We have my long-widowed, 90 yrs Mother in Law on an extended holiday with us to give my husband's brother a break. I love her, and have always got on well with her, and although we live in different country have always had her for month long holidays and gone to stay with her every second month or so for a week at a time.
I am 66 and my husband is 67 and we also care full time for my 89 year old father who lives next door, since Mum went into a local nursing home. Dad is relatively still fit and active, but I do all the shopping with him and cook his meals, and he usually stays for the evening with us watching Netflix etc.
My MIL is now almost blind and wears 2 hearing aids. She is frail and can no longer read, sew, knit etc., or follow her favourite TV programmes.
We sit with her for every meal and tea breaks, and often sit watching TV during the day to keep her company. Every evening we all sit watching TV but she gets bored in between and constantly asks where me or my husband (or daughter who lives nearby) is. If we discuss the TV programme, she says she can't see or hear it, and looks fed up if chat about it.
She wants us to sit down all day chatting to her, and if we go to the bathroom or to ring someone, she comes looking for us if we are away longer than expected.. She comments if we look at our phones or if I go into the next room to my computer (I'm an author! Have taken a year out from writing as I have too many family commitments).
She is always disappointed if we are doing something else, or working in the garden etc. I have given her little safe jobs like washing cups etc., and wiping down worktops, brushing the floor, and simple ironing, but she often comes looking for us to check she is doing it right.
My husband takes her for a walk to the church every day. We also take her out shopping for groceries, but she finds walking around the shops makes her breathless, so sometimes she sits in the car.
We have friends visit or take her with us to their houses, but if we have a conversation she can't join in on due to her hearing or perhaps about colleagues at work, she makes it very obvious that she feels left out. She either sighs loudly or stares ahead, looking crestfallen. All our friends have noticed it. She also comments that our daughter doesn't come often enough or stay long enough, even though she is in full time work and has two little children. She also gets irritated if the focus is on the children, and she doesn't feel included. It's fine if they sit and talk to her.
If me or my husband are out or drop down to my daughter's at night, she will tell whoever is with her that she won't go to bed until she's said goodnight to us. She also wants us to go to bed the same time as her.
Background info: She lived on her own for the last 20 years with no company in the evenings, and was relatively happy with television and phone calls. Last Xmas she took ill, and moved in with my younger brother-in-law and his wife, but they are drained and now thinking she needs full time nursing care.
There are times she will say she is only in the way if I am doing emails etc., which makes me feel guilty.
She eats very little, and I try to think of things she likes plus buying her favourite cakes, sweets etc, but she either doesn't comment on things or gives a muted comment/thanks, which leaves you thinking you never get it right.
Her memory is also starting to go, but I don't think it's dementia causing this, as she has always liked people giving her their full attention, and resented me going out with friends for lunch etc.
Has anyone else experience of this with elderly relatives?
Any ideas that might help or activities that could occupy her?
Can she budget for an Assisted Living facility?
Meanwhile be truthful with your MIL, which is not as harsh as it sounds. She *doesn't* want to be in the way. She doesn't want to put anybody out. Take her word for it. If she rabbits on when you have something else to do, kiss her and ask her to tell you all about it later - then go right ahead and ignore her. If she seems uncomfortable in company it's a pity, but it's not a problem. You are correctly including her, anything else would be patronising at best, and it's for her to adapt herself if she wants to enjoy it.
In short, carry on as normal and be confident that you're doing the right thing - including MIL in real family life as it is lived. Be cheerful and affectionate to her, but don't tread on eggshells and don't worry overmuch about whether she's loving every minute.
It's possible that she can only really follow the one on one conversations with her and she's missing a lot of the general chit chat, the double whammy of hearing and vision loss means she's missing the visual cues we all subconsciously use to help us hear better.
NC has programs for training people who are vision impaired to adapt better to their surroundings. I suspect though she may not be very motivated to learn - a thought though.
Greaton777 has great ideas.
You sound like your hands are already very full caretaking. Care for yourself so you don’t burn out.
She will remember when her favorite program was a radio broadcast.
Get her a set of audio amplifiers and a tech device that she can use to listen to these and audio books.
One thing that I have learned personally and read here, personality traits get amplified with dementia. Needy, must be center of attention, always like this, now looses her social graces to hide her irritation that the babies get the attention. Sign of dementia.
Inability to know if what she is doing is correct, sign of dementia.
This is one of the saddest ways for a person to die, educating yourselves to understand what is happening will help you deal with the behaviors and help you plan a future course of care.
Teepa snow videos are great, there are also other great videos on the internet.
Because you and BIL live in different countries, knowing which one MIL has benefits in is vitally important, because care can be cost prohibitive if there are no social services available because of residency status and prior work/tax payment history.
Best of luck finding her the best care for her needs.
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