My 71 year old husband is suddenly obsessed with sex chat sites. He tried to charge hundreds of dollars to these sites. He even tried to make arrangements to meet a woman for sex. Fortunately the bank denied the charges and notified me. This is totally not my husband. We’ve been married 53 years. I’ve never had a reason to doubt his fidelity. Anyone else experience anything like this with their loved one who has dementia?

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I hate to say this is music to my ears but....this is music to my ears. My husband is 86, I am 68. Almost a year ago I discovered that my husband was privately messaging the women who followed him on Twitter and frequenting soft porn sites on Facebook. After a couple arguments about this he declared he had gotten off Twitter because he was getting into too much trouble but after a peek at his phone I saw he had created both a Hangouts and WhatsApp sites with all those same women on them (including porn stars). He's continued with Twitter and although we don't follow each other I can see his activity which is really over the top making inappropriate comments to women. Out of curiosity I created two fake women profiles and started following him. I WAS SORRY I DID THAT. It was total sexting and he would text them when he got up at night to use the was pretty close to stalking. Sometimes he shares these things with me and claims there have been at least 100 women (all in the age group of 25 to 30) who have all asked for "cards" and when he turns them down he loses them as a "friend." He actually calls them friends. One really good "friend" has now received $720 from him because she was stuck in Africa. Obviously he discussed this with me. But he believes each and every sob story he has heard and feels guilty that he's not helping them. He tells me I'm too suspicious and jealous. Only recently have I realized that I can't talk about this subject with any rationality because he gets so defensive that he has talked about divorce on several occasions. I appreciated someone saying "don't take it personally" but it really is hard. I know that someone could sit down and chat with my husband and think he's perfectly fine. I'm on anti-anxiety meds but feel like I'm getting an ulcer! I'm sorry, all I did is vent; I don't have an answer but consider myself a kindred spirit :(
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Reply to PrairiePrincess
disgustedtoo Apr 16, 2021
Wow. He's been suckered, multiple times!

"One really good "friend" has now received $720 from him because she was stuck in Africa."

Is this an equivalent to the Nigerian Prince? She's the Nigerian Princess, Rapunzel, stuck in the tower?

Is there any way to take away all Credit Cards from him, so he can't "send" money to these poor "damsels" (likely men or boys really!)?

Interesting that "when he turns them down he loses them as a "friend."" Doesn't seem to dawn on him that this is all they really wanted, $$$? Even with dementia you'd think something like that would be more of a long term memory - people with hand out who get something are your "friend", but no more hand outs, bye bye!

Also, if he has documented dementia and IF you have POA, can you possibly freeze his credit, so he can't open another credit card? Also, if you can get your hands on his phone, maybe remove the "play store", so he can't add any more apps and remove those he has?

The good news is Hangouts IS going away. It was supposed to be gone a while ago, but it's still "usable". More often than not, it crashes on my PC and I have to open it again. There is another tool to replace it, and one can move their history over, but I haven't done it yet.

(before hitting Post Reply, I did read your profile.. Yikes! Definite burnout. No mention of dementia, but seriously, he's likely at least in the early stages.)
I think you should be asking if it is “common”
My Husband never did. Totally opposite for him he wanted no intimate contact. I could give him a hug but he would not hug back.
I could give him a kiss when I left the house and when I returned and he would give me a kiss but he would not initiate the kiss. And we are talking a quick kiss not a deep loving kiss. But that was him.
I have heard others in support groups I have been in and they have also experienced spouses with heightened libidos.
Do not doubt his fidelity. This is the broken brain at work not him. Try to see if you can put “parental controls” in effect on the computer and I would also block his use of credit cards.
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Reply to Grandma1954
Catyduke Apr 17, 2021
Thank you for your comment. My husband and I have been married less than 6 years. I didn’t know he had dementia. Before we got married he was very loving and after we got married he changed. He no longer kissed unless I initiate it. So I quit.
I had a friend tell me that he might have dementia but when I talked to people they said no that’s how he is. This was when we had first met. To be honest I wish I had listened to my friend and ran.
My mom, 95 yrs. old, with dementia, suddenly started touching herself "inappropriately" when she thought no one was around and it was hugely embarrassing to anyone who caught her at it. The nurses said this was very common and gave her medication to reduce this behavior. We had tried talking to her before putting her on medication, but it didn't help. Medicine worked.
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Reply to vacayassist
ZippyZee Apr 16, 2021
Nothing inappropriate about that if no one's around imo. Elders have the urges we all do.
Apparently yes; cognitive issues impact the affected person's ability to control impulses. My dad used to be very shy and reserved until his radiation therapy for a frontal lobe meningioma. After treatment, and cognitive issues arising from said treatment and other medical issues I was forced to move him into an AL MC. At the AL he became a lean, mean love machine. 1 year, 2 girlfriends later he decided to up the steaks and hit on his Physical Therapist.

As Zippy and MAC above mentioned, please do not take it personally, it is beyond their control, it is the illness talking and acting.

Best wishes.
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Reply to SusanHeart

Dementia can cause damage to different areas of the brain. He appears to have problems with controlling impulsive urges. This is very common with damage to certain parts of the brain. A few suggestions

1 - Change passwords to logon to computers and websites.

2 - Tell him your bank accounts have been "hacked". The "bank" (you) will send new cards (reloadable gift card that looks like a credit card). Destroy his cards and keep your bank info and credit/debit card(s) under lock and key.

3 - Talk to his doctor about his impulse control issues. His primary care doctor may make a referral to a neurologist for evaluation and treatment,

4 - Limit all sexually stimulating inputs to things that revolve around you.

5 - Praying for you!
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Reply to Taarna

Yes. My Father, who was 88, thought he was 13 yrs old. Girl crazy. Would chase anyone female and wanted to ask them out. I told him he was married. He thought my Mother, his wife was HIS Mother! Kinda of funny, kinda not. Dementia is f-ed up.
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Reply to Trimm1

So thankful my 87 year old Mom has never learned how to use the computer.
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Reply to Annie689

Yes. My 89 year old mom with vascular dementia talked endlessly about how all the "boys" at the facility would fight over her. They all wanted to sleep with her. Normally she had been modest and reserved. Jarring for me at first, but at least it was more pleasant than when she kept saying how the staff was trying to kill her. Dementia sucks, but what can you do?
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Reply to DSS893
jacobsonbob Apr 18, 2021
The next thing might be that she thinks the staff want to kill her because they are jealous of all the attention she is getting from the "boys"!
Like ZippyZee said early on, it's called Inappropriate Sexual Behavior or ISB and happens quite a bit with dementia and Alzheimer's. There are medications his doctor can prescribe to calm down his libido especially if he becomes aggressive with YOU and expecting lots of sex, or forcing himself on you. We see that quite often here. If his doctor has never heard of ISB, find a new doctor who's well versed with dementia.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

I don't know it this is the case but check the side effects on your husband's meds. surprisingly several of them have side effects like excessive gambling and sexually related behaviors. This may be the cause especially since you said the change in behavior was sudden.
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Reply to Mermal

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