My aged mother insists that there are in effect "two of me." I have a "doppelganger." Any advice?

How annoying! Dougiemonty1, I think that her memory is extremely bad. Unless she has always been like this, I think you can assume that she can't help it.

She has come up with a new wrinkle. She demanded to know "what group brought me here." (We have been living at this place for 30 years; when I informed her of this fact she said "Not true!" ) She said she would 'report me to the local newspaper,' an empty threat because she is too hard of hearing to use the telephone, and doesn't get around easily.

Dougie; dealing with someone with dementia is extremely challenging. Giving them facts that contradict their reality is going to end badly.

"When you say "here" mom, tell me what you mean?"

Dougie, let me tell you a story. Years ago, my 18 month old daughter, who was very precocious of speech said to me "when I grow up, I want to have a penooter, just like Daddy's". I panicked, thinking she was asking about anatonical gender differences, and I hadn't gotten to that chapter of the parenting book yet!

My own mom was famous for making asuumptions about what we were asking about and so I slowed down and asked "Adina, when you say Penooter, what do you mean?"

"That things what's downstairs with all the buttons" (A computer!!!!! that's what she meant! Yaay).

Yes, dear child, you may have a COMPUTER just like Daddy's when you grown up (and indeed she does and followed him into his field of IT security).

Ask questions. Find out what she's thinking. Try hard not the be the enemy Dougie.

Things got somewhat worse earlier today. A few times in the last few weeks she has asked me to "take her home." We have been living here since 1987. In fact, the house we moved out of, to move here, was torn down years ago. I have had no more luck convincing her that we live here than with the Doppelganger notion (and, like that notion, this comes and goes); but what makes this worse is that she got agitated about it, and first flung something (cloth) at me; then she flung her (aluminum) cane down; and she wanted me to call the police, which I refused to do; and she even asked me if I had a gun so I could shoot her! About two weeks ago she was at her doctor's office and he mentioned a possible stay in a mental hospital...

Dougie, I'm so sorry that you are finding caring for your mom so difficult! Dementia can be so frustrating!

Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos? She has some great techniques for dealing with the illogical thought processes of dementia patients.

Thanks...I'll have to look through those videos for one that will help with this specific situation...

Doggie, you know, it's not so much about each specific situation. It's more like, wrapping YOUR head around the fact that her brain is broken, and that she can't make sense of the world anymore. So she tries to fit her reality into a box that makes what she sees more understandable.

Using facts and logic and evidence aren't going to make a shred of difference to her.

What I want to do is keep her from being violent, and from harming herself, or me, or anyone else...and do what seems best, following the doctor's advice, ... I have been in touch with her sister, and my own sister and a brother to get advice and help to do what seems best under the circumstances.

Lately she has come up with the notion that we do not live here--in a mobile home we moved into 31 years ago. She asks me now and then to "take me home." I tell her we ARE home, to no avail. The house we moved out of, which was a few miles from here, was torn down years ago. Any ideas?

Dougie, have you watched Teepa Snow?

Mom's reality is that she's not at home. Say "yes mom, we'll go back home in a few weeks when the new plumbing is finished". Or the roof. Or the new flooring.

Hmmmm...that might mollify her...thanks for the suggestion.

I wonder whether she is getting worse...last night she asked me to "feel the warmth" in the bathroom, a perfectly normal thing in the smallest room here. And she asked about bottles under the sink--toilet bowl cleaner, hair conditioner, etc. When she started to question me intensely about this "clone" I supposedly have, I became disgusted and left the room. She did not persist.

Would it help you to know, my DH of 33 years thinks he has 3 wives and we're all named Linda?

If I ever get my hands on the other 2 wives named Linda, I will throttle them soundly - the lazy bums don't lift a finger to help out, hahahahahahah.

The rest of the time I am "somebody" as in, "can somebody help me?" We live alone here and have always lived alone for the full 30 years we owned this home.

I know it's difficult for you - try not to take it personally. I refused to go on Zoloft or Prozac - but recently I discovered an herb called Ashwagandha and it is really helping me to stay calm and to get a restful night's sleep, even though DH gets me up every 2 hours to help him void.

I'm praying for your sanity - I pray for mine all the time.

Huggers,
Linda

I guess we got to the point today where something had to give. Something did. She was grilling me again about the tax forms (her copy), even though the returns have already been filed. She got so angry at one point she struck me in the face--which she hasn't done since I was a teenager, more than 40 years ago. A little later she was remorseful and crying. I approached her and offered an embrace; she said she was sorry and accepted the gesture..

Aw, Dougie, sorry you are going through this. I'm glad she has you in her life.

Thanks...
This last week, she got the notion that the time display on the microwave oven is really a cooking time for something that will cost her a whopping electric bill. And she thinks the appliance has no power cord, despite the large black cord attached at the back of the appliance at one end and plugged into a heavy-duty extension at the other end. The extension is itself plugged into a power strip, plugged into the wall outlet. She said that is not a power cord and she could cut it! I said, "If you do you'll be shaking hands with Jesus." She said, "I don't care."

The solution to that is to unplug the microwave when not in use. I unplug the toaster oven and the microwave every night. It won't hurt your oven. If you have it into a power strip, just turn off the strip.

Fighting with someone with dementia is like banging your head against the wall. I think banging your head against the wall would accomplish more sometimes.

No matter how many times I tell my DH that we own this house and it's been our home for 30 years, and we live alone - he is sure people are wandering through it all the time. And he still believes there are 3 of me, lol. It makes me crazy but I know he can't help it.

Maybe a lot of your trouble stems from the fact you are the son to the mother.

Ooh ooh - tell her the other Dougie pays the electric bill?

Hang in there sugar, it sure is a bumpy ride some days.

Huggers,
linda

My Mom got to the brink of serious violence recently...she was talking nonsense about where to put her feet in bed. This was around 11 p.m. Since I did not--could not--give her an answer that suited her, she put on her bathrobe and shoes, and picked up her cane and purse and decided to go outside to get an answer.
I was worried she might go out into the street and I blocked her access to the front door--a glass sliding door. She got angry and acted like she was going to smash the door with her cane! I took the cane from her and put it on top of a tall bookcase where she couldn't get it, or even see it. I left a message for the psychiatrist about this--several days ago--and have had no answer.

My mother is like this - she said yesterday ' oh, you know - that young girl that was here this morning.' Well, that was me.
Hey I'm middle aged, so I'll take being called a young girl!
I think my mother has Lewy Body but we cannot find anyone who wants to take the time to find out. It's really frustrating when you live in a small town and can't get a real diagnosis. I think that some of the medicine that doctors give might be the very worse thing a person could take if they have this type of dementia.

Dougie - I hate to suggest this but your mother most likely needs to be put on some medication. My DH was put on Zolft, 1/2 pill, and it worked wonders.

Whatever the doctor decides, it does sound like your mother needs a little medicinal assistance.

The psychiatrist had originally prescribed Quietapine, 25 mg. daily. Along with 7.5 mg. Mirtazapine. He has since upped the Quietapine to 75 mg.--3 tablets per day. She has been taking that for 3 weeks--no argument. I left word for him about her outburst but no reply.

Hmm, that is not great that you haven't heard back. I would call again, during business hours. It must be an oversight. Happens sometimes in offices, unfortunately. Hope you can get some info from him or her, and let us know what you find out.

My dad has dementia and lived with my mom until last year. He came up with the notion that there were two "Marys" - an old one and a new one (or sometimes a big one and a small one). I think it was because my mom was verbally abusive to him, and that was a way for him to reconcile in his brain that his wife was being so mean to him. At times there were three and they were a "cult" of some sort, in his mind. We moved him into a memory care facility and he's clearly declining but his clarity toward my mother has improved and he no longer speaks of two or three Mary's (even though she is still very mean to him - now he is only exposed to her in short visits because she hates visiting him).

I had thought the episodes with my mother accusing me of taking her purse were pretty much over. But late this afternoon she accused me again. I found it, with her standing nearby; practically under her breath she called me "thief." About 15 minutes later she came back to my room and accused me again! I went back to the living room; there it was, near her chair. I think either her short-term memory is becoming worse, or the fact that she and I happened to see each other hardly at all today may account for this. At any rate, her suspicious mood is fading...

Dougie, have you read about "sundowning"? In some dementia patients, paranoid and delusional thoughts are limited to a particular time of day.

Have you watched any of those Teepa Snow videos we've been telling you about?

I would like you to give me examples of specific videos, so I need not hunt through the whole series...

Every now and then we go to a local restaurant that gives a discount to AARP members. We were there for dinner this evening. I wanted her to used her bank debit card, because she happens to be low on cash. She handed the AARP card to the cashier along with the bill. Apparently she thought it was the debit card (they are the same color), but wren I pointed to the debit card in her wallet she angrily pulled her wallet away. She very nearly walked out of the restaurant without paying. She wound up paying with cash. And she was wearing reading glasses so I doubt she could not tell the difference....she does suffer from dementia.

Ah, poor lady! Obviously lashing out at you for a minor thing like happening to pull out the wrong card wasn't necessary.

The purse, wedding ring, gold cross necklace...lost every day. My Mom would hide them. Found in closet, safety pinned on a coat hanger put in sugar bowl etc. This is a horrible stage. Always saying someone took them to jewelry store or something. We are finally moving on from this stage but it stinking lasted about 2 years. Now yesterday her wedding ring and watch were gone again. Sigh. This is so hard. Bless you!

Also during the day when she has been with me a long time, later she will ask where her Mom went or a worker in our store. It is always me she is talking about. So I looked up capgrass like Jeannie said. Hum...I think I'm seeing many things that are familiar there.