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Everything passes through her including meals and chores. I'm not sure how to get through this. She is very headstrong and stubborn and needs to control all situations. I have no say so in anything and if I do express my feelings I'm being "ridiculous". Not sure how long I can take this.

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I agree with the majority of the comments here. When we are at a standstill, a therapist can help sort things out. We need to set boundaries but it's very hard to do with aging parents who are controlling. Yet, without that - where are you? Please do find someone to discuss the details of your life and your relationship with your mother so that you can figure out appropriate boundaries or alternative care for her, if needed.

Please check back often and let us know how your are doing.
Carol
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Many, many people feel this way in this situation and with justification. After all, your priorities have slid down the pole and are probably at the bottom. but it is no way to face the next years and, of course, we do't know how long that will be.

So, first step, as has already been mentioned her, go to a therapist. I did and all I could say was: what was i waiting for? It helped so much. and I still go if I need to.
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Whether Mom is living with you, or the other way around- you need to establish boundaries for what you feel is reasonable. It's not unusual that she's trying to stay in control of her life (which may be right down to those meals and chores) but you must also assert your ability to control your own life, then do it. Even if she's always been controlling or stubborn, even if you've allowed it to be that way- you don't have to put your life entirely on hold. You can change that.
Figure out what you are willing and able to do, and what you are NOT willing or able to do, then make those limits clear. It might help you to write down (for your own benefit) what those limits are, so you will stick to them yourself. Maybe you and Mom will agree on certain things, but she will balk at others. You have to be firm about this. She won't change right away in her expectations but once she sees that you won't be pushed around, she will adjust because she will have to.
Expect her to resist. It helps if you ask her what's the most important few things to her, because then she won't feel like you're ramming a whole new regime down her throat. You might have to start with a few limits, then gradually add more. Keep the goal in your mind of being the one who is really in charge.
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Yes you may feel you are at a standstill I am in Adelaide Sth Aust Australia looking after my wife with Fronto Lobal dementia we are both 72 doctor says Wendy only has 6 to 12 months. I saw a counsellor 3 weeks ago and visit him weekly he has been very helpful You may wish to correspond on with me
Yes you have to assume control and keep track of things this does involve a lot of work and some people tell me I am a control freak But if I didn't keep a strict diary for carers and doctors and health people plus my own now very much reduced
activiities life would be totally out of control.
Sorry to ramble on but there is life at end of tunnel
Best Wishes Kevin
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Oh, I forgot to mention that I have re-joined my local YMCA, I'm working out every day running and swimming and I also have a hand made card hobby and lots of friends, this activities really help me stay mentally and physically balanced, otherwise, I would be a total wreck.
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Not clear if you and mom live together or how much help she needs? Does she have the means to hire outside caregivers who will do it her way? Would she be happier in a group living situation? Tell us more.

If you are an adult and are in your own home, then things are done your way.
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I have lived with my ma and dad for 9 years, due dad's alzheimers. I was his everything, and I would do it again for dad, but we lost him Jan 13, 2015. During that period through out the years,, i did the same for mom, she is capable, but wanted me to not have a life, she wanted me to be on her every begging call. I was, till arguements starded between us, and told her,, not only do i feel i am at a standstill, but she made me feel like i was in jail. They get to a certain age and feel it is our job now since they took care of us growing up. Dad, had no choice. with dad gone, now it is my sister's turn to take care of my mom, and for me to "get a life"...it is a phase of a co dependant with the spouse ill or gone. Going through it now too since dad is gone...Saying no is ok, u are sending boundries, which i would of wish i would of done.. i hope this helped.. prayers and hugs
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I took care of my mother-in-law for a little over two years.
she had a stroke, was on oxygen, took a lot of pills 3 times a day and had seizures unexpectedly. She needed help to go to the bathroom and to be bathed. We were also raising 3 kids ages 10 months to 11 years. It was hard for both of us, me and mom, at first! After the kids went off to school, I would sit with mom and talk to her. I would ask her about her life and my husband's life and how she raised her own kids. We would snack together, play some cards and basically became more than just in-laws, we became mom and daughter and we became friends.

The point is, mom felt like she was a burden and caused extra work without doing her share and we talked for many hours until it finally came out. She was used to being the caregiver, the boss and she thought this would never happen to her. She wanted to be useful, respected, independent and loved! She was not useless! And that meant being strong. She still had a lot of knowledge and helpful suggestions and she just wanted to be acknowledged.

I cannot tell you how much I grew to love that woman and...she taught me a lot! We lost her in 1998.

Fast forward to today. We live on our daughter's property because my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to the brain and other vital organs and I cannot take care of him alone. She is raising her own family, home schools her children and took on the burden of us. After three months, I could see her wearing down. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad. So....I sat down and talked to her, just recently in fact, and I told her she did not have to feel like she had to be everything. She did not have to check in on us everyday. Take us to his everyday appointments or cook for us!

Here is what she told me. Mom, I don't want dad to think that I have abandoned him or you! So I built up this burden in my mind and I have become overwhelmed!

In my mind, she was treating me like a dawdling old fool! And I resented it! But she didn't know that. She thought she was being the dutiful daughter.

We have a wonderful relationship today because we talked and found the root of the problem.

She has consented for me to set up transportation and she is willing to transport when an extra appointment gets thrown in. You never know what is going on in each others mind until you communicate.

Also, we are planning an at-home spa day!

Talk to your mom.
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I agree that more information is needed. I lived with my dad for 6 mos. after his heart attack. I thought it was going to be for a few weeks at the most. During this period my mom who was definitely battling dementia went off the rails because her routine was completely derailed with me living there. My dad had been the main caregiver and I had NO idea how bad it had gotten although I had been giving my dad a break once a week. When she hit him one time because he wouldn't get out of bed to take her to go eat I knew something had to be done. A week later I put her in a facility and it was ugly. A part of me wanted her to come home but I knew she couldn't and he couldn't take care of her anymore (I'm not sure he would have been able to take her himself). Mine and my husbands life were put on hold for 6 mos. FINALLY I had had enough and knew I had to do something before I went crazy (although my dad is a sweetheart). I gradually started mentioning selling the house, moving into independent living, POA's, Trusts, etc. He didn't understand everything but we finally got it all done. It was a tough 6 mos. It was hard getting him moved out of their home, getting everything in place but at least I felt like I had some control. I still do everything for him and my mom but at least he's living on his own and I'm back at home. Sorry for this long rambling essay but I guess my point is.....don't let it build up like I did. Start with small steps with your mom. If she tells you to flush the toilet a certain way, tell her you don't feel comfortable doing it that way. What's the worse that can happen.....she will tell you "that's ridiculous". If you live together and she can't stay by herself, find a friend or a caregiver to give you some relief for a couple of hours or day. Look into a daycare/respite to take her to. They are so good at finding their mental level and putting them with others that fit. Did she work? They will find "work" that she can do. Might be that she is bored and needs something to do and that's why she picks on you and wants to be in control. Again, sorry for the long answer. Just throwing out what all I have learned. God Bless
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Yes, I have found boundaries are my lifesavers !!! Both my parents are very ill, both 82 yrs old. Mom has Alzheimers and Dad has age-related dementia in addition to their other serious medical conditions. It is a daily task to maintain those boundaries even though I still keep 'eyes in the back of my head' without their knowledge...I have backup plan with their neighbors after I exchanged phone numbers in case of emergencies, on the days that I do not go by them. My parents live with my 60 yr old brother, but my brother is a little 'challenged' since he is an epileptic so I actually oversee all of them, plus my own family. I have a 15yr old son, and my husband is an over the road truck driver. My husband doesn't quite understand that I need to maintain some boundaries; he doesn't understand how demanding and exhausting it can be to take care of TWO parents with dementia-dr appts, phone calls, daily hygiene, shopping, bills, etc....but I know what works for me and MY mindset. I am pretty organized, and so far have found what works for me. One of my concerns is when my parents get more ill but I am certain I will know when the time comes for me to get either a home aide in for them, or have them live in assisted living or something like that. I just am not ready yet to 'throw in the towel'...yes, there are days when I am truly frustrated, exhausted and done with it all. !!! But after a good nights sleep, set a firm boundary of 'I will not be coming to see you for 2 days", then I am ready again to handle whatever they have for me. I have also set aside 1/2 days a week when I do their bills/phone calls and that seems to work good also. My son helps out alot around the house, in addition to his good grades and his football/basketball games. So we make a point of going out to eat once a week, shop once a week to hang out together to reward ourselves for working extra hard on other days. I do my own housework 1/2 a week, grocery shop once a week and our own bills/phone calls 1/2 a week. Is pretty organized. I'm guessing I'll have to adjust that once my folks will require more frequent attention but boundaries will still be needed and I'll cross that when I get to it. But boundaries are essential otherwise it's like all hell has broken loose. I lost alot of sleep in the beginning of taking care of my parents, was running in 20 different directions and felt like a nervous wreck. One day it just struck me that was going to either give me a nervous breakdown, heart attack or get into a car accident because I was going in too many directions at once. So I sat myself down and took another look at the situation, got firm with myself and said 'this is what your situation is, suck it up, organize it, set boundaries and work with it !!! This has worked now for the last year and so far so good. My family says that I am more relaxed, smile and joke around more and actually have found some time for myself. I hope this gives someone some hope , and your own respite care, that it can be done.... Good luck !!! :)
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