She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.
Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.
I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.
When she claims that there is something "wrong" with you? That's called "projection". Look it up. Shes projected her own unacknowledged mental illness onto you.
You're fine. She's a sick puppy.
You've got some really good advice here. May I just emphasize that there's no treatment for NPD, and you may be doing your own emotional and physical health a huge favor by finding an alternative living arrangement for your mom. This option doesn't mean you're a "bad" or "uncaring" daughter, it's just having someone else to do the hands-on care.
Daughters of NPD mothers (including myself) are typically emotionally enmeshed with their mothers. It's a lifelong endeavor to extricate themselves from the complicated entanglements of an NPD mother. They (the daughters) have an awful time establishing and maintaining boundaries. Low contact or no contact (the ultimate boundary) may be a viable option for you. Or not. It's worked for me.
I have got to get her house sold, and then down the line when she does this, find an ALF. She does not have dementia and trying to sell her house has been such an issue... she wants to go back there to go through things and I simply cannot do that. She clings to each item, and it would be horrible to have to be there. And I will NOT take that much time off from work. I have POA but of course since she is sound of mind (even tho it's NPD mind), I don't want to go behind her back, and am at a loss of how to do this.
I do go for rides to be alone, but usually she will send for me to bring something back. I stayed late over at a neighbor's the other evening and she accused me of trying to kill her from making her worry.
Meanwhile she is supposed to moving back to her apartment she was displaced from several months ago and she said she wouldn't be worried about me then??
His home was a hoarding mess... so had to move him into my home... set a hospital bed in my living room. and for 12 weeks we took care of him. I have a sister and a brother who would not care for our father yet didnt want him to go into a nursing home... My sisters appointed job ( she took it upon herself ) to clean their house... at the time I was working and I had to take a leave from work to care for my father... I was bitter because...
1) when I came home from the hospital after surgery my mom didnt even call on the phone to talk to me... never brought me food or came to visit me
2) My mom never cares about my feelings hers are the only ones that count
3) doesnt care that I have had three back surgeries
4) and could care less about me having to stop working... One of her friends told me basically my job was not important so I could leave it anytime and take care of my parents
5) my mom when I grew up she did nothing but yell at me.. I had to cook mowl and even go with dad to put his wheel chair in the trunk of the car at age nine....
6) when I had a broken foot... my mom told me it would be good for me to walk on it to cook suppper.
7) I broke out in hives one day during her rants and raves...
8) her and my father ruined my daughters wedding and made her cry because my daughter didnt invite my sister to her small wedding. they were nasty and I was ashamed of them both
9) I have terrible flash backs about things my mother has done.... One was to throw a box of kittens into the burn barrel. another was holding my head under the fauset in the tub...
I know its not healthy to dwell on things and did I mention I am on three meds for my mental wellness. I just have come to hate her.... more and more.... she puts on this big show for everyone and they feel sorry for her because of dads condition but they dont know the true her....
we told them both they needed to make arrangements for when my mother had to go back in the hospital... I just cant take in dad again. not only that but l never ever get a phone call from her until she is needing somthing... I keep feeling guilty about my dad and me not caring for him.... I worry about her abusing him.... she fired all the care givers I had lined up to take care of dad. and I know he is not getting the care he needs from her.... He cant bath himself but she seems to think he can and that we just spoiled him while here... but we only took care of him the proper way. sorry for being so long but needing input. they are not talking to me now because my husband told them we could not take care of dad again... i have a bad back and my husband has use of only one arm... plus i dont want to leave my job again.... help please....
She he has nowhere else and now you have nowhere.
Reclaim your cool. Be honest. Say, “Mom, this isn’t working for either of us.” Find her a place where she can attempt to be happy.
If if you have to, move to a different city.
Reclaim your home and your life.
If your father is paraplegic and you fear that your mother is emotionally abusive to him or neglectful of his needs, or even just not able to meet his needs reliably, then a nursing home is safer and better for him from *every* point of view.
Your sister and your brother need to wake up. Never mind, just for a moment, whether you can or can't manage it. It's a question of what is best for HIM.