My aged mother insists that there are in effect "two of me." I have a "doppelganger." Any advice?

Lately she has come up with the notion that we do not live here--in a mobile home we moved into 31 years ago. She asks me now and then to "take me home." I tell her we ARE home, to no avail. The house we moved out of, which was a few miles from here, was torn down years ago. Any ideas?

What I want to do is keep her from being violent, and from harming herself, or me, or anyone else...and do what seems best, following the doctor's advice, ... I have been in touch with her sister, and my own sister and a brother to get advice and help to do what seems best under the circumstances.

Doggie, you know, it's not so much about each specific situation. It's more like, wrapping YOUR head around the fact that her brain is broken, and that she can't make sense of the world anymore. So she tries to fit her reality into a box that makes what she sees more understandable.

Using facts and logic and evidence aren't going to make a shred of difference to her.

Thanks...I'll have to look through those videos for one that will help with this specific situation...

Dougie, I'm so sorry that you are finding caring for your mom so difficult! Dementia can be so frustrating!

Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos? She has some great techniques for dealing with the illogical thought processes of dementia patients.

Things got somewhat worse earlier today. A few times in the last few weeks she has asked me to "take her home." We have been living here since 1987. In fact, the house we moved out of, to move here, was torn down years ago. I have had no more luck convincing her that we live here than with the Doppelganger notion (and, like that notion, this comes and goes); but what makes this worse is that she got agitated about it, and first flung something (cloth) at me; then she flung her (aluminum) cane down; and she wanted me to call the police, which I refused to do; and she even asked me if I had a gun so I could shoot her! About two weeks ago she was at her doctor's office and he mentioned a possible stay in a mental hospital...

Dougie; dealing with someone with dementia is extremely challenging. Giving them facts that contradict their reality is going to end badly.

"When you say "here" mom, tell me what you mean?"

Dougie, let me tell you a story. Years ago, my 18 month old daughter, who was very precocious of speech said to me "when I grow up, I want to have a penooter, just like Daddy's". I panicked, thinking she was asking about anatonical gender differences, and I hadn't gotten to that chapter of the parenting book yet!

My own mom was famous for making asuumptions about what we were asking about and so I slowed down and asked "Adina, when you say Penooter, what do you mean?"

"That things what's downstairs with all the buttons" (A computer!!!!! that's what she meant! Yaay).

Yes, dear child, you may have a COMPUTER just like Daddy's when you grown up (and indeed she does and followed him into his field of IT security).

Ask questions. Find out what she's thinking. Try hard not the be the enemy Dougie.

She has come up with a new wrinkle. She demanded to know "what group brought me here." (We have been living at this place for 30 years; when I informed her of this fact she said "Not true!" ) She said she would 'report me to the local newspaper,' an empty threat because she is too hard of hearing to use the telephone, and doesn't get around easily.

How annoying! Dougiemonty1, I think that her memory is extremely bad. Unless she has always been like this, I think you can assume that she can't help it.

I wanted to get some groceries; Mom said she did not feel well enough to go to the store with me. I suggested I go alone, and buy groceries; bring them home and show her the register receipt and she would give me a check. From what I could see, she agreed. But when I got the groceries home and showed her the receipt, she did nothing. I protested, reminding her of her agreenent; she just gave me double-talk. She can't use the dodge of claiming she can't afford it; she is in a much better condition financially. I feel insulted; either her memory is extremely bad or she is taking advantage of me.

Bless your heart, Dougiemonty1.
I have never had to go through what you're dealing with but I can sympathize with you. It certainly hasn't been easy for you - at all.

God will understand, whatever you need to do - do it to save your sanity.
I am praying for you. Heck, I pray for my own sanity every night.

You shouldn't have to deal with all this. You didn't ask to be born and we don't get to pick our parents.

Huggers,
linda

Once again the purse is missing. She has been asleep most of the time, in the living room; I have slipped into the bedroom furtively for casual searches. No luck. This morning she said it is missing. I asked, "Where did you put it yesterday?" because I saw it yesterday morning, at a familiar location in her room. No longer. I sense she tends to put it in a secure location, forget about it, and then blame me when she cannot locate it.

Actually, I should have anticipate this years ago.
I myself had been going to a psychiatrist--a rather crusty, outspoken one. He wanted to interview my Mom, who was not suffering from any afflictions of advanced age at the time. She agreed, and attended a one-on-one session with him. He later told me she was "narcissistic." The fact that she is hard of hearing complicates matters but I got a small dry-erase board and markers to write out messages to her...right now that's handy, since I have a bad cold and speaking loudly starts me in a coughing fit.

"mom, I'm so sorry that your purse is missing; may I help you look?".

"mom, I'm so very sorry that you think I've taken your money; it must hurt you to think that you can't trust me. I'm so sorry that you feel that way"... in other words, validate the FEELING. Don't debate the facts; her brain can't wrap itself around facts or reasoning any more. If her purse/money/whatever is gone, it's because someone took it. You are there, ergo YOU must have taken it.

You need to enter her reality and not dispute it.

Dougie, are you saying that mom is resisting going to the doctor? Can you tell her a therapeutic fib, that she's required to see her doctor because of a recent change in Medicare law?
Have you had a chance to watch any Teepa Snow videos on helping dementia patients?

Another wrinkle: Mom has twice, in recent months, said her purse is missing. With a strong suspicion that I took it. In both cases she was searching frantically for it, and I searched in a calmer matter. Both times it turned out to be concealed in a rather amateurish manner in the living room, under a blanket on a footstool or behind a throw pillow on a couch. She was not grateful at all when I found it--just walked off in a huff with it. Assumed that I had taken something from it--for a while.

Sending hopes and prayers your way. Your post rings true with my situation. My mum turned difficult and angry after my father’s passing and is treating me and my husband so condescending so insulting and hurtful. I really don’t anything more to do with her if this continues.

I was discussing this with my own doctor today. He told me that the test for Alzheimer's are even more difficult than I thought--they tend to be something like fifty percent accurate. No matter; my mother's behavior is a problem whatever the diagnosis and I don't know how long she can continue this way.

I was in the large courthouse in Los Angeles on other business. A small booth announces sort of a "workshop" on Mondays about conservatorship. My mother is very likely to need some sort of supervision because of her condition and attitude, more that I can handle with my lack of financial wherewithal. She has started to show signs of respiratory difficulty--the very beginning--and, given her past experience (refusing to take prescription medication, specifically), I wonder what I will have to do to convince her that at least a medical checkup is in order. Considering her often condescending treatment of me of late, I am facing an uphill battle.

It's especially hard to be pragmatic and logical with dementia. Probably doesn't remember what she was wearing. You end up having to track their stuff as well as your own.

How completely frustrating! Douglas, I think it is the poor dementia brain, trying its best but just not able to make sense of things anymore, like rational suggestions. You sound like such a kind son. She is lucky to have you!

Money issue, part 2: She has the money, but counted it 3 times and came up one bill short ($100 bills) each time. She even invited ME to count it, and I got the same result. Personally, I think it wound up in her purse, but she insists she has searched it thoroughly. And she ignored my question: Why not check the clothes you wore when you got the money?

Lots of good suggestions here. We are going through this, too. My father keeps wondering why the person in the picture frame never visits him and he doesn't believe it's me even though he knows we both have the same name, so I have hidden the picture away and replaced it with a picture of my sister. That's easier to explain. They try so hard to understand but the connections just aren't there to make sense of things. Keep it simple and reassuring and take all the necessary precautions to keep her from hurting herself (disable stove, take over money mgmt, don't let her wander or drive, etc.) Try to keep a sense of humor between you. Learn as much as you can.

By "sleep disturbance" I mean she has had difficulty staying asleep at night--same as I have. I have had it since I was a kid. She may have had it since before I was born, for all I know.

I like RayLin's suggestion, blame the other Douglas for anything she doesn't like!

Dougiemonty1, what is your Mom's sleep disturbance like? Does she move about, as if she if acting out a dream? Legs running, arms punching, etc? Are the dreams always along the lines of an animal or bad guy chasing her?

Just say you are the other Douglas - or you can say, he's out doing the grocery shopping.

Sometimes it's worse to argue with them. My DH swears he has 3 wives and we're all named Linda. I asked him, then why aren't the other 2 helping?

You'll make yourself crazy over this - not worth it - just show her some "birthmark" to explain you're the other Douglas. It doesn't need to be anything special - a freckle or a mole will do.

The flip-side is you can blame all the bad things on "other Douglas" and sympathize with her as you being the better Douglas who is caring for her.

Good Luck Douglas, I know it gets difficult.

Oh Dougie, all of what you describe is typical dementia behavior. Safety and security are your new words of the day. How to keep mom from blowing us up or burning us down, how to keep her from hiding money where it can be thrown out or giving it away to Douglas.

If she is cold, maybe finding a nice little space heater that shuts off when tipped or covered when on. This could keep her in her bed at night all snuggly and warm.

I had sleep issues for years, turned out that a 400mg Magnesium citrate (never oxide, this is hard for our bodies to absorb) nightly and I sleep like a baby, except I don't wet.😁

Money, maybe it's time to take debit cards, CC, checks or anything else that allows her to get a hold of the money away from her, I have to have a monthly meeting about money with my dad and it is really hard to be accused of taking his money, ugh, part of the disease.

Good luck on finding the solutions that work best for you and mom. It gets worse as it progresses so start now getting a team lined up to help you and mom, it is NOT a one man job, no matter how tough we are. It can be lonely, frustrating, heartbreaking and exhausting (to name a few). Locate and start using local resources, as it progresses change gets harder for your LO. (loved one)

Dougie,
Your mom probably has some form of dementia. You need to educate yourself on what dementia is, the symptoms and how it will progress.

She will become more and more confused. She needs an evaluation from her doctor now, then an evaluation from a geriatric neurologist.
You will need to be more and more observant of her behavior. The stove is just one example. She may begin wandering during the night and doing other dangerous and strange behaviors.

Now would be a good time to become her Power of Attorney (POA) for health and financial, if you aren't already. Tell her, in case she can't speak for herself, she needs to give you the power to speak for her. You should also get her to put you on her bank accounts as co-owner. You will need to do her banking in the future.

This is a long hard road. You need all the information you can get. Then you need to get things set up to make it easier to care for your mom.

She withdrew a large amount of money recently from a credit union account, to deposit it in her bank. Yesterday she said it was gone. I happened to locate it and she accused me of stealing it. She later calmed down...this is not the first time she has made such a wild accusation.

She has recently agreed to have repairs made to the stove top--long story. I will ask the repairman to urge her NOT to use the burners as room heaters. I can set the room thermostat to obviate her supposed need to used the stove top. But if push comes to shove...