I didn't hate my mother, but I was quite afraid of her my entire life. Things went ok after I learned how to behave to keep her happy, though I had panic attacks from childhood through my 20's. Got married just to get away from her. Loved being a mom, always talked tenderly to my kids: to avoid how I grew up. After 24 yrs, I divorced, & mother needed help shortly afterwards. I didn't expect the panic to come back, but she was impossible to please & nasty, (memories of my past flooded in).
Now, 6yrs later, she's dead, & I suddenly feel safe. I did cry for a week during her palliative care, (sorry for her misery). Now I cope by taking the advice of many here: exercising & keeping busy (with the estate for now). But I'm surprised at the relief I feel (& cannot tell my family that stuff). Anyone had similar? Thank you.
(((((hugs)))))). My thinking is that you can't help how you feel. If talking here doesn't help enough, find a therapist who can help you work through this--it's us sane folks who need to go to therapy sometimes.
I'm sorry for your loss, and for your distress. Please keep posting here!
My mom and stepdad were not abusers. My stepdad passed suddenly in 2000, and Mom lingered terribly for years, especially her last six months. I was relieved--and still am--that her pain is over. I am also relieved for myself and caring for her (and three abusive sisters) is over. I don't feel shame at my relief.
I hope you can find a therapist to help you see you're fine. Panic attacks are common from what you've been through. It'll take time and mental/emotional help to see you through. When I came home after caring for Mom in another state, one simple request to me sent me into a panic attack so bad I had to see my doctor. I hope you also find a family member you can confide in. You may find you're not alone in your feelings because of your mother's actions.
Now it is time to deal with your past for once and for all and move forward. Find a therapist to help you do that!
Yes, a weight has been lifted.
All the best.
Twisteds are the worst part of any of the past eight years for me to deal with.
And my mom did the best she could.
If I were to walk away from my father I would be walking away from mother too and I am not doing that. I fight to get through every day and keep well. I will deeply regret when my mother passes because I haven't been able to spend enough quality time with her. She insisted on staying with him even though she had the chance to leave 20 years ago with the support of the entire extended family. He tells me I will be "deeply sorry" when he goes (probably something to do with his Will which he no doubt will arrange so its effects last way beyond his ending) but I think the benefits will outweigh the drawbacks.
With regard to the hitman, report what she said to her doctor, those in charge of the nursing home and also the local police. Better still write a letter to her doctor and send copies of that letter to those in charge of the nursing home and the local police. She may have dementia but if her behaviour is consistent with the ways it was while she was lucid put that in the letter too.
I think people with narcissistic parents do their mourning while they are alive, mourning the lack of security and unconditional love they should be getting from their parents and wondering what is wrong with them and what have they done wrong before the penny finally drops and they realise their narcissistic parent/s are totally messed up!
My mother was a sweetheart, did everything she could to keep our dad happy, who frankly was a tyrant when he was home. She tried so hard to give us a good upbringing, I miss her so much. Mom passed young, when she passed it was discovered dad could barely read, not from lack of education, from learning disability and hearing problem he was probably born with that had never been addressed. Mom did everything from keep the home together, take care of us kids and everything dad told her to do, everything. I realize now what she must have gone through on a daily basis to get this man to understand basic management of anything and responsibility to other people, beyond responsibility of just himself. My dad is the narcissist. I think he developed into being so self centric from being treated poorly when he was younger. Who knows for sure, is narcissism developed or are you born with it? Maybe both. Anyway, I do love my dad, I feel bad for him actually now after so many years and having learned so much more of his background, how he grew up. When he passes, part of me will be sad, part of me will be relieved. We are all only human. We go through so much in caregiving how could you not be happy to be free and that is basically what we're talking about, being free. I really do feel that caregiving is the hardest job that many people cannot do, those who can are a special group.
It's ok to be relieved. In fact, it's pretty darned healthy. Congratulations on knowing your true emotions.
hugs from New England
The parent is likely to be relieved with their own release, as well. I’ve always thought, those who inflict hell on others must have an even worse version inside. It doesn’t make it okay, it just means we can feel what we need to on behalf of our own selves.
I read the posts, but can't comment in a like vein.
I felt much-needed relief after my mother passed on because she lived to be 95, and at 67, I had had a lifetime of criticism, control, or attempted control, gossip, complaining, and rudeness. I am sure that my mother did love me to her own extent; and perhaps didn't realize how unpleasant she made my life. She always thought she was right and others were wrong.
Well, that was 5 years ago, and now I am seeing more complaining, rudeness, yelling and obstinate behavior from my husband, who is 7 years older than I am. That means that I had a brief window of relief; but alas, again, I am wondering where and when I will have peace. I sincerely attempt to be agreeable, and each day I have to deal with something that triggers my elderly husband. He makes rude facial expressions in public for a few seconds if the waitress doesn't have the jelly or drink that he'd like. Those few seconds ruin it for me for hours. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable. We dine out a couple of times a week. If I try to remind him that he shouldn't do things like that, he rages. He has always had a quick temper, and is genuinely a helpful person, but had a bad upbringing. He has regular check ups and also has diabetes and high blood pressure, being dealt with, with medication. Just getting older seems to be the last straw. No, he is not agreeable to counseling, etc..because he thinks I am the problem, not him.
Looks like I will possibly outlive those who harm my life and then I will have peace. I find these people are definitely not agreeable to getting help.