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Everything passes through her including meals and chores. I'm not sure how to get through this. She is very headstrong and stubborn and needs to control all situations. I have no say so in anything and if I do express my feelings I'm being "ridiculous". Not sure how long I can take this.

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Diabetes, heart condition go hand in hand with depression. Depression leads to aggression and taking it out on the very person they love and treasure. It is not meant to be mean or hurtful but it is. Is your partner able to work? If not, that could be a real source of depression and he feels useless. Is it possible to try and find something he could do and feel good about himself again? Does he have a hobby or something he could get into? Maybe both of you could? Diabetes cooking classes? Counseling for both of you would be worth a try. Of course if he won't that's on him. But you need a support group and I'm sure the hospital has them. You will find many friends to lean on with good advice. Look into them....please. Everyone is different but support groups were put into place for a reason. It might be that your partner needs to be evaluated again and again for medication/dietary management. I have several friends that live with both these conditions (insulin pump). It is hard but manageable. Something is wrong and it needs to be addressed by a physician. Good Luck and God Bless
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You sound burned out and in great need of a break. It also sounds like you may be the victim of some emotional abuse. It also sounds like you are not eating enough food.

Does he have any other health needs beyond his heart condition and diabetes?

Can you hire someone to come in and look after him in order to give you a break?
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I am new to taking care of someone older than myself. My domestic partner is 61 years old and I work as a switchboard operator in a hospital. I took a burnout quiz because I had suspicions, and I ranked close to the border of high burnout risk and TOAST (Just 2 points away) I don't have a social life, I feel irratible. I have practically cut my food consumption down so he can eat because of his diabetes and heart condition. He badgers me for attention at the worst possible time. It may seem like too much info, but please try not to get grossed out. I havent had sex in over 6 months, and I have picked up smoking again for my nerves. I have no decompression and no outlet and If I didn't keep my hair short I would pull it out. What advice do you give? Should I get out, or stay and hope I regain enough strength to help him? I am at a loss and feel like I'm about to have a nurvous breakdown. Oh and when he doesn't get his way he makes me out to be the bad guy, and I have a lot of love to give.
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twinlaura, my sympathies on the loss of your father. I lost mine 1/21/15. TFandFrustrated, I have been there. I have lived with my parents for the last 10 years. And I felt I had very little control over my life. Since Dad's health was declining, it was Dad, Dad, Dad constantly. Mom feels that "honor thy father and thy mother" incudes the elderly. so not only did dinner, TV etc revolve around Dad, Mom also caters to our 91 y/o neighbor, who is showing some decline. With Dad's passing I have already seen some positive changes. Although we are missing Dad very much, I see Mom doing more for herself, doing things she put off when Dad was around. There's more space to get everyone's needs met. just wanted to share where I was, and that I am experiencing positive changes even during this tough time. I wish the same for you.
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Definitely set limits, make a list either mental or on paper of what you will and won't do. You don't give a lot of details but I can relate. As we age, many seniors may become fearful of losing control, that's why it's so important to them to maintain control of everything they can. By older age, we're set in our ways and don't even want to look at alternatives. Maybe you can start a new family 'tradition' where one week one person makes decision (for meals or whatever), the next week another person makes the decisions. What ever works for you and your family. Most of us are in the same boat, the one where life revolves around our loved ones. Get some alone time and figure what you can live with, some things you can present to others such as setting boundaries. I ask myself, 'what's the worst thing that could happen if he/she', and often I let my dad 'have his way' because it's just little stuff. For me, the what's the worst that can happen has taken away a lot of the anxiety and helped me to realize I don't need control over ....... So what if dad only wants potatoes he can have them. I learned a long time ago from a dietitian, it doesn't really matter what they eat (the elderly) as long as they eat. What's the worst that can happen if he eats potatoes for a week? Nothing, next week he's back to eating regular meals. Each of us has our limits, sometimes joking around can ease a tense situation. Just remember you are not alone in your caregiving duties and I'm sure many of us have had those moments, but you can do this. Let her have control, what's the worst that can happen?
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Good words from Cindy T2015 ! Unfortunately, many Moms, parents, etc. are not open to converse, and will never get it. Glad you had good communication. It is the exception- but I believe it's possible, IF both parties are willing to talk and are alert enough to comprehend.
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If it wasn't for my husband my life would be consumed with moms needs.
I did not move her in with me. (good decision). Mom has always been a pessimist. If she had a test for cancer she immediately started telling people she had cancer. And that was BEFORE the dementia began to show itself.
There are a lot of problems, as her lack of money, she has a dog which she won't take outside, makes her use puppy pads, she is lonely but won't reach out to others in her retirement home, needs more care but can't see it. All her family and most of her friends are dead. I'm the only one she has. People who promised to "do anything to help" won't even come to visit anymore. So, myself and one long time friend try to spend time with her. And, of course, it's not enough. My husband tries to help me draw lines with her to have some control over my own life. My story is so much likes others' on this sight. It does help to have a place to go. With mom in a retirement home I can walk out if she is too abusive to me. Which I've done a few times in the last 2 years since I had to take over her care. I moved her 15 minutes away instead of 50 so I can leave and come back later. It has saved me from saying things I will regret. God Bless us all!
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I understand how you feel. My mom was in a nursing/skilled nursing facility for about 2 and one have years. There were times when I wanted to be there for her and there were times when I needed time for myself. I believe that you need to take that time in order to really be there when our loved ones need us the most. My mom died three weeks ago and I have no regrets. The memories I have of our time spent together are not replaceable. Love your mom, but also love yourself enough to recharge your batteries. Also, know that nothing really controls us but what we allow to control.
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In all honesty, I feel like my life is somewhat at a standstill, too. I did not want to retire and become a nurse to my mother and husband. but then came to incentive package from my employers and , being the need so great at home, I retired. My day does not have as much structure as it did, lots of visits to AL and to labs and to doctors, more labs, prescriptions, etc, etc.

So, I have done one thing to make me feel like my life is moving forward. Don't laugh: I am reading the biographies of all the presidents, starting with George Washington. I am up to Madison now. This is a great "goal" for the situation because I can read whenever I have time, take to books to appointments, and I feel like I am "making progress." And it is REALLY interesting.
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I took care of my mother-in-law for a little over two years.
she had a stroke, was on oxygen, took a lot of pills 3 times a day and had seizures unexpectedly. She needed help to go to the bathroom and to be bathed. We were also raising 3 kids ages 10 months to 11 years. It was hard for both of us, me and mom, at first! After the kids went off to school, I would sit with mom and talk to her. I would ask her about her life and my husband's life and how she raised her own kids. We would snack together, play some cards and basically became more than just in-laws, we became mom and daughter and we became friends.

The point is, mom felt like she was a burden and caused extra work without doing her share and we talked for many hours until it finally came out. She was used to being the caregiver, the boss and she thought this would never happen to her. She wanted to be useful, respected, independent and loved! She was not useless! And that meant being strong. She still had a lot of knowledge and helpful suggestions and she just wanted to be acknowledged.

I cannot tell you how much I grew to love that woman and...she taught me a lot! We lost her in 1998.

Fast forward to today. We live on our daughter's property because my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to the brain and other vital organs and I cannot take care of him alone. She is raising her own family, home schools her children and took on the burden of us. After three months, I could see her wearing down. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad. So....I sat down and talked to her, just recently in fact, and I told her she did not have to feel like she had to be everything. She did not have to check in on us everyday. Take us to his everyday appointments or cook for us!

Here is what she told me. Mom, I don't want dad to think that I have abandoned him or you! So I built up this burden in my mind and I have become overwhelmed!

In my mind, she was treating me like a dawdling old fool! And I resented it! But she didn't know that. She thought she was being the dutiful daughter.

We have a wonderful relationship today because we talked and found the root of the problem.

She has consented for me to set up transportation and she is willing to transport when an extra appointment gets thrown in. You never know what is going on in each others mind until you communicate.

Also, we are planning an at-home spa day!

Talk to your mom.
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My 2 cents about boundaries is that they are not tools for changing people, but for self-defense and unless they have concrete consequences for when they are broken, they are useless. Very seldom does a person whose being boundaried ever gain enough self-insight to change and most likely they never will, but you don't have to dance their emotional dance with them.
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Here's my take on the consult a 'therapist' advice. I'd love to; no $$$, no therapist and we are back at square one. Just like middle-eastern political relations, you cannot set boundaries nor confer with those who are not interested in respecting those boundaries or conferring with you. (Care recipient.) All you can do is all you can do; and all you can do is enough.
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ciciseven, I agree a caregiver needs a break. However you can't get help from Medicaid when you're parent/parents/spouse are Medicare. You will have to pay and pay dearly for hands on help.

As far as neighbors go, perhaps if they're long time friends and neighbors that is doable. But these days many Americans barely know who lives next door.

That's also a lot to ask of even a neighbor you know well on a regular basis. I don't think too many would want to be doing this every week for several hours a day, unless you paid them.

I remember when taking care of my parents the lady next door was one of these "if you ever need anything let me know" types, well one day I needed help, mom was in one hospital, dad was going into another. I needed to get back to the hospital mom was in, and I asked "could you please take my dad over to the hospital in the morning"...I had to get back to where mom was 30 miles away.

Well she did it, but I could tell it was not something she wanted to do, and I hated asking, but I was in a bind.

Neighbors can and will only do so much, as they should. It's not their issue.
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I agree that more information is needed. I lived with my dad for 6 mos. after his heart attack. I thought it was going to be for a few weeks at the most. During this period my mom who was definitely battling dementia went off the rails because her routine was completely derailed with me living there. My dad had been the main caregiver and I had NO idea how bad it had gotten although I had been giving my dad a break once a week. When she hit him one time because he wouldn't get out of bed to take her to go eat I knew something had to be done. A week later I put her in a facility and it was ugly. A part of me wanted her to come home but I knew she couldn't and he couldn't take care of her anymore (I'm not sure he would have been able to take her himself). Mine and my husbands life were put on hold for 6 mos. FINALLY I had had enough and knew I had to do something before I went crazy (although my dad is a sweetheart). I gradually started mentioning selling the house, moving into independent living, POA's, Trusts, etc. He didn't understand everything but we finally got it all done. It was a tough 6 mos. It was hard getting him moved out of their home, getting everything in place but at least I felt like I had some control. I still do everything for him and my mom but at least he's living on his own and I'm back at home. Sorry for this long rambling essay but I guess my point is.....don't let it build up like I did. Start with small steps with your mom. If she tells you to flush the toilet a certain way, tell her you don't feel comfortable doing it that way. What's the worse that can happen.....she will tell you "that's ridiculous". If you live together and she can't stay by herself, find a friend or a caregiver to give you some relief for a couple of hours or day. Look into a daycare/respite to take her to. They are so good at finding their mental level and putting them with others that fit. Did she work? They will find "work" that she can do. Might be that she is bored and needs something to do and that's why she picks on you and wants to be in control. Again, sorry for the long answer. Just throwing out what all I have learned. God Bless
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I believe that the only way a person can have a life as a caretaker and maintain sanity is by getting a few days off to be themselves. Go to the state medicaid office and ask about elder care programs available or a homecare nurse or trustworthy neibhor they can take it from 9-5 and then they get to go home, giving you a break.
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Some therapists will charge on a sliding scale according to one's ability to pay if they have no insurance.

Sometimes people get stuck in their therapy journey because they have hit an emotional wall they are ready to deal with yet. Therapy is hard work for both the therapist and the client. It can be very helpful particularly if there is a good fit between the therapist and the person as well as how eager and open the person is to proceed.
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Yes, I have found boundaries are my lifesavers !!! Both my parents are very ill, both 82 yrs old. Mom has Alzheimers and Dad has age-related dementia in addition to their other serious medical conditions. It is a daily task to maintain those boundaries even though I still keep 'eyes in the back of my head' without their knowledge...I have backup plan with their neighbors after I exchanged phone numbers in case of emergencies, on the days that I do not go by them. My parents live with my 60 yr old brother, but my brother is a little 'challenged' since he is an epileptic so I actually oversee all of them, plus my own family. I have a 15yr old son, and my husband is an over the road truck driver. My husband doesn't quite understand that I need to maintain some boundaries; he doesn't understand how demanding and exhausting it can be to take care of TWO parents with dementia-dr appts, phone calls, daily hygiene, shopping, bills, etc....but I know what works for me and MY mindset. I am pretty organized, and so far have found what works for me. One of my concerns is when my parents get more ill but I am certain I will know when the time comes for me to get either a home aide in for them, or have them live in assisted living or something like that. I just am not ready yet to 'throw in the towel'...yes, there are days when I am truly frustrated, exhausted and done with it all. !!! But after a good nights sleep, set a firm boundary of 'I will not be coming to see you for 2 days", then I am ready again to handle whatever they have for me. I have also set aside 1/2 days a week when I do their bills/phone calls and that seems to work good also. My son helps out alot around the house, in addition to his good grades and his football/basketball games. So we make a point of going out to eat once a week, shop once a week to hang out together to reward ourselves for working extra hard on other days. I do my own housework 1/2 a week, grocery shop once a week and our own bills/phone calls 1/2 a week. Is pretty organized. I'm guessing I'll have to adjust that once my folks will require more frequent attention but boundaries will still be needed and I'll cross that when I get to it. But boundaries are essential otherwise it's like all hell has broken loose. I lost alot of sleep in the beginning of taking care of my parents, was running in 20 different directions and felt like a nervous wreck. One day it just struck me that was going to either give me a nervous breakdown, heart attack or get into a car accident because I was going in too many directions at once. So I sat myself down and took another look at the situation, got firm with myself and said 'this is what your situation is, suck it up, organize it, set boundaries and work with it !!! This has worked now for the last year and so far so good. My family says that I am more relaxed, smile and joke around more and actually have found some time for myself. I hope this gives someone some hope , and your own respite care, that it can be done.... Good luck !!! :)
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Yes therapy can be very expensive if you dont have good insurance for it...which is sad when there are so many folks in this situation who would benefit greatly from it. I have thought about it several times but cant afford it at all. Support groups may be an alternative for me...not one on one time with a therapist, but an outlet to discuss issues and gain needed support.
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Carole,

That was awesome. I like your prayer at the end.

I have a $10 co-pay for my therapy--and it is soooooooooooooooo helpful. I have made big important decisions with his help. I will never regret it.
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Therapy can be great, but it is also very costly. And many times it isn't covered by insurance. People are always so quick to suggest that, well if you're looking at $150 an hour that's a nice chunk of change. Especially if you go once a week or twice a month.

I have a relative who has been in therapy for years, she just turned 60 and still talks about things that happened 40yrs ago, still angry about them, so I don't see how it has done much good in her case. Therapy can be hit or miss, but either way it is expensive.

Think the OP who wasn't very clear what the issues are should set up some boundaries and look for advice online for starters.
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I agree with others who have suggested that you set boundaries. Yes, it is hard because we all want to help our parents until we're exhausted and/or financially "drained"--but even when we over-extend ourselves to help them, they want more of our time and attention. I've come to think my dad would like to have me/him "joined at the hip." About a year and a half ago (after 2 1/2 years of total subservience to my dad), I told my brother/sister and sister who lives out of state that I could no longer provide dad the level of care I had been since mom passed away (2 1/2 years ago). At that point, the sister who lives out of state stepped up and took on a ton of "caregiving" tasks, and the brother/sister who have done absolutely nothing to help dad (except to inquire how much $$ they'll get when he dies) did what they have always done--nothing. After a couple of months of not having me at his beck and call, dad agreed to hire a caregiver who is a distant relative; she stays with him 3 nights a week, cleans his house, picks up groceries, etc. I visit dad once/week (Friday evening after work so I have weekends for my own household tasks) for 2-5 hours and I call him every evening to check on him. Every so often he'll say he doesn't need the caregiver so much and tries to get me to stop over another time or two during the week. I have to be strong and say "no" because this would morph right back into the situation I had 1 1/2 years ago. He's tried calling me with an "emergency" and I race to his home from my office (65 miles away) only to find he's lonely. After that happened twice (even though he has a medical alert necklace that he wears but refuses to use), I established the rule that "if you call me with an emergency I'll come--BUT I immediately take you to the ER for a check up, or I call 911 to have paramedics race to your home and you will be going to the hospital for a checkup--to make sure you're really okay" and that put a stop to non-emergency calls. I've found--with other things such as his request to weed his yard when he can afford yard care or clean his house when he can afford a housekeeper--that I have to say "no I can no longer do that" three separate times/visits. At that point, he seems to understand the answer is "no" and he hires someone to do that. Each week when I drive into his driveway, I take a moment to say a brief prayer that God grant me the strength to care for him with love, say no to him with strength and conviction, and to remember that one day he will be "gone." So...take a deep breath, set your boundaries with love but strength, and begin to say "no" to some of your parent's requests. It's hard--but remember, you are not alone, you have this site (a blessing) and we're all here to help you even if you only need us to "listen" once in a while.
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I agree with the advice about discussing this in therapy...I can understand what you're experiencing and my therapist has given me this challenge: identify whether your mother's request is a need or a want. If it is a want you can say "Mom, I'm busy with something right now...can it wait ten minutes?" If you're like me you'll explode by the time it gets to a request/demand every other minute..this would drive the post patient person insane...

I was never good at boundaries because mom is a narcissist and expects all her demands be treated as emergencies. Boundaries were never honored, just seen as rebellion or being mean to her...I've learned that boundaries are saving my life .
Are you setting boundaries with her? How does she react? Do you feel safe?
The more you can set boundaries she will hopefully get that you have needs too.

Best of luck and let us know how it's going😀
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I am in the same situation. It is very hard. My dad says it is my duty to live with him and take care of him. My family expects it because I am single and my kids are grown and I also don't have a job right now so of course it falls to me. No matter what his health condition he just keeps going and going and going and so I am looking at possibly 5 to 10 more years of being his house slave. I wish I felt like it was something I want to do but it is not and every time I come up with a plan based on things I see on this site he will go along with it for a day or two and then changes his mind. I am just going to have to force him to move into an independent senior community and go from there. He won't like it and he will be mad but I don't feel that I have to give up the rest of my life. I feel like I will be a caregiver that dies before the person they're caring for. Like everyone said if you can set boundaries and stick to them even though you feel guilty or the person is mad try to do that. I am going to try to find a therapist also.
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TFand Frustrated: I'm guessing the control issue was a big thing while you were growing up too. Now here it is again in spades. These sorts of issues can be so compelling, especially when laid in young, that they can eat up your entire relationship with your mom. Makes it difficult to maintain perspective without counseling support. I'm recommending it for both of us. Ha! Many thanks for your question.
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To Laura. I read your post above and would just like for you to know I understand completely what you have been and are going through. My sympathies on your Dad's passing. My sisters and I have been taking care of our Mom since January 2007. That is 8 long years, and we are now starting on year 9. She has gone down steadily, little by little now for what seems forever. Yes, I feel like I have been in jail. If I had it to do over,I would not want to. I fact, I would not. I would get rid of all her assets in a legal way and have her taken care of. It wouldn't matter now, anyway. She doesn't know much of what is going on and wouldn't care who was taking care of her. In the last two or three weeks, she had taken a turn for the worse. She has curled up into a ball sometimes so tightly we and our caretakers (she is still at home and we have some part time help) can hardly straighten her out to change her clothes. She has all but stopped eating and drinking. Only thing, her heart is strong and she doesn't seem to have anything wrong that could kill her. Of course if she stops eating that will be it. The hospice nurse has told us not to try to make her eat and not to wake her up to feed her. I feel very guilty for thinking that it will be such a relief for us when she dies. People don't understand unless they have "been there." Seems like you have do e your duty and it is time for your sister to take over. Thank goodness, my sisters and I have worked together and have had very few disagreements. Good luck with your Mom. I encourage you not to do as I have and give up your life. I have spent my whole 60's helping take care of her. Hopefully I am about to get out of jail.
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OP(who never came back) if you're asking for advice try including some information. I guess we can assume "she" is your mother. Other than that you provide no information in regards to living arrangements, what's being asked of you, etc.

No one can give you any advice or ideas when do you a thread like this one.
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If you can get someone to step in and help you once in awhile. That will help you can get a break and have a chance to regroup, I was a caregiver for my Grandma for 22 years. she lived to be 100 and although we had a lot of bad days. I only remember the good days since she's been gone. Hang in there you will be blessed for your actions, and feel good because YOU know you did all you could to help your love one out!
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Like Trailblazer I am caring for an older husband with dementia. He is90 and I am 65. My life is on hold and the hardest part is that I don't know how long this will persist or how much worse it will get. I wish I knew how much longer this would go on so I could pace myself. He is a good man and I still feel live but he is definitely
Not the brilliant independent man I married. This website has really helped me and I am thankful to be able to check in every day.
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KevinP thank you for your input I am dealing with both frontal and rear can't remember the proper words with my husband he is 87 years old 20 years older than myself, I know what everyone means about putting life on hold my husband is a hard person to care for very demanding and controlling so much so that it has finally taken a toll on my health, I was rushed to ER two weeks ago thought is was having heart attack but thank God not had angiography and I have a very weak heart and artries from stress mainly, am on 2 meds to try and strengthen it so I am having to try and think of me he's been a bit better but he just don't get it when I tell him I cannot do whatever he is trying to force me to do, and I am trying to learn to just walk away rather than argue it's really hard but I have to as if I don't dr.says I could end up in a full blown heart attack, I cannot be away I have 3 little fur babies that are my life plus him to care for, I just needed to vent have talked with a few others on here its a great site many thanks to all and good luck to all going through these tough times I keep just praying for God's will to be done.
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How old are you? How old is your mother? If you are an adult you have the right to choose what you will accept or reject. It is YOUR choice to make your life what you choose to make it.
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