I've created a dependency on me, yet I can't keep up with all that is expected of me. Any input?

I used to babysit for a woman when I was in high school. She had 4 kids and her place was a mess. She was so laid back she drove me nuts. One day I think she saw me eyeing one of the messes as she was leaving with her husband to go out for the evening. She told me that the kids were going to grow up too fast and she wanted to have enjoyable, relaxed memories of time spent with them. She washed their clothes and fed them well. She told me that one day they would be in school all day, then she would clean her house. I have never forgotten her demeanor and perspective. In Bible study, I equated the story of Mary and Martha with her. I have caught myself many times being a Martha. It's good to have recollections to prioritize what is meaningful in our lives. We remember the quality of our relationships. That's all:) xo

Yes, as ChristinaW says, take time to be with your parents as a daughter & don't sweat the annoying stuff is great advice but...I know when you are the one solely responsible for everything, the advice is hard to follow. I too, am responsible for my mother's care as well as my grandson at night while my daughter works. I take care of my mom's finances, doctors, meds, insurance, housework, laundry, etc. I would love to sit with my mom to just visit, but there never is enough time it seems. I work a full time job, I have a husband in Stage 4 kidney disease, and a sister who only comes for 1 day every 6 - 8 weeks. So that leaves me with 2 houses to clean & absolutely no time for myself! Thank heavens, my husband handles the finances & bills at our house as I don't think I could handle one more responsibility! I too, am totally overwhelmed! My mom does have hospice, so that provides 45 minutes of housework per week. Wow! But that that's better than nothing. So actually, I don't have any advise for you, as I am in a similar situation myself! Good luck to you & try to take care of yourself! I try to eat very healthy, take a walk a few times per week & I do yoga nightly, exercise does ease the stress!

Dear B,

I completely relate to what you said about feeling resentful yet worrying about how you're going to react when they pass away. I lived with that feeling everyday for over 5 years. I was so busy trying to create an environment in which I would have no regrets while at the same time killing myself to ensure I could someday say, "I did everything I could".

If I could go back to that woman I was in those moments I would tell her to not worry about making sure I would have no regrets. I would also tell her that she was doing the very best she could and that when it was all done and said and dad (in my case I cared for my dad) was gone those regrets passed with him for the most part.

My dad died 5 days ago and I guess if I sat around and really put some thought into it I could dredge up a few regrets but they don't trouble me the way I thought they would.

So practically speaking if you need help, get it! I understand that your mom doesn't want strangers in the house but if she wants to stay in her home then you need some help. Working 2 jobs and taking care of your own family and taking care of your parents is too much for one person to take on. Your resentment will grow, you'll become increasingly unhappy, and you may get to the point where you can't help them at all because you've run yourself into the ground.

It's not fair to you that your mom and dad are expecting you to take care of all of their needs. You're already guilt-ridden and full of resentment. Those feelings won't go away unless you go into therapy and with what you have on your plate, you don't have the time or the energy to see a therapist. If you need changes then you will have to make them. I'm not saying hire someone and yell "Good luck!" as you're walking out the door but you need some supplemental assistance.

Hi B, yes, you have too much going on for one person!
Some elders are resistant to outside help, but they are also overwhelmed and probably in denial about their own situation.
My suggestion is to step back and be as matter of fact with them as you can. You have to get some objectivity and lose the emotion --as best you can!! I know it's not easy. Your Dad may understand, but he's worried about your Mom, no doubt, and she is perhaps exhausted.
You can get a housecleaning service in, or a combo caregiver housekeeper. I would detail exactly what you expect them to do--the biggest cleaning issues, and maybe you can do sporadic lighter tasks a couple times a week.
As with broaching any difficult subject to discuss, you need to have honest communication with them--whether they like it or not. That's the way it is. When one is strong, capable, a multi-tasker, efficient, kind and generous, that's what happens. You're in demand. Prioritize and take control so you are satisfied.
Take time to be with your parents as a daughter and don't sweat the annoying stuff. You are a good daughter, Mother and Gma. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about all you are doing, Dear One:) xo