I feel like my life is at a standstill except for what is important to my Mom. Any advice?

Not clear if you and mom live together or how much help she needs? Does she have the means to hire outside caregivers who will do it her way? Would she be happier in a group living situation? Tell us more.

If you are an adult and are in your own home, then things are done your way.

Whether Mom is living with you, or the other way around- you need to establish boundaries for what you feel is reasonable. It's not unusual that she's trying to stay in control of her life (which may be right down to those meals and chores) but you must also assert your ability to control your own life, then do it. Even if she's always been controlling or stubborn, even if you've allowed it to be that way- you don't have to put your life entirely on hold. You can change that.
Figure out what you are willing and able to do, and what you are NOT willing or able to do, then make those limits clear. It might help you to write down (for your own benefit) what those limits are, so you will stick to them yourself. Maybe you and Mom will agree on certain things, but she will balk at others. You have to be firm about this. She won't change right away in her expectations but once she sees that you won't be pushed around, she will adjust because she will have to.
Expect her to resist. It helps if you ask her what's the most important few things to her, because then she won't feel like you're ramming a whole new regime down her throat. You might have to start with a few limits, then gradually add more. Keep the goal in your mind of being the one who is really in charge.

Yes you may feel you are at a standstill I am in Adelaide Sth Aust Australia looking after my wife with Fronto Lobal dementia we are both 72 doctor says Wendy only has 6 to 12 months. I saw a counsellor 3 weeks ago and visit him weekly he has been very helpful You may wish to correspond on with me
Yes you have to assume control and keep track of things this does involve a lot of work and some people tell me I am a control freak But if I didn't keep a strict diary for carers and doctors and health people plus my own now very much reduced
activiities life would be totally out of control.
Sorry to ramble on but there is life at end of tunnel
Best Wishes Kevin

For what I gather by the limited information you gave in your note, either you live with your mother or she lives with you but, regardless of whom house it is, you are the care giver and things need to be done your way. Please let us know what age is your mother, why are you caring for her. Does she have any illnesses like dementia or any other debilitating disease? What about your siblings or her siblings. Who is paying for her needs? Can she afford to hire someone to help out or maybe go to an assisted living facility?
Look, caring for an elderly parent with mental illnesses is hard and frustrating, there is no way to disguise it so you need help and also, and probably more important, you need to help yourself stay healthy both physically and mentally or else you wont be able do what it's needed.
Please, when you read this answers, let us know a bit more of your situation so we can give you some advise. I'm just telling you this because I have my 91 year old mother with dementia living with my husband and I since February of 2012. I'm the only one caring for her personally every day but my husband of 41 years and my youngest daughter, who lives next door, help a lot, my siblings have totally forgotten about us, they don't give a rat's a... about this situation so I stopped asking, I haven't talk to either of them in more than 2 years.
You need to find a way to do something you love to do, if you don't take care of yourself, you wont be able to care for your mother.
I hope you can give us a bit more information.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have re-joined my local YMCA, I'm working out every day running and swimming and I also have a hand made card hobby and lots of friends, this activities really help me stay mentally and physically balanced, otherwise, I would be a total wreck.

Give A Hug keep your chin up our siblings deserted us when Wendy started her Fronto Lobel Dementia If I can help my e-mail address is above Best Wishes Kevin

I have lived with my ma and dad for 9 years, due dad's alzheimers. I was his everything, and I would do it again for dad, but we lost him Jan 13, 2015. During that period through out the years,, i did the same for mom, she is capable, but wanted me to not have a life, she wanted me to be on her every begging call. I was, till arguements starded between us, and told her,, not only do i feel i am at a standstill, but she made me feel like i was in jail. They get to a certain age and feel it is our job now since they took care of us growing up. Dad, had no choice. with dad gone, now it is my sister's turn to take care of my mom, and for me to "get a life"...it is a phase of a co dependant with the spouse ill or gone. Going through it now too since dad is gone...Saying no is ok, u are sending boundries, which i would of wish i would of done.. i hope this helped.. prayers and hugs

Many, many people feel this way in this situation and with justification. After all, your priorities have slid down the pole and are probably at the bottom. but it is no way to face the next years and, of course, we do't know how long that will be.

So, first step, as has already been mentioned her, go to a therapist. I did and all I could say was: what was i waiting for? It helped so much. and I still go if I need to.

I agree with the majority of the comments here. When we are at a standstill, a therapist can help sort things out. We need to set boundaries but it's very hard to do with aging parents who are controlling. Yet, without that - where are you? Please do find someone to discuss the details of your life and your relationship with your mother so that you can figure out appropriate boundaries or alternative care for her, if needed.

Please check back often and let us know how your are doing.
Carol

HI Kevin,

I just wanted to mention that "Give a Hug" is an option, not a name. The names are above the "Give a Hug." If you click on "Give a Hug," you will see that you can send a little "hug" and message.

Hang in there. It sounds like you really have your hands full. It is so cool that this site let's us talk over so many miles! I am in central Pennsylvania--just a few stops before the end of the universe..

My MILlives with us and has dementia. My wife and I have very little time together as her mother is demanding. I know it is the dementia,but that doesn't make it easy. I wish I had an answer for you. We tried to set limits which she ignores unless one of us happen to be in the room.

It always makes me feel good when people suggest going to a therapist or counselor. That is what my work is, and I have quite a few clients who really need to learn how to set limits with others (not just elderly loved ones). I will openly admit that it's taught me to be better about doing that, myself. When I hear myself working with someone who 'can't say no' or feels guilty if they do, or puts themselves last all the time, it's a reminder to myself to do the same.
But sometimes, maybe most of the time, we need to hear someone tell us it's OK to: stop feeling guilty, say no and mean it, stop being a doormat, stop waiting for others to pitch in, etc, etc. This forum is excellent, but having your own special person and time, to be 'heard' and helped, is priceless. I have my own therapist, too. Most of us in this profession do, because we know it helps. We find the time or make the time to go and unload our heads and hearts. Do it for yourself.

Inch your way to get out to do something for yourself. Start out by going to a neighborhood mall or restaurant just to sit and relax and learn to breathe again. Tell you mom you have you cell phone on and you're just around the corner if she needs to get ahold of you. This is what I do and it makes all the difference in th world. Blessings!

How old are you? How old is your mother? If you are an adult you have the right to choose what you will accept or reject. It is YOUR choice to make your life what you choose to make it.

KevinP thank you for your input I am dealing with both frontal and rear can't remember the proper words with my husband he is 87 years old 20 years older than myself, I know what everyone means about putting life on hold my husband is a hard person to care for very demanding and controlling so much so that it has finally taken a toll on my health, I was rushed to ER two weeks ago thought is was having heart attack but thank God not had angiography and I have a very weak heart and artries from stress mainly, am on 2 meds to try and strengthen it so I am having to try and think of me he's been a bit better but he just don't get it when I tell him I cannot do whatever he is trying to force me to do, and I am trying to learn to just walk away rather than argue it's really hard but I have to as if I don't dr.says I could end up in a full blown heart attack, I cannot be away I have 3 little fur babies that are my life plus him to care for, I just needed to vent have talked with a few others on here its a great site many thanks to all and good luck to all going through these tough times I keep just praying for God's will to be done.

Like Trailblazer I am caring for an older husband with dementia. He is90 and I am 65. My life is on hold and the hardest part is that I don't know how long this will persist or how much worse it will get. I wish I knew how much longer this would go on so I could pace myself. He is a good man and I still feel live but he is definitely
Not the brilliant independent man I married. This website has really helped me and I am thankful to be able to check in every day.

If you can get someone to step in and help you once in awhile. That will help you can get a break and have a chance to regroup, I was a caregiver for my Grandma for 22 years. she lived to be 100 and although we had a lot of bad days. I only remember the good days since she's been gone. Hang in there you will be blessed for your actions, and feel good because YOU know you did all you could to help your love one out!

OP(who never came back) if you're asking for advice try including some information. I guess we can assume "she" is your mother. Other than that you provide no information in regards to living arrangements, what's being asked of you, etc.

No one can give you any advice or ideas when do you a thread like this one.

To Laura. I read your post above and would just like for you to know I understand completely what you have been and are going through. My sympathies on your Dad's passing. My sisters and I have been taking care of our Mom since January 2007. That is 8 long years, and we are now starting on year 9. She has gone down steadily, little by little now for what seems forever. Yes, I feel like I have been in jail. If I had it to do over,I would not want to. I fact, I would not. I would get rid of all her assets in a legal way and have her taken care of. It wouldn't matter now, anyway. She doesn't know much of what is going on and wouldn't care who was taking care of her. In the last two or three weeks, she had taken a turn for the worse. She has curled up into a ball sometimes so tightly we and our caretakers (she is still at home and we have some part time help) can hardly straighten her out to change her clothes. She has all but stopped eating and drinking. Only thing, her heart is strong and she doesn't seem to have anything wrong that could kill her. Of course if she stops eating that will be it. The hospice nurse has told us not to try to make her eat and not to wake her up to feed her. I feel very guilty for thinking that it will be such a relief for us when she dies. People don't understand unless they have "been there." Seems like you have do e your duty and it is time for your sister to take over. Thank goodness, my sisters and I have worked together and have had very few disagreements. Good luck with your Mom. I encourage you not to do as I have and give up your life. I have spent my whole 60's helping take care of her. Hopefully I am about to get out of jail.

TFand Frustrated: I'm guessing the control issue was a big thing while you were growing up too. Now here it is again in spades. These sorts of issues can be so compelling, especially when laid in young, that they can eat up your entire relationship with your mom. Makes it difficult to maintain perspective without counseling support. I'm recommending it for both of us. Ha! Many thanks for your question.

I am in the same situation. It is very hard. My dad says it is my duty to live with him and take care of him. My family expects it because I am single and my kids are grown and I also don't have a job right now so of course it falls to me. No matter what his health condition he just keeps going and going and going and so I am looking at possibly 5 to 10 more years of being his house slave. I wish I felt like it was something I want to do but it is not and every time I come up with a plan based on things I see on this site he will go along with it for a day or two and then changes his mind. I am just going to have to force him to move into an independent senior community and go from there. He won't like it and he will be mad but I don't feel that I have to give up the rest of my life. I feel like I will be a caregiver that dies before the person they're caring for. Like everyone said if you can set boundaries and stick to them even though you feel guilty or the person is mad try to do that. I am going to try to find a therapist also.

I agree with the advice about discussing this in therapy...I can understand what you're experiencing and my therapist has given me this challenge: identify whether your mother's request is a need or a want. If it is a want you can say "Mom, I'm busy with something right now...can it wait ten minutes?" If you're like me you'll explode by the time it gets to a request/demand every other minute..this would drive the post patient person insane...

I was never good at boundaries because mom is a narcissist and expects all her demands be treated as emergencies. Boundaries were never honored, just seen as rebellion or being mean to her...I've learned that boundaries are saving my life .
Are you setting boundaries with her? How does she react? Do you feel safe?
The more you can set boundaries she will hopefully get that you have needs too.

Best of luck and let us know how it's going😀

I agree with others who have suggested that you set boundaries. Yes, it is hard because we all want to help our parents until we're exhausted and/or financially "drained"--but even when we over-extend ourselves to help them, they want more of our time and attention. I've come to think my dad would like to have me/him "joined at the hip." About a year and a half ago (after 2 1/2 years of total subservience to my dad), I told my brother/sister and sister who lives out of state that I could no longer provide dad the level of care I had been since mom passed away (2 1/2 years ago). At that point, the sister who lives out of state stepped up and took on a ton of "caregiving" tasks, and the brother/sister who have done absolutely nothing to help dad (except to inquire how much $$ they'll get when he dies) did what they have always done--nothing. After a couple of months of not having me at his beck and call, dad agreed to hire a caregiver who is a distant relative; she stays with him 3 nights a week, cleans his house, picks up groceries, etc. I visit dad once/week (Friday evening after work so I have weekends for my own household tasks) for 2-5 hours and I call him every evening to check on him. Every so often he'll say he doesn't need the caregiver so much and tries to get me to stop over another time or two during the week. I have to be strong and say "no" because this would morph right back into the situation I had 1 1/2 years ago. He's tried calling me with an "emergency" and I race to his home from my office (65 miles away) only to find he's lonely. After that happened twice (even though he has a medical alert necklace that he wears but refuses to use), I established the rule that "if you call me with an emergency I'll come--BUT I immediately take you to the ER for a check up, or I call 911 to have paramedics race to your home and you will be going to the hospital for a checkup--to make sure you're really okay" and that put a stop to non-emergency calls. I've found--with other things such as his request to weed his yard when he can afford yard care or clean his house when he can afford a housekeeper--that I have to say "no I can no longer do that" three separate times/visits. At that point, he seems to understand the answer is "no" and he hires someone to do that. Each week when I drive into his driveway, I take a moment to say a brief prayer that God grant me the strength to care for him with love, say no to him with strength and conviction, and to remember that one day he will be "gone." So...take a deep breath, set your boundaries with love but strength, and begin to say "no" to some of your parent's requests. It's hard--but remember, you are not alone, you have this site (a blessing) and we're all here to help you even if you only need us to "listen" once in a while.

Therapy can be great, but it is also very costly. And many times it isn't covered by insurance. People are always so quick to suggest that, well if you're looking at $150 an hour that's a nice chunk of change. Especially if you go once a week or twice a month.

I have a relative who has been in therapy for years, she just turned 60 and still talks about things that happened 40yrs ago, still angry about them, so I don't see how it has done much good in her case. Therapy can be hit or miss, but either way it is expensive.

Think the OP who wasn't very clear what the issues are should set up some boundaries and look for advice online for starters.

Carole,

That was awesome. I like your prayer at the end.

I have a $10 co-pay for my therapy--and it is soooooooooooooooo helpful. I have made big important decisions with his help. I will never regret it.

Yes therapy can be very expensive if you dont have good insurance for it...which is sad when there are so many folks in this situation who would benefit greatly from it. I have thought about it several times but cant afford it at all. Support groups may be an alternative for me...not one on one time with a therapist, but an outlet to discuss issues and gain needed support.

Yes, I have found boundaries are my lifesavers !!! Both my parents are very ill, both 82 yrs old. Mom has Alzheimers and Dad has age-related dementia in addition to their other serious medical conditions. It is a daily task to maintain those boundaries even though I still keep 'eyes in the back of my head' without their knowledge...I have backup plan with their neighbors after I exchanged phone numbers in case of emergencies, on the days that I do not go by them. My parents live with my 60 yr old brother, but my brother is a little 'challenged' since he is an epileptic so I actually oversee all of them, plus my own family. I have a 15yr old son, and my husband is an over the road truck driver. My husband doesn't quite understand that I need to maintain some boundaries; he doesn't understand how demanding and exhausting it can be to take care of TWO parents with dementia-dr appts, phone calls, daily hygiene, shopping, bills, etc....but I know what works for me and MY mindset. I am pretty organized, and so far have found what works for me. One of my concerns is when my parents get more ill but I am certain I will know when the time comes for me to get either a home aide in for them, or have them live in assisted living or something like that. I just am not ready yet to 'throw in the towel'...yes, there are days when I am truly frustrated, exhausted and done with it all. !!! But after a good nights sleep, set a firm boundary of 'I will not be coming to see you for 2 days", then I am ready again to handle whatever they have for me. I have also set aside 1/2 days a week when I do their bills/phone calls and that seems to work good also. My son helps out alot around the house, in addition to his good grades and his football/basketball games. So we make a point of going out to eat once a week, shop once a week to hang out together to reward ourselves for working extra hard on other days. I do my own housework 1/2 a week, grocery shop once a week and our own bills/phone calls 1/2 a week. Is pretty organized. I'm guessing I'll have to adjust that once my folks will require more frequent attention but boundaries will still be needed and I'll cross that when I get to it. But boundaries are essential otherwise it's like all hell has broken loose. I lost alot of sleep in the beginning of taking care of my parents, was running in 20 different directions and felt like a nervous wreck. One day it just struck me that was going to either give me a nervous breakdown, heart attack or get into a car accident because I was going in too many directions at once. So I sat myself down and took another look at the situation, got firm with myself and said 'this is what your situation is, suck it up, organize it, set boundaries and work with it !!! This has worked now for the last year and so far so good. My family says that I am more relaxed, smile and joke around more and actually have found some time for myself. I hope this gives someone some hope , and your own respite care, that it can be done.... Good luck !!! :)

Some therapists will charge on a sliding scale according to one's ability to pay if they have no insurance.

Sometimes people get stuck in their therapy journey because they have hit an emotional wall they are ready to deal with yet. Therapy is hard work for both the therapist and the client. It can be very helpful particularly if there is a good fit between the therapist and the person as well as how eager and open the person is to proceed.

I believe that the only way a person can have a life as a caretaker and maintain sanity is by getting a few days off to be themselves. Go to the state medicaid office and ask about elder care programs available or a homecare nurse or trustworthy neibhor they can take it from 9-5 and then they get to go home, giving you a break.

I agree that more information is needed. I lived with my dad for 6 mos. after his heart attack. I thought it was going to be for a few weeks at the most. During this period my mom who was definitely battling dementia went off the rails because her routine was completely derailed with me living there. My dad had been the main caregiver and I had NO idea how bad it had gotten although I had been giving my dad a break once a week. When she hit him one time because he wouldn't get out of bed to take her to go eat I knew something had to be done. A week later I put her in a facility and it was ugly. A part of me wanted her to come home but I knew she couldn't and he couldn't take care of her anymore (I'm not sure he would have been able to take her himself). Mine and my husbands life were put on hold for 6 mos. FINALLY I had had enough and knew I had to do something before I went crazy (although my dad is a sweetheart). I gradually started mentioning selling the house, moving into independent living, POA's, Trusts, etc. He didn't understand everything but we finally got it all done. It was a tough 6 mos. It was hard getting him moved out of their home, getting everything in place but at least I felt like I had some control. I still do everything for him and my mom but at least he's living on his own and I'm back at home. Sorry for this long rambling essay but I guess my point is.....don't let it build up like I did. Start with small steps with your mom. If she tells you to flush the toilet a certain way, tell her you don't feel comfortable doing it that way. What's the worse that can happen.....she will tell you "that's ridiculous". If you live together and she can't stay by herself, find a friend or a caregiver to give you some relief for a couple of hours or day. Look into a daycare/respite to take her to. They are so good at finding their mental level and putting them with others that fit. Did she work? They will find "work" that she can do. Might be that she is bored and needs something to do and that's why she picks on you and wants to be in control. Again, sorry for the long answer. Just throwing out what all I have learned. God Bless