Grandma complaining about food, constantly urinating and she is always saying she is lonesome when I’m literally in the next room. Advice?

How about fixing enough dinner to serve her lunch the next day?

I would have dad put her on a bathroom schedule and make her get up every hour, two hours, half hour, whatever is needed to help with the incontinence.

Are there any adult day care programs in your area? This could help with the loneliness.

Eric, you sound like a kind and caring young man, who is doing his best. I have children of 39 and 41, and I would not like to have them caring for an 85 year old full time. Part time is more than enough, especially when you are not well and cooking for everyone etc.
At the moment I am caring for 2X90 yr old mother & mil, plus my 88 year old father, and at 66 years old, I feel I spent so many years growing up with them, I can mainly adapt to their needs in a positive way - but it is still hard work!
A young man of your age adapting to an old lady is much harder, and yet you are doing it with a great spirit. The bible may talk about a lot of things, but I think the main thing is coming from your own good heart and conscience. BUT, you have to look after yourself and have breaks away from this.
If you don't already have one, get a TV with Internet and Youtube etc., so you can watch things you enjoy and put on programmes your Grandma enjoys. You sound like a religious family, and there is endless religious programmes you can enjoy or leave your Grandma to watch on her own. It is also an endless source of music of all kinds.
Rest your back regularly and make time for yourself - little treats or outings. Find something you enjoy doing like art or writing or some kind of hobby, as it relaxes you and takes you into a different world. If you've never tried anything creative, give it a try. Watch videos things you are interested in. Try meditations, which are wonderful for the mind and body.
You cannot care for someone else unless you care for yourself first!
Wishing you all the best.

sounds like a lot more than "just incontinence"
My Mom had dementia and when she is in the other room...she thinks she is alone in the house, no matter how many people are here. If she cannot see them, she's alone.
Grandma may not be able to eat a sandwich or cup of noodles.
The lack of bathing is another MAJOR red flag of more than "just incontinence".
I think Grandma needs to have a work up by the doctors to get her a diagnosis of whatever it may be.

Some people think they're doing an elder a great favor by 'fixing up a house' for her to live in, then asking an unqualified family member to give up his life to care for her, and then all will be well. The reality is something entirely different. First of all, the elder likely needs A LOT more care than anyone realizes. "Just" being incontinent is only part of a much larger story. Why is she incontinent? What else is going on in her body that makes her incontinent? I suspect dementia myself, due to her complaining of 'loneliness' when you're in the same house with her. Men especially tend to dismiss that possibility in their mother's and chalk odd behavior off to 'just old age' when it could indeed be something a lot more serious like dementia, which is another kettle of fish entirely.

Then there's you who will likely be 'asked' to care for her when you're not interested in doing so, suffering from your own issues, and unqualified to medically care for an elder with health issues. Unless you are in the medical field which you neglected to mention. "Just" preparing a house for an 85 year old woman with health issues is not enough! Your father has GOT to make OTHER arrangements for grandma's care besides just 'getting a house' ready for her to move into! It's very aggravating to hear statements like that, honestly, b/c he has no idea what's going on with her. "Not wanting to bathe or shower" is a hallmark issue of dementia/Alzheimer's, yet it's being chalked off to 'laziness', etc.

Please speak to your father right away. Number 1, grandma needs a full medical evaluation BEFORE anything else happens. She needs a cognitive evaluation in addition to a full medical workup to see what sort of help she needs on an ongoing basis. Is she equipped to live alone? If not, does she require 24/7 care?

Know that this situation is not about 'love'. Of course you love your grandmother, you just don't want to devote your entire life to caring for her in home and becoming a slave to it. And I don't blame you. "Free rent" is not a good trade off for what's being expected of you. Nor are you in an mental or physical condition to BE a caregiver for an 85 year old woman who needs someone with a good, strong back and no depression issues to look after her.

Wishing you the best of luck getting this message thru to your father.

It is REASONABLE for your family to expect you to contribute (and you ARE) since you are living under their roof and resources. But that does not entitle anyone in the household to abuse you, and that includes your grandmother.

Geaton777 is correct about this being an EXCELLENT--though brief and temporary window--to transition Grandma to a good elder care facility. If you have home internet access, since your health challenges keep you home currently, perhaps you could help your Mom & Dad by preparing a list of potential locations. You also have some options in better managing the verbal exchanges you have with your Gram, and in setting reasonable expectations for how you are able to assist her.

If YOU are offering to fix her a meal, you can say "I'm making myself a sandwich, Gran; would you like one?" If she counters with alternative request outside your availablility or plans, smile kindly and tell her that sandwiches are the only thing on the menu at this time, but if she wants something else, certainly the kitchen is open to her as well. Hard to react badly to kind words said with love.

Your parents should also take the initiative and just purchase a package of the pretty, ladies protective undergarments (don't use the "D" word); they're quite attractive, easy as underwear to put on, and relatively inexpensive (I believe about $16. for 20 or 30 in a package). You might also ask Gram to assist in her own surface cleaning (chairs, floor) after an accident, even if that just means your putting down a clean towel on the puddle and having her move it with her shoe to wipe most of the damp up. It may help her understand the effort her behavior is requiring. Alternatively, puppy pads for putting under on her seat or chair cushion can usually be purchased 4 to a pack at Dollar Tree or 99 cent only. stores.

I hope this works out for your family and that you can all figure out a way to communicate with each other in kindness, love and honesty to resolve these challenges and help everyone live their best life. I also wish improving health for you, Eric.

Hard "no" to her moving in with you permanently, or providing any of her care going forward. Your dad has a golden opportunity to move her into a good care facility -- do you know if she is a candidate for AL or MC? He can tell her it's temporary while her house is being remodeled. It is immoral to "assume" someone else into the very difficult and burdensome job of caregiving. There are other solutions, but your Dad may be operating out of some sort of cultural tradition in to provide all the hands-on caregiving "in perpetuity" for his mother and then most likely will expect you to do the same for him. You are way, way too young for this type of commitment. Saying "no" to him do not mean you don't love her deeply (although he might exert all kinds of pressure to relent). There are other options for her care. Maybe start by researching facilities, figuring out her financial situation and talking to social services to come in and get her assessed for some in-home help. Wishing you success in protecting yourself with strong boundaries!

Back issues can take time.. Depression can become part of the adjustment to an injury but hopefully you will adjust, regain function, strengthen & heal. Is it the sort of thing a physio can help you with? Do you have support for the other issues?

At 34, you'll want to get back to enjoying a full life.

I haven't mentioned Grandma on purpose as it seems you need to focus on getting yourself up & going. Put your own O2 on first, yes?

Your grandmother is not your responsibility. You have enough problems without taking on your grandmother. Do not move in with her.