I am 37 years old my daughter is 20. We live with my 75-year-old mother due to us losing our home to a fire March 2023. We came to an agreement that we would stay until October 2023. I’ve always known my mother wasn’t a clean person and I’ve lived on my own with my daughter since I was 20 years old. I just didn’t know exactly how bad her situation truly was. When we first moved in, my mother’s house was dirty but nothing that wasn’t manageable, so my daughter and I did weekly cleanings. It held up. Wasn’t bad for a while. When she saw that I was making moves & started going to look for apartments. She really made it hard for me. Calling me a bad daughter for wanting to leave her elderly mother and a bunch of other crap & eventually the guilt took over & somehow became her caregiver if that’s what you want to call it. my mother wears diapers & she will keep it on till you see it sagging & seeping through her pants. She smells horrible. We try to help & approach her calmly let’s get you cleaned up. she gets angry yells but doesn’t allow us to help her. Instead of changing herself she keeps it on & sits all over the furniture. She keeps food out on the counter for days. If I attempt to throw out expired or food that’s gone bad, she WILL go into the garbage and bring it back out. We clean the bathroom and an hour later you see poo everywhere. On the floor on the seat everywhere. Even on the light switch once bc she got poo under nails, but she told me it was chocolate. It’s kind of a slap to the face after cleaning it all day. Again, she gets aggressive and insults us yells. So, whatever I learned to not confront her anymore and just clean after her. She doesn’t allow me to wash her clothes or brush her hair. I mean when she opens her closet door the stench is bad. So, my daughter and I have our own bedrooms and stay on the other side of the house and we only clean certain areas because she wouldn’t allow me to properly clean her space. We maintain our rooms bathroom& hallway. We go to extreme measures to make it livable. The past few days I noticed it’s gotten worse. I mean it was bad before but, she had taken things to a whole other level. So, she lives in a low-income housing building. and about 3 or 4 days ago I noticed that someone poured like Fabuloso or something like that on the outside of her door. So, I bring it up to her. You have got to let us clean your area; the smell is obviously bothering your neighbors because someone poured cleaner on your door. She allowed me to only clean the front entrance. We deep cleaned the heck out of that area. Took us hours. I showered right after. I step out the bathroom and caught her with her pants to her knees She’s peeing in a cup by where we just spent hours cleaning and peed all over the floor. I’ve never seen her do that before. Then she leaves the pee on the floor and goes to lay down. i ask her what are doing someone had to complain about the smell. This could get you in trouble with the building. I just spent hours cleaning up this area, so the outside doesn’t smell. She gets angry and starts yelling WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO. IM IN CONSTANT PAIN I CAN’T WALK HOW AM I GONNA CLEAN? my response was you don’t to have clean, we do all cleaning, but it would help if you can maintain. You just pissed right where we cleaned. She called me names & told me that I never do anything for her. I’m still in shock. I do all her errands grocery shopping I go to the store if she asks me bc she can’t barely walk. Literally I do it all. U see me scrubbing even the walls with my hands every week, anything she asks I do. they raised the rent bc I moved in so obviously I’m paying for rent. but she said I don’t do anything? I went in my room and cried a bit and realized she isn’t living. There’s something wrong but refuses to go to a doctor. So, idk if it’s dementia or something like that. But this behavior isn’t normal. She even drained my savings completely. I NEED HELP!
I was a homecare worker for 25 years then went into the business of it. I'm going to tell you what I've told countless seniors like your mother who refuse the help they need or won't 'allow' anyone but a family member to help.
~Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.~
No truer words have ever been said. You should show your mother this thread and tell her that either she gets on board with personal hygiene upkeep and the home being kept clean or you and your daughter are moving out. Also tell her that she will not behave disrespectfully to you otherwise she will see what life is like if you REALLY don't do anything for her. Make sure she knows that she'll get hungry quick and the cupboards will be empty because you will not grocery shop anymore.
Many people are dealing with a parent like yours. My mother is similar to this although gratefully she won't sit in a loaded diaper all day. You put your foot down with senior brats like this. When the fussiness, orneriness, instigating, gaslighting, and verbal abuse start up, you handle it the same way you'd handle brat child.
For example, my mother used to always complain about whatever meal I was serving her until one day I did what my aunt used to to when their mother did the same thing. Pick up the meal and throw it in the garbage. Then you get nothing. That really cut down on the complaining at meal times.
Don't tolerate her behavior. If she won't work together with you and your daughter or she can't because of dementia ormental illness, you can't live together. Look at some places for you and your daughter because the two of you will most likely have to move.
It's time to call APS and discuss Mom as a senior in need of care, so she can have safe placement and caregivers to maintain her health and safety. Let them know she may well need, when you leave the premises, the guardianship of her State.
It's time for you and your own family to move on to your own life and own living quarters. In fact, well past time.