She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.

Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.

I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.

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She had nowhere else to go.

Really? And if you didn't exist, where would she have gone then?

There is *always* somewhere else for people to go; the trouble is they may not like it. But that's different.

Let's start again: why did your mother need to move in with you? How old is she? And what are her formally diagnosed health issues?

By the way - feel better. It is normal and reasonable to feel sick with anger, frustration and anxiety when you have been this badly stressed for this long. Hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (23)
Reply to Countrymouse

She can go on Medicaid or she can go to a women's shelter.

You said it all when you said she had no use for you, until she needed something from you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and just because you don't have children doesn't mean she can move in and take over your life.

Call the counsel of aging in your area and they can direct you to available services and aid.

Please do not let this person you call mom ruin your life, she has shown you over the last six months how it is and it will only get worse.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

I'd talk to my attorney. You may have provided her with a home for too long to kick her out without an eviction. Find out what the attorney says. It sounds like your mom is the ideal candidate for a state guardian. They will place her in a home of some sort on state assistance or with her own assets, and you can just visit her when you feel like it. You will be powerless to move her which is what you want - no amount of manipulation can enable you to move her.

It is very important that you do this with an attorney so you are not charge with abandoning an elderly person. I totally understand the hell you must be going through.
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Reply to surprise

I, too, took in my elderly mother because she had no where else to go. I became her sole caregiver for three years in my condominium. My mother passed away at the age of 87 in August, 2018. While taking care of her, I was single. Also, I didn't have children.

Those three years were difficult and mom definitely had a narcistic personality disorder. As time elapsed her mobility issues became worse and all the responsibilities became too much for me. I had no help!

After three years of being her caregiver, mom developed a UTI and had to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. During her stay there, I talked to a hospital social worker and told her that I was finding it all too much looking after mother with no help. I also needed a knee replacement and was suffering myself.

The hospital social worker helped me find a nursing home for mom and she was admitted as a patient. This was wasn't easy because she became very angry that I was not taking her home.

A few months after her admittance to the home, I had my first knee replacement at the age of 60. Second knee replacement was at age 63.

Like you, I felt used up and burned out. She was never nice to me and didn't appreciate my self-sacrifice to see that all her needs were met. She went on to live another three years at the nursing home and demanded that I bring her home-made meals because she disliked the facility food.

Before mom passed away on my birthday, she did say she loved me. I had never heard her say that to me before. A week before her death she said "I don't want to go through this!".

There will come a time when you will need to ask for help. Your sanity and health is at stake!
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to deborah1954
SicilianLady1 Apr 10, 2019
Great post, Deborah!
My heart goes out to you. Its hard enough taking care of a sweet, appreciative parent but when one is as disrespectful, rude and mean as your mother is to you, it can drive one insane.

You will be bitter, angry and resentful and it will only get worse over time. What if she lives another 20 years? Can you put your life on hold to take care of this mean selfish woman?

Please find help with your local senior service and have them direct your steps to get Mom on medicade and put her in a home. I know you will be frightened to do this, you will be abused and accused of abandoning her and many other things. You will guilty I am sure, but no one should have to live with this type of treatment. Saying prayers for you.
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Reply to smilingtulip

I think you already know the answer to your question. Find another living situation for her. It’s not worth your sanity and you’ve self-identified as not being able to provide this type of care. You ARE NOT ALONE. I think some of us feel guilt because we played into the “Don’t EVER put me in one of ‘those’ places” promises with a parent. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Caring for someone with dementia isn’t a cakewalk. In the meantime, please try not to lose patience with her. Remember, it’s not your mom acting out, it’s the dementia. You are only getting mad at YOURSELF when you get angry. Good luck to you.
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Reply to Ghuhtamaki
susumaty1950 Apr 7, 2019
Thank you!
Here is a general answer to all of the posts.  My heart is breaking for the sorrow these adult children are having to go through. As someone who has taken care of a maternal grandmother, mother and father until their deaths, believe this: No matter what you do, the parents whom you describe will never think that what you have done and are doing is enough. Many parent think that their children are their "property" and think that the children owe the parents for giving them "life".  I think differently. I know that those of us who are in our '60's and 70's were not the result of our parents wanting to give us life. We are the result of what is medically referred to now as "unprotected sex". If our parents had tried to abort us, they would have faced criminal charges. Just giving birth to a child does not make a woman a mother or a man a father.  It is how they nurture the innocent child who didn't ask to be born.  It does not give the woman or the man the right to bully, threaten, physically or emotionally scar their children. 

I know of young women whose fathers had abandoned  them and their mothers.  But when these young women are ready to marry, they say "I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle"!  They want to "dream" that their fathers who never even sent child support ,really loved them.
Al of us have been brainwashed to think that we are responsible for our parents even though I understand that the law says no adult is responsible for another adult.
A stepmother who beats her adopted children is not a mother and I don't think needs to be treated as a loving mother. I believe that the Bible says to "honor thy father and thy mother", not to obey them  and in biblical times, I doubt if most parents even made it to age 50 or 60 so there was no dementia issues to even consider. 

For the record, I took care of my maternal grandmother, and both of my parents until they died and it was an honor. But they never raised their voices to me.  My mother who was an only child, wasn't emotionally able to care for her own mother (my grandmother). I was the only daughter in an Italian family so I stepped up.  It cost me dearly in emotional health because I was doing it while coping with OCD, Clinical Depression and Adult ADD. but my mother did tell me about 5 years before she died at age 93 that she didn't want me to give up my life for her. It was a little late since I was already in my '60's but I'm glad that she said it.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to SicilianLady1
Psalms23 Apr 7, 2019
My, my. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I identify with your perspective and am fighting desperately not to get stuck in the depression hole. Some people never bounce back to carry on with their lives.
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Do whatever you need to do to get her out of your house. She will destroy you as mine destroyed me. I am still shocked I didn't die before she did, because God knows she tried. I am sorry to be so cruel but you have GOT to take care of yourself. She will taje everything from you and throw you under the bus.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to ChiGirl68
Myownlife Apr 9, 2019
You know, the awful thing is, for years and years, I have always felt like I would be dragged down and have to die with my mother (or before) for her to "go". There is about 30 years difference in ages with us, and I want to live, but sometimes, sometimes, I feel like I am being sucked down into quicksand with her and won't be able to get out and live. I know it sounds awful, at least to anyone who does not understand NPD, but although I love my mother dearly, I am so looking forward to one day her being gone, and "my time will begin".....
I think you should move your mother out of your home asap. She hasn't loved you, treated you well or appreciated you. Don't abandon yourself by letting her suck the life out of you. She's damaged you enough. You owe her nothing. It's time to protect yourself. If she's so great she should have people standing in line to take care of her.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Davina
cherokeegrrl54 Apr 14, 2019
Awesome answer Davina! Direct and to the point!! 💕
I feel compelled to quote a former colleague who supervised Mental Health Technology students in their practicums. She told me she always knew when one of her students was dealing with a client with Borderline Personality, because of how frustrated the students were. Dementia is difficult enough, add in Borderline Personality, and all I can say is YIKES! I heartily agree with everyone who has advised you to find alternate care for mom, and save your sanity!
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Reply to shedwells

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