OId people with dementia who can't stop masturbating is certainly not a turn on. Especially if you are the one who has to wipe their behind daily. Etc. If you are the spouse that is. Intimacy at that stage doesn't have to be sex. I think many in society think it's a badge of honor if they can still get it on at 80 or 90 years old but some have a higher sex drive that never ebbs even as they age. It might even be a brain defect to have to high or to low of a sex drive. Factor in excessive levels of testosterone or estrogen and that also impacts sex drive too.
I've worked in many situations that involved both constant masturbation by male clients and for dementia clients who would get into their diapers and spread their sh*t all over themselves and anywhere else they could reach. The poop problem is easily solved using duct tape on the diapers and keeping a pair of rounded-edge bandage scissors handy for removing it when it's changing time. Or putting a pair of oven mitts on the client so they can't get into their diapers. The constant masturbation is something else. That person can no longer be effectively cared for at home. Not that they do all that much about it in a nursing home. Truthfully, they don't do anything but at that point the person belongs in a facility. A person also belongs in a nursing home when fecal fixation starts as well. No single person should have to deal with that every day along with being the caregiver 24/7. No one deserves that and it's time for a nursing home. On my last caregiving position I had to deal with this every day and not just from one client, but from two. One was in a duct-taped diaper and that problem was solved but the other had dementia and was still mobile. He also masturbated non-stop. I named my price to the family because it wasn't going to be cheap, but after a couple of months even I had to stop. I told the family that they had to be placed. Homecare is no longer a realistic option for clients like this who are that far gone with dementia. I left but gave my girls who I brought in the option of staying. I explained the liability of continuing to be caregivers to these two clients. That if something bad happened and most assuredly it would when you have a dementia client who's still mobile, that the caregiver is always the one held responsible. Not the family who is actually legally responsible for making all the decisions, but the caregiver. My girls ended up leaving that position too. Even though we made big money. The family was upset because their parents didn't have LTC insurance and private care 24/7 at home was still cheaper than paying for two people to be in a facility. The couple was eventually placed. The family tried more homecare but it failed. Once it gets to constant masturbation and sh*t fixation, it's time for a care facility.
To a dying brain, openly masturbating is probably something someone completely is unaware they're doing. It's NOT disgusting and filthy. It's a part of natural urges. It's a method of relaxation to some, to others it's something they're completely unaware they're doing it.
Yes, there are some people who are trying to 'shock' someone, but, they're not the rule.
It isn't even 'satisfying' for most 'offenders'. It just is what it is.
Finding other things to occupy the hands, the mind are better than throwing someone in a NH away from people who find this 'an ugly deed'.
No, sorry Midkid but some old-timer jerking off is disgusting and filthy. I've taken care of many elderly people and will say this is where I draw the line. Jerking off in front of me is when I will walk away and not take care of a person. When person's dementia gets to the point where they will masturbate in public and in front of anyone, it's time for a nursing home. Riley is right one-hundred percent.
This is known as Inappropriate Sexual Behavior *ISB* that goes along with dementia. It is unacceptable for you and mom to have to witness this, of course, so contact dad's doctor right away for medication to calm down his impulses.
I see you said "His neurologist is aware, but nothing prescribed had helped to curb his urges. He removes his pants and openly does it in front of me." In that case, it's time to move dad OUT of the house and INTO either a Memory Care ALF or a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if funds are not available b/c you have to draw the line somewhere. Dementia or not, removing one's pants & masturbating in front of you constitutes GOING TOO FAR. Plus, I'd speak to this neuro and ask for stronger meds.
In the meantime, I'd dress dad in an anti strip jumpsuit which would take care of his behavior quite nicely:
Absolutely right. It's time for the father to go into a care facility. I'm all for keeping an elderly person at home, but I'll draw the line when the demented elder is abusing themselves in front of their daughter. That's when it's time for care facility placement.
Bundle, I think OP meant ‘normal for dementia’, not just normal normal. And as CM said in the first reply, it’s a very embarrassing and painful subject. OP may well be taking advantage of the anonymity of our site to look for help. OP’s profile doesn’t read like a troll.
I first came across this dealing with a group of middle-aged mothers of young adult sons with very low IQ. Four or five had taken their sons by train for a picnic in a National Park in the hills just behind the city, and it started on the way back. The rest of the compartment travelers shifted compartments, ‘looking like they’d never seen one before’, to quote this very hard boiled group of ladies. This was just after all the institutions were closed down, and ‘community living’ was the new mantra for SWs.
OP, sometimes you have to be tough! It may help your medicos if you can work out if it’s exhibitionist behavior (ie someone has to be watching), or just lack of inhibitions. A monitoring camera might be useful.
I've worked for more than a few elderly clients that masturbated continually and did it in front of not just me but others. Usually telling someone to knock it off does the trick. When it doesn't then it's time for a nursing home. Never, ever let yourself become upset in front of the client though. This will cause them to go at it even more because they want attention.
I apologize for the misuse of the word 'normal'. I was struggling to find the right word. I only meant is this something that is dementia related? Have others dealt with this same situation? My mom on the other hand is fixated on picking her teeth! She does it so much that she broke a tooth! Again, my apologies!
Examples like this are proof that free will does not exist. People are who they are because of their brain. Dementia only provea this reality as we see how impulses of a sexual nature are controlled by a person's brain. Some are defectibe later in life due to dementia while others are born defective.
I think that's a good idea Grandma 1954 has about the clothing. They also make specialty anti strip clothing for those with dementia that fasten in back which would at least keep him covered.
@Imissmym0m... you say that he does this openly in front of you. Does he do this in front of anyone else? (Oh, you do say it is just you and your mom that have witnessed this.) Even though he has dementia you can tell him that it is unacceptable and you can get up and leave the room. I would also probably try pants that are difficult for him to remove. Or at least putting a belt and or suspenders on so it will take him a bit longer to remove the pants giving you time to leave if this is what you want to do. It is odd that he does this only in front of you. Again I would probably start looking at Memory Care sooner than later. This has to be difficult for your mom to witness as well.
Thankfully, due to my mom's short term memory, she forgets everything shortly after it occurs. I am going to take your suggestion about the blanket. Thank you again.
I would say its time for Dad to be placed and he needs more carre than MC. You can't care for 2 people. For me, I would care for my Mom before my Dad. I would not deal well with this.
The type of dementia your FIL suffered from, was most likely, fronto-temporal type. People with this type of dementia lose all ability to control their instincts in a socially accepted way. They disregard all social rules and become a total "savage". people with Alzheimer's never do that. There is no cure for fronto-temporal dementia. He was most likely impotent and was no threat to others.
My sweet FIL had some sexual 'quirks' in his nature--and I am sure that is probably 98% why MIL divorced him.
He was a voyeuer of sorts--liked to take pics of himself in various stages of undress and sexual excitement. Sometimes he'd stand in front of the plate glass window naked and take pics from behind that showed people outside--but the reflection on the glass kept the outsiders from seeing him.
After he died, I found THOUSANDS of these kinds of pics. I was initially just sickened by them---but after a month of finding more and more and more (Oh, plus the NEGATIVES, too)....I just grew numb. He was taking his film to be developed at the local 1 hour place, so obviously a LOT more people than me saw them. To this day, I wonder if there are pics of him circulating out there on the internet.
I tried to talk to my DH and he simply refused to believe his dad would do such a thing. Even with the pics and the negatives, he refused to accept it.
My BIL is a psychologist and he was able to help walk me through the torn feelings that I now had about my FIL. Was he a total perv or a mentally sick man? A big mix of both.
Never really did understand this. I burned through a shredder destroying all the pics and negatives. Sadly, along with the 'garbage' shots, there were lots of family pics, but I couldn't look at those w/o seeing the other ones in my head.
FIL died before his dementia got to the point where he was openly 'sexual'. I did have to talk to all the grand-girls and we were assured they'd never had any bad experiences with Gpa.
He was truly a wonderful man with some quirks and urges I cannot, to this day, understand.
My BIL said that FIL was starting on a medication (I'm thinking a tricyclic Antidepressant) that quells the sex drive. He never did take it, to my knowledge, but this could be something you bring uo with his dr.
not to nit-pick..but I guess I am.. this should have been a conversation with all the grandkids not just the girls. And there is a possibility that HIS kids may have been effected as well.
Filters that we use to live in the day to day world often are dropped with dementia. Some will masturbate, others have other "things" they do. If he is sitting I would just make sure he has a lap blanket over him. If he is mobile and wandering around I would try to direct him to a private location, his room or if you are able to get him to sit quietly and get the lap blanket. You probably will not get him to stop, all you can do is try to control location and "visibility" of the situation. I would caution you though If he goes out doors for walks I would not let him go by himself. Keep him away from parks, school areas including bus stops and any other place where children may be. It might be a good idea to notify the police if he does wander. You mention in your profile you are caring for your mom. And that both parents were living at home. If they are living at home (one or both of them) it might be a good idea to start thinking of Memory Care for dad. From your name I am going to take a guess that mom has passed and that you are caring for dad now. If that is the case I am sorry for your loss and choosing Memory Care might be a difficult decision to make but it might be the safest one.
Thank you. I'm caring for both parents, but my mom is my best friend, and I miss our former relationship. This has been so painful. Thank you for your suggestions, the blanket is a good idea. Up until now I have been directing him to stop because it triggers bad memories (not of him) Thankfully he does not go outside, and other than my mom, no one else has witnessed it.
It is a feature of dementia that doesn't get talked about much because it is so painful as a subject for families and caregivers, so it is hard to say (I have no idea) how common it is. Doesn't his neurologist have any helpful advice for you?
When you say "out in the open" - are we talking about in public, in the home, or what?
However, I am more concerned about the horrible views of sex that I've read in some of these posts.
I've worked in many situations that involved both constant masturbation by male clients and for dementia clients who would get into their diapers and spread their sh*t all over themselves and anywhere else they could reach.
The poop problem is easily solved using duct tape on the diapers and keeping a pair of rounded-edge bandage scissors handy for removing it when it's changing time. Or putting a pair of oven mitts on the client so they can't get into their diapers.
The constant masturbation is something else. That person can no longer be effectively cared for at home. Not that they do all that much about it in a nursing home. Truthfully, they don't do anything but at that point the person belongs in a facility. A person also belongs in a nursing home when fecal fixation starts as well. No single person should have to deal with that every day along with being the caregiver 24/7. No one deserves that and it's time for a nursing home.
On my last caregiving position I had to deal with this every day and not just from one client, but from two. One was in a duct-taped diaper and that problem was solved but the other had dementia and was still mobile. He also masturbated non-stop. I named my price to the family because it wasn't going to be cheap, but after a couple of months even I had to stop.
I told the family that they had to be placed. Homecare is no longer a realistic option for clients like this who are that far gone with dementia. I left but gave my girls who I brought in the option of staying. I explained the liability of continuing to be caregivers to these two clients. That if something bad happened and most assuredly it would when you have a dementia client who's still mobile, that the caregiver is always the one held responsible.
Not the family who is actually legally responsible for making all the decisions, but the caregiver.
My girls ended up leaving that position too. Even though we made big money. The family was upset because their parents didn't have LTC insurance and private care 24/7 at home was still cheaper than paying for two people to be in a facility.
The couple was eventually placed. The family tried more homecare but it failed. Once it gets to constant masturbation and sh*t fixation, it's time for a care facility.
To a dying brain, openly masturbating is probably something someone completely is unaware they're doing. It's NOT disgusting and filthy. It's a part of natural urges. It's a method of relaxation to some, to others it's something they're completely unaware they're doing it.
Yes, there are some people who are trying to 'shock' someone, but, they're not the rule.
It isn't even 'satisfying' for most 'offenders'. It just is what it is.
Finding other things to occupy the hands, the mind are better than throwing someone in a NH away from people who find this 'an ugly deed'.
When person's dementia gets to the point where they will masturbate in public and in front of anyone, it's time for a nursing home.
Riley is right one-hundred percent.
I see you said "His neurologist is aware, but nothing prescribed had helped to curb his urges. He removes his pants and openly does it in front of me." In that case, it's time to move dad OUT of the house and INTO either a Memory Care ALF or a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if funds are not available b/c you have to draw the line somewhere. Dementia or not, removing one's pants & masturbating in front of you constitutes GOING TOO FAR. Plus, I'd speak to this neuro and ask for stronger meds.
In the meantime, I'd dress dad in an anti strip jumpsuit which would take care of his behavior quite nicely:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=alzheimers+anti+strip+clothing+men&crid=3OHBTCK6O7HC9&sprefix=alzheimers+anti+strip%2Caps%2C106&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_21
Good luck
I first came across this dealing with a group of middle-aged mothers of young adult sons with very low IQ. Four or five had taken their sons by train for a picnic in a National Park in the hills just behind the city, and it started on the way back. The rest of the compartment travelers shifted compartments, ‘looking like they’d never seen one before’, to quote this very hard boiled group of ladies. This was just after all the institutions were closed down, and ‘community living’ was the new mantra for SWs.
OP, sometimes you have to be tough! It may help your medicos if you can work out if it’s exhibitionist behavior (ie someone has to be watching), or just lack of inhibitions. A monitoring camera might be useful.
Usually telling someone to knock it off does the trick. When it doesn't then it's time for a nursing home. Never, ever let yourself become upset in front of the client though. This will cause them to go at it even more because they want attention.
no one writes in their question heading such a topic, and then "is this normal behavior?".
the person might write the various things they tried, to stop their father. but not just "is this normal?".
this message/"question" was written to provoke.
My mom on the other hand is fixated on picking her teeth! She does it so much that she broke a tooth!
Again, my apologies!
https://www.buckandbuck.com/mens-adaptive/jumpsuits.html
https://www.silverts.com/all-adaptive/pants/alzheimer-s-jumpsuits?gender=80
you say that he does this openly in front of you. Does he do this in front of anyone else? (Oh, you do say it is just you and your mom that have witnessed this.)
Even though he has dementia you can tell him that it is unacceptable and you can get up and leave the room.
I would also probably try pants that are difficult for him to remove. Or at least putting a belt and or suspenders on so it will take him a bit longer to remove the pants giving you time to leave if this is what you want to do.
It is odd that he does this only in front of you.
Again I would probably start looking at Memory Care sooner than later. This has to be difficult for your mom to witness as well.
I am going to take your suggestion about the blanket.
Thank you again.
He was a voyeuer of sorts--liked to take pics of himself in various stages of undress and sexual excitement. Sometimes he'd stand in front of the plate glass window naked and take pics from behind that showed people outside--but the reflection on the glass kept the outsiders from seeing him.
After he died, I found THOUSANDS of these kinds of pics. I was initially just sickened by them---but after a month of finding more and more and more (Oh, plus the NEGATIVES, too)....I just grew numb. He was taking his film to be developed at the local 1 hour place, so obviously a LOT more people than me saw them. To this day, I wonder if there are pics of him circulating out there on the internet.
I tried to talk to my DH and he simply refused to believe his dad would do such a thing. Even with the pics and the negatives, he refused to accept it.
My BIL is a psychologist and he was able to help walk me through the torn feelings that I now had about my FIL. Was he a total perv or a mentally sick man? A big mix of both.
Never really did understand this. I burned through a shredder destroying all the pics and negatives. Sadly, along with the 'garbage' shots, there were lots of family pics, but I couldn't look at those w/o seeing the other ones in my head.
FIL died before his dementia got to the point where he was openly 'sexual'. I did have to talk to all the grand-girls and we were assured they'd never had any bad experiences with Gpa.
He was truly a wonderful man with some quirks and urges I cannot, to this day, understand.
My BIL said that FIL was starting on a medication (I'm thinking a tricyclic Antidepressant) that quells the sex drive. He never did take it, to my knowledge, but this could be something you bring uo with his dr.
this should have been a conversation with all the grandkids not just the girls. And there is a possibility that HIS kids may have been effected as well.
Some will masturbate, others have other "things" they do.
If he is sitting I would just make sure he has a lap blanket over him.
If he is mobile and wandering around I would try to direct him to a private location, his room or if you are able to get him to sit quietly and get the lap blanket.
You probably will not get him to stop, all you can do is try to control location and "visibility" of the situation.
I would caution you though If he goes out doors for walks I would not let him go by himself. Keep him away from parks, school areas including bus stops and any other place where children may be.
It might be a good idea to notify the police if he does wander.
You mention in your profile you are caring for your mom. And that both parents were living at home. If they are living at home (one or both of them) it might be a good idea to start thinking of Memory Care for dad.
From your name I am going to take a guess that mom has passed and that you are caring for dad now. If that is the case I am sorry for your loss and choosing Memory Care might be a difficult decision to make but it might be the safest one.
I'm caring for both parents, but my mom is my best friend, and I miss our former relationship. This has been so painful.
Thank you for your suggestions, the blanket is a good idea. Up until now I have been directing him to stop because it triggers bad memories (not of him)
Thankfully he does not go outside, and other than my mom, no one else has witnessed it.
When you say "out in the open" - are we talking about in public, in the home, or what?