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My 90 year old mother is home and doing fine as long as I guide her with certain things daily like medicine but when I want to go home each day she puts the guilt trip on me about afraid to be alone..i know she is fine and so does she..i can see her on video camera after I leave and she is fine but she has always had the need to control me since i was a child and never let me have a life of my own. My health is not well an dI know the nonsense of taking care of yourself but that is impossible when you have a manipulative mother who is sucking the life and energy out of you for attention. Her paranoia does not allow anyone to come in the house to help me and nursing home is out of the question. I am 56 years old and cannot even hold a job cause she keeps getting me fired by faking heart attacks when i have to go to work....nobody seems to understand by saying just say no but how do you do that when it may be real someday. She can be violent so it is not safe for me to have someone in house with her..I wish someone truly understood what this is like instead of just giving me the textbook responses. Her goal is to get me to move in with her but that would be signing my own death warrant.

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You can earn to say no and you need to for your own good. Your mother is a control freak - likely a narcissist and wants to be the center of your universe. There are several threads about narcissistic mothers on this site and many have or are breaking loose from the control. Sadly some aren't. It is your choice. Going for therapy would help you as it is difficult when you have been trained from childhood to serve mum's needs. She manipulates you by fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).

It is not impossible to look after yourself, My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissism and now vascular dementia and I have refused to let her run my life, Do some reading abut narcissism and adult children of narcissists (ACON) and learn to set boundaries and detach. It may save your life. 40% of caregivers die before those they care for. First of all you are responsible for you and your health, then some one else - like a parent in a plane putting on the oxygen mask before they put one on their child. Good luck!
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I agree with Tacy. My MIL put on more drama than the Metropolitan Opera House. She always demanded someone come right over. So we started sending 911, let them cart her off to the ER and we didn't rush there either. We told her to call us when she got to a room. You will be amazed at how well that works.
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suiee7005, it is tough getting old and boredom is part of this journey. One therapist told me that when an elder makes a decision [such as refusing to move to a senior facility] then that elder has to take full responsibility of that decision, and what comes along with that decision.

Has your Mom ever visited some of the senior facilities [try not to call them a nursing home]? If not, she probably still think those places are asylums from half a century ago.... not nicely decorated buildings set up like hotels, with a main dining room, etc.

Set up a tour at one of the facilities, most will offer you and her lunch. Tell her you are looking at a new apartment complex for one of your friends, and the place will give two free lunches, let's go. She might be pleasantly surprised :)

My late Dad wanted to view senior living and the first place we pulled up to, he got a really big smile [it was built to look like a Victorian hotel]... and as soon as he entered the lobby he turned to me and said "where do I sign up?". Whoa, Dad, let's see what the apartments look like. He loved the apartment, so sunny and roomy. He had wishes he would have moved years ago.
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She probably 'is' lonely and afraid to die alone, but that is her own choice as she insists on living in her own home. You already know that she is fine and is just pushing your buttons, so how can you get past that? One strategy that I find helpful when I am worried is to play "what if" in my mind, taking it to the farthest possible point.
So, what if she gets sick or falls when you aren't there? Well you have the camera....
Take it to the extreme, what if she has a stroke or heart attack and dies alone? Your presence wouldn't stop those events and she is 90 years old, she would have lived a very long life on her own terms, and that's OK.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
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I would listen to a senior who is 90 years old and try to figure out what they are trying to tell you. Regardless of how she may appear, I'd be concerned that she is afraid, confused and lonely. Anxiety can also cause a lot of physical problems and people can believe that they are really having a heart attack, dying or very ill. Ignoring it or trying to convince her to stop, obviously hasn't been effective, so, I'd try something else after consulting with her doctor. Perhaps, she needs medication to help, but, since she struggles with taking her meds, I'd insist that she have someone to administer them on time daily, in what ever kind of environment that requires.

And the fact that she's violent would also concern me. Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist? I'd check for UTI, infections or medication problems, but, seek assistance to help her. She sounds like she is not happy at all. I'd try to figure out what is causing her issues, get her around the clock care or find placement for her. Maybe, that would help her mood.
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My grandma used to pull the same stunts. We called the cardiac unit at the hospital her vacation home. The behavior got old real quick. My mom got to the point she told her if she wanted to be in the hospital that was her choice but no one was going to play her games anymore and my mom forbid family from calling or visiting her. She pulled one more stunt, everyone ignored her and the behavior stopped and she hasnt had a fake heart attack or pulled any stunts in years. I guess you need to decide what your boundaries are and stick with them.
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