Mom won't get out of bed, what should we do?
My mom is 94, has lived alone in the house since my dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago. My brother and I went there every evening and called her every afternoon to make sure she was ok and to make dinner. Last Summer she fell two separate times requiring separate hospital stays of a few weeks each time. She broke a bone in her foot one time and the other time hit her head, along with other bruises. She insisted on going home and continuing the same routine. I wanted to place her in a nursing home, where she would be watched 24/7, but my brother was against it. She's gone downhill, forgetting pots on the stove, staying up all night watching TV, unable to deal with bills, only taking sponge baths, etc. A few weeks ago she fell again, on the carpet by her bed. My brother found her and phoned me to help lift her into bed. She's only about 90lbs but I have osteoporosis and arthritis so it was pretty awkward getting her off the floor. I think we should've phoned 911, but she said she wasn't in pain and my brother said he'd stay with her to make sure she was ok. She was shaken up but by the end of the week she was alot better. About 10 days later she was just starting to use her walker again, when he left the room for a minute to get her something, and he heard a thud. She had fallen from standing by the foot of her bed to the floor. This time someone working in the backyard helped my brother lift her back to bed. Right now (this happened 8 days ago) she's got a badly bruised, swollen upper arm, shoulder, bruised knee. Last night she told me the back of her head also hurts. But maybe that's because she's been lying flat on her back for a week and refuses to get up even to use the commode, we have to use the bedpan. She mostly just goes in her Depends. She said she's afraid to even sit because she may fall again. It's worse everyday, even eating soup flat on her back, her head just on one pillow. I think she should be in hospital. This 2nd fall was 8 days ago and she absolutely refuses to try to get up, she sits up on the bed occasionally, with my brother right beside her. He's been staying there 24/7 since this happened and now I'm worried about him because of the stress and lack of sleep. She won't accept outside help, only wants us to be there. I'm only there every 2nd day now, because of my own health problems. Even though she's 94, she's very stubborn and will not get up. She's got some degree of dementia, takes donnepezil, which I suggested my brother ask the Dr for, about 3 years ago, also she has a pacemaker, takes diuretics, and thyroid meds. I wanted to put her in a nursing home when she came out of hospital last Summer, but my brother felt she'd be happier at home, and she was, until a few weeks ago. I'd really like any advice on what to do now, since we, mainly my brother, do everything for her, and she refuses to get up out of bed. Should we call an ambulance? What should we say is wrong with her, because last time the hospital discharged her last Summer, they said it was because she had recovered and no longer had an a acute condition. Is this refusal to get up and 2 falls in 17 days acute?? I think she should be in hospital.
Your bother should also call a nursing and/or home care agency second thing and sign up as a client. A reputable agency will do some sort of needs assessment, and he can take advice on what services would be helpful. The key thing is that this support is not so much for your mother, who is refusing it, but more for *him*. Because as you correctly perceive, he cannot possibly sustain this level of care for somebody as frail as your mother on his own. So he doesn't need her permission - he needs help, and he should buy it in immediately.
If your mother wants to die at home she has the right to make that choice and it is do-able. However, I would be surprised if her doctor did not insist that the injuries sustained after her latest fall are evaluated in hospital: the swelling in particular could well mean that something is broken or dislocated, and for heaven's sake that's *treatable*. If she's determined to come home again then so be it, just agree: the last thing you want is for her to refuse medical assistance for fear that she will be locked up, which is what seems to be happening.
With or without your mother's consent, your brother MUST seek professional advice. If he doesn't, with those obvious and visible injuries, he's going to be in the frame for neglect.
They will take her to an ER and evaluate her condition. If she has a dr I would also call her dr. If she doesn't want to go to the ER, ask her dr for hospice to come evaluate her condition at home. Going to the ER will give brother a little while to recover. At 94 they will most likely put her in the hospital for a few days to check her out. Give them a list of all her problems to go over at time of check in. Dizziness. Falling. Etcetera. Then ask for rehab so she can regain her strength. Then make a decision on home with help or NH.
It's not " you need to be in the hospital". It's a matter of " we need medical professionals to evaluate".
My mom's horrible fall at home was straight back in the kitchen - she hit so hard the hardware on the drawers were bent - she spent 6 weeks in rehab - came home with caregivers while I worked and began running away from them and fell twice more breaking her ankle and injuring her knee
It was a difficult decision but after another hospitalization I moved her to a memory care facility last year - she's nearly 94 and after several falls there she no longer walks
Depending on mom's finances you may try assisted living - better quality of life than a nursing home but I'd be concerned she may have a fracture based on the bruises you describe - you and brother need to take action
My mom only wants me to help but I can't be her sole caregiver so I do the best I can by her and try to remember that she is god's child and trust I'm making the right decisions for her
My friend, I say this with all due compassion and respect to you: This situation is officially above your head. It's more than you can handle, anymore. Have mercy on your mother, and get her professional care. Hopefully, a comprehensive hospital stay will render her healthy enough to be transferred to rehab. I'm sure she has a UTI, due to poor hygiene, which will be treated in the hospital. She may have broken or sprained something. She may have head trauma.
Do this for her health and for yours and your brother's! Don't delay. Call that number now. Also, it is completely within your jurisdiction to have her admitted to the hospital.
Best of luck to you. Be stalwart.
I wish you all well and hope that you come up with a solution to this problem!
Saying to my mother "I can't do this anymore, Mom" was THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I had to harden my heart, because I KNEW that moving her out of her house was the best, safest thing for her. She no longer had the capacity to make safe decisions. Yes, she was legally "competent"; but she had the reasoning skills of a 5 year old and it was no longer safe for her to live alone.
So glad your mom is where she needs to be now - she will start to heal after her 'retreat into her shell' which that broken shoulder initiated which a normal response to a trauma like she had -
I know this was hard on you & bro but now you are in the system you will so much more help now - you were right that there was something untoward with your mom - our instinks are the subliminal alerting of a deeper awareness & you listened to yours .... GOOD ON YOU for going with your gut instink that something was wrong & out of kilter with her & got her the help she so badly needed - remember "d' nile" isn't just a river in Egypt
Just remember, they will bombard you with info - you & bro need to really look at this as it can be overwhelming - do either of you have a 'strength' in anything? ... like is either of you in financial or medical profession - divide this up between you going to where strengths are shown or just pick a part each so that you can wade through this
NEVER SIGN ANYTHING IN A HURRY - you have to look at everything well because you don't know where the loopholes are - if you are ONTARIO I have some experience as both mom & dad are in nursing homes here, so I will try to help where I can - if another province maybe my family contacts will know -
Keep letting us know how she is doing - you & bro are doing a good job taking care of her but at sometime you both may need to step up again keep her safe - hugs M
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