Is it just me that has such a hard time finding a place to fit in & something meaningful to do after LO has died?

Yeah, it's hard to find a place where I fit... even though I still have a few good friends I hardly ever see them, everyone else is so busy with their families or their jobs.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Have you given yourself time to grieve? Sometimes we need to give ourselves more time to figure things out before we try to get involved in something after the death of a loved one.

Give yourself more time to think about what you really like to do. Just because you are a Senior doesn’t mean you need to stick with just Seniors when seeking volunteer opportunities. My aunt always said the women at her center only cared about “hooking up” with the few men who were there and were pretty witchy to the other women. The woman who said she didn’t like your ideas, well...maybe next time wait until you’ve been there for a good while before sharing your ideas, as good as they may be.

Give thought to what you really like to do. Love animals? Volunteer at a shelter or with a rescue. Foster homeless animals if you’d care to. Love kids? Find a school program in your area who looks for Seniors to come read to the children. Want to make a difference but still be with a group? Our area has a group of Seniors who run a thrift shop for low income people. It includes a cafeteria that serves meals to them.

There are other things to do besides Senior Centers. Good luck. Hope you find something you love to do.

Obviously, I don't know you, but I do know that it can be hard to get back to regular life after a long stretch of caring for someone and I think making friends is difficult for lots of people.

That said, since you found the people at the second senior center to be very nice, why not go back there? You don't have to volunteer -- you could just attend activities and play cards or whatever.

I don't know what you mean when you say the volunteer coordinator "didn't like my ideas". Were you suggesting improvements? (Forgive me if my guess is incorrect.) If so, she may not feel she knows you well enough, or that you know the jobs well enough to suggest something before you begin volunteering. Or she (he) may just be very threatened about an outsider suggesting something new. Regardless, you could go back and just offer to volunteer wherever you are needed.

If the volunteer coordinator doesn't want you now, just go to the activities and skip volunteering. The important thing is to keep going back and give it some time (two or three months? more?) before you evaluate how things are going.

Being the new kid on the block usually means you have to be the easygoing one (I don't mean you have to bend to peer pressure or anything that conflicts with your values). Just sort of "fit in" with the established group and be friendly, but don't expect people to warm up too quickly. Go and have fun, chat with a few people and leave it at that for a bit. You don't want to seem needy (even if you FEEL needy right now).

After a while, you may find someone who is fun and seems to be a potential friend. Consider asking him/her to meet up at the center one time for a particular lecture, or games, or whatever. Try not to feel rejected if that person isn't receptive. Wait a bit until you find someone else who is friendly and try again. Keep at it.

Give it (and yourself, as you are so recently bereaved) time.

Tiger, sounds like volunteering at a senior center isn't the right fit, and there isn't anything wrong with that. You need to look for other volunteering openings that make you feel like everything is right with the world.

I do volunteering at the regional hospital, at the front information desk. When giving directions, if the person looks like a deer in headlights, I will walk them to their destination, and they couldn't thank me enough.

My desk mate is a lovely woman from India who had moved to the States decades ago. She was dealing with elderly in-laws visiting [a visit was over a year long] from the old country, so she and I were comparing notes... it was like free therapy for the both of us. Interesting, dealing with elders is the same everywhere in the world.

If hospitals isn't your thing, and that can be understandable.... maybe do something that is your passion which isn't related to assisting living or hospitals, etc. Here are other ideas:

Local fire/rescue houses. You don't need to know how to use a pick ax, there could be an opening for admin work.

Local library. I remember back 40 years ago, I use to shelve books.

National parks. Great if you love the outdoors, also they may need admin work.

Food panties. Help shelve the incoming items, help bag items, help in soup kitchen if you enjoying cooking.

Habitat for Humanity.

The American Red Cross.

Speak a second language? So many places need interpreters.

Love local history? See if any of the museums need volunteers.

Non-profit thrift shops always need volunteers.

Feeling hyper sensitive after a LO dies is pretty normal. So, every little negative experience out there in the world is felt so much more deeply and it hurts so much more. That's why self care during this sad time is so very important. Remember, you are very sensitive right now, so anything that goes wrong is going to feel 10 times worse. Therefore try and keep that in mind, and try and do alot of positive things for yourself. Here you are being generous and trying to help others by volunteering.. but maybe you need to do some nice things for yourself now... like take weekly massages, go for walks, go to the spa. And talk to friends, even if it just here. Big hug and condolences regarding your LO. xx

To help me heal from a chronic illness, I have volunteered as a Master Gardener. They don't expect you to know anything about gardening, just be interested in learning and wanting to help educate the public about gardening. It's generally an 8 week commitment with reading, homework, and lectures. I love hanging out with gardeners, there is always something new to learn and its a neutral topic of discussion.

Jumping off from your grandchildren comment, you might consider volunteering at a school, park, museum, day care or library or other organization that has children services and see if you enjoy spending time with other people's grandchildren. In my area the local schools have several openings from reading books to helping out in the pre-k and kindergarten serving snacks and buttoning coats. Our community center and some parks need people who facilitate kids "checking out" rackets, ping pong paddles/balls, jump ropes, etc. My town has a "hands on children's museum" with exhibits children are meant to touch and always needs helpers (my favorite is helping out with the stage where there's lots of costumes for the kids to play dress up). You might start slowly helping out in a church nursery on Sunday to see if you like dealing with other people's grandchildren. Several of the larger churches in our area have a children's church while their parents attend the sermon where I enjoy helping (although I haven't in a year or so).

Right now I'm supervising alternate weekend parental visitation for a divorcing couple with young children. One spouse has a drug problem but is a lovely person when sober. I pick up the kids from their home with the custodial parent and meet the non-custodial parent at some agreed upon venue (like a park), make sure the parent appears sober, watch the kids play for a couple of hours, then usually transport them to Dairy Queen for a snack with their parent before taking them home. This afternoon the kids went wading in a stream running through a local park and fed some bread to the ducks there.

Tiger - when you face rejections, it's easy to feel discouraged. I try to remember that when one door closes, another will open. When some things don't work out, perhaps, invisible hands are steering you away from those places and are leading you to some other places that are meant for you. So keep trying.

My mother made a lot of new friends at a water walking class. The exercise was good and the group talked before and after class. After a few months they started organizing a monthly lunch and then an annual Christmas party at someone's home. It became a social club and even after ladies dropped out of the exercise class, they still participated in the social club for years afterwards.

A group of my high school friends reconnected on FB and meet every couple of months for a dinner. Interesting enough, we all have or are caring for aging parents.

There are also some book clubs on FB where everyone reads the same book and discusses it online. I'm a reader and a techie so something I can do from my home (where care giving or my asthma often pins me these days) is useful for me.

When my marriage ended, I know not the same as losing a parent, but grieving all the same, I joined a quilting group in the city next door.

I did not a soul in the group, which meant nobody knew about the ugly divorce I was going through. I had not made a quilt in 25 years, but wanted to start again. It was quite wonderful to be me, not a mum, exwife, etc. It was a good option for me because it had no links to my past life.

Tiger, we have discussed being raised by abusive parents, even once they have died the abuse remains. Please continue your therapy during the grieving process.

You could volunteer at schools. Teachers sometimes use a volunteer mentoring program where students who are lagging slightly sit with a person in a quiet place and do their reading assignments with someone who can be helpful to them with pronunciations, word meanings, encouragements etc. Or with mathematics encouragements. The best age groups to work with are the lower grades in elementary schools. It can be a good satisfaction for you to help them to catch up to others in their classes.

Great suggestions here. And what about taking a class in something you are interested in if offered by a local adult ed program or college. I am relearning French using Duolingo and it's fun, but I also have an adults beginners class in the area. Most small cities and larger have parks and recreation activities for seniors.

I'm not the type to volunteer at a senior center. Often seems too clicky to me, but they work well for others and they sometimes sponsor day trips by bus.

You will find something...lots of opportunities.

I volunteer with my local County Sheriff's Station. It is so different. Age is no barrier. They have something for everyone to do. I patrol, look for stolen/abandoned vehicles, staff roadblocks at accident/homicide scenes. We also volunteer at city events, high school football games, and parades. Some take patrol units from the station to the garage to be repaired. They also have a place for some in accounting and filing, or in Logistics, checking out weapons and radios. Some of us also role play for deputies who are leaving jail duty to go out on the streets. They need refresher classes and we pretend to be (druggies, mentally ill, talking on cell phones while driving, and Domestic Violence situations). You can also volunteer at Parks, campgrounds, dog shelters, hospitals, and National Forests if there is one near you.

Some volunteer work can count as employment on a resume. There are some programs available that pay you as a Senior citizen or someone re-entering the work force. I am an 85 year old woman and they still need people like me.

Don't give up and please do give yourself some time to grieve. You not only lost your parent, you lost your job. No wonder you feel adrift. ((hugs))

Tiger you did nothing wrong. Trust me when I tell you that it is just the way people and the world is today. All the old rules of society are gone and not sure what the new rules are! Today's world if you know more than a manager you will not get the job; if management doesn't like you for whatever reason your gone! If higher up has a friend with less experience than you he/she will get promoted; if you speak your mind or not a yes person your gone!


All I can tell you is keep trying because you will find something; Somebody will see your good qualities and want you on their team!

The ones that didn't want you it is their loss. Keep your chin up. You'll find something.
There is some great ideas here for you!

Hugs!!

Well, you're already one step closer to your goal since you're "working" on AgingCare. Perhaps the senior centers you found were not welcoming for a completely unknown to you reason. Do not take it personally.

I volunteered at the local food bank for about 15 years. I still go by once a month to see everyone and I really miss it but, my health was declining, I was caring for my mom and even after she went into a memory care unit I was still there 1 or 2 days a week. Then my husband who had become severely abusive mentally, emotionally, physically and forced to retire from his job after breaking his shoulder, was diagnosed with severe stress and dementia leading to alzheimers. So, working as a volunteer went out the window for me but, maybe you could check into something similar. I still see people who were clients when I am shopping and always get a big hug from them asking why I'm not at the center any longer. I promise, you will make new friends. God bless you.

Hi Tiger55. I'm sorry for your loss and your struggle since then. You have gotten some great advice from others already.

If you enjoy working with children, another way to help is The Boys/Girls Club, a scouting group, or even a preschool as a substitute teacher.

I used to work at an indoor pool and we had a Silver Sneakers program for both water and land exercise classes. The classes were paid for through insurance and it became a social group for those who attended regularly.

Also, maybe look at groupon.com to try out a potential new hobby. I am going to take my family for a glass blowing class to make Christmas ornaments - there's a great deal on groupon in my area.

Also, please be patient with yourself as you navigate this new chapter in your life. When my dad died, a friend gave me the advice to be as kind to myself as I would be to a good friend.

First...Give yourself permission to process all that you have gone through,
Give yourself a bit of a "vacation" even if it is a weekend away. Be a "tourist" in your own area if you can't get away.
Next..What is it you really LOVE doing?
I volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I could not have done what I did without their help. (Medicare requires that 5% of the patient cost be filled by volunteers so Hospice needs people to volunteer with patients either in their homes or in facilities but there is office work that also needs to be done)
I also volunteer at a Veterans Transitional Living facility office. I volunteer when the food bank is open. Again I could not have done what I did without the help of the VA so this is my way to give back to a Veterans Organization.
I have met some great people volunteering.
I also attend Support Groups and have gained friendships from the groups. Do I "need" the groups now? probably not but I continue to go because these are now my circle of friends and I CAN help new members of the group that join because I know where they are and what will come. So I still can contribute ..just like I hope I do here.

Do you like animals? Lots of shelters need volunteers
Kids? Boys and Girls Clubs. Schools need volunteers to help teachers, schools and community colleges need volunteers for tutors and helping students that do not understand English (ESL help) and even more gut wrenching..CASA Court Appointed Special Advocate (Guardians ad Litem for children)

Any group that you volunteer with that does not want you, does not treat you well, does not deserve your help as there are hundreds of other places that will welcome you with open arms and hearts.

Sorry about your Mom. Mine passed in April, I had been spending 4 hours daily with her at the NH, so I too am having a slow time finding my new normal. For 4 years I had been a weekly volunteer at Habitat for Humanity in the office helping with office duties and mortgages before and during moms decline, and they were very supportive and knew all my trials and tribulations. Eventually being with her after she lost her vision took priority and I just couldn’t volunteer anymore but they always stayed in touch and now want me back. I think I will start again in the next few weeks. You don’t have to be able to build houses, they always are looking for office help, even just helping with mailers etc. If you like their mission, I would encourage you to give your local Habitat a call.
My SIL volunteers at a local hospital as an Angel. She helps in the ER when patients come in alone, sits with them and comforts them, get warm blankets etc. Of course no hands on stuff, but she’s such a kind soul that this is a perfect fit for her and she loves it.
My friend who lost her DH a few years ago, has joined a group called Oasis. They have local chapters but I think it’s national. They have an online catalog of educational classes, and field trips. She’s always off somewhere with them on a bus trip, just returned from gardens in NJ and Pa. Mostly singles, some couples, but always interesting. It’s a very safe way to travel and get your “feet wet” in an easy social setting. You may like to check that out.
Good luck as we try to find ourselves again.

Tiger, I had a thought over night. Instead of editing my first post, I thought I would start a fresh reply.

I am a strong advocate of volunteering. I volunteer with three different organizations throughout the year as well as at various weekend events. I also go to university full time and work 10 hours a week. During Tax season I am volunteering up 15-20 hours a week. Tax season and final exams fall into the same month.

Part of the abuse I suffered as a child was to be told I was unworthy of affection, caring or love unless I was doing something for others, or doing house work. Yup, the crazy amount of volunteering I do, is directly linked to the abuse I suffered as a child. The abuse continued into my marriage with me working 6 days a week, while my ex, 'worked' from home, for 4.5 of the last 6 years of our marriage.

It has been a challenge to allow myself the freedom to do what I want, when I want, how long I want etc. I am in my 50's learning who I am. Joining the quilting group was the beginning of the discovery.

So Tiger, please when looking at how to spend your time, give some thought to what you would like to do, not how you can serve others. You have had a lifetime of doing the bidding of others.

You can go to the seniors centre and not volunteer, just enjoy the activities. You can pick up a hobby, take a class, learn a new skill.

Going back to university was the best thing I ever could have done. I have met people from all over the world, I have made some incredible friendships with people younger than me.

The quilting group has allowed me to explore my creative side, and this spring I went on a trip from BC to Missouri to meet some quilting stars. It was an incredible 9000km road trip and I had a wonderful time.

I am still learning about what I enjoy, what I want to incorporate into my life moving forward.

Tiger, this is your time to shine, not serve.

Tiger, I think that you are looking for meaningful activities to fill your time now is great. You will find your place. Please do not get discouraged that the areas you looked into so far have not been receptive. I do not think it has anything to do with you. I wonder when we have been abused emotionally or verbally if it is easy for us to immediately have feelings of rejection and doubt because it has been the program we were handed. I don't know. However, I did want to encourage you and as another poster said "this is your time to shine". There is a site called volunteer match that sends notices of what matches your interests if you feel like checking that out at some point.

You are not alone, by any means. Mine passed June 4th. I am not trying to fit in right now. I am just handling stuff and giving myself time.

I am an introvert.,I don't really do groups or lots of stuff. And yes, I know downside of it.

Op, maybe give yourself some time to grieve. Just a suggestion.

J don't know where you are financially but if I live long enough, and have my wits about me, I am going to look up the group 'Sisters On The Fly' a camping and outing group. They look like they have a world of fun. They have old small trailers they decorate and camp in.

Tiger55, I can totally relate to your wanting to fit in and find a meaningful place to spend time. Are you retired? Do you have a church where you could volunteer in ways other than with the elderly population? Do you have hobbies you enjoy like gardening, painting, music, pets, swimming, walking, scrapbooking? I was a walking zombie after my mom passed away for at least a year. I could barely get to my job and make it through the day without sobbing, so the fact that you are even making the effort to get out of your home be around people is huge. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't rush yourself. Allow quiet time for yourself and the answers will come. Be still and know that God watches over you. Prayers go out to you for the loss of your dear mom. Take good care of yourself.

Your were not treated well. If you were close to me you would get a true, loving, Christian welcome.

Tiger: Yes, here you will find a group of genuine people trying to help you. We all aspire to help and guide the best we can. Big hugs ((( ))).

Tiger, I’m sorry you’ve been treated this way. My mom volunteered at a local hospital in the newborn nursery. She went thru a hospital training program, very short. She rocked babies, changed diapers and gave bottles. She loved it. She also made friends with the hospital volunteer group members. Even after she “retired” she went to monthly luncheons, Christmas party, etc.

Hi Tiger55-

I had a similar experience as you once-

It was After my father died in 2005
I lost my identity completely-
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror anymore-

I forced myself to take a free seniors computer class- but everyday it was just emotional pain in the background of everything I did-

By chance there was a group of ladies in that same class--that were part of a grievance group that met once a week- -id sit around at lunch and listen to them while they talked about their loss-

One lady lost her boyfriend to illness-
One lady lost her son to suicide-etc.

One day I just exploded in tears at one nice lady-i asked her if the pain i was carrying around was ever going to go away-she reassured me that it definately does-it just takes awhile-

...That class was the beginning steps to rebuilding/building an identity,a life,a daily schedule....for 'me' to follow and heal behind-

I think you are being 'protected/led' right now-and these places you've been just aren't the right ones-

Don't be hard on yourself you are still grieving and adjusting-

You will slowly but surely rebuild an identity- and life you enjoy-and the right friends will come along with it-automatically-

Tiger: You're very welcome!

Tiger,
What's up with you tonight?