Is it shameful to feel relieved when abusive parent dies?

I have just in the past month experienced the overwhelming task of taking care of mom after her recent stroke. Up until now I had been checking in on her in her own condo, getting groceries and driving her to appointments. Now after the stroke it was hospital, then rehab and then an assisted living apartment. Needing to sell her condo put an added stress on me (I'm an only child). I too am feeling things that I can't talk to the rest of the family about and know that even though I will be sad when she's gone it will be a relief. My own home is a disaster area as I am moving things from condo to apt. odonate and meeting with realtor, repair people etc. Mom expects me to visit her everyday now where before she didn't. I have not been eating right, neglecting my family and friends and just in general giving up my life. At first, I felt guilty about these feelings but then I just told myself I am allowed to FEEL however, I want just don't take it out on mom or others. It's not always easy but hang in there. ((HUGS))

My husband felt relieved when his father died. His father was terribly abusive. He said he did not grieve at all and was very relieved the abusive relationship was over.

I have a father with strong malignant narcissist traits. He was very cruel to my mother fairly regularly, and I was very scared of living with him as a child and left home as soon as I could. I often feel "stalked" as a result of his aggressive pursuit of me throughout my life. I think have CPTSD.

So, when he leaves this earth, will I feel very sad? I also feel kind of guilty about my feelings, but no, I don't think I'll feel deeply mournful. I think I'll feel very mixed and confused, for the glimpses of a father I could have had, but those glimpses are unfortunately outweighed by the memories of aggression and the chaos - which caused so much damage to the relationship.

Feeling releif is normal and very much needed for our mental, spiritual and physical recovery.
I also loved my family, but felt great relief when The Lord took them home.
Palliative care weighed heavily on my soul. At Mom's passing, numbness, relief, occasional guilt, normal.
We need to give ourselves permission to live again, however that looks individually. Peace.

Good g-d, no! You have no reason to be ashamed! You should congratulate yourself for having done your best in a bad situation and enjoy your future knowing you’re free of the burden. ❤️

No I don’t think it is at all. Someday ( I hope) to be in that boat. My mother in 91. She is a narcissist, has undiagnosed dementia and is very abusive. Right now she is threatening to remove us from her will. I am an only child. She will give all her money to nieces and nephews who do nothing while we do everything and get no credit. If I am written out of the will I will still be relieved when she is gone because it will be the end of feeling like a dud. I hate to admit it but I often hope she joins dad. They did not get along and were married 66 yrs. Now I know why they did not get along! You are not alone. There are many of us. I am also part of a Facebook group for caregivers of elderly parents and it kind of comment is there all the time.

My wife went to her dad's funeral just to make sure that he was really dead.
It was liberating for her and changed her. She was heavy handed with our children from the abuse that she suffered. Now they adore her. Me too. 48 years.

I loved my parents, but they traveled and moved around when retired. When they passed, I was not really sad, because I know we are eternal creatures, and they just moved again.

"Eye hath not seen nor ear heard the things that God has prepared for those who love Him"

Yes. I was in denial for 50 years that my mother was abusing me. She didn’t my siblings so I was the “ liar”, “making it up” etc etc etc. I was confused about it because how could they all see me so differently than I saw myself or others seemed to see me? I have a number of health issues some congenital ( I now think my mother’s animosity might have stemmed from that, as a narcissist my “flaw” meant she had produced a less than perfect child, can’t have that) . I went to a therapist due to dealing with that and was shocked to learn my stress was from her lol! It was gut wrenching, not going to lie. I cried all thru the session and went out in the parking lot and cried for another hr until I could safely drive home, Every. Single. Session. Lol !!! BUT It gave me the courage to stop letting her shame and manipulate me. It was an enormous relief when I cut her off for a year. She is alive still but I keep my distance and only interact with her when my husband is around. (I’m her medical POA. ) Funny , he always thought she was cruel . He’s always kind to her, even like this AM when he canceled work to take her to the dr at 7am and she refused to go when he got to her ALF🙄🙄🙄.

We all have a right to be safe and happy. No one has a right to abuse us but that’s hard to see when it’s been a lifetime pattern. I don’t think I’ll miss her when she’s gone. But that’s her fault, not mine

I cared for my mum for 14 years. My younger sibling walked away when mum wouldn’t give her control of the money. My older sister announced she was “too busy” so it all fell to me. I have never seen my younger sibling and never plan to. My older sister and I visit once a year..I’ve told her how angry and resentful I am, although I’m working hard to move on. Mum has been dead 18 month and my regrets with her are that she never tried to be nice, never loved my beloved husband who did so much for her, and she doted on my older sisters husband. My husband and I met after college, he proposed the same day, we married 7 weeks later, and 45 years later are still on our honeymoon! 😀. Mum disapproved and always told me “it won’t work!” I’m glad she’s gone...but I miss what could have been!

It's OK to let your feelings flow. Release all that buildup from all of those years of trying to please her. It started in childhood as a learned behavior and it was a coping mechanism you carried throughout her time in your life. I have lived with debilitating migraine headaches since teenage years. My mother passed two years ago. I have not had a migraine in more than a year and counting now.

My mother was not abusive at all during my life and I was relieved when she died. I can't imagine the relief and lifting of burden one feels when an abusive parent dies. So no, it is not shameful. You can only feel what you feel.

Your story is my story. My 93 yr old mother is in hospice now for end stage chf, but not going anywhere it seems any-time soon. A real curve ball is awaiting on the horizon and that is that the battery in her pace maker seems to be running out. She has all the symptoms. She WILL have the choice to replace the device soon OR to let the battery run out and have the device turned off. She is still of sound mind, so this will be up to her. I have been her caretaker for over 7 yrs now and the journey has been pure hell. We never got along and she has been less than thankful that we do everything for her in order to enable her to live independent in her own home. She is still demanding and defiant - even on her worst days.

I was diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma two years ago. I treated for it then, but it has returned and I will do 6 months of chemo. I know this came about due to the stress she has out on me and my husband. Should she choose to receive a new pace maker, I am signing off on any more care. She has other co-morbidities such as invasive squamous cell skin cancer that needs monthly attention with Mohs surgeries. The chf causes her to swell up and she can’t do much on bad days. She is end stage macular degeneration and very blind and also very deaf.

Knowing her and her ego, my bet is that she will elect to have a brand new device implanted which will take her through another 10 yrs. She could live until the age of 103! I doubt she will, but the new battery will buy her more time until something else kicks in.

To say I would be relieved if she chooses NOT to go along with the replacement pacer is an understatement!! If she does elect to do this, I am going to find a nursing home for her. Not to punish her for making this decision, but because I have to concentrate on my own health. As long as she is in this situation with us, I will never find peace in order to heal my very stressed mind and body. Not to mention my husband and my daughter who are done with this too because of the state of my health. I am not a martyr.

We have an appt with hospice tomorrow (mother not included) to discuss their take on the situation. Hospice knows about my health crisis. They have been wonderful in what they do for my mother, so I can concentrate on healing. But I still have to tend to my mother as far as everyday matters however and this will only require more involvement as she gets older.

When the day comes, and she is no longer here, I will be relieved. I have done a good job for a very ungrateful person. I am anxious about what awaits with her decision. But she is selfish and entitled. This is why I will bow out gracefully should she decide to go along with the surgery. The surgery requires only a local anesthesia. Otherwise she wouldn’t do it. She is afraid of general anesthesia.

Sorry for the long-winded post. Just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. Hugs to you. Put it behind you now and take your life back.

As with any conflict, there are likely two sides. However, yours started when you were a child and your mother an adult. It was her responsibility to raise you in a secure, loving way. If she made you feel afraid, unloved and unappreciated, why should you feel guilty at your relief that she is gone and you don't need to feel that way anymore? It is to your credit that you were able to cry for her on her death bed because you felt the sadness you would feel at anyone's suffering. You'll be okay. It sounds like your heart and your conscience are in fine working order.

Dear Tiger,
I had similar experience after my alcoholic father died. I, too, struggled with guilt over feeling relieved. If you feel guilty for feeling relief, it’s natural, since it’s the most normal thing for part of your mind to defend your mom, despite her difficult nature. But please allow yourself to stretch out mentally and embrace the relief God has granted you. Your mom is with God now, and that same God has granted you a life to be happy with your own children. Bless you, dear , and tell your children about their grandmother’s good points. Not everyone who gets pregnant has the temperament to be a good mom. Sounds like you have what it takes.
PS when my dad passed, (whom I loved, but could not control his drinking), I actually celebrated, secretly. A thunderbolt never struck me, and life proceeded a little easier. Do I feel guilty? Not one bit. Do I feel sad that I didn’t have a way to help him? You bet.
But, like our parents, we are mortal and don’t have unlimited time to live our lives. So bless you and I pray you and your family move through life with a few more smiles than before. I promise you, God’s light had brought peace to your dear mom that she could not find while walking this world.
Leo

I, also, had a somewhat abusive relationship with my MIL. She was intentionally intrusive in my marriage, demeaning and demanding, and managed to make me feel unwanted in general. I was, however, her caregiver and did the best I could to care for her, despite my feelings. I toted her to chemo that last year, cleaned her house while she was out of town with my husband, and took her shopping. She actually became grateful though she still left me feeling like I was a necessary evil. In a way, my resentment was a blessing, as I was able to do things for her without being drawn deeply into her pain. Like you, I was compassionate for her suffering, but I was detached enough to force her to allow me to roll her to avoid bedsores (which she hated and fought), or to do other things for her which she either didn't understand or didn't want. My hubby couldn't have handled her pain or her resistance. I was the only one who could the caregiving, and I look back knowing I did what she needed to get her through that last week.

When she died, the first thing I said after her last breath was "I wish we'd been closer!" My own mother and father were sadly lacking in the love department, and it would've been nice to have someone I could call "Mom" with real affection. Such a loss of a relationship.

I held her hand and felt relief. Relief that her suffering was over. Relief that I could finally focus on my own life. Relief that now my husband and I could reconnect and I might actually recover my marriage.

I went to a counselor years ago (see above note on my parents) and one of the things he told me was: Your feelings are your feelings. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Feelings don't have to have any rhyme or reason, they just *are*. You owe no one an explanation or apology for how you feel.

Even though she died a year and a half ago, I still feel relief that she is gone. My husband - a REAL Momma's boy - took a long time to function properly again. That was rough. I have only half a tongue left due to the constant biting of said tongue. He still has overly emotional moments, though I think he's finally moved on. Every event resolves itself, one way or another. We are finally working as a couple to move forward on our businesses and our future. He finally sees me.

Focus on yourself. Don't second guess how you feel, just acknowledge your feelings, learn from them, and move on. You'll be fine.

I often worry about the guilt I will feel when my mom goes. Lately I am dealing with burnout but it seems she is near the end. Im thinking I will feel guilty if she goes soon because how I have been dreaming of my own life. I think we go through multiple feelings when LO dies. Especially when we were caregiver. We have to cut ourselves some slack and realize we did the best we could with what we had. It feels like you mourn the person while they are still alive. At least I do. Just miss the old times when mom was her usual busy 🐝 bee, go-getter. Now watching her suffer and diminish ever so slowly is really hell on earth. Blessings to all caregivers😊

I think that you have had an attachment to your abusive mother--despite her abusive treatment of you. From your comments about how you value being a mother, I think your values support honoring the parent-child bond. Because this bond was traumatic for you, you cannot simply feel grief after your mother's death. Relief is natural since she can no longer torment you with her abuse or require you to perform care which burdens you and takes your time away from your own children. Even people who had loving relationships with their parents often feel relief when death ends a life which has become a burden to everyone--including the parent who suffered while being cared for by their children. I'm 76 years old. Maybe I'm old enough to be your mother. In that case, I would be proud to have a daughter like yourself who still values relationships and wants to keep them despite enduring abuse that should destroy these bonds. I consider your relief entirely natural. My husband died recently after less than 6 months of hospice care. Although I loved him, I was overwhelmed by the burdens of 24/7 caretaking. I am relieved that he died before I could myself become to ill to care for him as he needed. It took me months to recover most of my health. I wish you the best.

No you should not feel guilty at all although I certainly sympathize that in our society most people have good parental relationships so it's hard for THEM to sympathize w/ those of us who didn't - unfortunately we look cold and uncaring when we don't appear to 'feel the right way' toward our abusive/narcissistic parent. But unless one has grown up in that dynamic, they can't possibly understand how we feel.

For years I thought I was the only person who had an emotionally manipulative, emotionally/verbally abusive, controlling, condescending, critical, judgmental, complaining, and rude mother. She had some sort of undiagnosed mental illness(es) - she'd never let us take her to get diagnosed/treated & due to the stigma of mental illness in those days, my dad didn't push it, just pretended it didn't exist - we think she had at a minimum BPD, with lots of anxiety, paranoia, some schizophrenia...and she was most definitely narcissistic.

She was the most awful to me, the oldest, which is not uncommon, but she was pretty hostile to anyone who didn't believe the same things she did, think the same way she did, do what she thought you should in any situation etc. But she'd triangulate between me & my 2 siblings (saying one was badmouthing one of the others etc), which I've also learned is not uncommon. She wasn't happy unless people were fighting with each other, with her at the center of it all. I caught onto her gig first, but eventually my sibs did too & we learned to check with each other before believing any of her crap. Eventually she had no friends of her own left and was at war with everyone in her family. She also managed to drive all my father's friends away as well. It was very sad and isolating for us as kids.

I married the first guy who asked at age 18 just to get the hell away from her (other option that I considered was joining the Army, and almost did before dad talked me out of it). I've always been someone who knows my own mind, very independent, no dummy so I wasn't about to take life advice from someone who'd never gone anywhere or accomplished anything with HER life. She often took sides with my enemies or people who didn't have my best interests at heart. She was incredibly toxic, & later when I had kids I was bound & determined they would have very limited exposure to her (turned out to be good advice because she played the same game with my kids - mean to my daughter, while my son was her favorite).

Naturally, I've wound up being the one caring for her. She's 88 & on hospice care in my home as she has, among other things, severe advanced dementia. I won't even go into how that happened but up until a month ago she still had as much b*tch in her as ever & was driving me nuts. Now she doesn't have long left and I will never be so happy as when she isn't in my life anymore. She never nurtured me - I was never loved for who I was, only to the degree I aligned with her beliefs/opinions - and I was never considered good enough.

I will have to hide my giddiness, especially from my boyfriend, whose mom was also on hospice care at the same time as mine, but who was beloved by many. Her funeral a couple weeks ago looked like a state affair. He was close to her & sorely misses her. To him, my attitude would seem callous even though I've told her what she was like. Most people can't wrap their heads around the notion of terrible moms (Each Mother's Day, finding a card was always a challenge because I never felt anything any of them said). No one will be coming to my mom's funeral except us siblings and maybe a few of the grandkids. My dad was saint to put up with her and probably didn't leave her so we weren't left alone w/her.

As I got older I learned that my mom's mom died when she was young and her older (mean) sister raised her, then there was a custody battle over her between an aunt & her dad, so I had SOME empathy for her. Not much.

So no - you feel what you feel. You should feel NO shame in your situatio

Yes. My Aunt said to me, "you'll feel such a sense of relief. Don't feel guilty." Sadly she knew how my mom was. Time. Give yourself plenty of time. Even a little counseling may help. I did go. It did help me. I'll never know why, but I'm getting better at just accepting what was. I wish you peace and love on your journey of healing.

I certainly don't think it is in anyway wrong and I am glad for you that you are finally feeling safe. It just shows how deeply this type of abuse affects one and you have been abused thoughout your life. Grieve for anything you feel you have lost but celebrate that you are now safe and able to live life in a non abusive situation - you deserve that, I am only sorry it has taken you so long to find it, and for all those who say you should find forgiveness, forget it, they can talk forgiveness when they have lived in your shoes - you may at some point find it helps you to forgive but if it just helps you to move on and put it behind you so be it. Maybe sometime in the future a few hypnotherapy sessions with a qualified therapist not a comedian, or with a counsellor will help you take another step but for now be grateful for the more positive way you are able to feel.

Sometimes its OK but parents remain parents,we shouldn't feel offended when they don't do what we except.we should just embrace them and we help them,there are a lot of things which come along with sickness which of course is normal.

Absolutely NOT! The relief you feel is completely normal. It sounds like you went through a lot of pain at the hands of your mother--someone you should have been able to trust, who should have treated you with love and kindness.

I have a friend who had a similar situation--she spent every day with her mother during the last few years of her mother's life, and her mother was cruel and ungrateful. After her mother died, my friend went to counseling for about a year, to help herself deal with not only the shame/guilt she was feeling over the relief of being free from her abusive mother, but also to deal with the lifelong trauma she experienced. I wonder if some counseling would also benefit you?

No. Never apologize for honesty and honest feelings.

No one - NO ONE - knows what you endured. You ARE entitled to your feelings.

When my horrid uncle passed away there were maybe 25 people at his funeral. 10 of whom HAD to be there. His kids, but no grandkids. I went b/c mother wanted a ride.

This man had worked 40 years in education. Evidently, he touched (in a good way) absolutely no one.

There were NO tears, no emotions other than a huge sigh of relief.

I felt that way when my abusive OB died. Again, took mom to the 'ceremony' his friends cooked up for him. A lot of drumming and burning of sage and total whacked out weirdness. It was good for mother to see how crazy he had become. And, as one of his abuse 'victims' it was cathartic to know he was gone and could no longer hurt me or anyone else.

Mother is 90 and looks like she will live forever. I feel sad that I already have long since 'grieved' any hope of a good relationship with her. She simply should never have had children.

You deserve to feel what you feel, until you don't feel that way anymore.

Counseling may help, if the guilt lasts longer than you feel it should.

Look at all the answers you got in a couple days--you definitely aren't alone in this situation.

Don't feel guilty!! I had the most loving, caring, nurturing mom ever and I loved her with all my heart. But when she passed away at 92, I had been her caregiver for two years. She had dementia and lived with my husband and me. Even with her dementia, she remained loving, cooperative, and grateful. I miss her every day, but I do not feel guilty about her passing. Being a caregiver is all consuming, and I think it would be unnatural to not feel a sense of relief when one gets ones life back. I was dedicated to my mom while she was here, but I don't feel bad about being able to resume my life with my husband, children and grandchildren. You were not fortunate enough to have a great relationship with your mom so you have even more reason to be relieved at her passing. Don't spend anymore time dwelling on this. You need to relish your sense of freedom and safety now that she is gone!

Yoi are not alone. My dad has not passed away yet and we have long life span he's 94 and still going semi strong. However, with this awful disease in the back of my mind I do kind of wish it was over for 2 reasons. One bc I know he's in pain and not the same man I knew growing up but one thing I've never said to anyone that also for me I wish it was over. I think that when it's over great relief will be there. I don't even know if I will cry.
However, my Pastor says I'm going through and will have a transition in my life when he does pass. I love my dad but sometimes not the person he's become.
Get what's called a transition counselor who will help you through this, most have gone through the same thing and understand.

It may surprise you to find many kindred family members who are afraid to say what you think. Listen closely to what they say, you may hear something from someone close who shows they understand and may feel the same way. You grieved already at the time that was right for you.

Not shameful at all. My mom passed in February, and if I'm honest, the main emotion I have felt is relief, for me AND her. Relieved for me, because she was personality disordered and suffered from mental health issues and dementia, and I had been thrust in the role of "mother" to my mom for a long time, having been parentified from a young age, which is a heavy burden to bear; relieved for her, because I saw her suffer greatly as a prisoner of her own mind and afraid and paranoid all the time, a heavy burden she had to bear as well. I know now she is at peace.

I will be even more relieved when I get all of her estate stuff settled and finally have no ties with toxic members of my dysfunctional family, who made caregiving and have even made the probate process difficult. Unfortunately I've had to deal with them to a degree still yet, but I'll be glad when it's done and closed.

Bottom line is you have a right to feel how you feel. Not everyone will 'get it', but that's okay, it's your journey, not theirs.

Do not feel bad, totally enjoy the relief. My mom was abusive and mixed with some good behavior. I am so glad she's gone and I don't have to deal with all that came with her. I just bagged up all her clothes for Goodwill and didn't feel sadness. There was a bit of- nostalgia (?) Putting away the sweaters she knit. It's kind of a strange feeling. I also went thru lots of rage/pain processing childhood stuff and did some healing. This is a good time to feel some of that, since feelings come up right now. But enjoy the relief! Best wishes. thanks

Not shameful at all or if it is..... Im proud
for me it was my father.
I was number two child and I just took it that I felt the fists, got the blame for everything, and tried to work out what it was that I had done wrong.
But being a child accepted that was life
I was suspicious about his dementia, and he was smart enough to be rude to me so that Id stay away. Id visit my mother yearly and put up with the abuse that kept on coming, mainly cos I flicked it off my shoulders when they were then in their 80s.
I did make some barbed comments to him, that were fairly mild, but he knew without a doubt there was no love coming from my angle.
Im pleased he died, and I didnt feel one moment of emotional twang, he was 94 so had more than a good innings and a good 60+ years of making 5 children very miserable, which he constantly reminded us that he had the right to do.
Its been interesting watching the siblings, then take on his role of dominating and trying to bully my mother, I feel divorced to most of them, as I found their behaviour disgusting
Nah, you are good, in fact very good. and Im sorry that your life was so ruined. I hope you are able to enjoy your own children now, and actually be truthful about how things were. They deserve to know, and you deserve to share the burden placed upon you.
You certainly are not alone

Unequivocally not!

To be honest, during the 12+/- years I took care of her, her personal business, her property, etc. there was a span of time where I mourned the loss of the good relationship she & I once had. By the time she died, I was a mental & physical wreck because I wasn't eating right, I was pulled in so many directions by the responsibilities I'd taken on that I couldn't think straight & I was in desperate need of a 2nd major surgery that I'd put off because there was so much to do. I'd had a surprise surgery that as far as I can tell has saved my life the 7 months prior to her death & I was stressed with needing to take care of my own personal business as well as hers.

In the end, she apologized for leaving me with such a mess. (She was a hoarder with 4 houses that had piles above my head & dangerous paths I had to navigate in order to get any where. However, she never apologized for the verbal & physical abuse she heaped upon me during those 12+/- years.

Initially, I was sort of shocked at my indifference; but, then again, she was her own worse enemy & if she'd have gone about things differently, her final years would have been much different

This is not to say at one time she wasn't a great person to be around, because there were times before those 12+/- years that I remember fondly, But I gave enough of my own life to her - more than I should have in order to do the right thing.

And then again, was it the right thing? I really don't know. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of older people out there with no one or who don't want to "bother" their children or whose children just don't give a damn or their children are so caught up in their own lives that they can't see further than the end of their hand who end up dying when they didn't have to.

My dad used to asked me, "Whoever told you life was fair?" & he was so right.

My advice is take whatever time you have left (we usually have no idea how much time we have) & go live your life as you see fit.

I may sound cold hearted but when you're gone, you're gone.