Anyone have tips on managing communication with my 85-year-old mom who calls me constantly, day and night, to tell me she is nauseated and can't go on?

Voicemail all her calls. Only talk to her when you wish to. If she has an emergency, the staff will call you; answer their calls.

I would suggest reading Liz Scheier's memoir of trying to deal with her Mom's mental illness for decades (along with the attempted help of the city and state of NY). To no avail. You need to turn off your phones, let your Mom know that constant calling will not be tolerated. If you supply the phone, stop doing that You need to monitor calls, letting them go to the answer machine. There is nothing like a little training to discover what works and what doesn't. As you said, you have attempted to deal with this with MDs. That is about the only resource you have. I am so sorry you are going through all this and my heart goes out to you, but there is no dealing with a disease or disorder. They win, hands down, every time.

Boy do I feel your pain . My mom has / is high drama high maintenance fir as long as I can remember.
my mom is in assisted living too. And calls. And calls. AND CALLS!
she can’t go on - she’s worthless….
I am currently trying very hard to answer every OTHER phone call. Then the plan is to not answer calls at night.
*something that helped me was to call her / on MY terms when I was ready . *That took care of the phone calls for the 2 hours at least bc I knew she was safe . I just wouldn’t pick up .
I was walking the dog, doing laundry.Any excuse was at the
tip ofmy tongue for when she asked why I didn’t pick up, ive even knocked at my own door and said oh! Someone is here, gotta run!
anything to cut short a truly complaining call. I knew she was safe and I’m training her not to call . I hope it doesn’t sound horrible, but my sanity was at stake!!
I also made appointment with psych . She’s so negative I bet she won’t go ~. But, I’m trying to create buffers and time between calls. I hope this is helpful.

Ringing phones do not have to be answered. I think this is a generational thing... I don't even answer my phone if I don't know who it is calling.

You say she's in Assisted Living, so let them assist with her living.

Loni54: Perhaps you can check the side effects of her medications.

Block her on your phone. Unblock when you want to talk with her, then block her again. She is safe in a facility. If there were a real emergency, the facility will call you. Go get some sleep 🙂

Check with pharmacist about her medications for side effects. If not, then ask doctor for referral to psychiatrist to evaluate and treat for her mental health issues. Let phone go to voicemail since she is in a facility that can take care of emergencies.

BOUNDARIES! A % of Elderly seem to be thrilled with taking ownership--being as independent--non complaining as is possible. Others have decided it is their time to be needy & non stop complaining, selfish as all get out. Read a few responses below. Not on YOU to live the rest of your life with her dictating. Do what you can do and walk away. You are not being selfish. Life is a balancing act. I take it you have your own grown Kids & Grandkids...work...activities..friends? Can she read or watch TV.. any group activities where she is. I tell my Mom..stand outside when you get your mail....take short walks in your complex...(she won't)...talk to neighbors... say "Hello" to people at the grocery store. My Mom is NPD-Borderline + Dementia. Does not know how to behave. Unfiltered. Will lash out at us...or anyone looking my direction. I tell her to relax..people look at people...people exchange pleasantries. She complains about her ear wax-vertigo.. complains re: the drops..complains re: having nothing in her life.. BUT..guess who didn't prioritize having friends & hobbies...in her life.. EVER. I do what I can but not at the expense of my physical and emotional health. Don't pick up all the phone calls...Call her back & don't bring up that you didn't pick up. Say your phone was charging..you were tied up on another call.... etc... What % of Elderly handle these Golden Years with grace & class? I am beginning to feel: 25%. Hang in there! You love her but can only do so much.

I would give anything for a phone call from my amazing Mom.
 
Instead, I will be taking her a bouquet of the fragrant and colorful Spring flowers she loved that grow in our yard, when I visit her at the cemetery today.
 
I am so lucky, and will always be grateful to be her son.

Anxiety can create nausea; we've all had 'nervous stomach'/butterflies at times, right? It sounds like your mother is fearful; if all medical issues have been ruled out and she is on psych meds, perhaps the meds need to be adjusted. Who doesn't want to be 'taken care of' on some level? When we feel vulnerable we want assurance we are safe and cared About. You do what you can but you cannot do her spiritual (I am not talking 'religion') work for her; seeing one's life coming to its natural conclusion creates all sorts of reactions/realizations. If you think this is the case with your MIL perhaps having a social worker/counselor spend time with her to develop coping skills. A stroke is a huge 'wakeup call' that one's life can truly end or make one completely debilitated in an instant, so I can see where it might be almost appealing to 'throw in the towel'. Managing anxiety can be done; don't let your mom's drag you down.

It's possible that she is lonely and wants company and some loving attention. Observe how she is and if she complains when you visit. At least you will get a better grasp if it is imagined or a real issue that hasn't been diagnosed properly.

It might be an inner ear problem; I don't know if strokes can cause inner ear symptoms, but inner ear problems sure can cause nausea and drive you crazy. However, keeping you awake 24/7, as she is, will not help either of you. You have to monitor your responses; you can't really control hers except through how you respond to her. Nausea is very unpleasant, but it probably won't kill her after all this investigation. However, her unceasing, if uncontrollable by her, demands, might get you close. Her stroke may very well have affected her self-control. I wouldn't get too mad, but I would limit my responses, and discuss it with the staff!!! They should be the first line of response; they may have already limited their responses, but you should be informed how they determine this. Plan an approach with them so you are comfortable that serious issues are not ignored and all of you are coordinating responses..

I believe her and in her. Doctors don't have time or training to diagnose everything. A regular doctor and regular tests only scratch the surface. Try a wholistic practitioner (they are also limited) and get your mom some ginger tea and chamomile tea to help symptoms of nausea. And maybe a daily probiotic or some lactobacillus plain yogurt daily. It would be a worthwhile miracle to get to the bottom of this.

I wonder if there is a problem at the facility where she is living and because of her strokes she is unable to communicate the problem. Perhaps it is an environment problem, such as a fellow resident or a caregiver. Perhaps there is a preservative in the food she is served. Perhaps there is something in the air from the HVAC system or something in a cleanser or detergent they use.. Strokes can and do affect a person's ability to communicate, so see if there is something else really going on.

Mute your phone when you go to bed so that you can get a good night's sleep. You don't have to answer every phone call. Don't blame her for doing this, just be sure to protect your own health. Remind her that it's ok to contact the staff there if she is not feeling well. If she is able to get benefit from it, you might want to consult with her doctor or the staff at her facility about some therapy to help her get acclimated to her new residence and to help her feel happier. Depression is very common among seniors. And seniors often don't take moves and changes well. Going "home" in this situation is partly symbolic. It's sad, but what is really wanted is to be like they were when they were independent.

This nearly did me in, and I finally HAD to turn off the phone at times, especially if I really needed sleep. Mom finally figured out that I wasn’t going to answer every time the phone rings. Then she began to call less. You might pick a time to call her, then end by saying “I’ll talk to you tomorrow or Tuesday or whenever you decide you can manage.

Have you looked at the side effects for the medications she is taking? Nausea may be the result of side effects or adverse drug interactions among her medications. She is scared and knows something is wrong.

There are so many people on this forum tired to the bone because they are physically caring for their loved ones. It made me chuckle when I read you are at this same point … from … telephone calls?

Cell phones have all kinds of ways to be be silenced. if you can’t cope and you need to be able to use your cell phone, you can block her calls during business hours and unblock them whenever you wish.

Maybe it is the guilt that is really bothering you, not the ringing. Your mom is safe and receiving care. One day you will never receive another call from her ever again.

Listen to her on the phone when it is convenient for your schedule and you are emotionally capable to do so.

Better yet. Go see her in person and spend time together while you’re still able.

I think I would have done what you have. Taken it as she described, arranged medical checkups to look into every angle. What next?.. The body is an amazing but strange thing. People do report abdo pain that can turn out to be almost anything - from bowel ca to grief.

"Her physical health has not declined".

This makes me think she IS eating well.

"mental health issues as long as I can remember. They were in control pretty much until 7 years ago when she had a stroke".

This makes me think a'ha! Vascular Dementia. More small strokes or lack of O2 to the brain causing ? increased feelings of anxiety/fear/dread being described as nausea & pain + ? decreased memory to know she just called you.

But also I have recently heard, Vascular Dementia can also cause small clots or strokes in the gut. I imagine these wouldn't hurt like acute pain (not many nerve/pain receptors there) but could reduce ability to digest food properly? It was my theory when my LO had abdo pain.. however, later found to be bladder infection & kidney stones.

Some people become more intolerant to lactose with age. If she switched to a lactose free diet I wonder...

Does she still complain of nausea when you visit & sit & hold her hand? I think that could be a small test if a 'behavioural' symptom.

If you have done all you can, your Mother's symptoms move from 'seeking active treatment' to it's beyond your control, to 'comfort care'. 😞

A Gastroenterologist can offer many remedies.

Shhhhhhhh, you can turn off your phone. No reason to let her mental problems ruin your life, too.

A lot of frustration here for sure. Yes, I read their initial post. I personally do not have enough information really from that so I always err on the side of caution. When someone says "I can't go on", I take that seriously. Is it drama? I don't know. Neither does anyone else here. Except the family might of course. I still would involve a GP or physician at the facility and re-evaluate the medications. Get the social worker involved if there is one. Ask for a behaviour specialist to be involved. It is draining for this family. I think the most important thing is to give yourself permission to back away. Inform the facility that you won't be available for a bit, leave them a number for emergencies. Perhaps arrange for someone else to visit Mom. The comments I am reading are based on your own frustrations with your own families. This is about helping this person to cope. We all come with our own experiences and it clouds the issue sometimes. I would have someone to facilitate a meeting with the elderly Mom and daughter. Sometimes we don't have all the answers and that's okay. Perhaps you didn't appreciate my kindness and compassion comment, but in my experience it is good to hold onto that. No one said that solves anything? However, elderly people are vulnerable. They have their hangups. Most of it we are not curing at the stage of their lives. As I'm not involved, I don't know what the background is for this lady. All I can say to the family is thank you for your care to date of your loved one. You are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself.

My mother-in-law would call every 5 minutes or so to say she had a headache. She was always a sweet woman so it was hard to tell her to take an aspirin and hang up because we were heading to work but she was driving us crazy UNTIL SHE WENT INTO A NURSING HOME. You Mom must have some dementia and forgets that she just called but still she can’t be allowed to drive you crazy. Is she on any dementia drugs? In assisted living does she always have access to a phone? Ask the staff to limit her phone use.

I have a certain pain condition, that when it is active, causes INTENSE nausea.

Pain fibers and nausea fibers in the brain are close to each other. That’s how it was explained to me.

I was in the hospital last year. The pain was intense, and the nausea was as well. The hospitalist was an a—hole about it, and didn’t believe me. I honestly thought I would die, there for awhile. The nausea was far worse than the pain.

I would tend to believe your mother. SOMETHING is causing this distress.

Dicylomine is actually bad for someone with cognitive issues.

If she's having a lot of Nausea have you asked for a prescription of Dicyclomine / Bentyl? I take this for my IBS and it works by calming your stomach down and ends cramps. You can take it 4 times a day or get the kind where you take it before bed to end night time stomach cramping. It also helps with "stress pooping" It will knock you out if you take the dosage to end night time cramps. Sometimes my stomach cramps so bad that if I don't take this I won't/can't sleep.

Everyone here gave some very good suggestions. It's time to put a little distance between yourself and your mother. She is in AL for a reason. It is their responsibility to take care of her needs. Not yours.
Don't answer all her calls. Let her calls go to voicemail and screen them. Return the ones you want at your leisure. Or block her calls entirely and talk to her only when you want to call her.
She wants you to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day. Not only that but she wants you to care for her like a helpless infant and to also share in her misery.
If your health is starting to suffer because of your mother's miserable neediness and mental illness, then it's time for some tough love. Tell the AL they are the ones getting paid to handle her and make them do their job.
My mother is very much like yours except I'm her caregiver and we live in the same house. She has been mentally ill her entire life and it's always gone untreated. Now she is elderly and has some physical illness too. So life here is either like living in a hospice with a moaning dying person who can't breathe (this is one type of performance my mother gives for attention), or it is like living in a mental hospital. The hysterics, semantics, and lunacy is the other type of attention-seeking performance.
I finally got to the point where I just couldn't take anymore. She was working herself up into hysterics and hyperventilating. I told her that I have her POA and was calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital and that I would be having her admitted for a 72 involuntary psychiatric evaluation.
The hysterics and semantics stopped at once. She was able to get herself under control.
This is how you have to handle it. Don't play your mother's games. Don't share in her misery. Stop attending her attention-seeking performances. Your relationship with her will improve.

Does the AL have a doctor who comes into the facility to see the residents? If so, I'd sign your mom up for him or her. It's a huge blessing for mom to be able to sign up to see that doc whenever she wants to, w/o your knowledge or interference, and if you are her POA, the doc can call you afterward to chat! That's what I did with my mother who also had all sorts of 'mystery' illnesses that were only visible to HER and nobody else. Such as 'rashes' that itched her uncontrollably but that the doctor could not see, feel or diagnose. So, after prescribing 20 different lotions and potions, she finally gave her an over the counter product she said would help. I, in the meantime, went out and bought her a can of Dermoplast which is a topical spray with lidocaine in it. Told her, ma, spray the spot that itches you, and voila, the itch magically disappeared. This went on for 2 YEARS by the way!

My mother was also chronically nauseous which had no organic reason to it, and ate Zofran like tic-tac. She eventually developed very bad vertigo to go along with the nausea, and car sickness too, so I had to take her to the ENT doctor dozens of times so they could perform the Epley maneuver on her, to which she'd have a super violent reaction every single time. I hired the PT/OTs at her ALF to help her with the vertigo, and they told me they'd never seen such violent reactions to PT/OT in all their years of experience working with patients! How do you spell histrionics?

Anyway, there are some things that lotions, potions, pills and doctors just can't fix. Have you tried Zofran for your mother? I'm sure you have. The last year of my mother's life, she was complaining about nausea constantly and I attributed it to her GERD. I asked her PCP to prescribe 20 mg of Omeprazole 2x a day, which she eventually increased to 40 mg 2x a day. That did the trick. The other GERD meds were doing nothing to address the situation, but I knew from personal experience about omeprazole.

If that doesn't work, you may want to give her a placebo type thing like tic tacs and tell her they've been proven to work wonders for nausea in elders.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I know that once these types of women get an idea in their heads, you can't chop it out of there with an AXE! :(

My mother is and always has been a drama llama. It's her personality and unfortunately my late father spoiled her. I hope you're able to find a resolution to this.

Its called "Do Not Disturb". I have mine set from 11pm at night till 9am in the morning. You can have just those on your contact list ring thru or no one. Mom will go to VM. Blocking is different, I din't think you get calls at all, the whole reason to block.

Maybe this is an anxiety for Mom. Or like said, a Med is causing the nausea. Is this something new since going into the AL.

Block her number. (You can always unblock it at times you feel able to cope with her).

Answering her calls does nothing to alleviate her mental ill health and buggers up yours. So don't answer them.

Don't misunderstand me. A sounding board can be very important for people who are experiencing this kind of illness; your mother does need someone to talk to, someone she can call and unload on. But not only does it not *have* to be you, arguably it would also be better if it is someone with professional insight, professional boundaries, and perhaps some techniques for weaning her off this behaviour.

The drugs aren't working. Her psychiatrist needs to come up with alternatives. Ideally, alternatives which aren't stock responses and don't necessarily come in a bottle.