My aging parent is dying. Help with telling siblings?

Oh my, that's a tough spot to be in. I had something similar happen to me recently in that a dear friend confided in me about his illness and surgery asking that I not share it with anyone else. (We shared close personal friends.) It was hard, but, I honored his request. As it turns out, after he died, we shared stories and he had told all of us something, just not how dire it was. But, I am glad I honored his wishes. I'd do the same for my parent if they were competent. It's really their decision to make.

I am sorry that you are in this circumstance. As you have said, your parent has given you clear instructions. Do you have a relationship with your siblings greater than the one you described your parent having?

Regardless this isn’t your decision. Don’t assume more responsibility than you have. You have quite a lot already.

The calls will most likely be harder on you than them although they may be shocked at the news. Do you call them often? If not, they will probably know when they see your number.

I can tell you that for me when both parents were gone, siblings became even more precious. Write out what you want to say. Date, time, any plans for a service if that isn’t known when you call or just leave it open. Are the other two siblings close? The first you call might offer to call the second one.

I would ask my parent to do me the courtesy of leaving a will. If that has been taken care of then the will should speak for the parent and cause you a lot less distress dealing with whatever comes next from the siblings.

Since the parent is of sound mind then those details should be easy enough to deal with.

Have you discussed hospice? Will that be at home or in a facility?

You matter to. You will be presumably living in the neighborhood and be receiving condolences. I would plan my responses accordingly. “The condition was advanced. There was a wish for privacy”. Something to ease the situation and move along and keep you from having to explain over and over. I think sometimes people were closer friends though life but in the end lose the connection. But please do find someone you can trust and are able to discuss these events with.
Many of us have been where you are in the realization that we are in the final days of a parents life and posters do find it comforting to come here for support and hugs. We care. Let us know how it goes.

If your parent does not have Hospice now..This is the time to call and get them into the house.
Not only will they help you and your parent the Social Worker might be a good place to start in trying to build or re-build this bridge.
The Social Worker might be able to help your parent see that it would be a good idea to inform family and friends at this time.
But that said if this is their wish and they are aware of the decision they are making then that is one that you should abide by. Although it would break my heart to be in your position.
((hugs))

That's a good idea about Hospice. I can't say enough good things. The social worker was wonderful. She helped me so much, even when I didn't realize it.

I like the idea of hospice, also. They often help to bring some kind of peace. However, it does sound to me that the parent does know his or her own wishes. The decision is not yours. The decision belongs to the person involved. You will, of course, have to make the calls. If the question is asked as to why you did not call no matter WHAT the parent wished you simply say that it was very difficult, that you sought counsel, but that in the end you felt you had no choice but to honor the wishes of the parent involved. They don't speak to you NOW and they don't speak to the parent NOW so exactly WHAT would be changed? Nothing whatsoever. I am not over-much a believer in "blood will out". To me our genetic background is a complete accident of fate; a good one for me. And not so good for many others. I am very sorry that this amount of anger still lodges in the heart of one in the last stages of life; on the other hand I completely COMPLETELY understand the wish not to have descending upon me in death those who did not care for me in life, and who now seek their own redemption at my own expense. Dying is a very private thing. Often the dying separate even from those they are very attached to. It is where the old expression, from medieval times on "he turned his face to the wall" comes from. Patients, when I was a nurse, often literally did this. It was devastating to their families waiting for those magical last words. I cannot tell you how often I had to explain to them that the person was already seperating themselves from this life, already moving away from them. I came in the end to believe that death is the last great "trip", "adventure" we make. I do not fear death at all. I DO fear suffering, both physical and mental. Sorry you are having to go through this and feel the burden of it. I advise you set this particular luggage down; undoubtedly you have lugged it about long enough.

I am sorry you have to deal with this but I understand your father's wishes. As you have carried out your father's wishes so far, can you discuss this with him and how he feels you should approach the issue as the time is going to come when you have to. Tell him that if he has no preference you will inform them now so that they have a choice of coming to visit him. - You cannot be right you can only attempt to limit how wrong you are going to be to someone. Hugs xx

I am sorry for what you are going through ,maybe I'm wrong but knowing myself what I would do is exact opposite of what my parent said & get the others up to date they need to make amends as well as your parent needs to make ammends,Family drama usually only runs skin deep!!

It can go both ways, but they should have the option of seeing parent before they pass. They may decline.
Can yo do a conference call somehow. Or, text them. I am sorry I am busy with mom, and this is the easiest. Will mom be willing to say hi over the phone?

Bless you for honouring your fathers wishes, never easy when one has knowledge that others don’t.

When you have to make those calls to say he has passed on and they ask what the cause was, say it was end stage 4 lung cancer which was untreatable. If they ask if you were aware you can say yes and explain since your father did not know how long he had he just wanted to quietly enjoy what time was left rather than deal with reactions to the news.

If they continue to pressurise that you should have informed them, you can state that you empathised with his predicament, honoured his wishes yet continued to check in case he changed his view regarding his family being informed in the hope that he would agree .

Should they be selfish enough to continue - point out he was in full control of his mental faculties and wished to avoid any distress at that time, and even though it placed you in an awkward predicament you complied with his last wishes.

I hope that your father may change his mind and give the rest of your family a chance to meet, laugh at memories, cry a little, forgive, forget and become closer as a result

Maybe your parent would be willing to have you video a message to those children explaining his/her decision to be shown to them after he passes? This would deflect any anger and blame off of you and it may be somewhat satisfying for them to see the parent talking directly to them and see the condition he/she was in. It may bring understanding and closure. It would need to be a comforting message, not a nasty one...so sorry for your predicament.

I agree with the video message.

You will have others express anger, it's part of the grieving process. Realize it is not against you, but against the situation.

Calmly tell others, when he/she has passed, that this was your parent's wishes and his/her business. You are honoring that trust.

Is there any way that your dad could videotape a message to your siblings or write a letter for them to read after he has passed?

I would hate for you to get blamed by them. People can be awful after a family member dies and it wouldn’t be fair to you to be accused of “keeping dad to yourself” when they didn’t know that your dad forbid you to say anything.

Keeping you in my thoughts. ❤️

I find it odd you would want to conceal terminal illness from your brothers unless there were estrangements or whatever...but..In my opinion, I would tell my brothers. But also let them know it was against their father's wishes that you know this. Still, I would tell them. They have a right to know because it is their parent; death is forever and at that time it will be too late. There is no right or wrong way to deliver bad news -- just do it.

If your siblings were not related to the person dying of cancer, I would absolutely conceal it. But to his own children--your siblings..I'd tell them. Don't you think they have a right to know? What if it were you that was concealed that information and he up and died knowing one of your siblings decided to keep quiet about it. Do you honestly believe that is fair?

Since you're checking with your parent about the decision, I think you should honor your parent's  wishes.  You could ask about making a video or writing the siblings a letter that you could give after your parent dies.  But, that is your parent's decision.  My basis for saying this is I have two brothers who chose over 16+ years ago to walk away from my parents.  My mother died last October and I'm taking care of my 83 year old Dad.  Both of my parents were/are adamant that I not contact my brothers about their health and/or death.  This was to keep my parents stress level down and in my parents minds - they did not walk away, my brothers did. Will I have to deal with fallout when my Dad dies - yeah, but I will be ok knowing I have honored my parents wishes.  Do I miss my brothers during all of this - most definitely - but it's not my job to "fix" their issues with our parents.  Please just treasure this time with your parent - make memories, talk, hug and when that day arrives, take care of yourself and don't let your siblings tell you "What you should have done".   Hugs

Why would you keep this a secret.? I would tell them....let them decide what they want to do.

I am in a similar predicament but with a sibling. I finally cleared telling his son but that’s it. He does or doesn’t want other siblings to know, I say it like that because I only know he told me he wasn’t sharing but I’ve found out he has selectively. Either way it’s his story to tell not mine & if the excluded ones get angry I hope they remember they had his address & his number for years. After caregiving mom I’m estranged from 1 myself so I won’t need to deal with that one anyway. A letter from your father may help ease things on you if you care to continue a relationship with them.

There is also a history of the relationship between parent and siblings to be considered when approaching this matter - those of us reading this have no way of understanding that part.

Did your parent tell you not to share the info about the cancer or about his/her health in general? If it was specific to terminal cancer, then just don't mention that. I would let them know the health appears to be failing in a more rapid manner than previously. Let them decide if they visit or not.

You never really know how a visit could go. Perhaps both sides will take the opportunity to forgive each other. Maybe not, but at least they had the chance.

Tough spot to be in - parent may leave this world wanting them to come just because they want to come (not because of guilt or illness). Child may lose a parent without having the chance to say goodbye. Often the problems with separation were blown way out of proportion and two hard-heads are both waiting on the apology or olive branch.

I think you have been handed an appalling burden. I am sorry that you have. I think you are behaving absolutely correctly, I'm just sorry that you will also be left dealing with the rubble afterwards. It seems very unfair.

Having said that, you can't very well pick this moment to argue it out with your dying parent and hope to correct such a supremely self-centred point of view. Of course not.

So, when the day dawns, you will have to follow through by holding tight to your parent's wish and rejecting any blame for it. This is your parent's decision, you are carrying it out, the rest of it is nothing to do with you. It is between the parent and the adult children. You have no authority, so you can have no responsibility.

The only other thing I can think of is calling on a pastor or religious counsellor to listen to your parent and, perhaps, advise a change of heart. It isn't a matter of the children assuaging their consciences; it's a matter of excising the vindictiveness that your parent seems bent on carrying to the grave, and hoping that will benefit the parent.

In my family, we dont tell each other things about other family members.

We call the family member that we are not telling anything to and day "call dad", or " call your sister".

If asked why, we say, "just do it".

We call back a week later and check if they've called. If they haven't, well, we tried.

It's worked for 3 generations. It's dysfunctional, but it works out.

Just yesterday, my brother texted me and told me to call my cousin, without further elaboration. Her brother had committed suicide the day before.

It's not very fair to you, is it? Perhaps you can tell your parents that they either need to tell your siblings or you will. Have a counselor help you talk with your parents about this. You shouldn't have to carry the burden and receive the fallout when they get mad and are gone.

Its your loved ones dying wish. You are doing the right thing.

Based on what you shared about the family, I wouldn't worry about it. Since they have chosen to limit contact they apparently don't care about the loved ones wellbeing like you do. Thats ok. To each their own. Once your loved one is gone, you will know in your heart you have done the right thing. Let the others deal with their own grief and guilt. Not for you to worry about. If they say anything simply state "If you had stayed in touch frequently, you might have known." You have enough to deal with, right?!
Enjoy the time left with your loved one and let them stew in their own juices if they even feel the need to.

Hugs dear one.

I haven't read any responses, but I think that your loved one needs to be told that your siblings need to be told so that they can have the opportunity to make things right. I think that denying people the opportunity to say sorry, I love you or whatever is a cruel selfish, hateful act. Tell your loved one that I say so.

My sister did that crap and I saw hearts broken that could have been mended and supported her through death, now there is no chance to say goodbye. Terrible, nasty thing to do, regardless of what has happened in the past.

It is no one’s business what is happening to a person, if that person stated they didn’t want anyone to be told. It’s called privacy, in this world of social media and everyone putting their life out in the street, people have forgotten about boundaries and privacy.

When the passing happens, all you need to say is the person passed. It’s no one’s business how someone died unless you want to give out the information.

No one needs to feel guilty, you have no control over sickness, death or not passing on private info about illness.

It’s always the person’s wishes. Maybe your parent didn’t like fake pity and sadness, which runs rampant in society. In addition, having people crying, stressed out, and trying to release their own guilty feelings is stressful to the person dying. I think this is wrong on so many levels. It then comes down to the living wanting to make themselves better and ignoring the dying person and the death process. The dying person should die in peace and comfort.

You are being put in the middle which disrespects you.

Maybe the parent feels the others dont care and their death will "hit them hard" in remorse. Whatever their reason, if you are the one who has to break the news to the siblings then it is a burden put on you.
You have freedom not to play the game.
I like the suggestion someone said . Call the siblings and say"just call him" no explanation.
If you think the siblings knowing wouldn't bring them over spilling the beans and throwing you under the bus, if they can some and be respectful to keep the secret you told them dad was dying, then tell them.
If they would tell dad you told them, then just give them a chance to call dad without any explanation.
How will they react after he dies, will they badger you that they didn't know? Whatever protects you best from the "living" do it

Counselor perspective, based upon what the OP wrote......Placing you in that awkward position, is a manipulative tactic, that illustrates your parent likely had a completely different dynamic with your siblings.

Statistically speaking they likely experienced psychological abuse of which you did not experience to the degree being currently manipulated.

Being told that it's none of your business,is a common tactic of an abusive parent who has elected in this case: to manipulate one golden-child and two scapegoats.

BTW--It became "your business," when that parent requested you join into the abuse by withholding end-of-life information. That's termed abuse by proxy. How would you react if you were one of the scapegoated siblings??

Based on having seen how this unfolds, multiple times...TELL your siblings, email text etc., Otherwise, beyond your parent's death, you will be accountable, by being blamed for withholding that information. Your parent is deliberately creating a post-death conflict. Contact your siblings NOW.

You have hindsight right now...If you had told your siblings then it would have provided them time to logically reconcile, to the best of that dying parent's and your sibling's capabilities.

How many people are withholding information beyond you??? Are you the only family member who knows about the parent's health?? Does that parent have friends? Anyone else who might need to know?

Gosh, that's terrible for your parent to have put you in that position! (I'm hoping that parent's request was in writing), cuz otherwise they have to take your word for it too. Otherwise, just tell them now, (if it gives you peace). Pray, then do what gives you the most rest. ☝

Your parent has put you in a seemingly impossible position. The way I see it is that you're going to have to tell your siblings about the EOL. Good gosh - what if your parent passes and they come at you in an angry tone? Your parent won't be around and you'll be left to deal with the acrimony.

What purpose would it serve to tell them now. Several months have gone by and they knew their father was and had been sick and I don't think it's your place to heal things. Honor what he says now and afterwards turn your phone off for your peace of mind and healing.
You are the strong one here. Some call this putting you in a difficult situation but this isn't the first time you've been on his side. Do the best you can, that's all you can do and he knows it. And some would say what if you were the sibling with information withheld, you would know why and so do they.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

If I wanted to honor that parent’s wishes, I guess when the parent passes, I would call the siblings and start out with “I have some very sad news. Mom (or Dad) just passed away. She (he) was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer but she(he) didn’t want anyone to know she(he) was sick.” That would seem to cover all bases, except for the final arrangements. Then you’re stuck dealing with all their emotions.
I am sure that it is a terrible burden to have to carry.
Then again, if it were me (I?) in the situation, I would tell my sisters, because, imo, this is something I absolutely believe that they should know while Mom or Dad is still alive. Not every parental request is reasonable or fair to you.

Can you ask your parent how they wish these people to be told - it may not be something you would feel acceptable to follow but perhaps you can use it as a starting point. Alternatively what capability does your parent have? can they dictate a note for you to write and them to sign explaining their original decision.
Without either of the above I can appreciate how very difficult you must be finding this - perhaps (and I don't know if this would be suitable) you could phone them and say the position as if the diagnosis were recent? All seems a little devious but I cannot see what you can do that fits your parents wishes and the obvious need to tell them at some point - after your parent passes????? if this will keep their wishes best. Hugs and thoughts with you xx