Are you staying away? Or is mom confused with dementia? You don't give enough details to get good comments. If you're leaving mom alone bc she's ruining things, as you said in your profile, then get her in home caregivers or placed in Memory Care Assisted Living because a dementia patient shouldn't be left alone. If you're not leaving her alone and she's confused, wanting you by her side 24/7, that can lead to burn out in a N.Y. minute. If the living arrangements aren't working out the way you thought they would, what can you do to change things?
Yep. My mother has been living with me for 5 years and she is never alone. When I leave, a sitter is with her.
Nevertheless, she is very obsessed with me and where I am at all times. When I'm out, she will yell my name non-stop to the point that the sitter will head for the door lickety split when I get home because there is no satisfying my mother.
She will also declare that I have no right to be gone "this long".
Same thing when I'm at home. Non stop calling my name and demanding that I meet her demands immediately. Day and night.
Honestly I've never met anyone as selfish. She had a very toxic, enmeshed relationship with my now-deceased twin brother and she now has transferred her emotional needs onto me. I cannot meet her emotional needs and I refuse to take it on. I force boundaries. It's like she wants us to be one person - or me to be an extension of her instead of my own person. Ugh. I could go on and on.
If your Mom has Dementia this is par for the course. I read ur profile. If this is getting too much for you place her in Memory Care if she has the money. If not, find a nice Longterm facility and apply for Medicaid.
Is she able to manage on her own: fetch a drink, snack, manage toileting?
Does she carry a mobile/cell phone? Could she call EMS if she fell? Have a falls alarm? Know how to use it?
How is her memory?
My Mom can repeat "back in 2 hours" or whatever time frame Dad has said he will be gone. But she will ask on repeat for 2 hours when is he coming back? Anxious ++
To me it appears she cannot *feel* the time, cannot feel the concept of the current time or how much time has passed. So 10 mins feels like forever (similar to little children).
When elders reach the stage of not being able to be left alone, in-home sitters are needed. Alternatively, elder day care a few days a week (to allow the caregiver some free time) or even consider residential aged care living.
Dementia/Alzheimer's means your mother cannot go unsupervised for a second as it it no longer safe for her. Looks like memory care time or necessary placement into a facility.
And, your need a break from your caregiving duties.
It is probably her anxiety that is making her need the re-assurance of your presence. It is less a surveillance of your activities than her own insecurity in being alone.
My mother had her own suite but for started spending more and more time in our house. At first I thought she didn’t think *I* should be alone, as she come in the moment the kids left for school and my husband started working. She’d spend hours complaining about perceived slights, many from 50+ years ago. If I managed to sneak out to the grocery store or dentist, I’d return to find a nasty note from her. (I was raised that only parents have boundaries.) Her time here increased, which was selfish and ridiculous. Example: She’d want to nap on *our* couch once our children got home from school, then complain that they and our dogs disturbed her. Her need to be with me became all day, every day. Then she demanded “unfettered access to me day and night”. Finally, she wrote a suicide note and tried to kill herself, because I refused to leave my husband and children. They interfered with our time together and she resented them. I used the incident to call EMS, get her assessed and into care.
This transition took place over a decade. Now she no longer recognizes me when I visit. Which is a relief.
I knew my mother had dementia (although she argued vehemently that she was fine and refused any treatment) and her assessment showed that she was far worse than I imagined. Had no idea where she lived, the year, her age, nor could she identify the grandchildren she practically lived with.
I’m here to warn you of how it played out for us. Your mother is not going to snap out of it or recognize her selfish behaviour and change. If any, ANY, opportunity presents itself for an assessment, jump at it! This kind of thing gradually increases and we often put up with its increments. Until we are totally consumed.
This may be off the wall, shoot me down if so. I see people wandering through the grocery store chatting desultorily with someone on the phone. (Never their baby in the cart!)I mean like saying the onions don't look good! They use those ear phone thingies. I wonder if chatting desultorily with an anxious elder would be helpful? Disregard this, obviously, if her situation is unsafe when you are not present.
I've been living with my mom and have been her primary caregiver for 5 1/2 years. She has dementia and is not very mobile.
Every time I leave to go anywhere (even just out the door into the yard) she asks where I'm going and when I'll be back. When I tell her when I'll be back, she says "I'll bet." It's really like being a teenager again, with her having to know my every move, and it does get annoying.
I don't leave her by herself unless it's just for a few minutes, but she MUST always know exactly where I'm going, and why. When I tell her, after she says "I'll bet" she responds with more questions. I think in one respect she's delaying me leaving, and also is anxious about me leaving.
If I have to go to the store (pretty much the only place I go these days), someone is always there with her. But I can also check in on her on my phone through the camera I have set up to watch her when she's in her chair. This is really relieves my mind if I'm out longer than I'd planned and I start to worry.
bjdoyle, it is not uncommon when a parent moves in or a grown child moves in with a parent, that the parent/child dynamics come into play.
Once again your Mom is now the "parent" and you are once again the "child". As with any parent, they are going to ask a child where are you, when are you coming home, and where have you been.
Nevertheless, she is very obsessed with me and where I am at all times. When I'm out, she will yell my name non-stop to the point that the sitter will head for the door lickety split when I get home because there is no satisfying my mother.
She will also declare that I have no right to be gone "this long".
Same thing when I'm at home. Non stop calling my name and demanding that I meet her demands immediately. Day and night.
Honestly I've never met anyone as selfish. She had a very toxic, enmeshed relationship with my now-deceased twin brother and she now has transferred her emotional needs onto me. I cannot meet her emotional needs and I refuse to take it on. I force boundaries. It's like she wants us to be one person - or me to be an extension of her instead of my own person. Ugh. I could go on and on.
I'm weary.
Those with Dementia should not be left alone.
Is she able to manage on her own: fetch a drink, snack, manage toileting?
Does she carry a mobile/cell phone? Could she call EMS if she fell? Have a falls alarm? Know how to use it?
How is her memory?
My Mom can repeat "back in 2 hours" or whatever time frame Dad has said he will be gone. But she will ask on repeat for 2 hours when is he coming back? Anxious ++
To me it appears she cannot *feel* the time, cannot feel the concept of the current time or how much time has passed. So 10 mins feels like forever (similar to little children).
When elders reach the stage of not being able to be left alone, in-home sitters are needed. Alternatively, elder day care a few days a week (to allow the caregiver some free time) or even consider residential aged care living.
And, your need a break from your caregiving duties.
This transition took place over a decade. Now she no longer recognizes me when I visit. Which is a relief.
I knew my mother had dementia (although she argued vehemently that she was fine and refused any treatment) and her assessment showed that she was far worse than I imagined. Had no idea where she lived, the year, her age, nor could she identify the grandchildren she practically lived with.
I’m here to warn you of how it played out for us. Your mother is not going to snap out of it or recognize her selfish behaviour and change. If any, ANY, opportunity presents itself for an assessment, jump at it! This kind of thing gradually increases and we often put up with its increments. Until we are totally consumed.
Every time I leave to go anywhere (even just out the door into the yard) she asks where I'm going and when I'll be back. When I tell her when I'll be back, she says "I'll bet." It's really like being a teenager again, with her having to know my every move, and it does get annoying.
I don't leave her by herself unless it's just for a few minutes, but she MUST always know exactly where I'm going, and why. When I tell her, after she says "I'll bet" she responds with more questions. I think in one respect she's delaying me leaving, and also is anxious about me leaving.
If I have to go to the store (pretty much the only place I go these days), someone is always there with her. But I can also check in on her on my phone through the camera I have set up to watch her when she's in her chair. This is really relieves my mind if I'm out longer than I'd planned and I start to worry.
Once again your Mom is now the "parent" and you are once again the "child". As with any parent, they are going to ask a child where are you, when are you coming home, and where have you been.
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