Backstory: MIL lives with husband and I and our children. We moved her in after her husband passed because we felt bad for her. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have done this again if I had known her better. She has turned started to be vindictive, hateful, codependent, spiteful, and jealous. She has despised me since my husband and I got married and made sure I know it, calling me various names and accusing me of things. Flash forward, MIL was diagnosed with vascular dementia 6 months ago (in addition to COPD, kidney failure, uncontrolled diabetes, etc). The doctor noted on her scans that it seems to be progressing fast.
She has become a nightmare. She’s rude, aggressive, shadows me, lies, and accuses my husband and I of things that are completely untrue. I saw these behaviors last year, but my husband didn’t believe me and accused me of being ungrateful for all the “help” she provides us (none). It has gotten to the point where she will throw *all* her laundry on the floor in front of me, tell me how disgusting the house is, how no one helps her with *anything*, how she has no food to eat, leaves her trash around, walks around with no clothes on, leaves the stove on, etc. We make food for her (which she refuses to eat), administer her medications, do her laundry, change her sheets, help her with the bathroom, and recently, she’s needed help showering. We’ve gotten some in home care which she has ran off. The arguments happen almost daily and we try our best to avoid it but it’s hard to avoid when she follows you around continuing to say things.
Yesterday, she started with the usual grievances. I have thrown some of her clothes out because she has three closets and two dressers full of things she’s never worn, and I can not continue to do 8 loads of laundry a day. She threw her laundry at me yesterday and told me she was very upset because I “take all of her things, steal her diamonds, go into her closets and take clothes out” (she takes them out daily) and that I don’t treat her properly. She claims she has to beg for help and foodw and that we treat her like a pet. I tried to stay calm. She said the least I can do is hang her clothes up for her and I’m an ungrateful DIL. Then she looks at me and says “you get things in your head and go to my son and lie about me to get him upset with me. You’re the cause of all of this.” And I think I saw red. She then wagged her finger at me (me, a grown adult in her 30s) and said, “don’t stand there and act so innocent.” I dropped her clean laundry into a basket and left the house. She then called me ten times and “had an emergency.” I told her to call 911. Got back later and she was fine. I recorded much of the interaction on video for husband to see.
What do we do from here? I’m absolutely at my wits end, husband is delaying putting her into a NH, and I feel completely trapped in the middle.
We cannot make your choices for you. For myself I would tell my husband I am resigning all care as of (give date perhaps a Month in future). I would let him know if he has not by then informed Mom she will be moving into care or out of your home (I can't know if she is diagnosed with dementia and if your husband is POA) that I would be getting a job and would not be home during my working hours. That I would save until I could move out. I would then go to all checking accounts we hold together and do my own division of assets in those accounts so I would have money for my future.
Then, if necessary, when the date comes I would move out whether to roommate, a room in someone's home or a shelter, until I got back on my feet. I would let hubby know I would help out with shopping in my spare time, but I suspect I would HAVE little spare time.
That's what I would do. You will need to make decisions for yourself that will work best for you. I see this as more a marital issue than a MIL one. I sure do wish you the very best.
Find somewhere close and he can go and visit often. You can chose when and how you help. It will be the best choice for you, your kids and your husband. It is also what she needs now as her care needs will be ever increasing.
This can’t be fun for your kids either. And they need to come first. Your husband needs to realize his wife and kids have to come first. That you all need a peaceful home, She needs more help than you all can give.
If your husband refuses to place her, then he needs to move out and take momma with him. He can look after until she passes.
Barring that, a mild med for anxiety could help a lot. Check with her doctor. Try to record her when she’s agitated. It’s evidence for your husband and her doctors.
If you persist in attempting to fight with her, about ANYTHING, you’ll only succeed in making yourself more upset. What you are quoting her as saying IS talking to you as though you were a small child or someone who is “beneath her”.
You’re not.
But what she is thinking, AT ANY MOMENT, is her truth when she says it. Dementia can cause paranoia, among other unexpected behaviors.
You sound as though you are exhausted with all you are expected to do. You don’t say how old your children are, but you, your husband and your children need a reasonably peaceful, calm environment IN YOUR HOME.
Why is your husband “….delaying putting her into a NH”? She may not NEED Skilled Nursing, but it DEFINITELY seems that your family would be better off if she were in some sort of residential setting.
Familiarize yourself with what you can find available in your local area. Look into Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Board and Care settings.
Don’t let yourself get “trapped in the middle”.
Of course, he doesn't care, he is not stuck with her all day. Allowing her to live with minor children in the home is abuse at it's finest, children should never be exposed to such behavior.
Put the ball in his court, it is his mother, not yours. Many men are weak whinnies when it comes to their mother, but when they are cornered and find out that they will have to do the caretaking they all of a sudden grow a backbone.
Good Luck.