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My Mom is still living at-home and I am trying to get her help and into a care facility. The worst part of this is the cruel verbal abuse that comes on so quickly and she seems to do it mostly to the people that care for her and love her the most. I was also told that this type of behavior is part of her normal behavior (before AL) and that she could control the mean but now she just let's fly, last week with the home care aide my mom brought up childhood traumas (on me) and she laughed. I try to keep in mind that she is not her normal self but this is brutal, we are going to speak to her Dr. and try to get her on some meds to try and take the edge off of her mood/temper, any suggestions and is there a chance of violence?

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Thanks so much for your answers ,ideas, and kind words ,it really does help just to know that others have gone thru or are also going thru similar things, my Dad also had AZ but he never did this sort of thing, he would get confused and aggressive but not violent if that makes any sense ,Mom would call us to reset his buttons,we would explain who Mom was or something similar and everything would be fine, Mom is totally different!

Mom is progressing very fast ,she has hallucinations, and she says that she wakes up and her Dr. is standing beside the bed ,she thinks he is very handsome, but he comes over a bit too often lately and he moved next door ,she is also very paranoid, either someone is stealing from her or breaking in to her house ,but house alarm doesn't go off ,
She set off her house alarm and she won't turn it off, the alarm company called her to see if she was alright she said yes ,but she kept turning the alarm on and leaving it go, the police checked on her , she received a 50. fine ,but she went to police station and screamed and cried until they ripped it up

I am trying to get her into a care facility, but because she is having trouble taking her own meds she can't go into assisted living , I am taking her to see a seniors psychiatrist at the end of the month and hopefully we can get her on the right meds and get the temper and aggressive behavior under control

Thank you for your replies !!
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It is so very hard to cope with this behavior. As my mother’s dementia progressed she too said so many mean and hurtful things to my brother and I. So many times I just looked at her and had to say “wow, who is this person?” My mother rarely cursed and here was this 5’2” 110lb woman who sounded like a drunken sailor. These episodes often were prompted when she couldn’t get her way.
I do remember once prior to her NH admission I had driven 4 hrs to see her and once there she said so many mean things to me I just got back in my car and drove 4 hours home. That was my fault in not recognizing the progression of her disease as this was pretty early on.
Try not to take these outbursts seriously-as stated, her mind is broken. Do what you can to diffuse the situation but realize you may not always be able to do so and work on developing your own skill set to deal with this as they probably won’t improve.
I can think of a few horrible episodes with my mother and still, 5 years later, they send a shudder through me.
I am so sorry you are going through this as I know how disheartening it is. Dementia is a horrible disease.
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It's really hurtful when they turn on the verbal abuse and manipulation. When my mother does it to me, I try to remember that she's not the same mother anymore. With brain atrophy, our parents lose their mental filter and say things that cut to the heart.

I both sympathize and empathize with your situation. I know personally the pain that mother causes when she turns all her wrath on you. During some of my darkest times, just posting a question on this forum is immensely helpful because you can speak your feelings to people who understand.
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I have some experience with the "outbursts" of anger that seem to come out of nowhere. Not your fault, but they still hurt, don't they? Your mom needs to have a psych eval and see what kinds of meds may help her not to lash out. Remember that her brain is "broken" to a degree and the filter that keeps her from saying weird, mean things just gets lost in the fog of the "broken" brain. As much as I want to say don't take her comments personally, it's very hurtful and embarrassing to have your own mother saying mean things to you.

Just keep repeating to yourself "This isn't about me, this is about her".
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My 89-year old father just went into a nursing home last week. Supposedly he is there to be 'stabilized' because he has a history of alcoholism and he also has been taking excessive amounts of OTC meds. Even though I lived with him, he was driving up until recently and I could not control what he purchased or how much of them he would take. He also was frequently verbally abusive if he couldn't get what he wanted, when he wanted it and he always wanted something-was never satisfied. I think that he has a severe form of obsessive compulsive disorder besides the dementia, and has also always been a narcissist. He has always had mental health issues but the dementia has made it all much worse. As you mentioned, I think that some people have been like that all along but when they get dementia they lose their 'filter' and just say anything that pops into their heads no matter how cruel or inappropriate it is.

I am hoping that my father can get into an inpatient geriatric psych unit and they can figure out the best meds for him. Then they should be better able to find a facility that can handle him. I was told that he had been very rude and disruptive at the nursing home to the staff and other residents so he definitely needs medication. While he was still at home I just had to avoid him as much as possible but it was horrible because I felt like a prisoner in hiding. He also has insomnia and was in and out of bed around the clock so I couldn't plan anything around his sleep schedule.
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