I am the caregiver for my 89 yrs old mother I work from home 40 hrs a week I used to work nights so I didn't have to deal with her as much and I got a few hrs a late at night for my self recently got a new job which leave me with no me time whatsoever. I have two sisters and neither one seems to what to pitch in. They always have excuses, am I wrong to think they should be doing their part?
Paul, the 24/7 caregiver.
Do some legwork to see what mom can afford or qualify for before you sit down with your siblings to have a very frank conversation. I know it's hard but try to look at the facts and leave emotion out of it. Tell them you need some assistance or you're going to have to make some difficult decisions with mom. They may not care and were hoping you would come to this conclusion because then it makes you the "bad guy" for placing mom and not them.
I can assure you that the more you take on, the more they will let you. As SURVIVING said, either one of your siblings may not be willing to do everything that you have taken on. Brainstorm ways that they can and will help you, such as alternate weekends, shopping, cleaning, doctors appointments, etc. Try to take the approach of "teamwork" rather than "me" work. Don't think about it, call your meeting TODAY. I wish you the best.
sending big hugs!
i disagree with some things you write. but we can just agree to disagree.
you wrote:
"be ok when they say no."
"Don’t resent others for what they won’t do."
i completely disagree.
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:) i'm just writing here in general terms, not specifically regarding your message, Surviving:
...i do agree that anger will have bad consequences for oneself. to be in a constant state of anger, of course, can't be good for one's health.
...i don't agree that you shouldn't resent.
i absolutely resent my 3 older brothers for doing nothing to help, and i believe it's totally ok and right to resent them.
you shouldn't (i think), pretend like you're not angry.
i even think it's unhealthy not to be angry, when it's justified to be angry; bottle it up; pretend something is ok, when it's not ok.
i do think the siblings should hear your anger. scream at them, whatever, they deserve it; write a letter. get it out of your system. it doesn't matter if they don't read it. you said what you had to say. don't protect them from hearing your anger.
it's absolutely angering when things are unjustly distributed and you're the one doing all the helping. no it's not a choice. if you have a conscience you won't abandon your parents. you'll find some sort of solution (whether it's a facility, advocating for LO's needs with staff, making sure the LO is treated well, etc.). (i'm not talking about incredibly abusive parents/criminals/etc., whom you're estranged from). generally, your conscience won't let you -- totally -- abandon your parents, and do absolutely nothing. and if your siblings do nothing, you're left with the short end of the stick.
choosing between totally abandoning (and forever feeling guilty) and helping, isn't a choice.
...totally different example: "i'm giving you the choice between killing your friend, or your other friend. what do you choose?"...the point i'm making is, that not all things are really choices.
you absolutely didn't choose for everything to be dumped on you.
and siblings who run away from helping, often KNOW there is that ONE sibling who WILL help, so from their point of view it's "ok" to run away. --------------they count on you to do it. (secretly thinking, "ah it doesn't matter if i don't help, my sweet/responsible sibling will do it. thank God she/he exists!!!").
if you didn't exist, it's very possible, they wouldn't totally run away. they would be forced to do something.
i disagree that one shouldn't expect siblings to help.
one should even expect an apology from siblings, "i'm sorry. i don't want to help our parents, but the consequence of that is that YOUR life is totally affected. all the stress, problems have been dumped on you. ----- i'm sorry i did this to you. ----- and meanwhile, i'm having a great life, and getting richer and richer, my career is doing great. i have total peace of mind! yeay!... while you do the helping. and you're getting poorer and totally stressed out. i'm sorry. it's not right, from so many angles."
their inaction isn't just against the parents -- that inaction is against you.
if they cared about YOU, they would contribute help in some way, to make sure YOUR life is ok in some way.
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dear Surviving,
i reply specifically to 1 thing you wrote. you said:
"And yes my relationship with my sisters is forever changed, not because of what they won’t do to help with Mom’s care, but because when I saw their true colors amidst this family crisis, I realized I didn’t really like the people they are."
----yes but those true colors ARE linked (i believe) to them not helping your mother. if they had helped a lot amidst the family crisis, you would have a different opinion of them right now: you might be saying, "my siblings were amazing. they showed their true nature, which is amazing, kind, respectful."
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hugs, everyone!!! what i think...is...
..."whatever you say, whatever you do, sooner or later comes back to you."
...siblings, watch out!
Maybe it's time to give up that role?
What is your mother's financial situation?
What exactly would you like them to do?
I'm not saying this will work. Some just aren't going to help and you can save yourself a lot of stress by just accepting it. Doesn't make it right, but don't bang your head against the wall. You're the only one who will get a headache.
You do have to remember that if they work the same hours that you do, it might be slim pickin's on when they would help during that time if they are already reluctant. Some will use the excuse of not wanting to use up their vacation time or they really don't have vacation time to use.
If mom has income, use it for care. As much as you can afford to use. Be sure to let both sisters know that you are dipping into the savings (if mom has any) to use toward her care. If mom has a house separate from yours, see if you can talk mom into selling and using her money for that. Use some to modify your home for her as well -- keep receipts. If they find out you're using 'their' inheritance, they might be a little more willing. As for the house, if you moved in to mom's house to take care of her - they may have justified their not being involved based on you getting a 'free' place to live (even though the work involved makes it far from free).
Like I said, it may not work at all. They may be able to see you struggle without any guilt at all.
You make good points, but it's not about pinpointing and writing down the exact things the person wants help with.
It doesn't work like that. Much of the time it's more about wanting and needing the elder to literally be out of the house for a period of time.
My sibling offers all kinds of advice on what I need to be doing for our mother. They speak plainly to me and will ask directly about what I need and are genuinely willing to help.
Here's what I need. Take mother to stay at your house two days a week. Make her go. Give me week-ends off where I don't have to deal with the mess, the smells, the tv blasting until late into the night, the complaining, the negativity, the fight instigating, and the gloom and doom.
This is what I need and want, but my sibling won't deliver because the truth is no one wants this in their house. All the other stuff like coming by for a visit or taking mom to lunch means nothing. My sibling has never taken mother to a doctor's appointment, ever and mother has a collection of doctors. That's all for me.
Sometimes people in caregiving can't make a list of what they need as help from others, when the only thing they really want is to for the elder to get out for a couple of days.
As long as their lives go on the way they want they won't even notice.
But you are wrong if you expect others to do as you wish them to do.
The sad fact I think you already know is that the Sisters will do as they wish to do with their own lives. You cannot make their choices; you can only make your own.
Skip the sisters and go right to the heart of this matter. This care may now be too difficult for you. Time to discuss with your entire family that it is now too hard for you, and you need all to discuss the next steps forward. Placement may be needed.
It is wrong for you to EXPECT that they will help.
And following that it is wrong for you to be upset with their decision.
With whatever income or assets mom has you pay for caregivers to provide the help that is needed.
If your sisters get upset by this, with what might be their inheritance going to pay for care gently remind them that this is the option that is viable for you and that moms assets are hers until she dies.
Have you tried getting your mom into Adult Day Care? It would give you a break, it would give mom a break and get mom some socialization.
Many will pick up in the morning and drop off in the late afternoon.
(sending you a PM so please check)
I recommend you call the local Area Agency on Aging to ask for a "needs assessment" to help figure what level of care mom needs.
If I knew 10 years ago how things were going to unfold, I would have made MUCH different choices and would NEVER have moved my parents in with me. So now I think my sister is the smart one that said NO WAY. She does allow a few day visit once a month which is great but still an imperfect "solution".
So, it's time to adjust your expectations. Expect nothing from your sisters. Get help for your mom so you can back way down. Maybe it's time for a facility for her? I'm looking into that option REAL soon for my mom.
That said, you don't have to be the one either. Announce that you can't do it. And then don't.
If your mom insists on being her own POA then that's her right. And her obligation to handle her conditions.