Hello, So with my mom in ALMC she is saying how much she hates it there, how she wants to just walk out, etc.... I’m trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. It’s been about 3 weeks and doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’ve been there a lot and the people are great, at least when I’m there. They seem to treat everyone well and no one seems mistreated. Part of me just wants to ignore her calls and stop answering. It seems like all she does if say how unhappy she is, how she wants to end her life, how she is abandoned. Not not sure how much is just her disease. I’m exhausted, moving her to MC was supposed to help keep her safe and lower my stress level. I’m her POAs for finance and health and seriously thought of giving it all up. I’m and only child so I’m guessing the state would take over. Any advice would be appreciated and thanks for letting me vent.

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Thank you so much for the advice everyone. I think it’s just the lose of her independence that’s setting her off. She doesn’t remember all the falls. I try and reminder her but she won’t hear of it.

I wonder if there is a phone service that I can get that will limit who can call of who she can call.

I’m afraid that she will call 911, she did it once because I didn’t call that day and she told them I was hurt and missing.

I just want her to get use to where she is. I don’t want to abandon her. I love my mom but this new person is not my mom.
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Does your mom give you any actual reasons she dislikes MC? Or is it just that's it's not home? You can try telling mom she isn't going home because she cannot take care of herself anymore and give her an example of a fall or the weight she lost because she wasn't eating well. She may tell you that never happened. My mother has MCI with short term memory problems. Although Mom knows she has problems, at times she will tell me "it's not that bad". I feel awful telling her how bad it is so I have developed a short speech that seems to comfort her without making a big deal of her deficits. The "I'm sorry but you can't go home because you're not safe there" speech might get you there eventually. With memory issues, you may need to repeat this same speech every time you speak with her for several months.

The death wish is harder to handle. I doubt your mom really feels that way but she is probably very fearful. "Home" is a safe place in her mind and everything new is strange. Imagine waking up and not knowing where you are because you don't remember. So I would try addressing her fear. Maybe something like "I'm sorry you're feeling that way Mom. I know the transition to living here is very difficult. But you are safe here Mom. There's someone to see you get your medicine and good meals. If you fall there's someone here immediately to help you."

I saw a posting on another thread where a lady always took something for her LO (favorite snack/lotion/flower or meal to share) when she visited so the person didn't just see her appearance as just an opportunity to vent.

If limiting her calls to you isn't working, can you call her? A family friend got his LO's phone setup where it could only receive calls (don't think it had any keys to punch). That allowed family and friends to call her but stopped the constant interruptions. The nurse/aid can remind her that you will be calling her at a certain time.

You might try writing your mother a letter/note telling here where she is, how the people there will be taking care of her, that you will be calling later in the day to check on her and that you will visiting her on ____. Put it on a little stand so she can see it from her bed. Helping her orientation may ease her fear.

With time your mother will get past this, but it may take several months. Hang in there.
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I guess what the line between giving her space and abandoning her? I don’t wan to abandon her.

Also how do you answer her when she says she wants to leave? They don’t take care of her? What do you say when she says she wants to kill et self or just die?

I just don’t know what to tell her and not sent her off.

I really want her to get past this stage just so she is not so miserable.
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Also.. I wanted to add. Sometimes I sneak in to the facility and watch my parents.. and they actually seem to be enjoying themselves at times. Sometimes just seeing me is a trigger for them because I am a link to their old lives. I wonder if your mom is actually doing better then you think?

My mom packed up her room every night for at least a month.. she is much more adjusted now (they moved in last summer). She also called me non stop telling me to come and get her.

Give yourself a break and don't go in as often. Call for updates if you are worried about her. I had to limit the amount of time I go to visit as it can be extremely stressfull for me. My mother is more adjusted then my Dad ... but she never wants me to leave. She has these sad puppy dog eyes when I leave .. already? she says.

As long as you feel she is being cared for and is safe there. I know its hard... the first couple of months are extremely hard.
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Leave her there & visit less...please don’t make the same mistake I made...take her out of nursing home & take her home. Now that she is much worse dementia, nobody wants to come here to get abused physically & verbally..Im about to have nervous breakdown. She tells me if I’m unhappy I can leave! Well she is bedridden if me /or Aide don’t take her out of bed w lift machine. She can’t walk & has dementia/Alzheimer’s...yeah she says she can take care of herself!
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I don't think anyone is going to be happy with dementia and in memory care. My parents are both in memory care and are adjusting more then when they first moved in .. but the expressing unhappiness, wanting to "go home" .. will probably always be there as long as they are with it enough to communicate with me.

I just went to see them today and my Dad was in the "go home" mode. The first thing he said when he saw me was .. is his car ready for him yet? I knew it was going to be a stressful visit.

They are in a nice place, the people are nice and they are well cared for and even have friends there and entertainment. Mostly my Dad.. wanting to "go home". I think he misses his independent life.... I don't blame him.. but it sure is hard on me to deal with.

The best way I deal is to try to not let it get to me.. consider the source. I cannot take his dementia away.. he would want to "go home" no matter where he was.. probably even if he was actually at home.
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Hi all thanks for the replies.

No one ever suggested I not visit. It’s just something I get like I needed to do.

She was put in MC because she falls a lot and doesn’t know why, she looses time and does not remember to eat and stuff like that. The nurse has to dial my number which is why she even calls.

I setup a schedule for when she can call but that doesn’t seem to work.

I’ll hold off on dumping the POA it’s just frustrating.

How much time should I give her to adjust? I know people are different but I just curious.
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Usually when someone enters a facility the staff advise you not to visit at all for the first few weeks so the person can acclimatize. have you thought of doing that?
What was the reason she was put in memory care when she is stillcapable of making phone calls etc. Is she violent?
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When my mom was in a facility, I’d walk down the hall to her room to visit her and 9 times out of 10 there was a woman using the hallway phone, sobbing about how miserable she was and begging whoever was on the other end to come get her. I would imagine her own, personal phone was removed by her relatives because she kept calling and calling them. Anyway, this same lady could be seen in the dining room laughing and engaging with her table mates.
3 weeks is not enough time for her to be settled. The staff needs time to get to know her, her lIkes and dislikes, her triggers and how to approach her. Don’t hover over her at this time. I didn’t go more than twice a week when Mom entered the facility. When she started calling at 3AM, I pulled her phone. She could use the phone at the Nurses Station, but the staff would make a judgement as to whether she was coherent enough to actually call and I was very grateful for that.

Don’t dump the POA just because Mom is wearing you out. That’s a whole new bunch of problems if she became a ward of the state. Keep tabs on her by getting to know her aides and nurses and call the nurse on duty to check up on her; don’t jump to answer the phone every single time she calls. She will never completely stop putting you on a guilt trip, but you need to give it more than 3 weeks.
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