I have tried to resist whining here about my crazy, demanding, unappreciative, abusing 93-year-old mom who I do so much for.
She lost her new Medicare Advantage card for this year, not because of memory, but because she will not, as I have asked, put things in files, rather putting things in random piles of envelopes around her senior independent living apartment.
We had to order a new one, then found the old one, and that could not be activated as the new one had been set up.
Went to the pharmacy at the nearby grocery store. I was going to explain to the pharmacist, she lost the old one, then was going to say she found it, but before I could say that, my mom says, "I DID NOT LOSE IT YOU STUPID FOOL, I FOUND IT."
I said we were going to go out to a restaurant later which she enjoys but after that I will not. She went rain man on me, just begging and going nuts, so I took her to restaurant anyway, but have not answered her frantic phone calls since.
After all her abuse, I think being shouted at you stupid fool in public was the breaking point. I would like on one hand never to see her again, but I do need to take her to trust lawyer, various medical appts.
I related this to my brothers, one who lives in town with a crazy wife of his own and kids and a demanding job, and another brother out of state.
The wife of the brother out of state had had enough. She penned a letter, a real letter to my mom saying that I, Karsten, am the only person between my mom and assisted living or a nursing home. My SIL knows that since her and my brother are out of state, they cannot help. She knows my other brother cannot help. It is me. And yet in the letter, my SIL tells my mom, she, my mom, is not only overly demanding and under appreciative, she is abusive. And that is not only against my mom’s best interests as it will drive me away from her, and my SIL wonders why it has not driven me away yet, but she went onto say how my mom treats me is not right, is not good, and is not Christian (knowing my mom always wants to be so Christian).
But honestly it is time to think about next steps. Karsten, life is too short. Figure out what needs to be done and go do it to get her either AL or a NH.
She can linger a long time. My parents will be 96 this year, they are in a NH, but there still is no end in sight to this slog. They will probably live to a hundred. They can't take care of themselves any longer but don't have anything that is going to kill them. They both even survived Covid.
I am 68 and retired 3 years ago figuring I'd help them through this phase of their life but I did not anticipate that they weren't going to die any time soon. So here I am still dealing with their s**t.
You will waste a lot of your life if you don't start considering your needs in all this. You aren't going to get any help from anyone else in your family so you need to figure it out.
Good luck.
Yay for your SIL!
I would be in the store with Mom holding on to a shopping cart for dear life walking very slowly and we would encounter another daughter and her very elderly mother doing the same thing . I remember myself and the other daughter looking straight into each other’s eyes and give “ the nod “ to each other .
People get it. They know what’s up .
I have to say that taking the high road isn’t always the best way. In fact, sometimes it will only invite more trouble into an already stressful situation.
Dead end roads lead to nowhere. One way roads aren’t any better.
The best road to take is the one that leads you away from the turmoil. Don’t give your mom any more opportunities to cause you grief.
If she has dementia she most likely doesn't even realize what she's saying or how untrue, hurtful, and offensive it is for you to hear. As my old momma used to advise (before she herself got dementia): "Never get in a pis*ing contest with a skunk". :-)
Plus, you know your mom will be dead soon(ish) and you don't want to burden yourself with even an iota of guilt about what you may have said in response to her verbal abuse. Take the high road on this, if possible.
Keep planning how to get and stay away from her as much as possible and keep focusing on ways to get other paid professionals to care for her instead of you. Arrange things so that your only interaction with her will be in her home (or facility) for short visits - this will allow you to leave the premises immediately if things get too hairy. Never take her to a restaurant or anywhere like a movie or a concert ever again - never allow yourself to be in a vulnerable position where you're unable to leave as soon as she starts behaving abusively.
Good luck!
But the great takeaway from all these years of hurt--I know how to be a MIL myself and have been blessed with 5 great in law kids.
Really, the loss is hers alone. So sad to see at the end of a long life that you could have literally no friends and only about 10 people who care about you--when the world is filled with so much joy & beauty. Some people simply shove it away with both hands and refuse to be happy, no matter what.
While she NEVER acknowledged my cancer/treatments the entire time I did them, I just figured she didn't care and went about my life.
DH took me with him to her house and got busy working on a computer program. She and DH are deaf as posts and DH wasn't listening. MIL looked at me with utter disgust (I had just begun growing my hair back--so I actually felt like I looked pretty OK--bald didn't become me at all.
She looks at me, and with a deep sigh said "why didn't you just DIE?" I was so taken aback and so flustered. I said, "well, I'm sorry to disappoint you". Then she asked how soon before the cancer came back.
That. Was. It.
I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I am giving the greatest gift. I am leaving and I will NEVER see you again." Stole a Diet Coke from the fridge (she had refused to let me have a cold drink). I SLAMMED the back door and left. I guess at that, DH looked up and said "where's B?". His mom said I was having a pity party or something. Whatever.
I have been good to my word and I have not seen nor talked to her since. DH is not happy about it, the family thinks I am a princess--(well, some of them do.)
Now she's in Hospice, but won't die for some time, the kids are planning on her living out another year. It has been so dam7 stressful that I just can't even think about her. She has hurt me so much for so long. My Dh wants me to make nice with her before she dies, he thinks I will feel tremendous guilt about how "I" treated her.
The only guilt I feel is that I let my kids see me kowtow to a mean woman who hated me and did everything she could to make me feel unwanted and unloved.
I can't even count the # of times she told me that my DH never loved me and only stayed with me because of the kids. I always just took the high road. (It's lonely up there.)
If you can't cut mom off completely, cut back on what time you spend with her. Stand up for yourself is no one else does.
And thank you SIL for writing that letter. My SIL lives her life for her mother and is completely blind to the way she's treated me and my kids.
If I could go back in time and lay down some powerful boundaries 45 years ago--well, I'd do it in a flash. Marriage is hard and add in a horrific MIL--it's hell.
(wow, sorry for the rant...it's been a day)
I will not bend. She never could be nice to me and now she's got dementia, she's just mean to everyone. I don't need this in my life and the boundaries are UP and I will not broach them.
It's been a HUGE thing between DH and me. He thinks I am being overly sensitive and a baby---I know that I spent 46 years kowtowing to someone who LOVED that she could always make me cry.
If your mom were mine--I wouldn't put up with the abuse. In my case, my Dh will not
He does not think my dad had traditional Alzheimers, (not that he oculd know) but that after sixty years with my mom my dads system just fried out. Like applying 345Kv to an small transistor radio (if people remember those), A normal person is not built to endure that much stress for that long
In fact, my dad was an overly patient man, no one else could have put up with my mom, but he did us no favors by enabling her behavior, which I guess I am doing now so who am I to talk
My husband’s grandfather was a very sweet man. His grandmother was an evil woman.
I remember him telling us that he would never retire because he would not be able to handle being home full time with his wife.
The man woke up everyday and took the streetcar into the office until his late 70’s. Then he turned off his hearing aid when he got home.
My husband’s grandparents were married well over fifty years. You’d think that she would know what color his eyes were!
She was an amazing artist. He had blue eyes. When she painted his portrait she painted his eyes brown. He looked at her and said, “Honey, what color are my eyes?” She said, “Brown.” He said, “Look again! They are blue.” Then she said, “Oh, I always thought that they were brown.”
It’s incredible to know that some people don’t see others at all. They live in their own little world.
You are a very patient man but anyone can see that you have reached your threshold of pain.
I certainly understand why you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Who wouldn’t be if they were in your shoes?
Everyone has a breaking point. No one has an endless supply of patience.
If she loves to pretend to be ‘Christian,’ then tell her that you no longer have the patience of Job. Make it clear that you have had enough of this.
I have a feeling that your mom could test the patience of all the angels and saints!
Your mother is the type of person who causes others to lose their religion. I think most people would rather be around a sensible atheist than a hypocritical ‘so called’ Christian.
I don’t think you are the kind of man who would just walk away without having something set in place for your mother’s care. Not that I would blame you if you let her figure it out for herself.
Ha! If you suddenly stopped helping her, how long do you think it would take her before she would call you? I wonder if she would beg for your help again or demand that you help her.
Honestly, I don’t think you will ever satisfy your mother. It’s not worth trying anymore. No matter what you do, you will be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I hope you will find a solution to this issue soon. You deserve to live your own life.
Be good to yourself and allow mom to realize that she is no longer the queen bee.
Being at ones breaking point in terms of caring for a self centered and mean elder for entirely too long is when you wake up one day and realize you WILL NOT TAKE THIS PERSON'S BEHAVIOR FOR ONE MORE DAY. You're done. You're fed up and you've had enough.
Being called a stupid fool in public would be IT for me and 99% of the rest of self respecting sons and daughters on earth. We're not whipping posts for anyone. Mother can hire caregivers from an agency from now on to take over the tasks you've been performing for her, including driving her to doctors appointments. Oh, she'll grovel and likely apologize profusely to you to get back in your good graces for awhile, so you continue being her lap dog. Until the next outburst of foul venom that spews from her mouth. Which is classic abuser behavior.
We teach people how to treat us and you told her it was ok to call you a stupid fool in public by taking her to a restaurant after her disgraceful outburst.
Teach her now that you're not a piece of dirt under her shoe or she will continue and ramp UP her foul behavior because you obviously don't mind it.
These women have NEVER been told to sit down and shut up so they run wild over everyone in their path. Don't you think it's time to tell her that now? Don't you think you're worth more than SHE thinks you're worth? The rest of your family sure does. Get on board with them today.
Consider having her take the senior van to the doctor and meet her there. Have her send back the same way.
I would not drive in a car with someone like this. Much too distracting and dangerous.
One time I was leaving an appointment with my mom. I got her buckled into the car and put her walker in the backseat.
Mom was rambling on about this and that, having an anxiety attack about trivial matters.
It gets tiresome after a while and we don’t think clearly when we are flustered.
I placed my cell phone on top of my car so that I could put her walker into the back seat and I forgot to retrieve my cell phone.
I started driving home and I hear horns honking at me. I was already annoyed by my mother’s behavior and I said to my mom, “Why the hell are these people honking at me? I am doing the speed limit.” She just shrugged her shoulders.
When I stopped at a red light a guy in the next car hollers at me, “Lady, your cellphone is on top of your car!” I pulled over to get it and get back in my car and my mother tells me that I should be more careful with my phone!
We did laugh about it afterwards. Another time I put Chinese takeout on my car roof. Ironically, I made it home without it falling off! LOL 😆
My incident wasn’t dangerous, but I have to wonder how many accidents are caused when people are driving in certain situations with their parents. I don’t know how I didn’t have any accidents while driving my mom to her many appointments.
He said I should have her take a valium when I visit. She of course will not take it. The problem with getting her the pscyho drugs she needs is her OCD causes her to read every word of the info that comes with it and is convinced she will get the side effects
Anyway, my brother said I should slip one in her coffee. I said that is illegal. He said killing someone is illegal too
Let her take the van back and forth from the doctor and you meet her there . That’s what my hubby would do with his Dad. Then you are only with her in the doctor’s office . You aren’t having to be in the car with her.
( my hubby used to have his Dad go in the van because it saved him time , but you could do it for any reason )
Take the advice and steps others have offered. Separate yourself from the situation and seek counseling for yourself.
She has a new one which she will see for the first time, I will use this to ask PCP about psychiatric help
If she is in Senior IL then they should have transportation to doctors, let her use them. Tell her for now, you need a vacation from her. That the comment she made was the straw that broke the camels back. That respect goes both ways. That you do alot for her and did not deserve what she said. That she is not to call you unless its an emergency. That you may do a check in just to see if she needs anything. She needs you more than you need her and she needs to realize this. If you need to drop something off, do it and leave. See if there are resources the IL will supply for xtra money. At my Aunts, she can get someone to help her shower if she needs it without going into AL. But she pays for that. She is 95.
You have a right to be angry. Thats what you need to tell yourself. Make a list of what you do for her. How much smaller will be that list be if she goes into an AL? At my Moms, the nurse handled medications. She called the doctor for renewals. One job I no longer did. The AL did the laundry and cleaned her apartment. 3 meals a day. I just bought Moms depends, toiletries and visited.
Can her doctor visits be cut down? Once my Mom was stable with specialists, I asked for 6 months to a year before another visit. I found her PCP had her coming back every 2 months for B/P and cholesterol. I even had his nurse ask why Mom was back. I said I had no idea but if he asks why she is there, she won't be back unless she is sick or needs prescription updated. He asked. Why do you need to take her to a lawyer concerning her trust? Is that not already in place?
When Mom gets abusive, you stop what your doing and leave. The first time you tell her "I will no longer put up with this" after that initial explanation you just walk out after that. Phone calls, you don't have to pick up every call. Make a certain time of day your call time. Your life us not hers. She is only a part of it.
First to clear up a couple things, when I wrote my profile that was six years ago, I guess I should have changed it . At that time I was helping with my dad who had Alzheimers, and later passed away, and was terribly easy to deal with considering, and a highly anxious mother, the health care professionals at the time my dad was in facilities for ALZ would tell me they were more worried about my mom than my dad. They called my moms anxiety off the charts.
In answer to Geatons and Funkys question, she has always had very high anxiety, my aunts would tell me stories of my mom as a little girl. And now, I think her anxiety is intensifying, perhaps some dementia, but mainly anxiety.
And the stupid fool thing. Not that I care she said it in public. I care that she says it at all after all I do for her.
Anyway, thanks all for the advice which I will endeavor to implement.
I simply say "I am sorry you feel that way. ” Yes, they are wrong. Yes it is sometimes the last straw to be treated that way *especially* after all you have done and are doing. Yes I can only do it 50% of the time.
YES, it can be calming especially if you give yourself pats on the back for taking the high road and being calm. Please try it and see if it works.
HA--I am writing this not long after losing my temper with my LO. Do as I say, not as I do :-)
That you are going out with her to be called a stupid fool is on you, not on her.
She is 93. Of course she is losing things. She is losing EVERYTHING and she is well aware of what a burden she is.
As long as you enable this it will continue. I am so dreadfully sorry. But this choice is in your hands. We are more than happy to hear your vent, and we are awfully sorry for your humiliation and that you are so alone in this.
But only you can change this.
It's a new year. Please gently tell your mom your limits and let her know that they are a result of her own behavior. Tell her you will visit once a week. That you love her but will not enable her poor choices anymore. Let her know she needs more support and that can't be you.
What is the reason she isn't in a facility? Does she not have a PoA? Are you waiting for someone with dementia (or a mental disorder) to agree to go? It's not going to happen so you make it happen, if you want.
Why do you (and others in your family) keep treating her like she doesn't have a broken brain? You keep wanting her to be someone she can't, never was and never will be. You are volunteering for her "abuse" (I put this in quotes since if she has dementia she is not in control of herself anymore).
Can you see why I'm confused? If in fact your mom has dementia, this helps explain a lot about how she is behaving and why she's losing things, and perhaps requires more patience and understanding on your part, as her brain is broken.
But if what you wrote about your mom having dementia isn't true, then I guess just keeping your distance more to keep your sanity might be best at this time.
If she asks why you don't come in and stay a while......Tell her you need a break.
Or tell her you have errands to run. Limit your time with her as much as possible for a couple of weeks . Maybe she will get the message you are annoyed at her.
And treat yourself to whatever you like, a massage, nails done, whatever.
When my mother pulled her cr4p , I stayed away, dropped things off with the nurse to bring to her room in AL. Then my mother got wise and sat by the front door to ambush me. Then the facility told me I could call and they sent someone out to my car to get the things i was dropping off , so i didnt have to go in the building. Mom got the message.
Try giving Mom the cold shoulder.
And perhaps change your phone number and stop dancing to her tune.
Karsten, I'm reading a good book-Lifeskillls for Adult Children. Step by step in instructions for setting boundaries.
And I have to agree with Beatty. Why do you care what she says to you? She's clearly crazy. Everyone can see that.
Karsten, are you seeing a therapist?
I've had enough of this nonsense!
That's exactly what I said 2 weeks ago.
Now I am.. shrug, another day.
Ride out the current wave.
When calmer, reassess what is stirring you up the most. How can you reduce those triggers? Who can you delegate tasks to?
Remember 'the public' won't actually give a hoot about what an elderly lady calls someone in public.
Maybe act up your 'servant' role.. go 'Driving Miss Daisy' on her.. Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am, if you say so Ma'am 😜. Yes indeed I must be a fool Ma'am.
Could you imagine?