Mother does not want a "helper" and continues to depend on me. -

Mother does not want a "helper" and continues to depend on me.


My mother suffers from fibromyalgia, arthritis, debilitating anxiety and panic disorder and is generally unwell. I also suspect her of having a narcissistic borderline personality. If I felt I could, I would cut her off immediately. I have no feelings of compassion towards her. The problem is that I am financially tied to her. She could not get a lease with her credit so I helped (because she threatened to move in with me if I didn't). She's said if I ever stop helping, she will stop paying her rent. She leased a car with my co-signing then could not afford the payments, so told me that I should switch her my paid off car with the leased car. I am driving the newer leased car but she has threatened to come get it and hide it from me, and I'll still be stuck making payments. Anyways-- she does not drive farther than a minute from her house. I drive her everywhere. I have suggested (at the suggestion of this helpful forum!) to get a "helper" for her to drive her places once or twice a week so that I'm not left doing everything. Her response? "I absolutely will not do that. If you have the money to hire a helper, you can just give me that money and continue driving me." WHAT? So frustrating. This morning I took her to surgery and she actually told me "When I am getting a procedure done, I am God." I cannot take this anymore.

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I think the embarrassment from having to consult your lawyer relative is worth it in order to get free from this situation... short term pain for long term gain, as they say. You may have to approach this in the same way you might handle a messy divorce, separating yourself from her lease/debts and declaring to the world that you are not your mother's keeper.
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She is competent, very much so. It's probably to my disadvantage, actually. I have a family member who is retired from a law firm and have thought about confiding in him and seeing if he has any suggestions. I'm just embarrassed that I have no control over my life. It's pathetic. My mother has had control of me since the day I was born and I feel as thought I don't know any other way of life. I've had trouble working therapist appointments into my schedule as I work weird hours but I do need to make it a priority. I feel like I am sinking.
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If you think that she's suffering from mental decline and that is causing her to behave in unreasonable ways, then, I would approach it one way. Having a personality disorder may still enable her to handle her own affairs though. If she is competent, I would consult with an attorney in your jurisdiction to get information on how to extricate yourself from her financially. Take your leases with you, so they figure out when you can cut ties as the leases expire. Since no one is forcing you to continue to communicate and enter into contracts with her, I'd use the lease expirations as an opportunity to separate yourself from her, since it seems to bring you so much unhappiness.

She can't move in with you, if you don't allow it. If you can't seem to stand up for yourself, then I might talk to a counselor of a support group that might help give you skills to do that.

If you believe that she is not competent to handle her own affairs, then, I'd get legal advice on how to proceed with Guardianship, if that is the route you choose.
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It sounds like your mom has made all kinds of arrangements for herself without consulting you and now you're a hostage.

Hire an aide to drive her to her appointments and refuse to drive her yourself. If she balks or throws a fit continue to refuse to drive her and let her miss the appointment. She's got you by the throat and you have to gain back some control over your own life.
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