Is my mother's unkempt look and bad hygiene a reflection on me?

I'm surprised by the number of people who don't understand dementia. They remind me of the people who have never had children, yet have lots of opinions on how you should be caring for your kids. While it's not a reflection on you to someone like me, there are many who will judge you.

This seems to be part of Dementia. My 91 year old mother in law has been declining over the past couple of years. She lives with my husband and me. It takes continuous checking to make certain she is wearing Depends. She will go off to her bathroom and remove them. It's also a struggle every bath time. Personal hygiene is something that takes constant supervision from my husband and would be impossible if she were living on her own.

There is no reason why you should feel guilty about something you have no control over.   Will other people misjudge the situation? Possibly, but again you have no control over them.  Does your sister have any ideas of how to improve the situation?  If so, let her try.  You have done what you can so if she has a "better mousetrap" let her step up.  Frankly, are you going to overpower your mother, force her to shower and wear clean clothes?  Sound like assault and elder abuse. Too many times, people criticize but have no clue about practical issues.  BUT other posters have ideas on how you could proceed and it does sound like your mom is past the point where it is safe for her to live alone.  It is the reality that matters, not other people's impressions of you.

I know I posted earlier on this topic. Wanted to add, before she went to memory care, if we did have somewhere to go, I asked her to put on some make up. We only went out a few times to family functions, because she rarely wanted to leave the house. She had a face lift 20 years ago , and kind of looked like Joan Collins, prior to this disease, so maybe there was a small memory left of how she used to look. She gladly agreed. I added this as a possible suggestion to encourage a parent to look presentable when going out. For my mother , it was make up, maybe for some one else,, they liked to wear nice clothes. Just an idea

JOANN
Please look up ADLs. Basic and IADLs (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living).

Hygiene is the first to go. It will have to be addressed and sadly other issues will follow.

Go over the list. I’ve attached one. It’s a list of the things mom is going to need help with as time goes by.

Even the most resistant can become compliant with a little (or a lot) of encouragement.

You and sister are her next of kin right? If you don’t help her, who will?

She’s lost or is losing her ability to care for herself. I’m not saying you have to be hands on. But someone needs to manage her care and get her the help she needs.

https://www-tc.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/caregiver/pdf/cfyp_adl_checklist.pdf

Your Mother needs care. I would be more focused on that than how it makes you and you sister look.

Well, you can only do what she allows you to do. That being said, knowing that she's obviously no longer able to take care of herself (which is a rational decision), it is no longer her "decision" to continue on as is because it is not in her best interest. If you were she, would you want your daughters to act in your best interest? Like others have wisely suggested, time to either get guardianship or contact social services before she has a bigger crisis than a bad hair day. Good luck!

I'm sorry, but I think it does look kind of bad on the caregiver. I would not take my mother out if she looked unkempt because I would be mortified.

I don't mean to sound judgemental cuz I'm sure it's easier said than done.

I agree with you it should not make you look bad - however you KNOW she cannot make these decisions for herself so no matter how it makes you look, it is elder neglect. Sounds like you and sister are going to have to ignore her wants on the memory care facility and have her moved into one if she is going to refuse to comply with either you or your sister. If you don't do something I a neighbour may report you for neglect.

You say that she will not wear the Depends you got for her. Did you take away her other underwear, so that she didn't have a choice? That is what most people do when they decide it's time for Depends.

I'd not concern myself with how things appear, but, I would be concerned about the safety and health aspects involved. This poor judgment and lack of ability to care for herself is also indicative of more serious issues, like her safety and welfare from other risks. If her doctor is aware, he would surely report her to Adult Protective Services, as someone who is not able to care for themselves is entitled to be protected, even if they disagree and resist. If the doctor is not aware, I'd inform him and or social services.

If I knew of someone like that, I would report it, so the person could get some help, whether or not their family was aware of it.

I must be an awful person b/c I was totally embarrassed to take my mother places when she looks raddled and stinks and acts like a loony. To take her to a restaurant and have people ask to be moved b/c she smelled so bad?

HOWEVER--
Anyone who has had ANY experience with elderly people will not judge YOU for the way your parent appears. You have to shrug it off--as awful as it sometimes is.

I am no longer involved in CG for my mother and never will be again. I don't see nor talk to her (her choice) and so whatever happens or how she looks or smells--has zip to do with me.

I have friends whose daughter is married to my brother--mother lives with them. These people are on my case constantly b/c I don't take better care of mother. I cannot get them to understand that even when she WAS 'functional' she wouldn't let me help wash her or really clean her apartment. They just think I am horrible. And they let me know it, every time I see them.

Um--what about the 3 sibs who are 100% MIA and do and have done ZERO for her over the past 7 years that she's been 'bad?" They all get walks b/c they don't
live close by'.

It's a conundrum--I could not make mother bathe often enough, nor wash her clothes properly, nor have a chair cleaned that she'd peed in so much it's rotting....I just gave up.

Joanne, I’m afraid you may not like my answer, but I agree with your sister to a degree, so here are my rambling thoughts. I was embarrassed when Mom first began having incontinence at her Independent Living facility. I was frustrated, confused, out of my element and honestly embarrassed for her, and I did feel it was a reflection of me. I am a smart, capable woman... why couldn’t I fix this? I (we) stumbled along for a while trying different strategies to “fix” it. It was my wake up call that I had to pick up my game, and I added a caregiver to help her. Thankfully my Mom was compliant, since she was very social, so she liked having the company and the caregiver was a genius and would slide in the “caregiving” stuff while socializing.
We had a very loving relationship and I can fully empathize with your sisters view, as I did feel Mom was a reflection of me and my ability/willingness/resourcefulness/devotion to help her. But not so much for how other people would view me, but how I would view myself. I couldn’t just throw up my hands and say “oh well, it’s the disease, people understand.” My goal was always to do the absolute best for her I possibly could, and that was the reflection on myself. At the NH I curled her hair every day because I wanted her to look good and feel good about herself. I wouldn’t have felt right being there with her hair sticking straight up, whereas that might not have bothered other people. And of course I learned and grew emotionally as we plodded along together.

My suggestion is to take a baby step and try to find a caregiver who can come in a few hours a day to “visit” with your mom. Maybe just watch tv with her, have lunch together and chitchat. Then ease into more caregiving roles like “let me help you to the bathroom” etc. And I agree with the other posters, your Mom needs more help than she’s getting, and it’s probably going to come one way or the other. Try to get ahead of it as much as you can.

My mother in memory care for about a month does not want to wear anything else than the same 2 pairs of jeans. She is not incontinent. The facility at first didn’t want to address it. Now it’s a small issue, because they are laundered and she is bathed twice a week. When I spoke to them yesterday, for a progress report, they said it is a goal to get her to look less un kept ( can not think of a better word) . I’m going to buy her a few more pairs of similar looking jeans. I have not visited her yet. She needs time to adjust and I really need the break. She lived with me, and it was extremely stressful . There comes a point in this disease, when the person can no longer live alone. I think your mom is there. I told my mother we were going to the home because she needed another memory test, and blood drawn. Her facility is on the same campus as her doctors office. I had already signed the paperwork and paid for the first three months. I have power of attorney. Her doctor had diagnosed her with Alzheimer’s in June. When she thought it was time for us to leave , I told her my husband and I were leaving from there to the airport for a cruise and we would be gone for a few weeks. The staff was in the room, she didn’t like it, but she would never have gone any other way.
i called the next day, she slept the whole night and was making friends. She is so much better off there than here. She gets physical therapy, has a social group, and also the privacy of her own room to watch tv. They also noted blood pressure issues that I was unaware of, because I didn’t take her blood pressure every day. I was never told to. Her meds were adjusted, and it’s under control. So far this has been a win win situation. Of course they don’t want to leave what’s familiar. It’s so much better for her and for me.

I completely agree with both of you. I do understand that the OP doesn’t want to be embarrassed by her Mom’s lack of hygiene, but...!!! Stopping taking care of oneself is just one of the red flags that help is needed and the person is no longer able to make good decisions. Hopefully one of them has Durable POA and can take over making these decisions. As we have all said so many times, no one looks forward to the full-scale war that usually ensues when the decision for placement in a facility or at least in-home care needs to be made. But there comes a time when parents become children and children become parents. And, I agree that at some point, someone is going to call APS and open a real can of worms.

It could look like mom is being neglected when she obviously needs more help than she is receiving. A neighbor could call Adult Protective Services to report her as an "at risk" adult.

Mom with moderate dementia is at the point she needs at least 24/7 monitoring. Do not stick your head in the sand or get into denial of her condition, which is very common for family early on.

Who has mom's POA? Time to get her the care she needs. Nope, she will not like it, but, it is time. The doctor is a mandatory reporter.

I don't know what to say. Your mother is living alone, she has moderate dementia, her personal care is shot to pieces - and you and your sister are concerned about what you two look like?

Does it matter?

Nobody understands better than the people on this forum how incredibly hard and frustrating this phase of caregiving is. You know your mother needs help, she says no to anything you suggest, what on earth are you to do?

Well, the answer is - don't do nothing! Have you contacted your local social services and asked for an assessment? Have you reported her living conditions to APS? If your mother's dementia is becoming so advanced that she can't be responsible for her own decisions any more, there are ways to intervene; and at the very least you need to start getting her onto people's radar and ask for help.