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Mum has taken a set against my sister's husband who lives away - up till now it was a constant barrage about dad who died nearly 30 years ago - it is always derogatory and spiteful. She is 93, frail with dementia increasing - still lives at home with my sister who is still working full time, as a carer.

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My grandmother was like this. Never could say a kind word. Once she was going on a rant about what my cousin got her for Christmas...I responded with "wow what do you say about my gift when I am not around?" Shut her right down....first time ever she stopped talking.

I think we forget our elders are people too. It is ok to tell them when they have crossed a line. For some reason people are in the mind set that they can never correct an elder.
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Here is a trick I used when I use to work in a bar. Think of yourself as a duck, yes I am being serious. Your mom's words are nothing more than water. Water just flows off the duck's back. I use to tell myself I am a duck and their words are just water. Now when my mother says something negative or mean it just flows over me like water! It does take practice.

I hope this helps. Don't forget to breath.
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At 93 and with increasing dementia, it would seem like this situation will not improve. I'm sure it can be upsetting. But as JoAnn29 said, it's the dementia talking. Not that this is easy, but perhaps you can try to find a way to let it go in one ear and out the other.

Will she be distracted into other conversations? Or just the one she wants to have? Probably over and over again.

Are these conversations on the phone or in person? Just thinking maybe in person you'd be able to distract with something to look at and talk about, like a picture? Maybe that's silly, but just trying to brainstorm.
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Its the Dementia. They get stuck on something and can't let it go.
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