Why am I losing my temper all of the time with my Mom? - AgingCare.com

Why am I losing my temper all of the time with my Mom?


I take care of my elderly mother who is in the middle stage of Dementia. I am finding myself being more short with her and fussing at her more than usual. I don't like the person I have become. I was always even tempered and patient...now I am screaming and yelling at her most days and being angry that my father did not make better arrangements for her and him when they were young. She states that it is my duty to take care of her and that she is not leaving her home. The respite care giver I interviewed from the city to come in and supervise her while I am gone really is of little help. They can not administer medication nor can they really get involved in helping my mother with any of her needs. It is just someone who merely babysits in my absence. Other in home caregiving costs a fortune. So I continue to be frustrated and angry and sleep every chance I can get to avoid the pain of doing this alone and not being able to have a life of my own. It has been 10 years now and even the meds I take are not helping that much. I want to be the nurturing daughter but from a distance. Thanks for letting me vent.

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I like this site and a good place to vent.
I lost patience with my mother recently too. I don't think she has dementia. I have been very patience encouraging her to walk or move (she has knee pain and is weak in her muscle, but moving or walking help her build the muscle), but she seems not listening and I just couldn't control myself to yell and scream at her. I have a full time job and I couldn't afford to quit my job with mortgages to pay. Every month I can't even make both ends meet, how can I afford to arrange somebody to look after her while I am at work. My sister said she will come and look after her, but she just comes for an hour or so. My brother came visit last month and he complained that I am not doing a good job, he said try to encourage more and not yell. I did encourage her a lot, but to one point, I just burst.
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All I can say is that you aren't alone in these outbursts and yes, you are burned out...is senior daycare an option? I don't know much about dementia, sorry.

When I read your posts you sound like me...I'm in therapy to deal with my angry outbursts.

It sounds like you need respite care in a hurry..do you have relatives willing to do their share? can you put her in a facility short term?

if I start biting my tongue instead I soon wouldn't have one.
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I appreciate how Eyerishlass puts it - "nurturing ...from a distance" My MIL is in mid-stage dementia and in NH. My husband &his sister can oversee her care (which is very good) plus she enjoys the activities and being with others her age.
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What needs does your mom have that your caregiver isn't helping you with? She should be doing more than just babysitting.

I think, at 10 years, you are approaching burnout. That is a long time to care for someone. If you want to be the nurturing daughter from a distance look into placing your mom in a nursing facility. You'll have to apply for Medicaid so mom can pay for it but it sounds like you need a new plan.
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The middle stages of dementia are the hardest. The person can't live alone anymore, but they try to remain fiercely independent. There is no way of knowing when it will end -- 5 years or 15 years? We don't know. They aren't incapacitated enough to go to a nursing facility, but the cost of assisted living for what may be a long time is so much. It would be nice if everyone had a big, loving family to help, but those seem to be a thing of the past in the US.

It isn't really your duty to take care of your mother. It is just a wonderful thing you do for her out of love. If she doesn't have any savings, it is hard to know what to do unless you are personally wealthy. Do you have any siblings that could help? Since she is in mid stages of dementia, are you still able to get out every day for a while. That really helps. If you can't get out, I think you owe it to yourself to splurge a couple of days a month for a professional caregiver to come in. Having something to look forward to may make a difference.

BTW, I get plenty angry, too. I rarely say anything to her, but I do shoot myself with my finger pistol and bump my head on the bathroom wall quite often. And I am so glad that my rabbits can't tell people all the bad things I say. Raking leaves and chopping wood also does wonders for anger. I would try screaming, but we're in the burbs. The cops would probably be here is 2 minutes. :-/
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