Is it just me that has such a hard time finding a place to fit in & something meaningful to do after LO has died?

Hello Anonymous 828521,

I liked the many and various answers on staying connected through volunteering.
We are all so unique. We all carry with us pain and experiences from the past that shaped who we are today...
I found volunteering to be of a tremendous benefit to the receivers as well as to us, the givers.
I have tried helping at a food bank,
assisting with office work, packing food for “Food A Thons” but it was not for me. It did not touch my heart...
I wanted to be with a real person for whom I can directly become a sunshine... ☀️🌈
My trying, brought me to an adult quadriplegic Center. Bringing flowers, listening to their feelings and thoughts, playing a domino game or a game with cards gave them, and me a good feeling of satisfaction. Giving joy to someone automatically uplifts my spirits.
I found my satisfying volunteering match which I still do for the last 15 years 🤗

As the answers on this forum indicated there are so many varied opportunities for each one of us in order to make a difference. Try different ones until your heart
feels “ at home”. 🏡
Stay as much connected, or as little connected as you are comfortable.
There is no wrong way to go about it. There is no formula. Be true to who you are and what you need.
As a Volunteer YOU are very valuable when you discover the right opportunity, which will be a win- win situation.

You have been a Caregiver for others. Now,
BE A CAREGIVER FOR YOURSELF
one step at a time.
Your guardian Angel is guiding you❣️

Tiger,

Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving.

Tiger55: I am very confused because after a tiring Thanksgiving, I see that this older message has been bumped up today. Concerned for your wellbeing. Are you okay? Hope you had a good Thanksgiving if you do celebrate it.

Tiger,
You did fit in here, on the AgingCare forum, but you left us.
Hoping you are feeling well, and that if you are in the U.S.,
have someone to celebrate Thanksgiving with and something to be grateful for.

So sorry that losing your Mom was so recent a loss for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, that is Tiger. I hope she will change her mind and come back. More importantly, I hope she is OK.

Is Tiger and anonymous the same person? I got a private message from anonymous saying she closed her account. I hope she is ok.

Tiger, sadly, had closed her account.

Tiger,
What's up with you tonight?

Tiger: You're very welcome!

Hi Tiger55-

I had a similar experience as you once-

It was After my father died in 2005
I lost my identity completely-
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror anymore-

I forced myself to take a free seniors computer class- but everyday it was just emotional pain in the background of everything I did-

By chance there was a group of ladies in that same class--that were part of a grievance group that met once a week- -id sit around at lunch and listen to them while they talked about their loss-

One lady lost her boyfriend to illness-
One lady lost her son to suicide-etc.

One day I just exploded in tears at one nice lady-i asked her if the pain i was carrying around was ever going to go away-she reassured me that it definately does-it just takes awhile-

...That class was the beginning steps to rebuilding/building an identity,a life,a daily schedule....for 'me' to follow and heal behind-

I think you are being 'protected/led' right now-and these places you've been just aren't the right ones-

Don't be hard on yourself you are still grieving and adjusting-

You will slowly but surely rebuild an identity- and life you enjoy-and the right friends will come along with it-automatically-

Tiger, I’m sorry you’ve been treated this way. My mom volunteered at a local hospital in the newborn nursery. She went thru a hospital training program, very short. She rocked babies, changed diapers and gave bottles. She loved it. She also made friends with the hospital volunteer group members. Even after she “retired” she went to monthly luncheons, Christmas party, etc.

Tiger: Yes, here you will find a group of genuine people trying to help you. We all aspire to help and guide the best we can. Big hugs ((( ))).

Your were not treated well. If you were close to me you would get a true, loving, Christian welcome.

Tiger55, I can totally relate to your wanting to fit in and find a meaningful place to spend time. Are you retired? Do you have a church where you could volunteer in ways other than with the elderly population? Do you have hobbies you enjoy like gardening, painting, music, pets, swimming, walking, scrapbooking? I was a walking zombie after my mom passed away for at least a year. I could barely get to my job and make it through the day without sobbing, so the fact that you are even making the effort to get out of your home be around people is huge. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't rush yourself. Allow quiet time for yourself and the answers will come. Be still and know that God watches over you. Prayers go out to you for the loss of your dear mom. Take good care of yourself.

J don't know where you are financially but if I live long enough, and have my wits about me, I am going to look up the group 'Sisters On The Fly' a camping and outing group. They look like they have a world of fun. They have old small trailers they decorate and camp in.

You are not alone, by any means. Mine passed June 4th. I am not trying to fit in right now. I am just handling stuff and giving myself time.

I am an introvert.,I don't really do groups or lots of stuff. And yes, I know downside of it.

Op, maybe give yourself some time to grieve. Just a suggestion.

Tiger, I think that you are looking for meaningful activities to fill your time now is great. You will find your place. Please do not get discouraged that the areas you looked into so far have not been receptive. I do not think it has anything to do with you. I wonder when we have been abused emotionally or verbally if it is easy for us to immediately have feelings of rejection and doubt because it has been the program we were handed. I don't know. However, I did want to encourage you and as another poster said "this is your time to shine". There is a site called volunteer match that sends notices of what matches your interests if you feel like checking that out at some point.

Tiger, I had a thought over night. Instead of editing my first post, I thought I would start a fresh reply.

I am a strong advocate of volunteering. I volunteer with three different organizations throughout the year as well as at various weekend events. I also go to university full time and work 10 hours a week. During Tax season I am volunteering up 15-20 hours a week. Tax season and final exams fall into the same month.

Part of the abuse I suffered as a child was to be told I was unworthy of affection, caring or love unless I was doing something for others, or doing house work. Yup, the crazy amount of volunteering I do, is directly linked to the abuse I suffered as a child. The abuse continued into my marriage with me working 6 days a week, while my ex, 'worked' from home, for 4.5 of the last 6 years of our marriage.

It has been a challenge to allow myself the freedom to do what I want, when I want, how long I want etc. I am in my 50's learning who I am. Joining the quilting group was the beginning of the discovery.

So Tiger, please when looking at how to spend your time, give some thought to what you would like to do, not how you can serve others. You have had a lifetime of doing the bidding of others.

You can go to the seniors centre and not volunteer, just enjoy the activities. You can pick up a hobby, take a class, learn a new skill.

Going back to university was the best thing I ever could have done. I have met people from all over the world, I have made some incredible friendships with people younger than me.

The quilting group has allowed me to explore my creative side, and this spring I went on a trip from BC to Missouri to meet some quilting stars. It was an incredible 9000km road trip and I had a wonderful time.

I am still learning about what I enjoy, what I want to incorporate into my life moving forward.

Tiger, this is your time to shine, not serve.

Sorry about your Mom. Mine passed in April, I had been spending 4 hours daily with her at the NH, so I too am having a slow time finding my new normal. For 4 years I had been a weekly volunteer at Habitat for Humanity in the office helping with office duties and mortgages before and during moms decline, and they were very supportive and knew all my trials and tribulations. Eventually being with her after she lost her vision took priority and I just couldn’t volunteer anymore but they always stayed in touch and now want me back. I think I will start again in the next few weeks. You don’t have to be able to build houses, they always are looking for office help, even just helping with mailers etc. If you like their mission, I would encourage you to give your local Habitat a call.
My SIL volunteers at a local hospital as an Angel. She helps in the ER when patients come in alone, sits with them and comforts them, get warm blankets etc. Of course no hands on stuff, but she’s such a kind soul that this is a perfect fit for her and she loves it.
My friend who lost her DH a few years ago, has joined a group called Oasis. They have local chapters but I think it’s national. They have an online catalog of educational classes, and field trips. She’s always off somewhere with them on a bus trip, just returned from gardens in NJ and Pa. Mostly singles, some couples, but always interesting. It’s a very safe way to travel and get your “feet wet” in an easy social setting. You may like to check that out.
Good luck as we try to find ourselves again.

First...Give yourself permission to process all that you have gone through,
Give yourself a bit of a "vacation" even if it is a weekend away. Be a "tourist" in your own area if you can't get away.
Next..What is it you really LOVE doing?
I volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I could not have done what I did without their help. (Medicare requires that 5% of the patient cost be filled by volunteers so Hospice needs people to volunteer with patients either in their homes or in facilities but there is office work that also needs to be done)
I also volunteer at a Veterans Transitional Living facility office. I volunteer when the food bank is open. Again I could not have done what I did without the help of the VA so this is my way to give back to a Veterans Organization.
I have met some great people volunteering.
I also attend Support Groups and have gained friendships from the groups. Do I "need" the groups now? probably not but I continue to go because these are now my circle of friends and I CAN help new members of the group that join because I know where they are and what will come. So I still can contribute ..just like I hope I do here.

Do you like animals? Lots of shelters need volunteers
Kids? Boys and Girls Clubs. Schools need volunteers to help teachers, schools and community colleges need volunteers for tutors and helping students that do not understand English (ESL help) and even more gut wrenching..CASA Court Appointed Special Advocate (Guardians ad Litem for children)

Any group that you volunteer with that does not want you, does not treat you well, does not deserve your help as there are hundreds of other places that will welcome you with open arms and hearts.

Hi Tiger55. I'm sorry for your loss and your struggle since then. You have gotten some great advice from others already.

If you enjoy working with children, another way to help is The Boys/Girls Club, a scouting group, or even a preschool as a substitute teacher.

I used to work at an indoor pool and we had a Silver Sneakers program for both water and land exercise classes. The classes were paid for through insurance and it became a social group for those who attended regularly.

Also, maybe look at groupon.com to try out a potential new hobby. I am going to take my family for a glass blowing class to make Christmas ornaments - there's a great deal on groupon in my area.

Also, please be patient with yourself as you navigate this new chapter in your life. When my dad died, a friend gave me the advice to be as kind to myself as I would be to a good friend.

I volunteered at the local food bank for about 15 years. I still go by once a month to see everyone and I really miss it but, my health was declining, I was caring for my mom and even after she went into a memory care unit I was still there 1 or 2 days a week. Then my husband who had become severely abusive mentally, emotionally, physically and forced to retire from his job after breaking his shoulder, was diagnosed with severe stress and dementia leading to alzheimers. So, working as a volunteer went out the window for me but, maybe you could check into something similar. I still see people who were clients when I am shopping and always get a big hug from them asking why I'm not at the center any longer. I promise, you will make new friends. God bless you.

Well, you're already one step closer to your goal since you're "working" on AgingCare. Perhaps the senior centers you found were not welcoming for a completely unknown to you reason. Do not take it personally.

Tiger you did nothing wrong. Trust me when I tell you that it is just the way people and the world is today. All the old rules of society are gone and not sure what the new rules are! Today's world if you know more than a manager you will not get the job; if management doesn't like you for whatever reason your gone! If higher up has a friend with less experience than you he/she will get promoted; if you speak your mind or not a yes person your gone!


All I can tell you is keep trying because you will find something; Somebody will see your good qualities and want you on their team!

The ones that didn't want you it is their loss. Keep your chin up. You'll find something.
There is some great ideas here for you!

Hugs!!

I volunteer with my local County Sheriff's Station. It is so different. Age is no barrier. They have something for everyone to do. I patrol, look for stolen/abandoned vehicles, staff roadblocks at accident/homicide scenes. We also volunteer at city events, high school football games, and parades. Some take patrol units from the station to the garage to be repaired. They also have a place for some in accounting and filing, or in Logistics, checking out weapons and radios. Some of us also role play for deputies who are leaving jail duty to go out on the streets. They need refresher classes and we pretend to be (druggies, mentally ill, talking on cell phones while driving, and Domestic Violence situations). You can also volunteer at Parks, campgrounds, dog shelters, hospitals, and National Forests if there is one near you.

Some volunteer work can count as employment on a resume. There are some programs available that pay you as a Senior citizen or someone re-entering the work force. I am an 85 year old woman and they still need people like me.

Don't give up and please do give yourself some time to grieve. You not only lost your parent, you lost your job. No wonder you feel adrift. ((hugs))

Great suggestions here. And what about taking a class in something you are interested in if offered by a local adult ed program or college. I am relearning French using Duolingo and it's fun, but I also have an adults beginners class in the area. Most small cities and larger have parks and recreation activities for seniors.

I'm not the type to volunteer at a senior center. Often seems too clicky to me, but they work well for others and they sometimes sponsor day trips by bus.

You will find something...lots of opportunities.

You could volunteer at schools. Teachers sometimes use a volunteer mentoring program where students who are lagging slightly sit with a person in a quiet place and do their reading assignments with someone who can be helpful to them with pronunciations, word meanings, encouragements etc. Or with mathematics encouragements. The best age groups to work with are the lower grades in elementary schools. It can be a good satisfaction for you to help them to catch up to others in their classes.

When my marriage ended, I know not the same as losing a parent, but grieving all the same, I joined a quilting group in the city next door.

I did not a soul in the group, which meant nobody knew about the ugly divorce I was going through. I had not made a quilt in 25 years, but wanted to start again. It was quite wonderful to be me, not a mum, exwife, etc. It was a good option for me because it had no links to my past life.

Tiger, we have discussed being raised by abusive parents, even once they have died the abuse remains. Please continue your therapy during the grieving process.

My mother made a lot of new friends at a water walking class. The exercise was good and the group talked before and after class. After a few months they started organizing a monthly lunch and then an annual Christmas party at someone's home. It became a social club and even after ladies dropped out of the exercise class, they still participated in the social club for years afterwards.

A group of my high school friends reconnected on FB and meet every couple of months for a dinner. Interesting enough, we all have or are caring for aging parents.

There are also some book clubs on FB where everyone reads the same book and discusses it online. I'm a reader and a techie so something I can do from my home (where care giving or my asthma often pins me these days) is useful for me.

Tiger - when you face rejections, it's easy to feel discouraged. I try to remember that when one door closes, another will open. When some things don't work out, perhaps, invisible hands are steering you away from those places and are leading you to some other places that are meant for you. So keep trying.