I think I may be in trouble. - AgingCare.com

I think I may be in trouble.

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I post here when I can, which is not often, but I read every day.

I think I am an emergency, so forgive my brevity.

My Mum controlled my life. I have just done with the second arranged marriage. It was international, and she left me penniless, I came home with $317.

No brothers and sisters. Both husbands dead. I left there so I could come and be her every day slave. She provides my bedroom and multivitamins. She has been a little crazy. In the last two days we have two dead fridge, and three trees had to be cut, it had been stressful, but we got it all done.

I had to take a taxi yesterday to go do the shopping and errands, and when I came back she had a fit, said I had been drunk, didn't know me, I was out to get her, and nearly called the police, as I was an intruder.

She said I could call our trusted neighbor next door, who came. Mum raved about I was foreign and doing terrible things. My mum is a former beauty queen, and has tried to make out with our nice neighbor before, and her home health aide. He is married, and we live in an upscale neighborhood. As if it matters. He has also seen her have a fit when I lived away in another country, with the man she set me up with. She even made me pay part of the wedding, and now she is demanding that I pay to stay here in this Hell. I don't have a job, a car, or an income. We don't have a car. I can't go anywhere except to get groceries. I just stay here, and am about to scream. Please don't have a fit on me, that is the last thing I need.

I came back here from Canada to look after her. Now I am accused of all things. A few weeks ago she had the police here at 5am. I got out of bed to hear that she was accusing me of beating her. I was asleep. They almost arrested me, but she at last said, on, no no no .. I didn't really mean it.

The thing is that I think I can be accused of something I haven't done. I think I need a lawyer. I am unsure what to do. She is keeping me under her thumb with her will, but I'm about ready to let it go. After that mess, I am afraid to go to sleep, she must have her phone with her at all times, and I wake up some days and am blind sighted right away with some accusatory. I try to make my Mum weigh more, and eat healthy, and be entertained. I am cooking tasty mush, cleaning a huge house, bathing her. I am run ragged with this, and don't even have the house, let alone do something I like. If I could go to the movies, that would be so nice. I'm scared to go to sleep.,

Last night she fell ... I might have been 20 feet away, I couldn't have stopped it ... And now she has broken out her front teeth. Four.

I am afraid to move. I've done nothing, but i believe I AM in trouble?l

Please help me as soon as you can - Am I in trouble?

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Think hard on this, if her dementia is this bad now, it's only going to get worse, and she will/should end up in the appropriate Senior Care facility, probably Memory Care in a Nursing home, and where will that leave you? Do you have POA over her Medical and Financials? You should, but it might be too late, if you dont! Do you go with her to Dr's appointments? Is she on medication for her dementia? What do her Dr's think? You will never be able to manage her on your own if things don't change! You might think about calling APS yourself, before you get accused of harming her and being prosecuted. APS would be able to direct you to the right place to get her the help she needs, and it won't be the first time the've seen this type of scenario played out!

Have you thought about getting a job, getting on your feet, so you can get out on your own? You are going to have to eventually! What will probably end up happening, is that she will need someone with POA, or a Guardian, to oversee her monies, to get her into the proper place, and eventually her home will need to be sold, to pay for her continuing care! Have you checked with your Counties AREA ON AGING, to see if there are any programs to help you with her care? First step, go with her to the Dr's, and see if there are any meds that will help her with her delusions and anxieties. Then, she may be more manageable for you. It a very difficult spot to be in! I hope you find the help you need! Please do not think that EVENTUALLY you will inherent Something, as chances are, you probably will not! I say rhis from experience, as we've cared for my FIL inmour home for 13 years, and soon, he will be moving into a Senior living situation, his money will eventually be spent down, and there will be no inheritance for my husband, even though he cared for him for So long! That's the way life works!
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She is feeling guilt over something that has happened in the past.
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Your mom is in the USA, do I have that right? She is an American citizen? It is obvious she has dementia so she should be able to get into an appropriate facility, first at her own cost and then courtesy of medicaid when all her funds are depleted. If you have allowed yourself to become penniless in the hope of a future inheritance then I am sorry, but is this living hell worth the price? It is way past time for you to explore ways to walk away and get back on your own two feet, independent from her.
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Yes, you are in trouble, but it's a situational and self image, self esteem issue. There's a palpable fear of your mother expressed in your post, as well as an almost non-existent persona of your own. Perhaps that's cultural, but it seems to be at the root of your literal servitude.

This is what I would do: recognize that this is an intolerable situation, one of emotional abuse, and that you need professional help. And also recognize that living with your mother, attempting to care for her, and being subject to abuse is NOT an acceptable way of life.

Get out of the house, go see the local police, ask about facilities and help for emotionally battered women. You are one.

If there are places locally, you can live there while you establish yourself as an independent person, not a voluntary slave. You may have to learn a trade to support yourself, which you should have one way or the other whether your mother is controlling you or not.

This is going to take a lot of courage and determination, which I question whether you have, as it seems as though you revert back to the caregiving/indentured servitude role. Again, I have a feeling b/c of your comments about different countries that this may be ethnically related.

But if you voluntarily stay in this environment, you'll just be posting again and again about the abuse you're enduring.

I'm not trying to be cruel, but rather to be blunt and not sugarcoat any comments that would give you the chance to crawl back to this totally degrading and deplorable situation. And it will be tempting - it's what you know. Going out on your own to create a life for yourself will be threatening, uncertain, frightening and challenging. But what's the alternative? Living like you have been and cowering in fear at your mother's potential or realized manipulation and domination? And domination it is.
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