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Quick background Back in 2015, I was taking care of my mom from July-October with an ulcer on her foot. My brother used to tell me about her going to the grocery store where my niece works and she didn’t buy one or two. She spent hundreds. I don’t have control of her, but when she is broke I know that voice and I would help her out, we got smarter. If she needed money to pay a bill she had to send it to us. I know my brother always worried she would gamble away the money for the taxes or the mortgage on a 3 million dollar farm. In fact, the year before he gave her the tax money. She has to add to it but she got it in March. By July it was gone. She took another loan out and I paid it and she paid me back. However she didn’t tell me that.


So, she told me the next year she wasn’t gambling she didn’t have any money. So I take her to a procedure and I needed a pen. I discovered a stack of lottery tickets. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth. They were not dollar ones. She came out and she knew something was wrong. So I asked her again if she was gambling. Again no. I told her stop lying to me about everything. I told her what I found oh those are old i have to check them. Immediately don’t tell your brother. So, I can understand that my brother was hurt that I didn’t believe him that I gave her the benefit of the doubt. He was down there he saw everything. Well, the other day her hairdresser contacted me and yes it’s her money and she is of sound mine. She said she saw her at the gas station on the machines. She has told me she isn’t gambling but it’s her money. However, my husband won’t take money from her right now for gas for her car and the lawnmower and a lot of other things. This sounds just like my brother the fear she won’t have any money for the mortgage in December. She does get the rest of the rent on November 1st but still. So we are paying for a lot plus the gas back and forth. Well, I asked her if she was gambling, no why? Are you sure. Yes why? I said I know people at this place and they said you were playing the machine. Oh I was watching, then oh I won $8 on a scratch off so I put it in the machine and won $50 and the lady behind her won $72. She left then. Firstly if she wasn’t gambling why did she have a lottery ticket. I told her I am done, I am done. I am so tired of my brother lying (sil) and my mom, I have been in the middle for years, well now it’s just me. I am still taking her to Vegas. I think this month is really hard for her. This is when my brother left. This is how she deals with things just like an alcoholic. Sorry I guess it’s a vent. But if anyone has experience with this I would love your input.

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SB, thanks for clarifying your Mom's finances.  It helps me understand what is going on and I am able to offer appropriate suggestions and comments.  As a member of a farm family, I find it amazing how one little decision about the farm can affect SO many family members over several generations.

The Will that matters now is your Mom's Will.  Based on your Mom's income, if she ever needs to go to the nursing home, she will be "private pay" and never Medicaid (unless she sells the farm long before she needs to go to a nursing home.)  So most likely the farm is included in her Will.

Have you discussed with your Mom as to who is her  Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) for Finances and Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) for Medical?  Mostly likely her DPOA was your Father and if so, then your Mom needs to update her POA documents ASAP--naming either you or your brother as DPOA. She also needs to update her Will as to who the Executor/Personal Representative is of her Estate. and with a farm, there is lots of estate-related paper work that has to be done.

I am glad that your Mom was willing to discuss her finances with you.  Maybe with your brother not around much, the family dynamics will allow your Mom and you to have a more enjoyable relationship.  I hope that your Mom enjoys seeing Wayne Newton in Vegas.
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Staffbull18 Jul 2019
Thank you sweetie. Actually when this all started especially after her coding and medflight she did do all the appropriate paperwork regarding dopa, which is me and I am the executor, and I finally got clarity on what she wants regarding dnr. She was actually a full code when she was taken by medflight. However, she did come back with no broken ribs and no side effects. After that happened the rehab place and I had to get her to make a decision on what she wanted if this happened again. She really struggled with that and she changed her will. You know it is all hers and her decision on what she wants to do with the farm. So she did tell me kinda what she has decided. My brother still gets his fair share and I am happy about that. Even though he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Who calls their mother the devil and says just tell me where to send the flowers when she is dead. My husband still thinks that they will be there front and center when it comes to the money. That’s fine I would give him everything if we could be a family. But he has made his decision and he doesn’t want me in his life either. It’s been over a year since I have seen him in the tractor in the field and I talked to him on the phone. He and his family blocked our phone numbers the day after she was medflighted. My niece went to see her at the hospital the day she was getting out. She told her she loved her and she was sorry for everything and wanted everybody to get along. It still hurts but I have to just accept it. I also have to put up some boundaries with him if he ever wants me back in his life. I have wanted him close for so long every time he needed me i let him in and then he would leave. The last time he blocked my number after my dad died but I could call the house phone but not his. If I called that number his wife would answer and she told me to stay away from her and her children. So I wouldn’t call there. I had to go back to treatment for the anorexia right after my daddy died and when he was at my moms and she called he would talk to me. I couldn’t talk to him any other time. So I was out of treatment and at my moms farm. He drove by and saw me and he pulled in. I didn’t say anything but he said well don’t i get a hug. Our relationship has always been on his terms. I have to be careful because I would probably let everything go. That’s what I have learned in aa but I still need to have healthy boundaries if and if he ever wants me in his life. Thank you for everything.
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Thank you. Regarding my brother actually he only owned his house and yard and pole building. He cash rented from my parents. He was trying to make mt mom happy and his wife and they hated each other. My mom and I just had a conversation about the farm. I honestly didn’t want anything or if so 10 acres and the money pit of a house out of 290 acres. My brother could have all of it. However, my daddy’s will stated that if my mom died before him the farm income would be split equally between him and I.?if something happened to me it went to my husband and then to my brother children. I don’t have any children. If something happened to my brother it went directly to his children skipping his wife. This is what it for him i guess. But the will doesn’t matter it is all my moms. Anyway, my mom actually has everything budgeted for the taxes and the farm mortgage. She receives 25,000 in March and that goes to the 9,000 in taxes.? I thought it was more. Then she also puts away an extra amount from her monthly income. The second payment of 25,000 in November goes to the 13,000 mortgage payment. My brother got away with 30,000 of my mom got for him by refinancing. Anyway, I don’t know why she showed me this budget but it is good what she is doing. Plus she has so much she wants to fix and improve on the farm and house each payment and year. She is actually handling money responsible for the first time in her life. I know that there are a tons of things and secrets that I have no clue about and what happened between them is non of my business. I do pray for my brother and his family everyday for happiness and health. Who really knows what was going on with my brother. But she is determined to do the upkeep that should have been done on the house and out buildings years ago. They never had money for anything like that. Be it gambling, loss of income, etc. it’s pretty crazy if you could see how nice my brother house and farmette is. You can see where the money went. But that was there business. I am so happy i left. My parents were always like where did they (brother) get the money for that and vice versus. My brother went to Italy for his 25 th wedding anniversary. My dad was so upset about that. But my brother always thought it was my mother complaining. It was crazy. Anyway I know i have no control over any of this. I am just going to try to enjoy my life without drama. I just realized that yes it hurts my brother is gone but there is no arguing and fighting. I am focusing on my husband and enjoying ourselves. It is still hard.
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The Only way is to get control over their finances. What I did with my father was I got him to sell his house and buy a one bedroom flat in an aged care village and then put the remainder of his money in a term deposit in both our names. They would go for three maybe four months. He also got his aged pension. I also arranged for a cheque book that needed two signatures
So, every time the term deposit matured I rolled over the principal then put half in the cheque book and half in his pension account. That way all his bills were paid by the cheque account and he could do as he pleased with the pension account. If he gambled it all away. Too bad. He had to wait until his fortnightly pension came through
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Maybe your Mom's gambling and love for lottery tickets is one of the reasons why your brother got so upset when your Dad willed the family farm to your Mom instead of to your brother--Because your brother knew that once your Mom owned the family farm, she would most likely NOT pay the mortgage nor the property taxes and would/could lose the farm before she dies.  Your brother probably figured that since he was already in debt with his farm and since he was not going to get any money from the family farm, that he might as well quit farming.   (Just a thought.)

Sadly you are going to have to let your Mom spend her money on whatever she wants and if she does not pay the mortgage or the property taxes, DO NOT pay them for her.  She has/had the money, but she used it for non-farm related expenses.  Besides, do you have the money to pay the $15,000+ property taxes for a farm worth $3 million?  Do you have the money to pay the mortgage?  I understand why you pay for the "little things" that make your Mom's house better, but eventually you will need that money for your husband and yourself.

Please stop feeling bad for situations that you can not or do not have control of.  {{{HUGS}}}
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Thank you all for your suggestions. No I don’t have any ownership in the farm thsnk god. Last year when she was in rehabilitation after the amputation. I cried every time I opened her mail. I know that with the money my brother paid my parents for renting the farmland wasn’t even close to covering everything even with social security. My daddy’s highest paying job was $8 an hour. He started working at 14 earlier on the farm. He was a foreman for a factory that after 25 years closed and took his pension. Addictions are so insane. I am a recovering alcoholic and anorexia. I got her all caught up with her bills and saved her almost $300 a month. You know those scammers with older people. Well, they got her at $1.95 at first but then $49.99 after. She thought it just canceled itself. Then when they say you won $5,000,000. But you have to send in $25. Now she has money left at the end of the month. She is actually finally able to do maintenance on the farm. I know it’s probably not a good idea to take her to Vegas but it’s a remberance of my dad. We are going to Wayne Newton which is what she really wants more than anything. She is going to put so much in an envelope to use for the day. But like you said she is of sound mind and it’s her money. But you are right she doesn’t want to pay for someone to cut the grass every other week so my husband and I have sometime together. But I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden she will pay. But yes, at one point she wouldn’t pay for her medical bills but 10 dollars but she had money for lottery tickets. So it wasn’t just my brother not paying her a fair rent she wasted it. She did go to work when I was in college., I think she used that for her tickets but she got disability after an accident. My dads factory closed my freshman year of college. I paid my way with grants and scholarships and a small loan. But I cannot do anything about the past and it was their business. I was starting my life. But i feel bad because i had everything growing up. Well except i was in so much pain from the eating disorder i would have changed stuff to be healthy, but it’s not anyone’s fault. Parents do the best they can with what they know. Sorry i don’t really know what i am saying. I just wanted to thank you all for your love and support. I am so grateful for you all
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You say she is of sound mind. Anyone of sound mind has the total right to drink away their money or to gamble away their money. See to it that you do not now give her ANY money for any reason. See to it that you do not intermingle any of your own finances with hers. I hope that you do not have any part ownership in this very expensive farm. Stay out of her affairs and stay out of her way. There is nothing you can do. We all make our own choices when we are rational enough to do so, and some of those choices are worse than those made by the demented. But it is not in your control. Walk away. Walk completely away. Do not give money and do not meddle in what your brother chooses to do. Let go of it and move on with life. When the assets are gone do not take on the care of your mother. This is life also; we pay the price for the ways we choose to live.
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Staff, why are you taking her to Vegas?! If she was an alcoholic, would you take her to a bar? Take her for a spa day instead.
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Stop giving her money if she is of sound mind.  Stop feeding the bad dog. That will wake her up and then you can make some changes - like taking over the finances.
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Staffbull18 - So sorry for your situation. Speaking from experience - my mother being 88, likes to gamble, lies about finances and demands money from her children. She cannot walk or clean her house, but she can get in the car with her friends and go to casino and spend the night!! No problem getting around there. Amazing, isn't it? Gambling is an ugly addiction.

Every family situation is different. I do not know your history, but you sound like a wonderful daughter and I wish you the best. Just stand firm and do not bankrupt your future trying to pay for her mistakes. You all may need to get guardianship and either take control of her ATM/Checking account, or sell the farm if she continues down this road.

Good luck to you.
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