I think you have two very different issues that you need to address. As others have mentioned - you definitely need to get your hands wrapped around the issue of the situation of whether there is elder abuse and financial abuse going on. Definitely worth a conversation with an elder lawyer. You want to make sure you are protected for your future no matter what else happens.
That being said, the other issue you have is that you are planning to age in place. That is a lovely idea and one I think we would all love to do - but at it's core - it isn't highly realistic. People are living longer, and in many cases, not necessarily financially planning for it. Or they are pinning their financial future on their children ensuring that they are cared for in their homes.
My family is in that very same boat right now. FIL feels he is independent. He is 100% NOT. The only reason he is in his home is because the VA has outfitted his entire home with assistive lifts, bars, beds, mattresses, toilets, lights, walkers, scooters, lift chairs, chairlifts, scooter lifts, you name it, he has it. We could open our own skilled nursing facility. And BIL and SIL are there round the clock. But he is 'independent'. We are currently working on a plan to move him to a skilled nursing facility, because his care is more than can be handled in his home now.
Aging in place is a wonderful idea in theory. In practice it is quite another. The logistics are nearly impossible once you get to a certain point without help. And help costs money unless you have loved ones who are willing to commit the time and energy to permanently to help you and fill the increasing gap as the needs get bigger. I hope you don't take that as insulting. It's just the reality. It's not likely that the needs will get smaller as you age. The reality is that your needs will increase and you will need more help. At some point, the needs will surpass the amount of help that is readily available. You have to plan for other options, or someone else will plan for you. It is better for YOU to plan for your own future, than for someone else to plan it for you. I think it has to be far less painful and uncomfortable for you to plan and make your own decisions about those types of things than to have your family or adult protective services or another agency come in and tell you what is going to happen.
So if you want to age in place - what do you need to plan for? Paid caregivers for your needs - non-family is probably optimal. Assistive technology as needed - and that can be pricey - scooters can run thousands, adjustable or hospital beds, medical equipment, assistive bars, walk in showers. If you are in a two story house, maybe downsize or move to a single story no stairs inside or out. Wide open doors and spaces for wheelchair access if needed. Potential ability to pay 24/7 caregivers down the road. Plans for medication deliveries. Medical transport if caregivers can't transport. Pillpak for medications. Medical alert systems. Make sure someone addresses all safety concerns in your home. Meal delivery options in place if you are unable to cook - or caregivers cook for you. Have emergency plans in place. Emergency contact information in a single place for caregivers. All wills and living wills in place and on record with doctors and caregivers.
You will have to have an open mind about how things will go too. In case it doesn't work out that you are able to stay. You will have to be prepared to be where you can be safe! That is the most important thing!
I too am really curious about what kind of assistive technology (for the deaf?) you can't have on another's property.
I have read several books on aging in place from local libraries. The recommendations that I recall included starting to prepare early, setting aside financial resources (most likely personal savings and LTC insurance), establishing a wide social support network, selecting a location that doesn't require driving to get to where you need to go (medical, groceries, dining & entertainment), having a home without physical barriers (no steps, wide hallways, etc.) and of course keeping your POA, medical, and estate paperwork up to date.
I'm not sure that even a nice pension, an LTC policy with lifetime coverage, and a paid off home with caregiver quarters and a wheelchair friendly entrance, kitchen, and bath would be enough to guarantee aging in place.
I am concerned that you (having been married 48 years) are past the point of starting early since you have likely already made the decisions on Social Security and any pension(s), short on funds (since you can't afford a lawyer), and perhaps overly committed to your current location (or at least overly resistant to renting or sharing a home).
Geaton777 and MJ1929 are right. If you are relying on the community (family, friends, charities, or taxpayers) to provide care, the community will eventually decide the type and location of care.
Your daughter filed for a divorce so that your husband could divorce you?
Unless you want to be left destitute, get yourself a divorce attorney who will be paid out of the split of marital funds.
If you feel there is financial or other abise of your husbamd, call the local AreabAgency om Aging and/or Adult Protective services. They havevTTY lines.
If you and your husband need to go on Medicaid for long term care, there are provisions so that the spouse not in care doesn't become impoverished.
You might find it advantageous to go to a law firm tjat has both eldercare and family law attorneys. Frankly, you can't afford NOT to have an attorney.
This is quite aside from the question as to whether you and DH can live alone with no support from helpers.
First, you need to protect what is yours. If DH had been declared incompetent at time daughter had him make POA changes, then her POA is not valid. The lawyer who revoked yours and assigned her should be aware of any incompetence and question your husband privately to see if he was being coerced. Have you seen your daughters POA. You are entitled to at least 50% of any assets and maybe monthly income. Your daughter cannot impoverish you caring for her Dad.
I will assume your in your 70s. Aging in place means you are pretty much dependent on no one. That you are "with it" enough to make your own appts. If you don't drive that you take advantage of the Senior bussing to get to these appts and do your shopping. That you can manage your home. That means you mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, doing the upkeep or being able to afford to pay someone to do it. If you need any kind of assistance, you need to be able to afford the aide. You need to fit Medicaid criteria to get help there. Sometimes your income is over the cap for Medicaid but too low to be able to afford help. And in home aides are not cheap.
I am 71 and if I were you I would call Office of Aging and ask if you could get a needs assessment. I would also tell them about the situation with your daughter. Maybe they can put u in touch with Legal Aide. If your daughter needs to ever place ur husband with Medicaid paying for his care, she needs to list you as the Community Spouse so you are taken care of. O of A may get Adult Protection Services involved. You could ask that they do a "well visit" on Dad. Ask that they make sure daughters POA is in the up and up.
I agree with Geaton about Community helping. When it comes to the point you need to depend on a lot of people to help you "age in place" then you really need an Assited living.
What "Assistive Technology" do you have that can't be taken to someone elses property? My husband is legally deaf and all he has is a special phone to help him hear better. I would wonder why you never took at least a basic course in signing? If my husband goes completely deaf we may have to go this way.
Life keeps changing and we need to change with it. Yes, its harder as we age but we need to know when we can no longer do it alone. That the house we lived in for 50 years needs to be sold and we need to move where we are safer and easier to maintain.
I agree with Geaton. We don't know what the future holds, so while aging in place sounds desirable, it's rarely realistic or if you succeed, you may find it not to be the most happy situation.
I'm reminded of my grandmother who was very proud of having been able to stay in her own home until she finally moved in with a niece at 93 years old. Well, she never really comprehended that she was not living alone and taking care of her own home for a full two years before she moved. Either one of her nieces, friends, or I were there "visiting" her, but we were simply in a rotation to care for her. Even when she was still in her own house and without "help," she paid for a handyman, a gardener, a housekeeper, and a woman to do her laundry. She was by no means living independently for many, many years.
At the very least, get all the handrails and tall toilets installed in your house. Get rid of rugs you can trip on, have a list of services you can use to get groceries and other items delivered, arrange for that gardener, housekeeper, caregivers, work with your bank to ensure a steady flow of money to be able to pay your bills, set up autopay for the bills you can do that for, consult an attorney about how to protect your assets, and last but not least, be informed about local assisted living facilities, because at some point this is all going to come crashing down.
I'm going to copy here what you have on your profile because I think it is relevant to the answers you will receive:
"I'm a person whom my Doctor describes as 'having a mind younger than her body'. My Demented husband of 48 years was duped in revoking my POA by our daughter, who was to allow him to live with her temporarily, but he is still there after 9 months! I just want for us to be together in our old age with some Peace and quiet, but I can't see him and there is abuse on her part, which she seems to be enjoying! I'm not receiving the monies my husband had provided for me to the tune of $15,000! She recently filed for a Divorce online, that I know that he has no knowledge of! I'm unable to afford an Attorney to represent me in court. I know that, with community support that I can take care of my husband, since I have a strong medical back-ground!"
First, how old is your body? You may have all your mind now (or think you do) but the common mistake is that people never factor in the possibility of their own cognitive decline. They romanticize "aging in place" in an unrealistic way. There's no line that you cross so that one day you're right as rain then the next...oops! I have dementia! And memory loss! I think you know this from your own experience with your husband.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the "community" is not interested in taking care of you. This is not my opinion, this is a fact (just read other posts on this forum made by burnt out caregivers who are desperate for some free help). The community is me and all the other people in the world with our own parents and our own issues. Who will be caring for you will be social services for your county if you don't find someone younger and trustworthy to assign PoA for yourself. Like your husband did. He was wise enough to know he needed a younger, more energetic and engaged person to outlive him as his PoA.
A "strong medical background" is not enough to care for your demented husband in your home with no money to afford any outside help you will inevitably need. You need people younger, stronger and healthier than yourself to lift, clean, shop, cook, repair, launder, etc etc etc.
I'm sorry for your troubles between you and your daughter. She would have been the most likely person to help you "age in place". What "age in place" actually means is that a LOT of effort by a LOT of people orbiting around you and your needs, rather than the more rational thing which would be living in a nice care community where you won't be isolated and you would both get all the help you need right there, right away. Even if it means applying for Medicaid. My mother-in-law and her husband wanted to "age in place" but this would have required me and my entire family to be at their house every day while we were working full time, raising 3 school-aged kids and also helping my own elder mother. We'd basically have no lives outside of the caregiving. Eventually when my step FIL developed Parkinsons and my MIL's short-term memory failed and they were falling in their home almost daily we applied for Medicaid for my MIL and she is in a very nice place close to us getting excellent care. My stubborn and unrealistic stepFIL (who "expected" us to care for him in their home but with no money to even pay for anything) refused outside help and eventually became a ward of the county, dying by himself in a crummy county facility.
Please, I beg you to be realistic. Call your local area's Agency on Aging for resources and social services for an in-home assessment to see if you qualify for free help. Maybe they can tell you if there are special care facilities for the hearing impaired, as I realize this will become more of a caregiving issue for you at some point. "Aging in place" works until it doesn't. I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you make plans for your future, and healing in your family relationships.
That being said, the other issue you have is that you are planning to age in place. That is a lovely idea and one I think we would all love to do - but at it's core - it isn't highly realistic. People are living longer, and in many cases, not necessarily financially planning for it. Or they are pinning their financial future on their children ensuring that they are cared for in their homes.
My family is in that very same boat right now. FIL feels he is independent. He is 100% NOT. The only reason he is in his home is because the VA has outfitted his entire home with assistive lifts, bars, beds, mattresses, toilets, lights, walkers, scooters, lift chairs, chairlifts, scooter lifts, you name it, he has it. We could open our own skilled nursing facility. And BIL and SIL are there round the clock. But he is 'independent'. We are currently working on a plan to move him to a skilled nursing facility, because his care is more than can be handled in his home now.
Aging in place is a wonderful idea in theory. In practice it is quite another. The logistics are nearly impossible once you get to a certain point without help. And help costs money unless you have loved ones who are willing to commit the time and energy to permanently to help you and fill the increasing gap as the needs get bigger. I hope you don't take that as insulting. It's just the reality. It's not likely that the needs will get smaller as you age. The reality is that your needs will increase and you will need more help. At some point, the needs will surpass the amount of help that is readily available. You have to plan for other options, or someone else will plan for you. It is better for YOU to plan for your own future, than for someone else to plan it for you. I think it has to be far less painful and uncomfortable for you to plan and make your own decisions about those types of things than to have your family or adult protective services or another agency come in and tell you what is going to happen.
So if you want to age in place - what do you need to plan for? Paid caregivers for your needs - non-family is probably optimal. Assistive technology as needed - and that can be pricey - scooters can run thousands, adjustable or hospital beds, medical equipment, assistive bars, walk in showers. If you are in a two story house, maybe downsize or move to a single story no stairs inside or out. Wide open doors and spaces for wheelchair access if needed. Potential ability to pay 24/7 caregivers down the road. Plans for medication deliveries. Medical transport if caregivers can't transport. Pillpak for medications. Medical alert systems. Make sure someone addresses all safety concerns in your home. Meal delivery options in place if you are unable to cook - or caregivers cook for you. Have emergency plans in place. Emergency contact information in a single place for caregivers. All wills and living wills in place and on record with doctors and caregivers.
You will have to have an open mind about how things will go too. In case it doesn't work out that you are able to stay. You will have to be prepared to be where you can be safe! That is the most important thing!
I have read several books on aging in place from local libraries. The recommendations that I recall included starting to prepare early, setting aside financial resources (most likely personal savings and LTC insurance), establishing a wide social support network, selecting a location that doesn't require driving to get to where you need to go (medical, groceries, dining & entertainment), having a home without physical barriers (no steps, wide hallways, etc.) and of course keeping your POA, medical, and estate paperwork up to date.
I'm not sure that even a nice pension, an LTC policy with lifetime coverage, and a paid off home with caregiver quarters and a wheelchair friendly entrance, kitchen, and bath would be enough to guarantee aging in place.
I am concerned that you (having been married 48 years) are past the point of starting early since you have likely already made the decisions on Social Security and any pension(s), short on funds (since you can't afford a lawyer), and perhaps overly committed to your current location (or at least overly resistant to renting or sharing a home).
Geaton777 and MJ1929 are right. If you are relying on the community (family, friends, charities, or taxpayers) to provide care, the community will eventually decide the type and location of care.
Unless you want to be left destitute, get yourself a divorce attorney who will be paid out of the split of marital funds.
If you feel there is financial or other abise of your husbamd, call the local AreabAgency om Aging and/or Adult Protective services. They havevTTY lines.
If you and your husband need to go on Medicaid for long term care, there are provisions so that the spouse not in care doesn't become impoverished.
You might find it advantageous to go to a law firm tjat has both eldercare and family law attorneys. Frankly, you can't afford NOT to have an attorney.
This is quite aside from the question as to whether you and DH can live alone with no support from helpers.
I will assume your in your 70s. Aging in place means you are pretty much dependent on no one. That you are "with it" enough to make your own appts. If you don't drive that you take advantage of the Senior bussing to get to these appts and do your shopping. That you can manage your home. That means you mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, doing the upkeep or being able to afford to pay someone to do it. If you need any kind of assistance, you need to be able to afford the aide. You need to fit Medicaid criteria to get help there. Sometimes your income is over the cap for Medicaid but too low to be able to afford help. And in home aides are not cheap.
I am 71 and if I were you I would call Office of Aging and ask if you could get a needs assessment. I would also tell them about the situation with your daughter. Maybe they can put u in touch with Legal Aide. If your daughter needs to ever place ur husband with Medicaid paying for his care, she needs to list you as the Community Spouse so you are taken care of. O of A may get Adult Protection Services involved. You could ask that they do a "well visit" on Dad. Ask that they make sure daughters POA is in the up and up.
I agree with Geaton about Community helping. When it comes to the point you need to depend on a lot of people to help you "age in place" then you really need an Assited living.
What "Assistive Technology" do you have that can't be taken to someone elses property? My husband is legally deaf and all he has is a special phone to help him hear better. I would wonder why you never took at least a basic course in signing? If my husband goes completely deaf we may have to go this way.
Life keeps changing and we need to change with it. Yes, its harder as we age but we need to know when we can no longer do it alone. That the house we lived in for 50 years needs to be sold and we need to move where we are safer and easier to maintain.
I'm reminded of my grandmother who was very proud of having been able to stay in her own home until she finally moved in with a niece at 93 years old. Well, she never really comprehended that she was not living alone and taking care of her own home for a full two years before she moved. Either one of her nieces, friends, or I were there "visiting" her, but we were simply in a rotation to care for her. Even when she was still in her own house and without "help," she paid for a handyman, a gardener, a housekeeper, and a woman to do her laundry. She was by no means living independently for many, many years.
At the very least, get all the handrails and tall toilets installed in your house. Get rid of rugs you can trip on, have a list of services you can use to get groceries and other items delivered, arrange for that gardener, housekeeper, caregivers, work with your bank to ensure a steady flow of money to be able to pay your bills, set up autopay for the bills you can do that for, consult an attorney about how to protect your assets, and last but not least, be informed about local assisted living facilities, because at some point this is all going to come crashing down.
"I'm a person whom my Doctor describes as 'having a mind younger than her body'. My Demented husband of 48 years was duped in revoking my POA by our daughter, who was to allow him to live with her temporarily, but he is still there after 9 months! I just want for us to be together in our old age with some Peace and quiet, but I can't see him and there is abuse on her part, which she seems to be enjoying! I'm not receiving the monies my husband had provided for me to the tune of $15,000! She recently filed for a Divorce online, that I know that he has no knowledge of! I'm unable to afford an Attorney to represent me in court. I know that, with community support that I can take care of my husband, since I have a strong medical back-ground!"
First, how old is your body? You may have all your mind now (or think you do) but the common mistake is that people never factor in the possibility of their own cognitive decline. They romanticize "aging in place" in an unrealistic way. There's no line that you cross so that one day you're right as rain then the next...oops! I have dementia! And memory loss! I think you know this from your own experience with your husband.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the "community" is not interested in taking care of you. This is not my opinion, this is a fact (just read other posts on this forum made by burnt out caregivers who are desperate for some free help). The community is me and all the other people in the world with our own parents and our own issues. Who will be caring for you will be social services for your county if you don't find someone younger and trustworthy to assign PoA for yourself. Like your husband did. He was wise enough to know he needed a younger, more energetic and engaged person to outlive him as his PoA.
A "strong medical background" is not enough to care for your demented husband in your home with no money to afford any outside help you will inevitably need. You need people younger, stronger and healthier than yourself to lift, clean, shop, cook, repair, launder, etc etc etc.
I'm sorry for your troubles between you and your daughter. She would have been the most likely person to help you "age in place". What "age in place" actually means is that a LOT of effort by a LOT of people orbiting around you and your needs, rather than the more rational thing which would be living in a nice care community where you won't be isolated and you would both get all the help you need right there, right away. Even if it means applying for Medicaid. My mother-in-law and her husband wanted to "age in place" but this would have required me and my entire family to be at their house every day while we were working full time, raising 3 school-aged kids and also helping my own elder mother. We'd basically have no lives outside of the caregiving. Eventually when my step FIL developed Parkinsons and my MIL's short-term memory failed and they were falling in their home almost daily we applied for Medicaid for my MIL and she is in a very nice place close to us getting excellent care. My stubborn and unrealistic stepFIL (who "expected" us to care for him in their home but with no money to even pay for anything) refused outside help and eventually became a ward of the county, dying by himself in a crummy county facility.
Please, I beg you to be realistic. Call your local area's Agency on Aging for resources and social services for an in-home assessment to see if you qualify for free help. Maybe they can tell you if there are special care facilities for the hearing impaired, as I realize this will become more of a caregiving issue for you at some point. "Aging in place" works until it doesn't. I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you make plans for your future, and healing in your family relationships.