"You are off your meds" seems to have become an acceptable way of insulting someone by insinuating that they are mentally ill. If your sister thinks you're nuts, she may be projecting onto you *her* guilt about not helping. Taking care of aging parents is hard work and it puts pressure on one's psyche because old people often make demands that are unreasonable and emotionally charged.
Review what happened between the two of you that led up to her making that statement taking into consideration the kind of relationship the two of you had while growing up. Is this part of her pattern? If so, don't make it your problem. If not, ask her for an explanation.
Aww sorry this happened to you Rosy123. I have a non helping sibling too :-( but we have a decent relationship. I'm a people pleaser so I suppose I play a part in my own resentment. My Mom finally entered a nursing home this week. I love her, but holy cow do I feel relief. She's safe while I'm at work and I am not emotionally and physically drained. My brother has guilt. We are playing the same roles we did growing up. Me the oldest people pleaser and him the happy go lucky,please myself kind of younger brother. The stress of being a care taker with no help will get ya,lol. I'm 49 and have been doing this for a really long time. I've acted like I'm off my meds a few times! Heck they forgot to put my happy meal in the bag when I picked up dinner at McDonald's 2 weeks ago,and I cried. I cried because I thought,dang even McDonald's doesn't care. Total pity party and crazy,but I had a nice cry. Stress does terrible things to you. Please take care and if you actually need something like xanax to calm you ask your doctor. Nothing wrong with using something for a few weeks,to preserve your sanity and health. A little glass of wine now and then helped me,lol. So,don't let your sister press your buttons,which is exactly what she's doing.
Your sister does not love your father. She may have valid reasons. Or not. But the fact is that she has made a decision about her own actions and there is nothing you can do to change that. Give it up. As far as caring for your father goes, consider yourself an only child. Is that fair? Hmm. Is it fair that your father can't take care of himself? Fairness often has nothing to do with physical and mental health. Act in a way that you consider fair and honorable, and accept that you cannot force anyone else to make the same decisions you do.
You've gone through this many times. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results is, well, not productive. Drop this subject entirely with your sister. Then you can decide if you want to detach from her entirely or if you can maintain a cordial but superficial relationship with her.
Your profile says that your father is in Assisted Living. He can get his assistance from there. Many people in AL have no family in the area and they manage just fine. I do understand that having a loved on in a care center does not make all the work go away for the family. But surely the AL staff "covers" for you when you need a break or go on vacation, etc. You don't need to have your sister do that.
She has only visited 5 times in 10 years, she says she doesn't love him, and you still think you are going to be able to get her to fill in for you? Or take an active role in his care in AL? You have had to accept the reality of your dad's diabetes and his inability to care for himself. I think you will be much happier if you accept the reality of your sister's decisions.
You can be sure that you have plenty of company. My own sister not only does as little as possible but she spreads her venom, lies and deceit to other relatives as her goal is to defame and alienate me. Though she does not value her own close relatives and has a terrible relationship with her own child, she's an activist in the Family Values movement. If I were you I'd avoid all contact with your sister. Sounds like she's the one who needs help.
To NYdaughterinlaw... I loved and appreciate your response... you make a lot of sense... you have made me feel so much better. You are right. She has always been condescending to me. And, if this is a sign of guilt... I hope she is feeling a LOT of it. I have been caring for OUR father alone for 10 years. She has visited him approx. 5 times.. never calls him... and is never able to cover for me when I can't help him. She says... well I have a job... you don't! I might not have a paying job... but sometimes I just want someone else to load up the walker and drive him to get a hair cut... sometimes I just want a break. I asked her one time why she would not help me... she said she does not love him... that she hates him... So... I guess that leaves it all up to me.
Many times when they make a statement that you off your meds, it's their way of disregarding the truthfulness of what you're saying or absolves them of taking on any responsibilities. But I have also learned, that you can't change their mind and are usually unable to be reasoned with... so you might as well save your breath and your blood pressure!
The uninvolved non-caregiving siblings are 100% unaware of all that it takes to do a good job of caring for an aged disabled parent, especially if that parent is in assisted living or memorycare (my mother, 95). Guilt drives them to say "you don't NEED to do a thing for our Mother - it's "on YOU" if you want to do that, but it is not necessary. I could make a list of 100 tasks that are important to the survival and health and happiness (separate from the many loving social visits) of a parent in Assisted Living.....financial decisions, health decisions, trips to DDS and eye doctors etc .... discovering that the eyeglasses in her eyeglass case are somebody else's.....meds review...pre-arrangements for "passing" which are required by AL, selling and repairing house, moving to elderly residences as necessary, investigating the best place - not to mention retiring early to buy a condo next door to that failing parent for 10 years....there is not enough room to write everything. It falls on dead ears, and striking out at the caregiving child is their only defense against "owning" their own guilt. Honestly, I don't think that there is any convincing to be done. All you can do is try to manage your own stress - and this is coming from a daughter who is not being paid for anything (no housing, no nothing, in fact it costs me money in gas, food, clothes, toner etc). And though unlikely, if there are remaining funds, they are to be divided equally between the 3 siblings. My reward? First, it's the right thing to do, second, when she is gone, and I see a sad elderly parent commercial on TV, I will feel good in my heart, and that contributes to your own health to balance off the stress you've endured for years, decades. I've been 28 years by my mother's side (living next door or a mile away) and the siblings feel that this is therefore my job. They also think I'm having "fun" doing this. I know the story isn't unique, and my mom may live to 100 despite her severe dementia and weak body and now blindness. But, if not me, then who? My mantra: "It's never wrong to do the right thing".
I am the primary caregiver for my mother and get almost no help from any of my siblings. They say the same things about not loving or approving or liking our parents so they can't be around them. That is one way of not dealing with complicated unresolved childhood issues. (I'm a therapist). If your siblings cared about you they would see that it is equally their responsibility to care for an aging parent if they can. If they can't then they support you as best they can. Putting you down is not a support. Yes, their own unresolved issues and lack of courage to face them and work on them will leave them feeling guilty and having emotional regrets. They will probably rationalize them or push them down. You are doing all the right things and you will not feel regret in the end. But...mostly, you have to very rigorously take care of yourself. That means taking meds as prescribed, sleeping enough, exercising when you can, and finding time for fun. IF you do that you won't get burned out as easily. Just saying.
If you are the caretaker be sure you are the POA and Health advocate or a trusted professional is. Never agree to be the caretaker and allow a sibling to be on the POA. Non-caring siblings are often trouble makers for a variety of reasons.
Review what happened between the two of you that led up to her making that statement taking into consideration the kind of relationship the two of you had while growing up. Is this part of her pattern? If so, don't make it your problem. If not, ask her for an explanation.
Are you kidding? This site is loaded with stories of non-compliant siblings in all manner of description.
If your sister is staying away, not harassing you, not criticizing you, not stealing your mother's money, then fall on your knees in gratitude.
You are one of the lucky ones.
And, take all of the advice above. Forget about her. You never hear from her anyway. Take excellent care of yourself.
You've gone through this many times. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results is, well, not productive. Drop this subject entirely with your sister. Then you can decide if you want to detach from her entirely or if you can maintain a cordial but superficial relationship with her.
Your profile says that your father is in Assisted Living. He can get his assistance from there. Many people in AL have no family in the area and they manage just fine. I do understand that having a loved on in a care center does not make all the work go away for the family. But surely the AL staff "covers" for you when you need a break or go on vacation, etc. You don't need to have your sister do that.
She has only visited 5 times in 10 years, she says she doesn't love him, and you still think you are going to be able to get her to fill in for you? Or take an active role in his care in AL? You have had to accept the reality of your dad's diabetes and his inability to care for himself. I think you will be much happier if you accept the reality of your sister's decisions.
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