My aged mother insists that there are in effect "two of me." I have a "doppelganger." Any advice?

It sounds like your mom has some form and level of dementia, which means her brain is broken. You can argue all you want but it won't change her belief, no matter how wild it is. Start reading on this site about dementia. Watch Teepa Snow videos on Youtube. Your mom can't help her faulty reasoning. Her brain is broken. So just go with the flow, don't "deny her notion" and learn how to therapeutically fib to her. If you search on this site, you'll see lots of posts about how to deal with an elder with dementia. Your mom can't help herself. As long as she's letting you help her, I don't think you need a guardianship. Is she generally ok with your help for her? Are you her Power of Attorney (POA) for health?

Douglas, look up capgras syndrome on the internet. The phenomenon is common enough to have a name! There are many sound articles on medical sites.

What to do with capgras? The first thing is to get a medical evaluation for Mom. That may start with her PCP and may progress to a behavioral neurologist. As far as Mom is concerned this is just a routine check-up required by her insurance. Give the doctor a short write-up of your concerns. She is not likely to tell him she thinks she has duplicate sons.

While you await a medical opinion, I can tell you this for sure: You will NOT succeed in reasoning, persuading, or convincing her that you do not have a twin. Something in Mom's brain is broken, and words, logic, and reasoning is not going to fix it.

Where is my son Douglas?
He is out of town for a week.

I want to talk to my son Douglas right now!
He is on a hiking tour. I just tried to call him, but he must be in a zone with no phone reception. I'll try again later. Is there something I can help you with in the meantime?

Stop asking for proof or showing proof or using reason to try to fix this. Ain't gonna happen.

Conservatorship? What other symptoms of impaired reasoning has she shown? I think I'd wait for a medical assessment. Do you have Power of Attorney for her (both financial and medical)? That would be a good starting place.

Capgras is often associated with dementia. It also can be present in Schizophrenia, brain injury, and epilepsy. Best to have a medical evaluation.

By the way, does your mother have sleep disturbances? Has she lost her sense of smell? Does she have other delusions beside the duplicate sons? Does she see or hear things that aren't there? How is her memory?

She had gone on a crying jag about three months ago--so severe I had her taken to a hospital ER. They ran a series of tests on her, including an MRI. The doctor diagnosed her with "unspecified dementia" (her own doctor has since told me that Alzheimers requires specialized, more intensive tests). The ER doctor also told me her brain is smaller--I don't know how much bearing that has on its capacity or function. A psychiatrist she was referred to prescribed some medications, but she has hardly touched the pills--I have counted them. I already write out her checks because her hands shake so much (she even had a signature stamp made by the bank) but I don't know whether I can even achieve Power of Attorney under present conditions...

She has short-term memory problems: We go to the supermarket. The cashier will give her the register receipt. Later Mom will ask me for it and I say she has it. She gets angry and says I'm lying. So the last several times I have asked the cashier to give me the tape. Also, she has had sleep problems--for many years. So have I, in fact.

Dougiemonty1, my husband was well into dementia when he signed my POA. The lawyer went over it with him then asked him what it meant. "It means that if I can't make decisions, Jeanne can make them for me." Whew! He was having bouts of paranoia at the time and I wasn't sure if he'd trust me. The lawyer said if he was "having a bad day" she'd come back and try again. But it only took one try. To sign a POA all your mother has to do is demonstrate that she understands what she is signing. It doesn't matter that she thinks you are a twin or that she has crying jags.

Have you scheduled follow-up testing?

After you've looked up cabgras, I suggest you visit the Lewy Body Dementia Association website (LBDA.org) as that type of dementia includes cabgras more frequently than most. On the other hand, I don't think that LBD involves shrinkage of the brain.

This is subject matter for the experts.

Dougiemonty1 - I was told the same thing after my mom had a MRI - that her brain had shrunk. What the doctor didn’t say was that this is dementia. This was at a point when I knew so little about dementia- in fact it wasn’t even on my radar. I just thought mom was going through typical old age decline. My whole knowledge base of dementia was practically non-existent.

Not long after that my mom started having other bizarre symptoms and I found my way here looking for answers.

I wish I had known then what I know now.

Start educating yourself on dementia. Capgras Syndrome is frequently present with Lewy Bodies Dementia- you might start there. Lewy Bodies is second to Alzheimer’s in occurance.

However- putting a specific name to your mothers dementia isn’t as important as getting educated on the basics of dementia in general.

I will give you a tip. It’s what I’ve deemed The Golden Rule of Dementia:
There is no reasoning with dementia. Period.

So stop frustrating yourself by trying to get your mother to look at reasonable facts and then come to a reasonable conclusion. As others have said - it ain’t gonna happen. This tip is one that more than any other piece of information - I wish I had earlier in my joy ride through dementia with my mother. I would have purchased a helmet to use prior to banging my head against the wall.

But seriously- knowledge is your best friend right now. Do spend some time reading through this site - hey, your already ahead in the game just by finding this site this early in your own joy ride through dementia.

I wish you the very best. And buckle your seat belt!

I have already had some difficulty communicating with her because she has been hard of hearing for a while. It helps that I have a very strong voice. More recently I got a dry erase board (with markers) small enough to carry around. And as I said, this "doppelganger" notion comes and goes. She doesn't bring this up all the time. I do the driving, of course; I am always present to assist with dinner; and I am there for her safety--as big and husky as I am I protect her. But sometimes I will get up in the morning and find her asleep in the living room, with two burners lighted on the kitchen stove (she is impatient with the furnace in our mobile home). But I am concerned that she may make a mistake sometime...

I would take the knobs off the stove ("Oh gosh, where did those go?") at night or whenever you're out and put them in your bedroom (or hide them elsewhere) until you are around. You don't want her burning your mobile home to the ground!!

She has recently agreed to have repairs made to the stove top--long story. I will ask the repairman to urge her NOT to use the burners as room heaters. I can set the room thermostat to obviate her supposed need to used the stove top. But if push comes to shove...

She withdrew a large amount of money recently from a credit union account, to deposit it in her bank. Yesterday she said it was gone. I happened to locate it and she accused me of stealing it. She later calmed down...this is not the first time she has made such a wild accusation.

Dougie,
Your mom probably has some form of dementia. You need to educate yourself on what dementia is, the symptoms and how it will progress.

She will become more and more confused. She needs an evaluation from her doctor now, then an evaluation from a geriatric neurologist.
You will need to be more and more observant of her behavior. The stove is just one example. She may begin wandering during the night and doing other dangerous and strange behaviors.

Now would be a good time to become her Power of Attorney (POA) for health and financial, if you aren't already. Tell her, in case she can't speak for herself, she needs to give you the power to speak for her. You should also get her to put you on her bank accounts as co-owner. You will need to do her banking in the future.

This is a long hard road. You need all the information you can get. Then you need to get things set up to make it easier to care for your mom.

Oh Dougie, all of what you describe is typical dementia behavior. Safety and security are your new words of the day. How to keep mom from blowing us up or burning us down, how to keep her from hiding money where it can be thrown out or giving it away to Douglas.

If she is cold, maybe finding a nice little space heater that shuts off when tipped or covered when on. This could keep her in her bed at night all snuggly and warm.

I had sleep issues for years, turned out that a 400mg Magnesium citrate (never oxide, this is hard for our bodies to absorb) nightly and I sleep like a baby, except I don't wet.😁

Money, maybe it's time to take debit cards, CC, checks or anything else that allows her to get a hold of the money away from her, I have to have a monthly meeting about money with my dad and it is really hard to be accused of taking his money, ugh, part of the disease.

Good luck on finding the solutions that work best for you and mom. It gets worse as it progresses so start now getting a team lined up to help you and mom, it is NOT a one man job, no matter how tough we are. It can be lonely, frustrating, heartbreaking and exhausting (to name a few). Locate and start using local resources, as it progresses change gets harder for your LO. (loved one)

Just say you are the other Douglas - or you can say, he's out doing the grocery shopping.

Sometimes it's worse to argue with them. My DH swears he has 3 wives and we're all named Linda. I asked him, then why aren't the other 2 helping?

You'll make yourself crazy over this - not worth it - just show her some "birthmark" to explain you're the other Douglas. It doesn't need to be anything special - a freckle or a mole will do.

The flip-side is you can blame all the bad things on "other Douglas" and sympathize with her as you being the better Douglas who is caring for her.

Good Luck Douglas, I know it gets difficult.

I like RayLin's suggestion, blame the other Douglas for anything she doesn't like!

Dougiemonty1, what is your Mom's sleep disturbance like? Does she move about, as if she if acting out a dream? Legs running, arms punching, etc? Are the dreams always along the lines of an animal or bad guy chasing her?

By "sleep disturbance" I mean she has had difficulty staying asleep at night--same as I have. I have had it since I was a kid. She may have had it since before I was born, for all I know.

Lots of good suggestions here. We are going through this, too. My father keeps wondering why the person in the picture frame never visits him and he doesn't believe it's me even though he knows we both have the same name, so I have hidden the picture away and replaced it with a picture of my sister. That's easier to explain. They try so hard to understand but the connections just aren't there to make sense of things. Keep it simple and reassuring and take all the necessary precautions to keep her from hurting herself (disable stove, take over money mgmt, don't let her wander or drive, etc.) Try to keep a sense of humor between you. Learn as much as you can.

Money issue, part 2: She has the money, but counted it 3 times and came up one bill short ($100 bills) each time. She even invited ME to count it, and I got the same result. Personally, I think it wound up in her purse, but she insists she has searched it thoroughly. And she ignored my question: Why not check the clothes you wore when you got the money?

How completely frustrating! Douglas, I think it is the poor dementia brain, trying its best but just not able to make sense of things anymore, like rational suggestions. You sound like such a kind son. She is lucky to have you!

It's especially hard to be pragmatic and logical with dementia. Probably doesn't remember what she was wearing. You end up having to track their stuff as well as your own.

I was in the large courthouse in Los Angeles on other business. A small booth announces sort of a "workshop" on Mondays about conservatorship. My mother is very likely to need some sort of supervision because of her condition and attitude, more that I can handle with my lack of financial wherewithal. She has started to show signs of respiratory difficulty--the very beginning--and, given her past experience (refusing to take prescription medication, specifically), I wonder what I will have to do to convince her that at least a medical checkup is in order. Considering her often condescending treatment of me of late, I am facing an uphill battle.

I was discussing this with my own doctor today. He told me that the test for Alzheimer's are even more difficult than I thought--they tend to be something like fifty percent accurate. No matter; my mother's behavior is a problem whatever the diagnosis and I don't know how long she can continue this way.

Sending hopes and prayers your way. Your post rings true with my situation. My mum turned difficult and angry after my father’s passing and is treating me and my husband so condescending so insulting and hurtful. I really don’t anything more to do with her if this continues.

Another wrinkle: Mom has twice, in recent months, said her purse is missing. With a strong suspicion that I took it. In both cases she was searching frantically for it, and I searched in a calmer matter. Both times it turned out to be concealed in a rather amateurish manner in the living room, under a blanket on a footstool or behind a throw pillow on a couch. She was not grateful at all when I found it--just walked off in a huff with it. Assumed that I had taken something from it--for a while.

Dougie, are you saying that mom is resisting going to the doctor? Can you tell her a therapeutic fib, that she's required to see her doctor because of a recent change in Medicare law?
Have you had a chance to watch any Teepa Snow videos on helping dementia patients?

"mom, I'm so sorry that your purse is missing; may I help you look?".

"mom, I'm so very sorry that you think I've taken your money; it must hurt you to think that you can't trust me. I'm so sorry that you feel that way"... in other words, validate the FEELING. Don't debate the facts; her brain can't wrap itself around facts or reasoning any more. If her purse/money/whatever is gone, it's because someone took it. You are there, ergo YOU must have taken it.

You need to enter her reality and not dispute it.

Actually, I should have anticipate this years ago.
I myself had been going to a psychiatrist--a rather crusty, outspoken one. He wanted to interview my Mom, who was not suffering from any afflictions of advanced age at the time. She agreed, and attended a one-on-one session with him. He later told me she was "narcissistic." The fact that she is hard of hearing complicates matters but I got a small dry-erase board and markers to write out messages to her...right now that's handy, since I have a bad cold and speaking loudly starts me in a coughing fit.

Once again the purse is missing. She has been asleep most of the time, in the living room; I have slipped into the bedroom furtively for casual searches. No luck. This morning she said it is missing. I asked, "Where did you put it yesterday?" because I saw it yesterday morning, at a familiar location in her room. No longer. I sense she tends to put it in a secure location, forget about it, and then blame me when she cannot locate it.

Bless your heart, Dougiemonty1.
I have never had to go through what you're dealing with but I can sympathize with you. It certainly hasn't been easy for you - at all.

God will understand, whatever you need to do - do it to save your sanity.
I am praying for you. Heck, I pray for my own sanity every night.

You shouldn't have to deal with all this. You didn't ask to be born and we don't get to pick our parents.

Huggers,
linda

I wanted to get some groceries; Mom said she did not feel well enough to go to the store with me. I suggested I go alone, and buy groceries; bring them home and show her the register receipt and she would give me a check. From what I could see, she agreed. But when I got the groceries home and showed her the receipt, she did nothing. I protested, reminding her of her agreenent; she just gave me double-talk. She can't use the dodge of claiming she can't afford it; she is in a much better condition financially. I feel insulted; either her memory is extremely bad or she is taking advantage of me.