My father has mental issues of his own and is in complete denial regarding my mother's middle-advanced Alzheimer's. What can I do?

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Risking her health. My father has been caring for my mother with Alzheimer's for 5 years. He is completely aware of her decline mentally and physically. He has mental issues of his own (mostly depression) but refuses to let us bring in help. He is very selfish and cheap! Recently, my mother had falling episodes. Doctors told us malnutrition most likely caused her weakness and unsteadiness. She now can walk (not well) but, should use a walker ALWAYS. My father doesn't let her use it...says it makes her weaker. He also will not feed her if she says she is not hungry. If you place food in front of her, she will eat like a starving horse. She is no longer capable of performing hygienic needs...showering, dressing, hair, makeup etc.. without assistance. He is not willing to help with any of those needs, yet lies to her doctors and tells them she does it all just fine. He often forgets to give her required medications. When I went to care for my mother after a particularly bad fall due to malnutrition, it was like walking into the haunted mansion. Their home literally had trash, cobwebs everywhere, barely anything in the fridge...but a whole dining table of candy, cookies, donuts, chips. I cannot stay and take care of them indefinitely. I live in California and they live in Oregon. He does not want to hire in home caretakers (housekeepers, food preparation, daily hygiene and memory care). What can I do? He refuses to seek help for his own mental problems. I have added handicap bars throughout the home and prepared the larger bathroom with all the necessary aides. He is also very quick tempered with my sweet mother and says mean things to her. He gets so mad or frustrated that at times I think he would shake her if I wasn't present. I am sooo worried and concerned. I recently had a medical emergency of my own and had to return to California. In my absence, he has admitted to making her stand in the shower that has NO handicap handles and has glass doors by herself while he waited outside the shower. I know for a fact she cannot bathe herself as she thinks she has washed everything before we even begin. He is putting her at risk for yet another fall and doesn't see it! He also admitted to me that his "dinner" for them one night was 2 small, individual snack tray of veggies, cheese, and almonds that I had taken up as "travelling snacks." This is going to be an endless cycle of malnutrition, unclean house keeping, and poor hygiene. HELP what can I do? I consider this elder abuse of my mother and self abuse for my dad.

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Has dad been assessed for dementia himself? - you have to get her out of there & where she can get good care as he is not giving it - has dad been assessed for malnutrition? because that diet could give it to him too & thus he is not thinking straight

By removing her, you may be saving her life & if something happens it will take a long time for you to get over the fact you could have stopped him
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It sounds like your father doesn't even have the wherewithal to take care of himself, let alone his wife, especially since he is suffering from depression. Please obtain a medical assessment from their physician(s).
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If the above suggestions by BarbBrooklyn do not help you may have to resort to obtaining Guardianship.
It might be wise to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see if there are other options. (If the suggestions do not work)
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In order to avoid the brunt of this on your shoulders:
Call their doctor’s office and make an appointment to speak to the doctor by phone. Explain what is going on at their home. Ask HIM to order the needs assessment.

We have an extremely bullheaded Papa and that is what’s our Doctor told us. He said he had broad shoulders and to put all of the burden on him, so we could be the “good” daughters. Worked like a charm.

Please keep us updated, as we will worry about you.
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I know how you feel. I am in a similar but slightly different situation. It's my dad with dementia and my mom the unwilling "caregiver". I don't live with them but I do live within waking distance. It's been heartbreaking watching the devolving situation day after day like a bad dream, for several years. So in a way I envy you for being able to distance yourself. Believe me, it's an awful situation whether or not you are there to monitor it, it unfolds anyway.

My mom also refused outside care for my dad. We had home health care lined up in 2016 and she told them they were intruders into her home and was rude to them. That is what the physical therapist told me, but I had already figured out which way it was headed from my mom's comments. That was the last hope for my dad.

I had to place my dad into a care facility a year ago. There was no choice. Had my mom gotten her act together and been rational, I think he could have stayed at home with some professional help coming in. But she wouldn't hear of it.

I have POA so I was able to take care of placing him totally on my own. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it still pains me every day, but I know that he is safe and cared for.

Now I've got my mom to deal with, living alone and she's not doing well.

Having a front row seat to all of this has been absolutely horrible for several years now, and I know we all have a long road ahead of us because my parents are still only in their 70s. In some ways be glad you live in another state and can escape. It's ugly whether you are near or far, and it's a nasty ball of problems that mostly you can't solve anyway.
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Your poor Dad. He is not being selfish or cheap. He is exhausted, fearful, desperate and probably angry. Wouldn't you be?

If I were a man of his age dealing with your mother's issues and I'd been in that position for five years... it's just heart-breaking. Poor man. Poor mother. (((Poor you, too!)))

What Barb said, and please feel better. It's the situation that's evil, nobody is doing wrong.
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You call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a " needs assessment".

You also call Adult Protective Services and advise them that your mother is a vulnerable adult who is being neglected by a mentally ill spouse.

You send mom's doctor a typed, bullet pointed letter about what is going on. You send it return receipt so that you have proof it was received. You CC APS and your parents' lawyer, if they have one.

It's just not within your power to fix this. Professionals need to step in.
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