I didn't hate my mother, but I was quite afraid of her my entire life. Things went ok after I learned how to behave to keep her happy, though I had panic attacks from childhood through my 20's. Got married just to get away from her. Loved being a mom, always talked tenderly to my kids: to avoid how I grew up. After 24 yrs, I divorced, & mother needed help shortly afterwards. I didn't expect the panic to come back, but she was impossible to please & nasty, (memories of my past flooded in).
Now, 6yrs later, she's dead, & I suddenly feel safe. I did cry for a week during her palliative care, (sorry for her misery). Now I cope by taking the advice of many here: exercising & keeping busy (with the estate for now). But I'm surprised at the relief I feel (& cannot tell my family that stuff). Anyone had similar? Thank you.
Do what you can to make your own life BETTER from here.
He was a nasty aggressive, abusive narcissist who would manipulate situations to try and spread resentment and hate among people, whilst pretending to be nice.
After all these years I still have panic attacks if I have to read or speak in public. When I was 6 he beat me every couple of days with his belt if I couldn’t read the words from my school reading book. In the end I was so scared of reading I’d hide my school books or lie and say I wasn’t given one to avoid the beatings. He’d then brag to my aunt on how stupid and thick I was, and that I wouldn’t amount to anything. I have spent my whole life trying to avoid him and the verbal abuse.
I had never had anyone to fight my corner and was too ashamed to bring boyfriends home in the past, until I got married a few years back. My husband experienced his behaviour first hand and was shocked, but all came to a head a few months ago when my father was told had to have an operation. Unfortunately he became even more bitter and nasty on my last visit prior to surgery, to the point my husband had to step in.
I told him goodbye and explained to my mother I would not be seeing him ever again, this time he'd gone too far, but to keep me abreast of his progress.
My mother is a vacuous, immature, weak, personality who was easily influenced by my father, she behaved and treated me exactly the same way as he did. Her only saving grace is she is sensitive so would show some kindness at times toward me. But if my father was around she’d switch and treated me the same way as he did. That didn’t stop him from being verbally abusive toward her, she’d sometimes try to argue back but to no avail.
I feel sorry for her because it’s clear this is due to a lack of proper parenting, confidence, and self-worth, whereas I feel no sympathy for my dead father. Even as I type I’m scared he’s going to find out and hurt me, which is daft I know but that’s what trauma does to you.
For everyone who has suffered by the hands of these dysfunctional rotter’s, find solace in that there are many more people out there who feel/felt the same as you do, but are/were too scared to say it out aloud. Be brave, embrace your feelings and find peace. x
I have as little to do with her as possible. The few times I have been around her she still, even with dementia, gaslights and it just rips the bandaid off old wounds I’ve tried to deal with. Inheritance or not( I expect my sister will attempt to get me off the will), I’ll be glad when she’s gone. Honestly, too much water under that bridge and it’s not going change. Better for me to move on and be with people who actually DO love and appreciate me.
I had a very angry and emotionally abusive father. I was so relieved when I heard he died because my fear was I would have to take care of him and I feared for my mental health. After he died, I sang all the way to the hospital, felt a huge weight off my shoulders, about cried for happiness that the pain would stop for him and for all of us in the family. I am happy for you and do let yourself dance and sing with joy. You are normal and wise. You recognized the abuse and are careful to not pass that on to your children. You broke the chain of abuse. You are to be commended!
In a counseling session I would ask if it was okay to say "congratulations, for being free from the abuse ." 🧸😊 And here I would add that, "you're free from abuse that wasn't your fault no matter what you were told."
It's not your fault,
it was NEVER your fault.
It's not your fault
It's not your fault
You were likely shamed for your entire life, which is a tactic manipulative psychological abusers love to implement. Guilt and shame. It was all about controlling you, through guilt and shame. Now that you're away from that abuse, you'll begin to realize more stuff about your mother's tactics. It's not your fault.
Although your mind has been trained to utilize the same shame tactics bestowed upon you by your abusive mum, you have permission from everyone here to feel relieved. You can, again exhale in relief. 💚
I know I sound terrible saying all these things, but I can't bottle them up any longer.
Yes I have a very complex dynamic with my father in. that I love him but resent him also.
This is so common. I know many people in your shoes. My MIL had a hateful mother and MIL was an only child so she caught the entire brunt of it. Some people had a less than desirable mother. It’s unfortunate. She always told me that she would never treat me like she was treated. She kept her word. She was so lovely to me. She used to pray that she wouldn’t turn into her mom. She didn’t use that frame of reference. She broke the cycle!
After I married my husband I would help take care of the old ‘witch’ (I mean grandma, Hahaha, sorry for my brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor!) so MIL could have a break from her mother. She was horrible. I can empathize because I only had a taste of it from hubby’s grandma but you carried the brunt like my MIL did. Sorry that happened to you.
My MIL also had a rotten MIL too. My mother in law said to me one day, “Do you know how lucky you are to have your mom and me, your MIL love you?” She didn’t have that love from her family. I told her that I was grateful for their love. MIL has been dead for a long time now but she lives in my heart forever. I learned a lot from her love and wisdom.
Years later at her mom’s and her MIL’s funeral she was crying. I offered condolences. She replied to me something I will never forget, she said, “I am not crying because they are dead, I am crying for what could have been. It didn’t have to be like it was. They didn’t have to hate me. I only wanted to love them and be loved.” How sad. Her mother wrote hate mail from the hospital bed to all of us. Most people want to have peace before death. She kept hating.
So to answer your question, your feelings or emotions are completely normal! Hugs!
I have always loved reading your posts. You remind me of my sweet MIL. The damage didn’t destroy you. You turned it around and showed love and compassion to others.
I would bet my last dollar if I asked your children if they felt your love they would unanimously say yes! I so admire people who don’t pass on the hurt because it’s very easy for hurting people to hurt others. Take care, Tiger.
Parents are simply human beings who created and shaped you. There are many sayings and proverbs about this type of things, i.e. "the family you come from is seldom the family you end up with," etc.
It's very difficult to grapple with the concept that hey my parent was a total manipulator or he/she was actually pretty cruel, etc., simply because people who instill fear or shame or other negative self-esteem threatening emotions within us often exploit our vulnerability and as a built-in fail safe mechanism, we become afraid to speak out or deviate from the sense of identity we've developed as a result of those formative behaviours.
I loved my father and mourned the man he was before the stroke. But I was relieved when he died. He did nothing to help himself recover, just gave up and did the bare minimum. He would sit in the kitchen all day while Mom cooked and cleaned and waited on him. I told them both that I was not going to be the maid and hired care givers and cleaners that he was rude and dismissive to.
He finally accepted help when his condition deteriorated to the point he couldn’t stand up without help but was not happy about it.
So when he died I was relieved that the stress and worry was over. The first day my sister, Momand I cleared out the "nest" of clutter he had amassed around his chair. It was very cathartic to all of us to get rid of that stuff.
Each chapter in the booklet is 2 -3 short pages, and your question is one of many that are treated with wonderful insight.
After the tree on the front cover, there is only 1 other picture illustration in the booklet. It is a diagram of all the bad feelings that can overwhelm a person if they don't admit and (as the title recommends) experience grieving. It is a picture of serious problems that sprout and spout from "denial" of grief.
Your thoughful post points toward the path to healing that all of us need to seek.
It took me along time to realize the jealousy she had. My mother lost her teenage years and her younger adult years when she married at 14. She didn't realize all that until I started to grow up. She despised my independence. She showered my sister's with love and material things. She had me working at 12 yrs old.
She controlled me most of my life and I do think that's the reason my marriages failed.
My single's life between marriages, she was the worst. I had children and she went after them too. That woke me up. No more! Did she still yell at me ? Hell yeah! Did it bother me. No!
Now in my sixties, Mom has been sick for two years and she is as hateful as ever. I thought I was past all that abuse but those memories are back and the hurt too.
Yep, I take care of her. Do it all like many on this blog. I do it because my Dad is almost at the end of his life journey and she is there as well.
I don't hate her. She is part of the reason I have a wonderful relationship with my children and the wonderful man in my life. She taught me to NEVER be like her.
So sometimes I'm strong and I have to work through my feelings. My Dad raised my Mom and spoiled her, however she also needs to be held accountable for her behavior.
Now, I have had a few battles with her. No abuse, no name calling from me but she knows where I stand. I leave wounded and hurt but will not go back to that abuse that is hurtful now like it was yesterday.
Will I feel relieved when she is gone? Probably so but I will miss the hope of the Mom she could of been. But then again, to my childre/grandchildren, my hope is that I have became that person she could never me.
You sound like a wonderful and caring person. You did all you could and more. That in itself is a victory. No shame should befall you.
Blessings to you.
My oldest sister didn't get along with our mother for reasons I don't really understand. When our mother died, this sister wasted no time going on social media and proclaiming to the world how delighted she was that our mother was dead. I have no intention of ever speaking to that sister again.