Is it shameful to feel relieved when abusive parent dies?

Tiger, my parents weren't abusive. But I was never close to either of them, for whatever reason. I felt great relief when each of them died. Not something you tell your grieving family, right?

(((((hugs)))))). My thinking is that you can't help how you feel. If talking here doesn't help enough, find a therapist who can help you work through this--it's us sane folks who need to go to therapy sometimes.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your distress. Please keep posting here!

To answer your topic question: no. It's not shameful to be free from your abuser. You're entitled to your feeling of relief. You sound like an wonderful person who was subjected to a lot but made it through somehow to become a good parent and break that cycle.

My mom and stepdad were not abusers. My stepdad passed suddenly in 2000, and Mom lingered terribly for years, especially her last six months. I was relieved--and still am--that her pain is over. I am also relieved for myself and caring for her (and three abusive sisters) is over. I don't feel shame at my relief.

I hope you can find a therapist to help you see you're fine. Panic attacks are common from what you've been through. It'll take time and mental/emotional help to see you through. When I came home after caring for Mom in another state, one simple request to me sent me into a panic attack so bad I had to see my doctor. I hope you also find a family member you can confide in. You may find you're not alone in your feelings because of your mother's actions.

Tiger, I think the relief you are feeling is quite normal. I agree we cannot admit that to many, but no need to carry guilt for any of that. I am sorry for her passing and the illness she suffered with. You say you feel safe now, and I am so happy to hear that. Stay with it. Enjoy this new feeling and continue to do what you need to keep feeling that way. Build a life where your well being is at the center. Doing so will allow you to be the best version of yourself for your kids, other loved ones, career, friends, and life events. You have done well, and now you have the rest of your life ahead.

You have no reason to feel ashamed. People will not understand, so I would discuss this with a psychologist or Licensed Social Worker used to working with these difficult issues, so you don't have to deal with more issues. But no, not everyone is worthy of our love, or of our mourning. It is sad, but it is true.

I have one question - what on earth do you feel sorry for? You did not have a good relationship. Remember, what you sow is what you reap. When they are abusive and mean, you owe them nothing. Your heart is broken for what you did not have from her and that is perfectly normal. Be thankful and relieved that the past is gone and buried. Now you are free to seek a better and happier life. If you can't talk to the family, talk to a therapist to get your feelings out in the open. Don't hold them in. Good luck on your new happier days.

No it is not wrong to feel relief from someone who abused you. Actually, I think it is normal to feel what you feel. I am sorry for your loss, but I am so happy that you have been given a second chance to have a safe and a new beginning. You deserve so much more in this life! And as Alva stated "not everyone is worthy of our love, or our mourning."

Now it is time to deal with your past for once and for all and move forward. Find a therapist to help you do that!


Hugs!!!

My Mom was a good Mom. Never really expected much from her kids. I was the one who was there. Oldest child and oldest daughter. I chose to stay in the same town. It was always me. You know what I mean. Then its getting Mom in an AL and managing her money because there was a house. Then LTC. She passed at 89. Yes, a weight has been lifted. I don't need to worry about her anymore. It was hard watching her decline. Hard being the one who had to make decisions and hoping it was the correct one. I also had a Special Needs nephew I had to deal with that she wanted living with her. Once she started to decline, someone had to step up.

Yes, a weight has been lifted.

I don't think, for one single minute, that it's 'shameful' for you to feel relief that your mother is no longer here on earth to abuse you. What I DO think, however, is that she's done ENOUGH harm to you and that you now need to figure a way to get rid of ALL the guilt/shame/fear that you've harbored for all these years. It doesn't just go poof and disappear once the abuser passes away.........I think you need to speak to someone about it all and have a course of action to take to get PAST all of it. You know? It's YOUR time now, to be free and clear of ALL negativity tied to your mother, and to live a life that's happy and fearless. It's okay to live without panic attacks, and without walking on eggshells worrying that you may say something 'wrong' and set her off. I know from where I speak. To be honest, all I ever wanted from life was to get AWAY from my mother. And here I am, at 62 years old, an only child, responsible for everything regarding her care (she lives in Memory Care), her finances, EVERYTHING. There is constant drama ALL the time, and no escape in sight. I will tell you this, dear Tiger: I will feel TREMENDOUS relief when my mother finally passes away. Whether that statement is 'right' or 'wrong', it's the God's honest truth and I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you'll see you're not alone with your feelings.
All the best.

My answer is No. My mother is 94 and a real B on wheels. For me, and other family members, it will be a relief when she dies. As long as she is alive, I will do what I have to...to make sure she is safe and properly cared for. Believe me, I get it!

I agree that you should not feel guilty. If you did the best you could that is all you can do. My mother is still alive and living next door with 24/7 care provided by myself and one caregiver. I am not looking forward to her death but her passing, yes I will miss her dearly, will be an end to her suffering and struggles.

Tiger, nothing at all wrong with feeling relief. I was relieved when I found out mom had been accepted for hospice, relieved when she finally passed, will be relieved when estate is closed out two years later, relieved when I don't have to play nicey face with twisted sissies in order to try to get them to play nice.

Twisteds are the worst part of any of the past eight years for me to deal with.

And my mom did the best she could.

NO!! Nothing is wrong with the feeling of relief. Same here & I did not cry, although I was worried about my dad. I never told him how badly she abused me. If you have been abused as a child, your nervous system could be damaged.

Your mind is a reactive organ. You do not control the impulses, thoughts that pass through it. Ignore them as needed.

Yes, except I am not quite there yet. My very narsassitic and abusive mother is stubbornly staying alive just to spite me. I am looking forward to finally being safe. Although she is in a nursing home and can no longer stalk me, she has discussed hiring a hitman to take me out. As she has dementia, most people just dismiss it as idle talk but it is my life on the line. I can't take the chance that someone might follow through with her plans that she started 3 years ago. I will mourn her passing but I will also celebrate being safe when she is gone. I already mourn not having a good mother who actually cares about me. She has never cared about me except to use me as a physical, mental, and emotional punching bag. So, don't feel guilty. Enjoy your freedom. I hope to someday have the chance to be free as well.

I anticipate relief when both of my parents pass. When I first realized those feelings, I thought that I must be an awful person. But now, they have put me through so, so much in their elder years (alcoholics, self-destructive behaviors) that I have come to terms with my feelings. Sometimes I daydream of the freedom away from waiting for the next emergency. My mom was Baker-Acted yesterday (for the second time in two months) due to alcohol and prescription drug abuse. Just knowing she is locked up in a mental-health facility, and someone ELSE's problem for a while, has brought me some temporary relief and joy.

You have much to be PROUD of.

Tiger 55, you are free now. When you wake in the morning breathe in the freedom and enjoy being able to do what you want and spend time with your own family without feeling guilty. You have no reason to feel bad whatsoever. Join a few dance classes and give yourself the excuse to jump for joy several times a week for an hour. Counselling might help too.

I think people with narcissistic parents do their mourning while they are alive, mourning the lack of security and unconditional love they should be getting from their parents and wondering what is wrong with them and what have they done wrong before the penny finally drops and they realise their narcissistic parent/s are totally messed up!

I will keep this brief but No absolutely not!! My childhood has affected my whole life and when my dad died I felt relief not grief and I'm not ashamed of it!!

Shame doesn’t belong on you...it means you did something wrong and need to feel remorse. I’m sure that feeling is a carry over from the verbal abuse your mom heaped on you. It isn’t easy to shake these things. I know you said person to person therapy would be difficult but it would truly be the best way to release some of the pent up anger, longing and sadness you carry. When we keep it bottled up it affects us in many ways. Therapists have seen it all, believe me. They are used to clients crying and sobbing. Ask me how I know. Your mom as you stated "but mostly mourn the kindness of a mother & her hugs that I never had" was never a true mother or nurturer. You need to find ways to mother yourself. A therapist can help you through all that. You sound like a kind and loving person despite what you went through. Relief is a perfectly fine emotion to feel. I will feel the same when my father dies.

I don't think there's any shame in it at all. What you feel seems very normal and understandable to me. I am sad for you that you had this painful relationship, but I think you should give yourself a tremendous amount of credit for the work you did to help her when she needed it. And it's completely OK to feel relieved now.

My wife, in fact, had an extremely abusive father. Not just to my wife, but to the entire family. She doesn't talk about it much anymore, but she was relieved at his passing.......there are things that are dumped on children that children have no control over and is it any wonder that there is some type of damage carried over from it? Relief that your mom is gone? It's an honest feeling. In some of the ways that you mom made you feel, she didn't care about how they made you feel.....don't feel guilty in feeling relief. And if, in your heart, you can't forgive how she treated you? That, too, is an honest feeling. Listen, ya feel what ya feel, ya know?

No, it's not shameful. I do have to say though it's sad to see so many people with narcissistic mothers but it makes sense since most raising of children is on mom, I grew up with the "she'll take care of it" by my dad. Where is there not a hand it over to her she'll take care of it mentality, in any type of caregiving.

My mother was a sweetheart, did everything she could to keep our dad happy, who frankly was a tyrant when he was home. She tried so hard to give us a good upbringing, I miss her so much. Mom passed young, when she passed it was discovered dad could barely read, not from lack of education, from learning disability and hearing problem he was probably born with that had never been addressed. Mom did everything from keep the home together, take care of us kids and everything dad told her to do, everything. I realize now what she must have gone through on a daily basis to get this man to understand basic management of anything and responsibility to other people, beyond responsibility of just himself. My dad is the narcissist. I think he developed into being so self centric from being treated poorly when he was younger. Who knows for sure, is narcissism developed or are you born with it? Maybe both. Anyway, I do love my dad, I feel bad for him actually now after so many years and having learned so much more of his background, how he grew up. When he passes, part of me will be sad, part of me will be relieved. We are all only human. We go through so much in caregiving how could you not be happy to be free and that is basically what we're talking about, being free. I really do feel that caregiving is the hardest job that many people cannot do, those who can are a special group.

Hello - My narcissistic OCD controlling abusive mother died in April. I found great solace in any article I could find that essentially was under the heading of "how to grieve a narcissistic mother". I knew from years of therapy it would never be my mother I would grieve...and I don't. I don't miss her even a little bit. I didnt even think about calling her for 10 weeks. However, there is something you might find it helpful/healthy to do and that is to grieve the loss of the relationship you always wanted with her, that one you did all you could as a child, teen, adult to earn and you never did. It's hard to let that fantasy go and harder to understand and accept the time and energy you lost trying to be worthy of someone not worthy of you.
It's ok to be relieved. In fact, it's pretty darned healthy. Congratulations on knowing your true emotions.
hugs from New England

I feel for you. God bless you for going back as you did. My late father had Parkinson's, which can make the patient very suspicious and vengeful, when they normally aren't. He always was moody and a bit paranoid, but I didn't realize when he got worse, it was his disease. I got the brunt of the verbal abuse and paranoid accusations, as the only female child - he'd been bullied and abused by his four sisters growing up, and I always felt that got transferred to me late in his life. Anyway, when he died, I had become his guardian, which in a way made matters worse but couldn't be helped. Nobody else would or could do it, and Mom had dropped dead suddenly, her life shortened I believe by caring for him constantly. Anyway, I did feel guilt at my relief. I prayed about this many times and have finally realized that when we meet in Heaven, God willing, he'll be normal again - the person he was always meant to be - and I'll be totally healed from this experience. Live your life as God intended now. God bless you.

Just adding my support and recognition of all of you here. 💐

The parent is likely to be relieved with their own release, as well. I’ve always thought, those who inflict hell on others must have an even worse version inside. It doesn’t make it okay, it just means we can feel what we need to on behalf of our own selves.

For conciseness’ sake, the answer to the question is NO!

I had the same feelings for many many years but now after 15 years that feeling has gone and I now feel sorry for her not realising that I loved her so much.

Maybe you felt relief not only for yourself but for your Mother to. It was hard to see her suffer, I'm sure.

I see all of the tributes on Facebook, commemorating mothers who have passed on. Some people mention how much they miss their mother/father.
I read the posts, but can't comment in a like vein.
I felt much-needed relief after my mother passed on because she lived to be 95, and at 67, I had had a lifetime of criticism, control, or attempted control, gossip, complaining, and rudeness. I am sure that my mother did love me to her own extent; and perhaps didn't realize how unpleasant she made my life. She always thought she was right and others were wrong.
Well, that was 5 years ago, and now I am seeing more complaining, rudeness, yelling and obstinate behavior from my husband, who is 7 years older than I am. That means that I had a brief window of relief; but alas, again, I am wondering where and when I will have peace. I sincerely attempt to be agreeable, and each day I have to deal with something that triggers my elderly husband. He makes rude facial expressions in public for a few seconds if the waitress doesn't have the jelly or drink that he'd like. Those few seconds ruin it for me for hours. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable. We dine out a couple of times a week. If I try to remind him that he shouldn't do things like that, he rages. He has always had a quick temper, and is genuinely a helpful person, but had a bad upbringing. He has regular check ups and also has diabetes and high blood pressure, being dealt with, with medication. Just getting older seems to be the last straw. No, he is not agreeable to counseling, etc..because he thinks I am the problem, not him.
Looks like I will possibly outlive those who harm my life and then I will have peace. I find these people are definitely not agreeable to getting help.

I get it. The constant abuse wears one down. Love you one day and abuse you the next. Time for you to enjoy your life! Let it go! ❤️