Need advice! Not divorce. I need to be able to help my Mom some way. How can I get my husband to understand?

Does your marriage come first? Or your mom?
In general, adults are supposed to fund their own old age. If there is truly disproportionate wealth, there can be exceptions to that rule.

Why is it that your mom can't support herself?

I think you need to visit your mom and evaluate the situation. Why is she unable to live off her own income? What changes need to be made?

I know this goes against popular opinion but I would not be happy if my joint income was going to support someone outside of our household. My husband and I have always kept separate bank accounts. As long as he has his share of the bills covered I don't care what he does with 'his' money. Once it is in a joint account it is now 'our' money. While I might not mind a one time help I certainly would not being on board with me working to support some other family member.

What your mom did for you was invaluable.

Send your mother a check and take it from there. You will at least feel as if you’ve done something to help her. I take it that her stroke made working more difficult for her, if not impossible. Who cares what hubby thinks as long as it’s something you can easily afford? You are equals.

His parents’ gifts to you were GIFTS, property given without the expectation of recompense. They saddle you with no burden unless you act as if they do.

Good luck and I hope your mom does better.

I agree with everyone who said that you need to lay eyes on your mother and help her establish a budget for herself before giving her any money. If she is living beyond her means, you can help her plan for how to cut expenses. If she needs to downsize, you can help her find a realtor and estate liquidator. You also can help her find an attorney to get her important paperwork together. Perhaps the attorney's first consultation fee can be a gift from you.

There seems to be a lot more to the story of how her expenses exceed her income, and perhaps that is the reason behind your husband's reluctance to help her financially. I am in a similar situation with my FIL who is blowing through the money he saved for retirement at an eye-watering pace. If my husband asked me to help his father maintain his current lifestyle I, like your husband, would balk and tell him that we can revisit the conversation when his father cut his expenses. And it's not because I love money more than my FIL. It's because I insist on being financially prudent.

Hold up a minute! Please do not open a joint banking account with your mother until you check with an elder care attorney. If your mom ever needs to go to a nursing home, etc., you could lose a lot of YOUR money. You do need to open a checking account (and savings, too) separate from your husband and establish credit accounts in your name only to protect yourself from possible future monetary problems. If you see that your mother cannot survive on her income you should be free to do support her as you like - after you have taken account of where your mom's income is being dispersed. Luck and prayers!

Your husband is wrong. Your mother is just as important as his mother. His actions are saying...I'll only take care of you if you've paid it forward in my life. BIG RED FLAG! If I were you, I would check all your financial holdings. You say you have equal incomes, that means there better be checks and balances in place to protect you and yours. I wouldn't trust him AT ALL!

Sorry, but what rock did you find your husband under?
Now is about the time I would start going over all the expenses that involved, his parents on your trips, his buddies, golf outings, gifts purchased for his parents compare to what he paid for your Mother. How about your cars? Who has the most expensive/impressive one?
Do you live in Common property State or Community property. 99.9% chance it's Common, so I'd start looking to see whose name is on all the titles and deeds because if everything is in your husband's name....you're screwed.
Tall with HR and put money into an account UNDER YOUR NAME so you can take YOUR money to help your Mom. Make sure you tell him you would like 50% of the money spent on his parents that is above and beyond what has been spent on your Mother to make things even.
After all, common property which includes co-mingled funds under both names means you get a voice and you what your common property dollars to help your Mother. THINGS MUST BE "COMMON" FOR BOTH PARTIES.
If this ruffles his feathers, start looking for a divorce lawyer and pictures of everything you own as well as bank account statements.
This may be an odd question, but who actually takes care of your finances? Please tell me he doesn't or if he does, it's only because using the computer and making sure the checkbook balances yadda yadda is just too much for you. If that's his answer, follow the money.
There could be trouble in paradise and I only say this because IF MY HUSBAND were to refuse me to help my Mother, I'd drop kick him into his next life.
YOU MISSY, have every RIGHT to care for your Mother. Dang, move her in with you and hire 24/7 nurse(s) to help care for her.
Hnow dare he place you between a rock and a hard place regarding this?!
Stand up for yourself and your Mother. Talk with an elder law attorney while you're at it.
Makes me wonder what he would do for you is something happened. Put her in a home, keep her on drugs so she doesn't know what day it is or whether it's day or night while he goes on with his life.
There, I've had my say. I pray that you find your way and stop allowing your husband to abuse/bully you like this. Dang, sounds like a Hollywood movie.

I would be firm and tell your husband you are going to help your mother. I can not believe he is so selfish. I would never put up with this type of behavior. Gifts are not important who did what in the past does not matter. This is now and your mother needs help, not just financially but help with care. Are you able to move your mother close to you or in your home? I think she may need help with her ADL's after suffering a stroke. Your husband is way out of line. His parents are not more important than your mother. Do not let him bully you into making a bad choice, please.

your husband should understand, if he has any sense at all.would he more understanding if it was one of his parents?

Please don't neglect your mother! She needs to live within driving distance of you so you can check on her regularly. Your husband is only thinking of himself and his side of the family. He's selfish.

Perhaps you could pay for someone to clean her home and spend time with her for a few hours once or twice a week.

Why do you have to answer to your husband for how you choose to spend some of your OWN hard earned money? I don't understand that. You work full time and so, you are putting X amount of dollars into a joint account every month. Must you ask permission to buy new clothing or have a pedicure? It sounds that way, since you say you've offered to give up something in exchange for helping mom and he said nope. If you've agreed to such an arrangement, then you're in a no win situation because you've appointed him your boss. If you haven't agreed to such an arrangement, then send your mother a check for however much you'd like....its your OWN MONEY you're sending, just so you're clear on that.

I do agree with the others in that you need to go visit mom, have a look at her spending habits and income, and set up a budget for her. As far as hubby is concerned, if you've allowed him to be in charge of your finances and financial decisions, NOW is the time to change all of that. Everyone needs some money of their own that nobody else has any control over. Just as HE has the right to treat his parents to certain extras, YOU have the same right to treat your mom to those extras. Those extras are not earned on a tit-for-tat basis, but doled out as you each see fit.

I would check w airline prices & find cheapest dates if you can travel only 3 days a month to see mom & then call certain time or text her so she knows you care. As I look back I wish I had done more communication & now is too late. When you visit, address moms $. Make. Sure no scams or $ sent whomever requests by mail. Make sure she is able to give to church or charities of her choice but still pay her bills. I assume she has friends that visit her or she them. If not able to visit phone calls to friends would be appreciated but get into a good habit for everybody involved. Make your calls when husband not home or on your way home. Sounds like your only child w controlling husband. If she maintains friendships where she lives she would probably prefer to stay there vs move near you. Is she lonely? I’ve heard of helping find someone to rent a not used bedroom for company. Please make time for mom in your life just like you would like when you are alone & had a stroke. Ask God for guidance.

You legally own half.

You write that you make over six figures - it sounds like you don’t let anyone control you in the workplace.

You will do what is most important to you.

Something sounds very wrong to me. His response to a human crisis in the family is completely abnormal to me. He sound like he has no empathy?? Have you noticed this before? It is very strange!~ Has he got high functioning Asbergers or Narcissistic traits? If so, his behavior makes sense. And if so, you probably can't help him understand. You just need to help your mom and forget trying to communicate with him! Get to your mom pronto. You have no time to waste trying to make sense with a man with severe deficits. You have a crisis to attend to!