of the surgery? If so, start your chat out that way. "Mom I waited to bring this subject up till after your surgery but I think its time to discuss you moving to an Assisted Living or finding something you can afford. You living here is not working. Our personalities just don't mesh. I have found I need my privacy and I am just not getting it. I have found a few places I think you can afford not far from me. I'd like to take you to see them and pick the one you like." If she argues tell her these are the options she has. If she doesn't pick one, you will.

I feel your pain. My mum moved in with me 6 years ago and it has ruined my life. My relationship ended as did my Job and my social life. I've been desperate to be free for years and need to be me again. I've let it carry on because of guilt but I've decided she will go into a home next April when she will be 97 so that I can have a life before it's too late for me. It's taken it's toll physically and mentally and I've been in a bad place for too long now. Please look after yourself as it won't get any better and you could lose everything like me.

Beware that only you will see the current living arrangement as unsatisfactory. From a previous post, I see you have (at least 2) brothers. Also, "I think she just wants this to be her last place of residence." Your mother and your brothers8ikk;lljkly want things to remain as they are. Their votes do NOT outweigh yours! Having 2 x chromosomes does NOT automatically mean caregiver!

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford caregivers and her own apartment? Could she become Medicaid-eligible? Who is her POA/HCPOA?

Tell everyone that either she goes to live with a brother or she goes into a facility. Please don't wait yet another year to make this change.

Can your mother move into an assisted living facility to give you respite relief?

She may be capable of independent living with caregivers now, but she also needs a plan for her future care, in the event that her health declines, which is expected as people age. Moves are difficult for seniors, try to have an arrangement that will also work for her as she needs more care. Her basic choices would be independent living with caregivers, or an assisted living facility. You most likely will have to do the initial legwork to look at a few assisted living facilities near your home. Try to find a couple that you think she would like and can afford (friendly staff, nice facilies, well run, etc.) Having a place near your home will mean that it will be easier to visit her often, oversee her care and be her advocate. Continuing care facilities have independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing all on the same campus. Much will depend on her finances. You can also connect with a local social worker or senior networks to get recommendations. Then have a talk with her about having a plan for her own care that will last for the rest of her life, including a time when she may not be capable of caring for herself at some point in the future. You'll have to tell her that her care is getting to be too much for you and your husband to handle. Make sure that her paperwork is in order (and you and your husband should also do this if you haven't already done so) - you can present it as something for all of you to do. She needs to set up powers of attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. If you will be her POA, you also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. My mother made me joint owner of her accounts, which makes things much easier. I also got a credit card with my name on it for her cc account so that I could purchase things for her. This will be emotional for her and she may resist. Be kind and loving, but you are entitled to draw your own boundaries.

Yes.

Start the conversation and begin touring facilities that have 3 levels of care. Independent Living, Assisted Living and Memory Care (In case that is needed in the future)
The thing to keep in mind with Independent Living is if she needs ANY assistance the staff can not help her.
So if you think that she might need a "little" help then Assisted Living would the the better option.
The cost will increase with the amount of help that she needs. If she needs very little help now but in a month or two she needs help getting dressed or toileting that will eventually increase the cost.
I would do the research and narrow it down to 2 or possibly 3 places to tour (you can tour on your own to narrow them down) and let her select. I think choosing from more than 2 or 3 places would be over whelming.

Good Morning,

Sounds like you need a vacation...what about trying a morning day respite program in the neighborhood. Sometimes a little change can make a big difference, a little paint and some curtains.

Every Tuesday morning my mother attends a 4-hour program. They provide transportation but I drive her to and from because in case she has to go to the bathroom.

They provide continental breakfast, hot lunch, I have Mom enrolled in Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy. There is a fee for the facility and a co-pay with insurance for the therapies. An RN is on duty at all times. The ratio is 5:1 for assistance. Sometimes they paint, watch a documentary, plant tomato plants, make things, tile coasters. Blood pressure is also checked.

This gives me (4) hours each week to get things done without worrying. Of course you can increase the days' but it cost more $$$. I think if my mother attended more she would backslide as with dementia patients a lot of them are out of it. It's sad to think that someone who had an interesting past life can hardly remember their name. I know my mother is safe, fed and there is medical personnel if need be. The staff are absolutely wonderful and all work very hard.

Exercise is so important for all of us. The windows open and fresh air in everyday. Flowers on the table for each season.

Oftentimes these facilities have different tiers, assisted living, long term care, NH, Memory care, etc. That's the new model.

The bottom line is: Everything comes down to $$$.

If you have a lot of $$$ you have more options. I don't know a lot of people at least in my social circle that can afford the assisted livings with all of the add-ons--everything is a la carte. (laundry, medications, accompanying to the medical appointments).

Start with the finances first and realistically look at everything and say what can Mom afford "in the area" so you can check on her.

Hope this helped...

I already know I could never live with my mom. I could maybe do a duplex where she was upstairs and I was downstairs ( with our own kitchen , bathrooms etc ) but my mom is very manipulative. She has been her entire life. We get along for a little bit then we are both mad at each other all the time. She plays the age card all the time and … to many things to list that I know when the time comes she needs 24/7 help it will not be with me. It just wouldn’t work. Our entire lives we have clashed. It’s ok to ask for help and it’s ok to help her find other options. My mom currently lives in a senior citizen apartment building. She didn’t want to at first but all her kids made it clear she was perfectly able to take care of herself right now and with her low income that was the best thing for her. Well she made a couple friends ! She has things close to her where she can walk ( grocery store , Walgreens to get her meds , Wendy’s , couple other restaurants. There is even a gym in walking distance ( my mom chooses not to drive but she is perfectly able to do so ) there are buses that can take her anywhere within walking distance too. Win win ! I agree with others here …. It does no good for either of you to stay where both of you are getting angry . Some of us just can’t take it. I am one of those. I work in healthcare now and I know the energy, time and money it takes to care for others ! I can only do so much. I know my limits. Have the talk with her. She will be ok

When it comes to care of a loved one we often make decisions out of haste and don’t think through to consequences. I am sure there were times she questioned her decision to have you during your childhood. At this point you need to regain your own life. Stop being a servant for things she can do on her own. Stop engaging in useless conversation. Treat your situation like a job, take time off disengage your self to be with your wife. Do things you want to do. It really is all about your mental state and how you handle the situation

Hello, and the answer is Yes!
Ask her or insist that she goes back to being on her
own with occasional care giving or a companion.
You’ve said you feel she can handle being on her own. Stop the quilt, you have a life of your own and deserve happiness!!
If the tide should ever change, then change accordingly but never forget your past encounter and adjust accordingly!
best wishes💕

Do not live with her. Tell her you are going to figure out next best solution with occasional help + Caregivers. Your peace of mind + physical/emotional well being matter. YOU have to go forward & succeed. I would never do this. I value my soul & spirit too much. My Mom is legit mentally ill, with NPD & Borderline...so a diff set of circumstances. For you to vent here that you are unhappy...speaks volumes. You should not be sacrificing your happiness--life. You will still be her Daughter and spend time with her. Some suggest you need a vacation. Nah. You need a diff living situation.

I know how you feel because my mother moved in with me. She left and moved to a memory care residence and within 6 months she passed. I regret that decision everyday. Your mother won’t be here long. Try to enjoy the time that you have left with her because when she’s gone, there’s nothing you can do to change things.

I think the answer depends on how much money is available to care for her. I was shocked when I found out just how much a home care givers costs for my husband who is confined in a hosital bed in the living room.

I live in CA and I pay $1,400 a week for 8 hours a day care giver for my husband. When my mother (in Michigan) went to a care giving facility, it was $72,000 a year. A lot depends on whether you go private for a care giver or through an agency. There are pro and cons for each option. You might consider "day care" where you mother can go during the day. Before making a decision, get as much info as you can from a variety of options available to you.

Try not to feel guilty about the solution you choose. There is really no "perfect" solution in some situations.

There is really no "perfect" solution to dealing with this issue.

Continuing Care Communities start with Independent Living:
https://www.seniorliving.org/continuing-care-retirement-communities/

You moved her in because you wanted her safe. So the question is why wasn't she safe in prior residence? If it was because of needed surgery, that resulted with her having less mobility than when she lived at other house - she's on a walker now instead of walking independently. Based on that change, it doesn't seem that she would be safer now than then.

If the lying/gaslighting you mention is about not being as healthy as you think she may be, you can rack that up to wanting to stay where she is. It would have to be scary for someone now on a walker to return to living alone. While my mom did quite well with a walker, I recognized the decline and I could see living alone could mean a fall where she wasn't found quick enough. (Yes, she had a medical alert, but you have to be able to push the button in an emergency).

Since her move was all about safety, that has not changed. How about tossing her income toward aids to come in and help her out so you are free to leave the house. Involve more people in her care so she engages with others and not just you. If she went to church before, get her involved again...and with some older church groups that have meetings or work on projects together. If she sews, drag out the machine and give her a sewing spot. Engage her in activities that she used to like to do.

Aside from that, if she has big bucks saved up (or from sale of home) find her an assisted living facility where she can set up her own home base near you and where other people her age attend activities. If she doesn't have thousands to keep her at AL, then you would have to consider nursing home level care where her existing money will be used up to pay and then you apply for Medicaid bed. Do you think she needs 24 hour care? If so, NH will be the answer.

Cher68: Perhaps your hospitality of two years should come to an end as your mother may be strong and well enough to live on her own. You could set up caregivers for her with, of course, her footing the bill financially. Your marriage is your priority as well as your own health since you've stated that you're "very stressed and am burnt out."