I'm with my Mom 24/7 and I get so frustrated with her and I shouldn't because I've lost 2 Aunts in the last few month due to Alzheimer's or dementia and a friend just lost her mom a few days ago so I should feel fortunate to have mine. I really need respite or just a few hours away from her. I was told by the state of Texas I had to take her or they were gonna put her away and I'd never see her again. I couldn't let that happen so I drove down there to get her. Every day is a challenge and I'm not sure what to do. She wants my brother to come home to Kansas because she lived with him for 4 years then he had a stroke and she had no where to go that's how I ended up bringing her home to Kansas. I talk to my brother and he doesn't understand how much her mind is going south in a year. I can't find anywhere that will help me. I go to my basement to spend some time with my daughter who lives in the basement just to feel kinda normal. My daughter can't help me with her because she has anxiety and depression and my mom upsets her. My brother is in a wheelchair and can't care for himself so I would have him and top of everything here. I'm on a downward spiral.

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I feel terrible for you. Your daughter needs to suck it up a little bit and help you out with grandma. I have anxiety and depression as well, but you can still be helpful and useful. No one can be with any person 24/7 without getting frustrated and losing it. Having to be with an elderly person with Alzheimer's/dementia 24/7 is impossible for anyone to do. Stop beating yourself up about getting frustrated with her because you've got it hard enough. And please for your own sake, don't guilt yourself because you're not treasuring every moment. There's nothing to treasure when someone is wearing you down to nothing. Maybe in your area there is adult day care you can put her in to help you get some respite for yourself. Also, many nursing homes offer short-stays (a week or so) for caregivers who need a respite break. Some insurance plans pay for it too. Please look into some of these options, and good luck.
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We all say “I can’t put her in a home”.

I certainly said that many times. I said it as I slept on the floor beside her bed because she was a constant fall risk. I said it when my children stopped bringing their friends to our house. I said it one Christmas Eve when she fell into a deep sleep, and out of fear DH and I spent the entire Christmas day with her in the local hospital emergency department.

I said it while I gained 65 pounds in 6 months, and my blood pressure soared, and I stopped sleeping through the night.

I said it when I lost my job, my friends from Church.

Then came the day that she slid out of bed against me and only by sheer luck and the Grace of God was I able to catch her, jeopardizing her very slowly mending broken hip.

And THAT was the day I knew that the thought of her falling was my way of learning that she needed the safety and security of residential care, because even with help, I was totally overwhelmed by her needs and totally ignoring my own.

She’d had a wonderful experience in her rehab, 3 1/2 miles from my home, and I called them. They had a room available and I took it. And the day she went there began 5 1/2 years of the happiest life she’d known since my father had died 20 years before.

I went VERY OFTEN, and enjoyed the visits as she did. But she also began to have friends, wonderful caregivers, and activities that she enjoyed. They grew to love her too, even when she’d ask them to “share” their lunches with her, which they always did.

Begin doing the research. It will empower you to do it, whether you decide to give it a try or not. See what’s nearby.

And one more thing. My mom was my best friend, and I cherished her dearly. Please stop examining your feelings based on what you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. It is SO HARD being a full time caregiver. Some days are good, some are OK, many are VERY TOUGH. You SHOULD be doing things that are good for your mom’s safety, comfort, and peace, but that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD be doing all of her care yourself. You SHOULD be taking good care of yourself too.
”Downward spirals” aren’t fair to you OR fair to Mom.

Many of us have been through this. You aren’t alone.
Helpful Answer (8)
PatShankle Oct 2020
Thank you in glad I found this to. I have no one to talk to that know what I'm going through. My sister passed away 2 years ago and she told me that she wanted to put mom in a home and our brother said No under no circumstance will she go so then he had her in Texas and then he had a stroke and now he is left incapacitated and he can't so it's left up to me. I can't do it by myself but he can't he tells me all the time I better not. I just don't know wat to do. We live in her house so if I put her in a home will probally loose this house. She wants to go home all the time. I give her Tylenol pm at night to help her sleep and so I can have a break to. I've got her on a medicine that mostly keeps her calm but she can get really mean I've been called so many names and I know it's not her talking. I am constantly doing something. I sleep on the couch and have been over a year. Thank you for letting me talk.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

I would call your cousin. They went through hard times and will most likely understand.

My mom’s brother had Parkinson’s disease. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. I did speak to my cousins before and after by uncle died. They were a big help and understood what I was going through.

Try, if they don’t want to talk to you they will let you know.
Helpful Answer (1)

Your wish to be able to "do it all" is so admirable, but the reality of humanity is that each of us has our limitations. It appears that there is no support for you. Respite is costly. And I don't know what volunteer help you might be able to enlist in your area. The fact that you treasure these loved ones doesn't mean that you can do 24/7 care for them for decades. You say that had your Mom stayed in TX they would have "put her away". Those are harsh words for a system that often sees elders who have no family, who assigns guardians and get them enrolled in medicaid, and sees them into the best care available (of course there's the rub; good care ISN'T always available).
Whatever the grief is (and the word IS grief, not guilt, as you are not an evil felon) there are going to be limitations. Even the sacrifice of your life cannot prevent breakdown eventually.
Placement into nursing home doesn't mean you abandon those you love; it means you cannot conceivably be there for one person 24/7, let alone the thought of a second, with your brother.
I am so sorry you are facing this. Often a few visits with a Licensed Social Worker who counsels people on Life Passages and changes can help both to find resources and to recognize limitations. It is all so worth mourning; and not everything has a perfect answer or can be fixed. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed. There are so few "answers" in this situation. I hope others will have a few things to help.
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I truly have compassion for your situation. Can you contact your Area Council on Aging? They can provide direction and services she might possibly qualify for. I’m glad you found this forum. Everyone is here to listen and share.
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