Mother (80) is accusing me of causing problems in her marriage with my stepdad, that I stabbed them in the back and trying to control them?

Maerina
I know it hurts your feelings to be accused of causing conflict in your parents marriage.
The fact that you got an apology is worth noting. You posted this under Alz and dementia. Do either of your parents have that?
Perhaps you wanted to vent and that’s fine. But I don’t see the question here or how we can help. Give us a bit more info.

Maerina, you've posted here before that your mother has been emotionally abusive your whole life.

Isn't this just more of the same? Do you expect a change in her personality?

Many of us here have benefitted from therapy or counseling to learn to deal with the crazy people in our lives. Have you considered that?

Yes, at this age wouldn't you think that there is a good bit of dementia although her mind seems clear as a bell.

Cut down the conversations with them, that's my suggestion. My mother throws me under the bus on a regular basis in an effort to avoid taking the blame herself. ANYTHING rather than take the blame! If you're being accused of trying to control them, that's an especially good reason to back off a bit and let them handle their OWN messes!! Sometimes, the less 'facts' you know, the better off you are! Let your stepdad take some more responsibility for your mom, especially if the two of them want to play games and keep secrets. You don't have to be a party to that nonsense!

You ask about personalities taking a sudden turn.........that happens frequently when dementia and/or Alzheimer's is involved. It can also happen if there's a medical condition involved such as a urinary tract infection *UTI* or another bodily infection which can create mental confusion and odd behavior. It can be a bit tough to get an in-person medical appointment these days, but perhaps your stepdad can take your mom once things get back to normal.

Dear Maerina, I'm so sorry that my reply caused you pain! That was not my intention at all. No excuses and I'm sorry for the pain I caused.

If your mother's personality seems to have suddenly changed, you should certainly talk to her doctor about getting her tested for a Urinary tract Infection. These can cause psychiatric symptoms quite suddenly.

Again, I did not mean to hurt you and apologize for having done so.

I think that I would make dad tell me what he said to cause so much upset.

I would also be tempted to tell him that you are not willing to talk to him because he thinks it's okay to cause you grief in an already challenging relationship.

Has she told you what trouble you have supposedly caused?

I have a boundary with my parents, you can be mad all you want, but you can't treat me like crap over something you refuse to discuss. Keep it to yourself, bad attitude and all. If you want to discuss what is going on fine, but I am not a scratching post, so share or shut up.

I hope you get this sorted out, whether that is you ignoring the whole situation or them telling you what their problem is.