I moved back in with my mom 5 years ago. In the last 5 years she has declined so badly she has a VERY hard time getting around. It's hard to get her to shower or go up stairs to use the restroom. I caught her using the restroom in cups? I was beside myself. Anytime I go anywhere she is always asking me questions. I feel I have no privacy and she doesn't want to fix up the house and it is falling apart. I need help. I attempted to move in to my BFF's house just 2 doors down a few years back and she got just NASTY about it. I have siblings but they all live out of town. I am stressed to the max. Resentful, depressed and just over it all. I have recently put in applications for homes and am waiting for response on my credit app. I don't know what to do. My mom still works but that is all she does. She comes home from work. Sits in her chair and stays there all day night watching tv etc... She actually woke me up out of a dead sleep the other day because someone was knocking and she wouldn't get off her butt to go look? She won't even go to the fridge to get her own water. She doesn't do ANYTHING for herself and I brace the brunt of it all. I am emotionally and mentally drained. My social and romantic life has struggled severly due to this. I am 36 and I want a relationship and to get married one day but how can I living here? I feel it is selfish of her to do this to me. I just don't know what to do.

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Yea, you need to move. That she is using her grandson as a personal assistant is unacceptable. You should put a stop to that, for his sake, he should know we help one another but boundaries are a good thing.

If she is working she is capable of caring for herself.

When she pulls the, you just wish I would die, tell her no, I love you and want you to have a life and me being here obviously hinders that. You are only guilty if you are doing something wrong.

Go live in a weekly rental if you have to but it is past time to split the sheets with mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

I agree with CW that at some point you felt responsible for your moms happiness and to care for her. Someone once told me "just because your parents gave you life doesn't mean you owe them the rest of your life."

As others have stated just make arrangements and move out. If mom can work than she can take care of herself. Prehaps it would be better for her that you move out because than she will be force to do for herself. Do I dare to say, "you might be enabling her without realizing it!"

Just move out and live your life because their are so many of us who can't!
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Reply to Shell38314

This does not sound like a healthy situation for any of you. Move out. Explain to her (and your 15 year old) in a very matter-of-fact, unemotional way that you are grateful to her for support in raising you and renting you space in her house, but that you will all be better off with separate living arrangements. It is not good for your 15 year old to be hearing the manipulative/victim/shaming comments. And you are way too young to be feeling so stuck. Good luck!
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Reply to janeinspain

I have 1 child and he is 15. Oh no she loves that he is around so he can wait on her. I ddo not live off my mom. I have my own job and pay bills, just as she. It's almost like we are roomates? Even though she owns the home I pay rent etc... I wish that were the case. Anytime I come down on her and try to be blunt she gets all upset saying oh you probably wish I would just die. Which is a manipulation tactic. My problem is I feel bad but I don't. I feel like I owe her but I also feel like I deserve to experience my life, just as she did. She isn't changing and IMO she has done this to herself. I almost feel as if she has ran herself into the ground just so she "needs" someone there. When I move I do not want her coming with me. period.
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Reply to smb517

Definitely manipulation. Somewhere along the way you got the notion that you are responsible for your mother's happiness - you're not. You moved back with her when you were 31 so you must have figured out how get away and to live independently before then, you should be capable of doing it again. Don't ask her permission, just make arrangements and go. If she can work she is competent to live on her own, there is no way anybody can tell you otherwise.
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Reply to cwillie
smb517 Jan 29, 2019
well I do but I am not getting any younger and do NOT want to end up like her. I just feel she is sucking the life and time right out of me. It's so frustrating. I feel like I am evil and I owe her this but what about me? It's just such a viscious cycle. I can sit all day and blame her but it's really my doing for staying so long. I just dont want to hurt her but I also only get 1 life and it's just slipping away daily
Move out. That will force her to take care of herself, if she still works she is obviously able.

Maybe she feels like you need to move and is trying to make you uncomfortable enough to go.

How many kids do you have? Are they living with your mom as well? I love my grandkids but I don't want them living with me, I'm to old for the chaos kids bring.

I wouldn't want my 36 year old and her kids living off me. So I would be more blunt, you're a big girl, put on your big girl panties and get your own place. Bye!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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