I visit once a week since COVID restrictions allowed visits. Accuses me of “putting him there” and wants cell phone which he wouldn’t know how to operate; wants to go home. I’m 85 and couldn’t keep up with his demands, falls and abuses. I should be overwhelming happy that he has all the best of care he needs but I’m not. Is something wrong with me? I’m self sufficient.

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The vascular dementia is what 'put him there' really - not you. Blame that. Tell him he is there to help you both get a rest for a time (if you think appropriate). You still care about him even though he sleeps there!

Vascular dementia steals judgement & empathy, so he won't see how this effects you. He will want he he wants. Reasonable or not.

So you may need to decide how much phone contact is good for you. Multi calls won't fix anything. Eg only one daily call to say good morning.

Most do adjust in time. Has he got activities provided? Ask staff to keep trying to engage him into activities. (Be prepared for 'I've done nothing all day'... I got that. The *woe is me* headline but when I went early, I caught her joining in, smiling etc.

Be a ray of light when you visit. Enjoy a loving, positive visit, then breeze out. (Also be prepared to leave early if a bad day).

Put time into enjoying your own hobbies & interests too.

You've got this (as they say).
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Beatty
psuskind1 Oct 26, 2020
Thanks for responding
I’ll try the good morning calls
I’ll also talk to staff about activities
by the time I go again it may be a whole new set of complaints!
You've had to do a very difficult thing when there weren't any other options. Yes to the good insight Beatty provided. Also, your LO has memory loss and won't remember that he did do something that day. When my MIL was still living in her home with short-term memory loss she didn't even remember eating any meals or that she actually didn't eat anything that day. You did the best thing for the both of you. May you gain peace in your heart.
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Reply to Geaton777

There is NOTHING wrong with you. NOTHING!!!!
You are feeling this thing called guilt. And it is a feeling that you put on yourself.
You are doing the best you can for your husband.
You are providing him with a safe environment
I will bet that if he were at home he would be doing the same thing he is doing in MC now. He would complain that he is bored, that he has nothing to do. That is not on you. There are activities that he can participate in. It is up to the staff to encourage him to participate but they can not "MAKE" him do so. So part of that is on him.
When he calls if the call starts getting nasty hang up. You can tell him you will do that but he probably will not understand cause and effect. But you do not have to take the abuse. IF the call is placed by a staff person or the phone is brought to him by a staff person tell them that you will hang up if he begins to get nasty so they are aware.
When you visit, the same thing, if he becomes nasty cut the visit short or get up and go get a drink and leave him sit for a bit on his own. When you return continue the conversation, if he gets nasty again, leave.
Again..there is nothing wrong with you. You have done what you can to make sure he is safe.
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Reply to Grandma1954
Karen51 Oct 27, 2020
This, absolutely this! My late husband got vascular dementia and when he was in hospital was quite nasty. I asked the doctor how he handled it. The doctor said he walked out for 15 min and came back when hubby was in a better mood. (Sometimes it takes longer than 15 min). I did that too afterwards.
For you it’s hang up the phone.
You are also grieving the way things should have been and the way things are. It will take a while to adjust.
Sorry to say but even though homes have opened up for visits that doesn't mean they have continued with activities. He may just be sitting in his room all day. But, he may always say he is bored.

You say he doesn't have a cell phone. Does he have a phone in his room? You may just not want to answer every call.

My Mom said once "When you take those vows they don't tell you when they get old, you get old too and don't feel like putting up with there s_ _t anymore" Thats the problem you both got old and there is no way that you can care for him without it effecting you health too. You have to pray that he adjusts to the situation. It is not your fault he has this horrible desease. All you can do is what ur doing. Its going to be hard, but let what he says roll off your back.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29

The nasty stuff is quite normal, and those who have suggested hanging up or walking away are correct. Sometimes you just have to walk out of their sight for them to reset and start from scratch.

My mother gets kind of crunchy when the caregivers in her MC are doing something for her. I've watched them just get up and walk behind her, wait a moment or two, then come back into her sight and start over again. Mom seems to think it's a whole new day.

It's akin to us walking into another room and forgetting what we went in there for, and sometimes it's not such a bad thing after all. ;-)
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MJ1929

He isn't going to be happy about this. This is normal behavior in these circumstances. Keep calls short, stay gentle. You will be almost certainly hearing this each and every time you call. He is safe in leveling this on you. Not everything can be made happy; not everything van be fixed. I am 78 and you are 85, so we both have learned that, for certain.
It has to be so hard to hear this, and I want you to remember one thing. Guilt is for felons. Grief is for those who are doing the best they can, and must mourn the fact it can never be good enough in these circumstances. What you are feeling is GRIEF. Allow yourself to mourn these losses for yourself, and for him, and allow him to rage a few times. There is no reason to go gently into this good night.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer

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