My parents have been at a lovely AL for over a year. Dad has COPD and heart issues. Mom has Alzheimer’s. They were in a studio apartment but mom was getting much worse. Neither were sleeping and mom’s mental status upsets dad. He ends up yelling.

We (there are 6 children) moved mom to the memory unit for a one month trial. Problem is that my dad now wants to spend waking hours with her. She refuses all care and activities when he is around. He also continues the yelling.

My dad does not participate in any activities or attempt to become friends with other residents. He complains about everything. Also his short term memory is getting bad.

I have tried to reason with him to not spend so much time, make shorter visits. He does not want to do that.

Their resources are limited and this facility does not take Medicaid. Our last resort is to move them back to their house and wait for a major catastrophe.

Has as anyone had a similar issue. My dad has burned out all of his kids with his non-compliance and attitude.

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didiblue52, it can be very difficult for older elders when one spouse needs a lot of care. Your Dad is upset because he cannot fix this issue. And he is frustrated because this isn't the retirement they had planned. So much of their young life is gone, so Dad is going to growl at everyone he sees.

My parents were also in their 90's, and my Mom needed to go into long-term-care. Poor Dad was so lost not having Mom at home, but Mom was having serious health issues and needed a village to take care of her.

My Dad hired caregivers to help him and help around the house. And every day the caregiver would drive Dad to see Mom in long-term-care at lunch time. The caregiver would need to help feed Mom. Dad just couldn't see her in that condition, so an hour was all he could endure. Plus Mom didn't know who Dad was. It was so sad.

When it comes to memory issues, I think it is more frustrating when the person is a spouse. I know I was easy going with my parents when their memory started to fade, but if my sig other forgets something [he's the absent minded professor] it really rattles me, so I know I won't be user friendly when and if the time comes if he gets dementia :(

Yes, see if there is a med that could even out Dad's feelings. Even a very low dosage of an anti-depressant can work wonders.
Helpful Answer (1)

Last resort definitely shouldn’t be moving them back to their home. Neither would get the level of care they need, plus the stress on you would be off the charts. Sounds like it may be time for dad to also be in memory care, his decline mentally seems to be speeding up. Perhaps a new memory care for both with separate rooms so mom doesn’t have to endure being yelled at, in a place that accepts Medicaid, and with instructions to staff to keep dad apart when the behavior gets bad. He may also well benefit from a med to help calm him. My mom was in a facility right at four years, much of that time on Medicaid, none of the staff involved in her daily care knew how her bill was paid, she was treated exactly the same when private pay and when using Medicaid when the funds ran out. It’s not the monster many think. Good luck to you as you wade through this
Helpful Answer (4)
didiblue52 Mar 2019
We had tried to move them to a high rated facility that accepted Medicaid. They allowed one to come to the facility. We chose not to split them. My mantra is, “It is what it is.”
This sounds really tough. Poor mom. Poor dad. The lack of sleep alone can cause problems.

It does sound like dad might have some cognitive issues of his own.

What have you already tried? Has dad been to a neurologist?

Have you spoken with his primary doctor about his behavior, his meds?

Does mom do okay when dad is not around?

Can you leave your mom in the memory care and move dad to a different location? What advice has the AL given you?

I wouldn’t think moving them back home is the solution as they need more care not less.

Start with testing and evaluating medications. Make sure they are placed appropriately for their individual requirements.
Rule out UTI for each.

This must be awful for all of you as well. Does someone have DPOA for medical and financial?
Helpful Answer (2)
didiblue52 Mar 2019
Both are under care of Hospice. We know dad has some dementia because short term memory is poor. He was not easy to live with growing up and now continues the pattern. The MPOA and FPOA are in place. We are fortunate to have a heart surgeon and para-legal as children.
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